letgohangon

Ripped Off By Dollar Rent A Car of Tuscon

2012-02-16T17:50:00.000-08:00

The car was advertised at 140 per week. We added an additional driver and two more days. The two additional days were only 47 dollars. My credit card bill just came in with the total charges for the rental car at 1029.00.

My husband and I were completely exhausted and in pain when we got off the flight. Some how we agreed to all of these charges. That is what the customer service woman said but it still amazes me. There were items on that bill that I never would have agreed to like road side safety. I have AAA so why would I?

Lesson learned just never do this stuff when you are tired and then check over and over again. I am sure that I bear some responsibility here but I am also sure that all was not made perfectly clear. Yikes!

Addict Wants A Vacation

2012-02-13T17:03:00.000-08:00

     Beth left a message on my cell phone today. She heard I was going to go to Florida and wanted me to know that she would sure like to come with me. She even offered to pay her own way.

     My response was, " Someday we will travel together when you get a little more clean time. I would love, love, love to travel together. The first step would be for you to provide twice weekly drug tests to document your progress." There was no response from her which I take as positive as she has an amazing capacity for negative persistence.

     As far as I know, she is still using crack. There is some possibility that she is not using heroine. I found her message quite disturbing. After giving it some thought, I think my response set boundaries without being cruel. I answered her via text which seems to deflect some of the begging and pleading which tend to occur on a phone call.

Shifting My Focus to Recovery

2012-02-05T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today was as pleasant as could be given there is an addict in our family although not living in our house. I spent the morning huggle buggling with my husband of 30 years. It was soooo cozy under those covers and so brisk upstairs that we lolled around in bed till almost 10. Then my best friend came to pick me up to do our 3 mile Sunday morning walk around the inside of the mall.

I was telling her about the dinner that I enjoyed on Friday night with a girfriend from my old school district. Much to my surprise Flo and I talked for about 2 hours during dinner and before our movie mostly about her work situation. It was fun catching up with her and it did not occur to me right away that I did not learn a thing about my old responsibilities in that district. Flo did not tell me a thing about what has happened and who has taken charge of my numerous responsibilities. She did not tell me because I did not ask. I did not ask because I did not care. Wow, I am very grateful for that. How soon we forget the work world!

After the walk in the mall my husband and I were looking for something to do. We decided to go to a free jazz concert at our local community college. The musicians and vocalists were wonderful. None of them were paid but they love to play together. They practiced for over a year and then put on a free show. That is what community is all about.

Our expectations were not high but they were greately exceeded. Every single musician was proficient and a number of the soloists just blew us away. After that, we came home. I made a simple dinner of boiled shrimp with cocktail sauce, tossed salad and a tortellini soup. So that was a concert and a pretty good dinner with no cash put out today!

The rest of the evening was spent watching the superbowl with my youngest daughter, her boyfriend, and my husband and son. It was a good day and a good weekend.

Beth called me 3 times during the last week. I was not able to pick up the phone immediately but I called her back and texted her back to which she did not reply. You know the old phone tag thing. She talked to my husband once and told him something about a check which he just referred her to me. It is tempting to worry about her. OMG if I checked on her every time I got worried that is all that I would do. She made the calls so she was ok at those times and did not indicate any emergency. Notice how I still must justify living my own life to myself.

A therapist I once saw told me that healing from the trauma of her addiction would be directly proportional to how well I could shift the focus of my attention to something else. That really shocked me. I remember saying "IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?" I thought that there would be some kind of deep meaning or majic involved in working through my issues. Well, don't think that it was easy because it is now about 5 years after talking with that therapist and I am just now starting to do what she said. LOL When you think about it, maybe shifting their attention to something else is also what the addicts have to do to stay clean. They have to keep substituting other actions, activities, prayers, meetings etc. for their addiction. They have to learn how to enjoy other things in life. Hmmmm, the addicts are addicted to their drugs so they have to always resist the pull. We get pulled toward an obsession with them which we also have to move beyond.

Birthday Lunch hosted by The Son

2012-02-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

     We just got back from celebrating my husband's birthday. He asked our son to take him to his favorite seafood restaurant. DH drove hubby, myself and my youngest daughter down by the Greater Egg Harbor Bay. We sat by a big fireplace at a wooden table that was dimly lit with a ship's lantern.

     All of the food was fresh and just wonderful but the best part was just being together as a happy family. We used to spend most weekends together on a boat in this area when the kids were little before the toubles began. They had a lot of good memories from thier childhoods which they shared. We laughed and talked the whole time.

    At the end of the meal, I pulled out my wallet to pay for myself and my daughter who had already taken Daddy to lunch on another day. My son insisted that he would pay for the entire bill and he did.
At lunch he told us about his serious attempts to look for a full time job. He currently works full time hours but is only considered seasonal so he does not get benefits. He also told me that he realizes that he must protect himself from the big medical expenses that will come his way on his next birthday when he will no longer be on my insurance. Today it seemed like he is finally maturing. I remembered how sweet it is to be a normal family. We had a great time. Addiction only came up once when we all chimed in at once......'let's change that subject right now" and then proceeded to focus our attention on the good times.

Much Needed Vacation

2012-01-23T20:05:00.000-08:00

DH and I are on a much needed vacation. We are spending time in Tuscon with his sister and brother in law. We have been having a great time and they have been very kind to us. This is my husband's older sister. She has always done so much to keep the family together.

It occurs to me now that these people are a little like parents to us. We go to them for advice and comfort. In fact, at one point when Beth was younger and the troubles had just started they took her in for awhile. This was before the drugs but just after the mental illness had reared its head.They were not able to cure her but it did give us a break. It also helped her see that we were not the enemy. Nancy and Bill live right next to us in Jersey but spend the winters in Tucson.

I am grateful that we enjoy being with them and that they enjoy us too. They want us to move out here when we retire. I don't know that we will but it is sure nice to be wanted. The weather here is awesome for about 9 months a year. We wake up every day to sunny skies and a crisp cool temperature that requires a light jacket. By the mid-afternoon it is almost t-shirt weather.

Today we went to the University of Arizona during the day. We walked around campus and visited the museum and book store. After that, we came back to their place and sat in front of the outdoor fireplace while listening to jazz and watching the sunset. Then, we made burgers on the grill with some portobello mushrooms , salad and asparagus. It was a great day.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. Lou hit the nail on the head when she said that I was not asking about enabling really. I was asking if I could force Beth to stop doing drugs by cutting her off. I am not planning on doing that. The only way I could rationalize it would be if I thought it would cure her or if I thought that she was a danger to me. At this point, I do not believe any of those two criteria fit.

No Contact with Addict

2012-01-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

Have any of you ever gone no contact with your addicted loved one? I have read about it but I do not actually know anyone who has done it for any length of time. Right now I talk to my daughter when she calls me to handle her financial matters. She tells me she is doing fine on suboxone for heroine but is considering aversion therapy for cocaine.

I love her and encourage her when she seems to be seeking encouragement. I pray for her every day but it looks to me like her diseases are way ahead in this struggle to the death.

Once......... when she shocked me beyond my capacity to endure I told her I could forgive her actions if they were in the past but I could not live with them in my life at present. I would not talk to her at that time but my husband did answer when she called. Neither of us gave money or shelter. She got beat up and entered rehab. She stayed as long as the insurance would allow which was 6 weeks and then it all started up again. That was at the same time that my father in law died.

I wonder would it make any difference to her meaning would she actually try to get better if we totally cut her off. My husband who is usually much tougher than me thinks that this would be cruel as she is severely mentally ill and her capacity to judge is diminished. He thinks we should keep her at arms length but do nothing to add to her pain which is real and palpable. I agree that she is mentally ill as well as addicted. It was evident way before she started doing drugs but the drugs make it soooooo much worse.

I do not need to cut her off to control my own suffering.

I can usually maintain enough distance to manage a fairly normal life. I would only ever consider this in order to help her. Besides, I know that a cut off creates a different type of suffering. Did I mention that the last time I took a break from talking to her she disappeared for 6 weeks and we were calling morgues looking for her?

Tell me about how close you have come to cutting off the addict completely and how it turned out.

Seven Things About Me

2012-01-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

1. I have been married to the same man for thirty years. Although we did not date until 5 years later, I obsessed about him since the first time we me in high school. He sat in front of me in Spanish class. My nerdy friends did not like him or me associating with him because he was a jock. He was a jock that wrote poetry, had a beautiful voice, wrote songs for me and became an attorney.

2. We still love each other.

3. I treat my dog like a baby and he likes it. He must be wrapped in a blanket and held when he comes in from the cold. His name is Joey.

4. I always loved school. That includes both being a student or being a teacher. I think that I might have been a teacher in a one room school house in some other life. This explains my collection of books about pioneers and pioneer teachers. When I feel sorry for myself, it is easy to read about their lives and see that mine is much easier.
.

5. I usually read 2 or three books at a time. Some are scholarly, some are best sellers and one is always in Spanish.

6. I have traveled and lived extensively in South America. I love the land, the music, the language and the people. One of my fantasies is to go there again as a peace corp retired worker.

7. I have several good friends both locally and from far far away that have been in my life for more than 20 years. I do not see them constantly but we can count on each other just like family. It takes me awhile to make new friends but it seems like I do a pretty good job at keeping them.

2.

What if the addict never gets better?

2012-01-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

Is there anyone out there who can share what you do to cope if your loved ones situation does not get better? Is there anyone who has learned to build a decent life for themselves in spite of the suffering caused by long term severe addiction and mental illness?

A long time ago, I spoke to a woman at a mental institution that had rejected my daughter because she was an addict. This woman was not the one who rejected her and she shared information with me that could have caused her to loose her job. After about 20 minutes she shared that her son was an alcoholic and had been for 20 years. He was in just about as bad a shape as my daughter.

This woman told me to toughen up. She said that most of the 5 star addicts do not get better and that I would go grey still obsessed with finding a solution to a problem with no solution. She told me to go on with my life and I now believe her but I still need to know just how people do it.

I know that there are millions out there doing it. I also know that even if your loved one has recovered, if they were in desparate straights for a long time you somehow learned how to enjoy some other part of your life or you would not be here now.

One thing that does help me is making a list every day of about 5 things to accomplish. I force myself to get started crossing things off the list and as simple as that seems it helps me tremendously. Hours go by that I do not think about the addiction.

Please share your coping strategies.

Back to Boundaries

2011-12-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law had another Christmas dinner last night. I told Beth about it at the last minute because she had done so well at the last one and her Aunt was asking about her. The evening started out great. A few missing relatives were at this one who did not make it to the first dinner. Beth looked good but she sat alone with a far away look in her eyes.

After awhile I noticed that she had served herself a glass of wine. I have never seen my daughter anywhere near drunk and disorderly which is quite amazing given all that has happened in the course of her multiple drug addictions. She got a little more talkative and relaxed but that was all. She helped entertain my nephews baby for a long time which was greatly appreciated by his parents and grandmother.

As the evening proceeded there were some red flags like when she talked a little too loud and started using profanity with her teenaged cousins. Her uncle admonished her to watch her language and she quickly excused herself. My other daughter was visibly uncomfortable and irritated but I did not know until later that it was because Beth was trying to get her and her boyfriend to bring her refills so it would be less noticeable how much she was drinking.

Beth planned to spend the night at my house because she had a dentist appointment in the morning. She asked her father how he thought the evening went and he said he was pleased to see her spend so much time for the second night in a week involved positively with the family. She got all emotional saying that she was really trying. Then she spent the next 3 hours crying over her dead grandmother and expressing great remorse and shame for the life she has been leading.

It took me quite awhile to realize that she was pretty much enebriated. She talked about how hard it was for her and that it would be so much easier to die but no amount of using seemed to kill her. I said I appreciated that she expressed remorse and the way to make up for it was to step over the line and live a good life from here on in. That was then but this is now should be her motto. She went on and on. At first, it seemed like she was finally seeing the light but then it all changed. I went from feeling a deep sense of compassion to a desire to escape the misery she was wallowing in. She kept eating and telling me how she was practically anorexic. She looks good not anorexic though she has lost weight. She also let it drop that she left her meds in her apartment. I offered to drive her out there and back but she said no, it would be fine to just do it first thing in the morning.

I did not want to wake up early and drive out to get her meds but I did not want to rock the boat. In the morning she said that she could not get up so I took my walk first with the plan of then taking her to her apt and bringing her back. When the time came, she refused to go and got quite hostile. She said that she had no intention of going back to her place, she just wanted to be left alone or she would just walk to her friends in town. I stated that our agreement was that I would take her in the morning because she needed her meds. In any event it was time for her to go. She screamed at me and stomped around but she went. I dropped her at her friend's house. About one hour later she called like nothing had happened wanting me to drive her to the dentist. I said that it was not ok for her to abuse me in the morning and then ask for favors an hour or so later.

It felt to me like all that drama was designed to make me feel pity for her but as soon as she realized that in spite of all that she could not spend the day on my couch she became hostile. She had left a big mess strewn all around her and a pile of the pajamas I had lent her thrown on top of her Dad's exercise bike. She had urinated on my pajamas, not cleaned it up and not mentioned it. Gross!

Soooo, the Christmas truce is over. I will confine my communications with her to Tuesdays as much as that is possible. The next time she comes to a family affair, I will ask her not to use alcohol at all. If she does, then I will leave quickly. We do not have alcohol at my house when she is there.

It just saddened and amazed me to see how she went from remorse for all the pain she has caused to demanding and surley the next morning then back to sweet and solicitous when she wanted a ride. I did not accomplish much for the rest of the day. I did refrain from discussing it with my husband as I felt that it had dominated my own thoughts for long enough by the time he got home this evening.

.

Peaceful Christmas

2011-12-25T18:46:00.000-08:00

     Life goes on weather the addict is using or not. Life goes on even if it is the first Christmas without our mothers or friends lost to cancer. Sooooo, my youngest and sober daughter decorated the house for the holidays and baked cookies while singing with her boyfriend. I could hear them laughing and singing downstairs while the smell of peanutbutter cookies permeated the upstairs and downstairs of our entire home.

     I put together a Christmas Brunch for both sides of the family. It did not really get started until about 11:30 this year as the oldest ones who always got here super early have passed on or moved to Florida as is the case with my Dad. We had quiche, tropical fruit salad, assorted bagels with cream cheeses and jelleys along with meatball sandwhiches, boiled shrimp, pepperoni and cheese. There were also fancy cookies, doughnuts that looked like jewelery they were so pretty, chocolate eclairs and homemade fudge.

   Our minature spanielle looked adorable with his tiny red Santa Clause Suit. Beth called to ask if she could attend. She said that she was taking suboxone again and trying to make a new start. She arrived with a big gift bag full of individually wrapped presents for her sister, father, aunts and me. She had taken a shower and her hair was clean and newly cut. She also had it dyed a natural color. The last time I had seen her it was a clownish orange. This time it was a deep auborn. Her clothes were cute but not trashy.

     Beth stayed for most of the day and then came back in the evening to my sister-in-laws house for dinner. I could tell that it was true that she had started suboxone again. In the beginning, she acts a certain more docile way that I now recognize. This was the first time in years and years that she has stayed with us for most of a day.

We did not discuss her recovery in terms of her new resolve, lack therof or in any way. We were too busy with the holiday. I was careful that there were no valuables left around and everyone there knew the score. Thank God for this family of mine that treated her very well. They were happy to see her in spite of it all. She thanked me several times for letting her come. I am sure she felt the love these people still have for her. My sisters, my husband's sister and our parents have never blamed us. They do not use or approve of drugs or the lifestyle that comes with them. They remember Beth when she was the shining star, the most sought after babysitter, the honor student and the star athlete. They want her back and wish her the best. They treated her with dignity and respect yet kept their valuables in plane sight.

There was a prayer said in remebrance of my mother in law and my mother who both passed this year. It made Beth sad and she left shortly after that. She cried on the way home about her Nana. I hugged her and said that I knew she could stay strong. I told her that eventhough I know that my Mom and Nana have passed that I still talk to them. I know that they can hear me and often I know what they would tell me so that gives me comfort. I said that I was telling her this because it helps me cope and so maybe it will help her too. She said that she thought it would.

So, we forged ahead and made the best we could out of this first holday without our Moms. I am sure it is how they would have wanted it. We put aside our differences for the day and came together as a family who still loves deeply in spite of the ravages of death and addiction. We laughed, we cried, we ate and we sang. We shared our joys and sorrows. This was our Christmas. I am grateful to have had this day.

Happy Birthday 26 years old

2011-12-20T14:37:00.000-08:00

Beth is 26 years old today. The day she was born was the happiest day of my life. She had to go to court today and I had no desire to see her after her latest attempt to tug at my heart and then shake me down for money.

I sent her this text

I remember you. I wait for you to be done with your evil lovers (crack and heroine) and come back home where you belong. Happy Birthday, I love you.

She replied: Thanks Mom I love you too.

I was actually relieved that she did not ask to come over or tell me how she is not using.

I cried a lot today. We had 16 good years. She had a happy childhood.

I will follow Lou's advice and post occasionally when the mood hits me. Thanks for letting me share.

Drug Court Not An Option

2011-12-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

I talked to a Judge today about drug court for Beth. She could be sentenced to attend but that would not be backed up by the threat of imprisonment because her crimes do not merit prison time. So, that was just another false hope.

We say that we must have hope but when there really is no hope the false hope just seems to add to the pain. I am happy for all of you that have seen progress or at least a break from the addictive behaviors. My girl has not had a week off drugs in several years.The only time I recognize her is when she impersonates her old self for a few minutes because she is trying to get my sympathy which quickly leads to a plea for money.

I have an affection for all of you and I wish you the best regardless of what happens with your children. Thanks for sharing your heartaches and hopes with me. I will continue to read but do not plan to add to my own blog for awhile.

I Wish You Didn't Adopt Me

2011-11-29T20:50:00.000-08:00

That is what Beth said when I would not drop everything and gather papers from her accident that she needs for court tommorrow morning. She also wanted a check for a hundred dollars to pay the public defender. I said no more checks. I will mail it in. If they put you in jail then so be it. I am done going to court and stopping my life to run around for you.

That is when she said, " I wish you did not adopt me." I replied that " I wish you had never become an addict or better yet never touched drugs."

This was the first time I had talked to her in a week. It felt better to get a little distance. She does not want to go to jail. Amazingly, she was able to get her own accident report within an hour from the police. She also found a trustworthy relative to walk her check to the courthouse in the morning.

Her public defender tells her that she will get off from the parafanalia charges she got on a technicality. That is too bad as there is a possibility that she would try to comply with the court. Any tips on getting the court to send her to mandated drug program? She had another paraphanalia charge (needles) previously but it was dropped after she completed a 30 day rehab. She missed her last court day because of the car crash where she broke 6 vertabrae.

The local police know her but keep giving her a lot of chances. She was a pathetic figure in her body cast the last time she was in court. Anyone would have assumed that such a serious accident would wake her up.Soooo, ther is a previous charge of shop lifting a candy bar, wandering in a drug zone and possession of paraphanalia. Then, a new charge for paraphanalia in the car while being pulled over and asleep at the wheel, followed by this terrible accident. At what point do they serve time or make them do probation with drug testing. Is this a possibility at this point?

The New Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

What a lovely(for the most part) Thanksgiving we had. Last night I made 3 pumpkin pies. They made the house smell heavenly. This morning we washed both dogs and spent some time playing with them. It was bright and sunny outside which we have not seen for one whole week.

My youngest daughter's boyfriend came over in the afternoon. He and S are working on a Xmas CD and they were practicing. They sound beautiful together. I am always grateful when the house is filled with music. Then we drove to my sister's house for dinner.

My brother in law loves to cook so the feast was amazing. There were literally three tables full of beautifully presented, lovingly prepared and delicious food. It was fun and heartwarming to spend time with my sisters and their children. We laughed, we ate, we remembered the ones who were not with us in fondness. I am grateful to have my sisters so close by.

Beth had told me that she did not want to come today. Normally, I would have asked her a couple of times but I didn't. My sister did include her in the invitation and I did tell Beth but she said no because she was mad that I am not buying her a car. I told her we would leave at 2 eventhough I knew we would not leave until 3. It was 4 oclock before she texted me. She texted to say that I had left her alone on Thanksgiving. I reminded her that she knew about the invitation and declined it. She thought that I should have tried to get her to change her mind. I texted back that I was going to turn off my phone.

My sisters say that I am not aloud to win. Beth manipulates and it has to be my fault. Sooooo, that part was sad and distracting but we did not dwell on it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Often, when she gets me feeling guilty like this, I will find out that she was not alone but had her own invitations. She has learned to play me like a fiddle. I am learning to at least turn the volume down on that shrieking fiddle!

The Voice of Experience and Compassion

2011-11-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Here is an answer to a question written by Her Big Sad. She understands addiction and she understands how to protect herself from addiction while still being a mother. I learned so much from her response to Barbara who could not understand why her son called her to say that he was going to use. I hope Her Big Sad does not mind me copying this here.

Oh Barbara, this is where it gets so so hard.... everyone's thoughts here match my own experience exactly.

(in my opinion)...This is an attempt to scare you into continuing to place the long arm of Mom in between him and his consequences. He is at a fork in the road. He can continue to use til he's done. Or he can start the hard work now. But there is nothing more that you can do.

I had to tell DD2, "let me know when you are done. Until then, I can't have frequent contact with you." And I made it clear that "done" meant done and detoxed (in order to set foot in the house). Otherwise, I could do nothing for her. We worked out a system that she would check in once a week by phone, just to let me know she was still alive. Literally. But it was a brief conversation about inane things like taking her dog to the vet for her shots (since she wasn't here to do it), and I steered the conversations away from her glorifying of what she was doing (she liked to sensationalize her adventures and I would change the subject each time - she finally got it and stopped telling me about what they were doing).

No matter how angry those conversations made me, I ended each one by telling her how very much I loved her, and that I would be waiting, when she was done. I'd hang up and then again have to work my way through the emotions and reminding myself the last thing she heard from me was that I love her and that now I was putting her back in God's lap again.... and letting go.

This is hard, hard, hard Barbara. I've been there - where you get up and check the "who's in jail" and the "J.Doe list" at the morgue online and then go on with your day. Eventually I stopped that - if she was in, I knew I'd get the collect call. And they have her DNA, so if anything worse happens, they'll let me know. Worrying before that time (which certainly might never come!) was a waste of time/energy.

Everything within me wanted to tell her to come home and even her Dad at one point was giving me the line about "using here is safer than using out there" - Wrong! Safer for her maybe, but it totally removed our safety (dealers delivering here?!) and it would have forced us to give up our right to a safe home where we can still find all our belongings!

There is really nothing else you can do. You won't live with drugs. He isn't done with them.

I am praying for you and Keven and your family. Stand strong and give Keven that statement verbally and by your actions - you won't live with drugs.

Keep writing, keep listening to a lot of different voices here.... We're thinking of you and literally walking this with you.

Obviously this is all just my two cents worth. WhatEVER you do, please know I care and I'm here for you!! BIG HUGS!

November 21, 2011 9:24 AM

New Day and New Life

2011-11-21T14:52:00.000-08:00

Beth started calling me early in the morning or late last night. I am not sure which because I turned the phone off. I had already told her that I would talk to her on Tuesday. I did call the Social Security Department after all.

Get this one. She has the right to request a different rep payee. Anyone can serve in this capacity as long as they do not have a felony arrest on their record. This person must report in person to the nearest social security office and the process takes about 60 days. There is no process for social security to assign someone else. My local office might give me a list of organizations that volunteer to do this or they might not. I will then have to get a particular organization to agree.

My husband says that he thinks I could just freeze her assets and let her handle the rest of the process. The important thing is that the assetts are frozen if I am no longer taking responsibility for them. We have added a couple of items to the list.

1. No checks and she must submit bills and addresses to us from her creditors.
2. We will only discuss discretionary funds (there are precious little of those) on the 30th of each month. These discussions are to go through the Dad.
3. Allowance for food and transportation is given once a week. It is her job to get a ride there.
4. She can make her own arrangements for the disabled bus to take her places as I will not be in a confined space alone with her while she is still using even if she happens to be drug free on that particular day. (Her withdrawals make her meaner than a hornet.)

I felt decent today. I could concentrate and enjoy my students.

I am taking Annette's advice and doing my best to be a good wife to my husband, a good mother to my other children. I also want to spend more fun time with my friends. This is what I got from Lou. I do need my virtual friends. These people are dear to me but they do not have a clue about the world of addiction. They do assure me however, that they saw how these children were raised and it was good.
Bless their hearts because they say that it could have happened to them as they raised their kids the same as I raised mine. Thanks also to Barbara who is always there for me and so many others.

Making More Distance Between Us

2011-11-20T14:43:00.000-08:00

I have decided to hang on to my rep payee status for a little while longer. There is one big reason for this. When I see the withdrawals being made I know that Beth is still alive. This will be particularly important if she goes to Florida. As bad as I have been feeling lately it is not so bad as when she was gone for 6 weeks without a word and I thought she was dead. I was looking for her at various morgues throughout South Florida at the time. It was the hardest thing my husband and I have ever been through. Especially knowing at the time that we would not let her stay with us, she had no money and no where to live.

In case some of you think that we are enablers, you should know that we tried the whole tough love thing and kept it up for 4 long years. She was homeless a lot during those years. She also went to about 7 rehabs during those times. Our position was that it is rehab or the street. We will only pay for rehab and nothing else.

She only has enough money to barely cover the necessities in life so she may be spending her food money on drugs but then there is no food money. We do not give her money. She was able to doctor up two checks that I gave her to pay legal fines so that she cashed them at the food market. This means that those fines are now not paid. I will not pay them from my money. If she goes to jail than so be it.

There will be no more checks given to her under any circumstances from now on. This will mean that she has to wait on many items because I will not go running around paying things at her convenience. I am giving the check book to her Dad. He will pay legitamate bills by mail twice a month.

I am no longer going to take calls from Beth regarding giving her allowance to her a day early because she has a ride to the bank on that day. No more of that, her food allowance will be in her spending account once a week on Friday by 4 pm.

Other than that, she will have to talk to her Dad and getting money from him is like getting money from a stone.

I am not telling her that my intention is to talk to her as little as possible but that is my intention. She will dissapear just to punish me if I tell her so she will not be told. She does just about everything in dramatic contrast to what we have ever taught her or how the rest of us behave. This is what I think they call oppositional defiant behavior.

To summarize:

1 no more checks
2. less contact
3.less communication
4. no more discussions about money as it is all systematized.
5. Anything that does not fit in the system must go through the Dad.

There are no good choices here. It is contantly a trial and error process searching for the lesser of the evils.

Beth Plans to Get Out Of Dodge

2011-11-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

I got a few texts today from Beth. She tells me she is going to settle her legal matters and fly to Florida to move in with an old boyfriend that she met in rehab. She wants me to make his mother her rep payee. This guy supposedly has rented a studio apartment for them. He will let her borrow his scooter. He has a car and a fat settlement that he got from a terrible accident. He is about 40 years old while she is 25.

The last time they saw each other they were both a lot healthier prior to both of their car accidents. Well. the less I think of it the healthier I am. My other daughter told me today that I need to see a shrink. She says that I have too much anxiety and have a lot of physical symptoms related to the anxiety.

She has a point there. However, I know that the treatment for anxiety is xanax and I do not want to start taking that again. I did it before until I could not sleep with or without it. At that point I tapered down and quit. It took about 3 weeks and it was hard. I do sleep now but I have spasms in my esophogus, and extreme acid reflux. I sleep sitting up.

I got dizzy tonight which I think was low blood sugar not anxiety. I felt much better once I ate some bread with peanut butter and jelley. I have been trying to loose weight and ate a little bit less than I actually needed today.

My youngest daughter is usually sympathetic but today she thought I was dramatic. She wants me to get fixed. She only knows what it feels like to be young and strong. She has never heard a doctor say that this is not curable just something you have to live with and manage.

I feel sort of bad about it. DD2 always admired my strength. Now she sees me weak and weary.

Crack Inspired Chaos

2011-11-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

I had a very emotional 24 hours. The police were knocking on my door at 1 in the morning. Of course, I thought that Beth had died when I saw two policemen at my door at that hour. Turns out they were investigating a reported gunshot and wanted to know if we had heard anything.

All of us had heard some rattling around but none of us thought that it was gunfire. The police also told us to close the garage door which my son had left open. After that little adreniline rush none of us could get back to sleep for awhile.

I woke up crying convinced that Beth had killed herself and was in the neighbor's shed or our addition which is accessable from inside the garage. My husband said that it was going to happen one day but that it had not happened yet. He said that we have enough to cope with without conjuring up or giving in
to any morbid fantasies.

I dragged myself through the morning unable to really maintain a good focus on any given task. The sun was bright and the sky was clear but I was slushing through my own mental fog. Depression was pulling me down as I tried to stay a couple of steps ahead of it all day.

By the afternoon, my errands were accomplished, the house was organized and I actually started to feel like a person again. Then I checked the rep payee bank account. The first thing that struck me was relief that Beth had withdrawn her allowance today. She can't be dead somewhere if she is withdrawing money. The next thing I noticed was that about 400 dollars had been withdrawn last week.

Beth does not have access to checks unless I give them to her so this really confused me. It took a couple of hours to figure out what had happened and it is not good. To make a long story short, she found a way to erase who the checks were made out to. Instead of paying her court fees, she cashed the checks at a Mom and Pop supermarket near her home.

When I asked her about this she claimed to have purchased groceries with the money. When I asked how it was even possible to erase ink she said triumphantly without any hint of regret...."Well I found a way to do it!".

Without going into all the little details, it is unnervingly clear to me that she pulled this little caper with a clear, premeditated plan. She started with a small amount to see if it would be noticed, then took the larger amounts while I was away. The last time I saw her she wanted me to go with her to the court house to pay some more fees. I was too exhausted by the end of that day which probably kept the rest of her account from being depleted.

Beth, I said evenly, "I just want you to know that on Monday I will call social security and request that they appoint a new representative payee. I will not put up with you jerking me around like this."

Her body is rapidly deteriorating as are her looks and her memory. In spite of this, she can orchestrate elaborate deceptions and schemes. She seems to be a little proud of this not a bit regretful.

So, the roller coaster of my life goes on. I doubt that I will hear much from her when her money is handled from someone else. She does not feel much for me anymore and perhaps never did. She once told me that one of her counselors did not like her anymore since she admitted that she had never felt close to her family eventhough they were always good to her. It hurt me when she said that as I thought we gave her a good childhood. We did give her a good childhood.

She tortures me. I have just about burned out with her. We are about to get even farther apart.

Good News Bad News

2011-11-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

I took Beth to the orthopedist today. He said that she could quit wearing her body brace and go to physical therapy. She threw the perscription in the trash and stormed out because she did not get pain meds. I do not understand or necessarily believe that her bones have healed correctly. She was frequently taking the brace off and walking around without it.

She spent the entire 4 hours we were together insisting that I let her buy a car. When I left her off she said F--- You and gave my car a pretty hard kick. Then she called me on the phone threatening to kill herself. After that came a texted apology for kicking the car.

I basically let her abuse me for FOUR hours just to get her to the doctor to see if those bones were healing. I should be happy that they are because if not she would have needed a spinal fusion. At the very end I sort of lost it . She wanted me to take her back into the drug area. I told her that I was not anxious to take her back down there to her moral and physical distruction. I even offered to buy her the damn car if she would go to rehab for 90 days. NO GO She claims to be stuck out in the country with no transportation but that is not true. She refuses to take the bus for disabled people which is available for her. She just has to call ahead.

I have never in my life seen someone as miserable and unwilling as she is to do anything to help herself. I know this is emotional blackmail. I fear this is damaging my own health. I have an appointment to get an endoscope to check for an ulcer. How much more do I owe her? I am depleted and defeated. She is sick but she is also emotionally abusive. God Help HER and God Help ME TOO!

Mania or Drug Induced Mania is Still Mania

2011-11-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well. Beth is cranking up the guilt. She texted me several times today until I said that I was exhuasted and had to sleep. I would be turning off the phone for a few hours. She now says that since I do not trust her and she is going stark raving mad from being so isolated that she will enroll in the damn free outpatient drug patient program to provide me with testing.

She feels quite put upon that no one trusts her. She is in a deep deep depression like she was in high school when she was cutting herself. She has been breaking things in her apartment and throwning glass bottles against the floor.

I replied that trust is earned. I love her because she is in my heart and soul. Trust, on the other hand is earned. I also told her about my premonition that she would be a student at my University. I really did have that premonition on Monday. I could just feel her excitement at being there. I shared that with her and she got really pissed. All she wants is a car. She does not want a drug program, she will do it if she can get ahold of them but she does not want to.

I ignored that tirade via text and reminded her that she can call 911 if she feels worse. I said that a few days in the hospital might get her more stable and they could help her set up the other program.

DD2 will be in charge of whatever issues come up with Beth in my absence. There are two people who are willing to help her. I will be available by phone. I have not told Beth that I am going away because she ALWAYS has a crisis when I am away. Hopefully, she will not fine out as I think we can communicate well by text from PR.

Hubby is up and getting around pretty well. He almost went back to his office today. I really really want him to retire! Money would be tight but we could do it. I am glad I retired eventhough I cried when the first pension check came in. There is such a big difference between that gross and net especially when you retire. I always counted on a pension that goes up with the cost of living. Our governor took that away since I retired. This does not seem legal but it is true.

Anyhow, I am very appreciative of my new life. I have more time to take care of my family and do the things I want like teaching at the University.

My job was very high stress. I supervised over 200 teachers in 4 different departments spread out between 6 different schools grades k-12. I never forgot that school was about learning. The most important players are the students and teachers. My new boss said that I thought like a teacher. That was supposed to be bad. I could not please him even when he gave me the worst assignments and I did them well. Funny thing is that there are a lot of other middle aged women and some middle aged men experiencing the same dilema.

We went out for a nice dinner tonight to celebrate DD2's birthday. She is 23 and a sweetheart.
If I had only had this one child, I would have thought that child rearing was easy and that I had a real knack for it. Anyway, we followed a family tradition and she went out to eat with just my husband and I. We will have more of a group celebration after the trip. DD2 loves her speach therapy classes. She feels called to do this work. I am so glad that she has found something that she likes.

We are keeping our fingers crossed for PR!

Let IT Flow

2011-11-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

We are celebrating my husband's restored ability to pee. He can now walk, sit and bend over much more freely. He went to the urologist and they removed his catheter, pumped him up with water and he was back in business again! FYI ....... this post surgical complication is more common now that hospitals are ordering non latex catheters. They just hurt more to make a bad situation worse.

I spoke to soon about Beth getting to the Suboxone Dr. It seems that she and her ride were late. She called in but the Dr. could not see her. She wanted me to take her tomorrow. She also went on an on some more about a car and told me that she had talked to her neighbors and she is well old enough to handle her own SSI.

I told her that I am swamped right now with her Dad but that I also do not want to cart her back and forth to this particular Dr. because I believe that she is selling the suboxone instead of using it. I asked her not to dispute this with me it is really her business and words will not convince me just a series of clean drug tests. I just want to stay out of this affair. I also explained to her that her age is not why she has a rep payee. She has a rep payee because her mental illness can cause poor judgement and she has both a history of not complying with her pscyh medications and also a history of drug addiction punctuated by periods of short remission. I said, that a judge might change the order if she could establish more extensive sober time. Now I wonder if she told the neighbors that I am mishandling her money.

It is interesting how this drug stuff is supposed to be just her business (alanon) but it has had a tremendous impact on my reputation and standing in this community. Actually, my community seems to be a lot more forgiving than my bad old job was.

We were supposed to leave on vacation on Saturday. That may still happen if DH continues to recover. That is what DH and the urologist say. He is getting stronger each day but I just do not know how he will manage the airplane ride. We will see what he decides and how his recovery proceeds. If he could stand the travel itself then one might as well convaless in Puerto Rico at a seaside resort than here in Cold Cold NJ! Also, praise the Lord that his bathroom skills are pretty much normal today.

Good Day By The Grace of God

2011-10-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your kind support and comments on my last post. In spite of the fact that I was having a hard time sleeping last night, today was a good day. My son stayed with my husband all morning while I went to the university to teach my classes. The students and the atmosphere at the university just make me happy. It is a fantasy world of hope and youthful enthusiasms. I am so fortunate to have students that share my interests. I get a vicarious thrill by hearing about their adventures learning Spanish. One student is going to El Salvador with the engineering department to act as a translator in January. Another, spent the summer in Alicante Spain and yet another biked through Europe staying at youth hostels.

These kids are such a miracle of health, hard work and wonder. They are learning so much so quickly that it amazes me. I should have done this for my entire career but taught high school and then went into administration instead. The teaching part was very enjoyable but the administration part was shall we say anticlimactic.............

My son stayed with my husband all morning. DH said that DS was very kind and thoughtful. He has promised to look for another job after the xmas rush. He also insists that he will donate a kidney to his Dad. He says that he is better suited than me as he is younger and stronger. So..... one day we despair of him every taking any real responsibility in life and then he turns around to offer his kidney, take good nitty gritty personal hygiene type care of his father. He also told me that he keeps throwing away offers for credit cards because he knows that he can not handle them.

This evening when DD2 came in she sat down to chat with her Dad and hold his hand for awhile. Then, she asked me to come and sing with her. I mostly listened. She has a beautiful alto voice. This is what I thought my life would be like..... filled with music, laughter, love and work that I enjoy. Well there are moments. Thank God for the moments. In Spanish they say that many people miss the moments of happiness in life while waiting for a state of complete contentment to arrive. (It sounds more poetic in Spanish but you get the point.)

Beth found her ride to the suboxone Dr. today. Imagine that! She acted like we had never had any words yesterday. I have every confidence in her being able to find transportation anyplace she wants to go.

Post Operative Blues

2011-10-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

DH went in for an emergency hemoroidectomy on Tuesday. We thought that it would be a minor procedure. As it turned out he had to go back to the hospital several times as he was unable to urinate or have bowel movements. Eventhough he is very close to dialysis and has both high blood pressure and diabetes they just sent him home. I had to pick up some practical nursing skills fast! He was not steady on his feet, hooked up to a catheter and in severe pain. His blood pressure went up and his sugar went down, he dehydrated in spite of all the fluids he was drinking. All in all it has been a miserable 6 days. At last, he seems to be getting some of his strength back and can get himself in and out of bed, to the bathroom etc. etc.

They sent him home before he had been able to urinate. Why are hospitals suddenly refusing to let very sick people stay? My sister got the same treatment recently. She is a heart patient that presented with severe angina caused from a misfiring thyroid. They sent her home and it took another two and a half months to deal with all of her problems on an outpatient basis. We all supposedly have good insurance!

Beth has declared herself clean for two months. I see no evidence of any truth to this story. She is pressuring me to use her money to buy her another car. This is a no win situation. When I think about releasing the money for that car, I see the mangled wreck she made of the last one. I do not want to put her in a death trap. I told her that she would have to be in a program and provide proof of sobriety for 90 days in order for me to release the money. I also told her to get a different rep payee as I do not want to do it anymore with her badgering me. She just sent me a text saying that she is loosing her mental stability from so much isolation. ( The large quantities of crack and heroine that she still injests have nothing to do with this mental instability.)

I really am very tired from caregiving 24/7 for the last week. My own acid reflux is making it hard to sleep. The neighbors have told me that they saw Beth walking in the worst drug area of our city. I have been literally cleaning up shit all week. Beth knows this but continues to badger. I turned off the phone for my own sanity but that makes me feel a different sort of anxiousness. I must toughen up and remember to see the good in the rest of my life.

My other two children have helped me a lot doing errands and cleaning up the kitchen. My sister and father have visited and lent a hand. I am greatful for them. In spite of all this misery, my husband and I have had some very sweet moments. He has an amazing ability to make me laugh even in such dire circumstances. Thank God for that.

We were supposed to go on a trip to PR this Saturday. We might still go if he gets the catheter out and is able to uriniate on Tuesday. It all depends on how he feels. We do not have to tour around. We could just lie in the sun and relax at the resort if he feels a little better.

On a more positive note when I was cleaning shit, I asked myself if I would rather do this or go back to work in the den of vipers. The answer is that I would much rather help my husband even if that means cleaning shit. As my Dad says about plumbing work........."there is shit work in every job but with plumbing you always know where the shit is coming from."

Texts, Lies and Family Drama

2011-10-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Many times she has lied to my face. Now she is putting it in writing. Beth texted me that she has been clean for two weeks now. She wanted to know if I was proud of her because it was hard. I said that I was proud and that anything worthwhile was bound to be very hard.

I did not tell her that I do not believe her. I also tried not to discourage her. I have been trying to mind my own business. In the past, I would usually list the evidence of her lack of sobriety. I did not want her to think that she was fooling me. It makes no difference.

Dear son is supposed to move out tommorrow. He is upset because his father and I want him to look for full time work. Mind you I said look not an ultimatum to find work, just an ulimatum to look. He figures that since we still love Beth in spite of all her issues that we should see his situation as negligable.

His addiction is video games. That is all he wants to do. He is 23 years old soon to turn 24. He has a certificate in plumbing, heating and air conditioning. He will not use that certificate. He works part time in retail. He recently had an absessed tooth as he refulsed to see a dentist for a root canal. We would have paid but he simply refused to go. It makes no sense. Is he just misbehaving or is something more serious going on with him as well?

He was the one I worried about as a child. He had attention deficit disorder and a lot of trouble in school. He totally rejects Beth and wants nothing to do with her. He says that he will move out tomorrow because he will not comply with our wishes for him to make a plan and look for full time work.

Since he refuses to talk to his father or me I wrote him a letter. I told him that I want him to sit down and talk these things out with us. I need him to make a plan and carry it out. I offered to help him with deposits for an apartment if he decides to go. I said that my love is unconditional and I still want him to come around and be part of the family. I said that when he does want to talk I will make it my first priority and that we only want what we think is best for him. We sometimes make mistakes but the mistakes are out of love.

We will see what happens tomorrow with dear husband and dear son. Dear husband says look for a job full time, talk to us and make a plan or move. I see my husband's point. I know my son has struggles, real struggles with his ADHD but he does waste 5 or 6 hours per day playing video games. A change needs to be made. Dear son does pay rent and his car insurance. We did that to motivate him but it did not work. Why is change always so hard?

The youngest of my children is doing well in college and holding down a waitressing job at the same time. She sometimes makes herself sick by working too much. Each child is so different. One is very responsible and hard working. One is more than a little too laid back and then of course there is Beth. She was the shining star but now she is a five star addict.

Very Little Sleep

2011-09-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

I have full productive days. I am able to live my life and be happy most of the time. Oh but the nights are so different. That is when I think of my Mom and my addicted daughter and m son who only works part time and plays video games non stop. . I also think about my friends who died and my mother and father in law.

I lived for 55 years with only a few deaths here and there. This year I got smacked with so many losses and they all haunt me when I try to sleep . Two very close friends, two mothers and my father in law all died in the past year and one half.

I was very very fortunate to actually love all these people and have them with me for so long. I know that in the daytime but the nights are so much harder.

I was closer to my mother in law for the last 30 years. She lived right next door and was so good to me. My mom was a new age mom in Florida with her friends. She was not that interested in all the drama at my house. She had enough on her plate with her own health. But yet, she always called me and encouraged me and wanted to talk. She told me I was a better mother than her. She told me that Beth was not my fault and I should not ruin my life over it.

There must truly be a biological bond that i so much more powerful than we think. I should miss my mother in law more. She was better to me and we did love each other. Never the less, it is my mother that grieves me the most. I miss them both but the depths of my pain are for my mother.

I wish that I did not have to sleep.

Compartmentalize

2011-09-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for helping me compartmentalize the horror that is living with addiction. I try to tell you what is happening in this viper pit and leave all the angst and pain on these pages. I try to lock away the vile contamination so that it can not effect the rest of my life.

I saw Beth today after picking up some groceries for her. this is not my habit but she does have pneumonia. She told me that she was in town and wanted to ride back out to her apt. in the country with me. When I got to where she was staying she had changed her mind and wanted to stay there. I convinced her to come with me to put the groceries away. There was no refrigerator where she was staying and there was no room in mine. Anyhow, she met me outside looking very very bad. Her pupils were small and there were tell talke small spots of blood on her pants. She was carrying her body cast which she is supposed to wear at all times. The Dr. told her if it heals wrong she will have pain and need a spinal fusion. This does not impress her.

We drove out there with her coughing up a storm. I asked her if she was urinating. She said yes. Previously she told me that she drinks and drinks but hardly pees. I told her that this could signal that her kidneys are shutting down. She said that she pees just fine now.

When we got to the apartment she was quite impatient with me. She did not like various items that I purchased. She complained about several things and did not say thank you for anything. I was surprised to see her medications all lined up, her flute on the table with some music nearby and signs of furthur decorating in the apartment. My assumption was that she had sold the persecriptions for drugs but there they were. Of course her clothes were also full of little blood droplets which means heroine. She was very surly and impatient which means crack. She was determined not to wear the brace which looks like mental illness to me or crack. What a world of contradictions.

Only a miracle can save her. Only the grace of God so I pray for the Grace of God. I thank Syd for saying once again to turn her over to God. I had not slept in weeks without tossing and turning for hours. In the midst of all these current crisis I prayed for God to take care of her because she is way way beyond my capabilities. I also texted her that I was giving her over to God as I was unable to save her. For the first time in weeks I went right to sleep.

Lou says she should go to Jail. That could help but so far she gets away with her legal transgressions. She has done some bad things and even been charged. We did not pay for an attorney but she got off lightly. No jail and no substantial charges to date. It looks to me like it would be safer for her and give me more peace of mind.

I wish that I could have her committed for a long long time but she knows that game. As soon as she says, she understands and she no longer wants to hurt herself, she learned her lesson...... they let her go.

On a more positive note, I spent some good quality time with my Dad today. He came over this morning and helped us pick out some new windows. Then, we went grocery shopping for him, me and Beth. Later in the evening we picked him up to go get Pizza. His prostate cancer biopsy came back good, normal, no signs of cancer. I am so greatful for that. I wish I spent more time with my Mom before she died. I call him to go to breakfast or dinner and think Why didn't I do that when Mom was living? Well, I know that I was busy with Beth. They did not want to have much to do with that scene. Also, I knew they had each other and their friends. I do miss my Mom though...... much more than I thought I would.

Yesterday for me and today for the addict......

2011-09-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day. I woke up at 6:30 am looking forward to teaching my classes at the University. The classes went well and the students were awesome. They were polite, ethusiastic and hard working. One girl left class telling me that she was changing her minor to Spanish. Several others lingered to share their travel experiences and tell me how they were useing the language in their lives. It was great to see all these lucky, healthy normal young people all in one place.

Today I woke up at 7:00 am and prayed for the strength to get through the day with Beth. I wanted to take her to the gynocologist for a proceedure she has been putting off. The procedure was to freeze out and scrape off precancerous cells. She has to do this periodically to avoid getting full blown cervical cancer.

She came out with the good news that the nurse said her cervix looked better than expected. Then she got in the car coughing up a storm. I felt her head. It felt cold and clammy though she was complaining of feeling hot. Her arms and legs felt the same way. She had me pull over so she could throw up and mentioned that she had been throwing up about once a day for the last three days. She wanted to cancel her next apt. with the suboxone Dr.

I protested saying that she seemed to have bronchitis. I urged her to see the nuerodevelopmental specialist i'f not for her suboxone then to get a script for the bronchitis. Dr. C really cares about Beth. She keeps trying to keep her alive long enough to get better. I stayed in the waiting room because even though the Dr. is good I doubt Beth's motives. Somehow the suboxone gets lost or stolen etc. etc. The Dr. knows that I quit paying for this treatment long ago because of this behavior. She continues to treat Beth when she begs to come back even without the copayments. Beth once attained almost three months clean with this Dr. It was the best she ever did in or out of rehab.

Anyhow, the Dr. came out to get me. She sat me down and told me that Beth was using again which was because the addiction was stirred up by the pain pills, morphine etc. She said that she was putting Beth back on suboxone and glad to do it. She also told me that Beth has Pneumonia. I left there believing that Beth was going to give the suboxone another try and make an affort to take care of herself to get over this pneumonia.

We dropped off the perscriptions and I left her at her friend Mike's house. I was supposed to take her back out to her apt. after getting the perscriptions. I voluntered to get her some food and even stay with her if she needed help. She did not need food. She already had food. I asked about water, she already had that too. There was some talk of me holding the suboxone and giving her a day or two dosage at a time to keep temptation low. She asked me what I wanted to do. The Dr. had not asked me to monitor the meds though I know it is a good idea.

Hubby and I just sat down to eat at Bob Evans when the phone rang. It was Beth. She said that John ( remember him from the hospital.....the sugar daddy who took her right from her hospital bed to get drugs and then left her alone unable to get out of bed alone with 6 broken vertabrae) was going to take her home but we could meet them at the drug store. I said, "why do you want me to meet you at the drug store I already gave you 50 dollars of your weekly allowance." She said she was going to use that money on groceries........... At that moment the waitress came and I said I would have to get back to Beth.

Hubby said she was perfectly consistent...... broken back but wanted to go use crack.......pneumonia but wanted to go use crack or heroine with John. She gets a little money or other drugs to trade and John appears. He buys some beer for himself and gets her the drugs she wants. We decided to tell her she would have to spend her own money on the perscriptions.

A text arrived from her saying that she would buy her own perscriptions with John. I will check on her tomorrow to see if her fever went up. The Dr. said it might. I wonder if she will sell her antibiotics as well or just the narcotics. Once again, when faced with dire medical consequences she goes for the highest high she get. The suboxone and clonoprin would have calmed her and helped her get by. Getting by and or regaining her health is not her priority.

It is so hard to watch her kill herself. These are the sordid details of a grown child lost in the terrible world of addiction.

Art Still There

2011-09-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

We took Beth some of her things from the trunk of her wrecked car. She was happy to see us and the apartment was clean. The dishes were clean, the floor was swept and she had decorated one large wall with a combination of stencils, jewlery and art work. It was actually quite attractive.

She looked very thin but she was walking pretty well. She said that she had enough food but that she was going stir crazy staying in the apartment so much.We had to go to a Dr. appt. for my husband so the conversation was very brief.

I texted her later that maybe it was a good time to take a course since she could not move around much etc. I made some suggestions including the clay college art or music lessons. She said that she would look into it. I would help her with this as I want to encourage any efforts she makes to join the living. I told her the wall looked great and had reminded me of the artist that is still in her.

I started teaching Spanish courses at a University near hear on Wed. It was fun to be called professor and see the students so willing to please and learn. It was a joy and a comfort to see so many healthy young people doing the right things to advance themselves. Why have I always been able to inspire my students but not Beth? It is a sad irony that I would gladly switch to have inspired just my own loved ones.

Dazed and Confused

2011-09-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I started the day dazed and confused with very painful thoughts running around my head from yesterday. I forced myself up and went for the usual three mile walk with my friend. At that point I felt like I entered the world of the living once again. I bought a new pair of running shoes with a gift card that the same friend gave me for retirement.

An alanon friend called just to say hi and another e-mailed. That was good because it got me to our meeting tonight. The meeting was very calming. It ocurred to me that God does not require or want me to give up my own serenity to love my daughter. I can love her without giving up my serenity which happened yesterday. When I start to feel it go that means I have put her above all else and let myself get sucked in.

My husband thinks that Beth pushes my buttons on purpose to bring forth my guilt and is then better able to use me. That is true. I think that it is also true that she feels guilt and remorse briefly then quickly stamps it down my using some more.

My plan is to limit my time with her while she is in this state. I went with her yesterday because of her back. I really do not wish to socialize with her at this point. I sometimes envy the people who are so angry at their addicts. Anger makes me feel strong at least temporarily. This pity and fear just drains my spirit. That being said, I did make some progress at restoring it today and I have a pleasant day planned for tomorrow.

Hope you all have a boring weekend. I love boring!

I"ll Give You My Kidney IF YOU NEED IT DAD

2011-08-31T18:07:00.000-07:00

      I took Beth to the Spine specialist today. He told us that three vertabrae were cracked. He showed us the xrays and cautioned her to keep the brace on and quit smoking. Not healing correctly would result in the need for a spinal fusion.

     She told me in the car that we would all be better of if she had died in the accident. She is remorseful for the pain she has caused us but needs her heroine and crack to cope with the emotional and physical pain that she feels.

     She also offered to give her Dad one of her kidneys and revealed her plans to move to Florida with a former boyfriend who is buying her a car and an apartment. She gets irritated that he calls her so much but thinks they will be happy together in Florida where she will be able to kick her drug habit.

     It seems she dissapreared last night along with her care givers money.She had no idea what happened to his money except that he lost it as he is so disorganized. She looked like death warmed over and frequently cried in pain. The friend/caregiver was upset that she stole his money and told me he would never come back to that house. By the end of the day he was calling her asking to come back. It looked to me like she was going to let him eventhough she was well pissed that he had told me she was out using last night.

   It was a very draining day for me. I felt so much pity for her on the one hand and revulsion for her actions on the other. I told her that all of this could be so much better without the drugs. I pointed out how she has helped a number of her friends at death's door when no one else would. I said that there is no wrong that can not be attoned for by living an honorable Ipurposeful life from now on. She seemed to think about it with interest and then just let the idea go.

I took her because I do not want her to be permanently disabled with this terrible back injury. There is not much hope that she will recover from this addiction but if she does and even if she does not I do not want her to be disabled in yet another way.I had to listen to about an hours worth of guided meditations and calming music to sleep last night. It is just very painful for me to see her like this.

Storm Was Gentle on Us

2011-08-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

We were prepared for a hard time but have come through the tempest unscathed. All we experienced was a lot of rain and some high winds. Just north of us there was a lot of flooding. South of us and west there were tornados. We were told twice to seek shelter from tornados but none appeared on land just some swirling in the sky.

My husband and I were home alone with the two dogs. I think the newscasters went a little overboard telling us to get in the basement when there were no actual tornados on the ground but better safe than sorry. This was one time when I noticed that our kids were more alarmed than we were. They had never been thrugh a hurricane watch that they could remember. They were not at home but attending a family wedding in Connecticut. They kept calling to see how we were.

Beth went through the storm about 6 blocks from the river. She had a friend stay with her and did not want to come home. Yes, I said she could come home during a hurricane! Nothing scares her except nothing. By that I mean that she does sometimes get panic attacks out of the blue but dangerous situations seem to leave her unperturbed.

Anyhow, she had gathered supplies as directed by our emergency management people. She knew she could call if things got worse. Thankfully, they did not get worse and all is well on the otherside of the storm. Thanks for your concern.

Hurricane Watch, Flood Watch, Tornado Watch

2011-08-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

We are hunkered down waiting for the weather to come. All the coastal areas have been evacuated but we are far enough inland not to be under that edict. The storm is not supposed to hit until the middle of the night. We are most concerned about flooding as we have already taken a lot of rain lately.

Candles, water, meds and food are ready. We have lots of flashlights. We put the lawn furniture in the shed so now we wait.

My Crack Addicted Daughter and the Earth Quake

2011-08-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

I broke down and texted Beth after the Earth Quake. She texted back that she got shook up pretty good but that it did not scare her. Nothing does scare her which is a big big problem.

She has been getting to Dr. Appointments and to the grocery store on her own. She gets rides. She can now walk without a walker.

None of the social service people that I called got back to me. That includes a medicaid case worker, PACT coordinator, the coordinator's supervisor and adult protective services.....????????????

I liked what a blogger wrote saying that we love who we love but sometimes we need some distance.
I have not been able to sleep since taking this position with Beth. I know I can not save her that is up to Beth and her own higher power. On the other hand, I do not want to add to her pain. Nor do I want her to add to mine. So, for now, I answer her texts but not so rapidly as to encourage 86 per day nor an overdependence on me which leads to my exhaustion and brittle nerves.

I will continue to try to find a case manager to work with her and someone else to be rep payee.

Moving On From Crack

2011-08-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

DH wrote a letter to Beth today. It gave her many resources of community organizations that would help her. He told her that she can text but not call him. We will not make her phone calls and live our lives consumed with hers. We have not found another rep payee yet. Any sugestions there?

However, we did agree to put her money in her account bi-weekly. The rent and utilities are withdrawn from her ssi account automatically.

I did make a phone call today to find out how to refer her to the local PACT team. This is a special team for severely mentally ill clients who are resistent to treatment and at risk for homelessness. The director was out of town but I left a message. Her medicaid paperwork came in today and I will do that tommorrow.

For the rest of the day, I took a nice walk in the neighborhood and then started to catch up on paperwork. I took out a pretty large term life insurance policy on myself. In the event that I predecease DH he will not have medical insurance so this protects him. It was necessary as I took the maximum benefit on my pension which means the pension will die with me.

My other daughter who is studying speech and language pathology and audiology brought home a new suitor. He was a very personable and humorous physics major. They hung around our house cooking and laughing. They made me a healthy and beautiful home made pizza for lunch.

DH and I bought two new beautiful comforters for about 60 dollars. They will do a lot to brighten up the bedrooms. We both stuck to our diets and exercise today. The local sweet corn and tomatoes are fabulous right now. So were the peaches for dessert.

I cried for my mother and I cried for Beth early in the afternoon but most of this good day was spent with the living going on with an otherwise reasonably good life.

Crack Chaos

2011-08-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

I turned off my phone today and started deleting the texts before I read them after the first five texts from Beth. She had a ride to the Dr. but did not have gas money. She wanted me to wake her up so she could make the appointment on time. Later she made her way to her Dad's office. The secretary let her use the phone and she got me on the line as I thought it was DH. I hung up when I heard her voice. All of this is nonsense.

So, she did not hang herself last night. She has attempted suicide four times. Those times there was no warning. She has threatened me with suicide for not doing her bidding many many times. Last night was the only time I felt angry. My reply was that she is killing herself anyway with crack, heroine and her lifestyle. I left and called 911. I am glad that I did not lash out at her. I actually know a woman who told her son to go ahead and do it under similar circumstances. He whipped out a stupid little pocket knife and jammed it into his body. He actually died right in front of her.

There was also a nice boy in the school where I taught. He was addicted to crack and had a hidden gun. His mother stood in front of the door and said he would have to go through her to get the crack. He shot her dead. Oh my, he was so remorseful afterwards but she was dead.

I do not know how other addicts are but my daughter scares the hell out of me on crack. All day long today I was jumpy thinking she might try to break into our house. I will give her one warning if she shows up here and then call the police for a restraining order.

There was so much good advice on my last post. I really liked the quote that Syd gave about how it does not matter and Fractal Mom's advice on grief counselling. I am going to sign up for that, exercise every day and stick to my diet. I will get well weather or not she does. I might not ever get over this but I am confident that I can do a whole lot better than I have been lately.

My son sat with me today and told me about a girl he really likes. ( He cleaned his room, his car, cut the grass and contemplated cutting his hair!) Is that what women do for men?

My husband needs to get on a list for a kidney transplant. I am going to see if I am a match. My sister is waiting the results of her thyroid byopsy but the heart and esophogus spams have stopped. Dad never did get his prostrate biopsy. He took the meds wrong and had to reschedule.

Wow......... we were a completely normal even boring family for about 20 years then all hell broke out about 10 years ago as you know. At 55 I really do not know how many more good years I will have with all of my loved ones. Of course, we never know that but circumstances have made me think about this long and hard.

Shocked Again by Crack

2011-08-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

Many unspeakable things have happened and I am burned out. To make a long and excrutiating story short Beth has been using crack since the very first day she got out of the hospital. She has been leaving the apartment for hours at a time in her body cast . She threw me and her caretaker out because we would not give her money for the crack. She refused to see a Dr. and threatened to hang herself. I called 911. They came and found her walking the streets in her body cast. She refused to go with them and they let her refuse. I knew that would happen but I had to try. (All they have to say is ...."I don't feel that way anymore."

I do not want her to die but she is definately killing herself with these drugs.She had plenty enough morphine and percoset and clonoprin to just sleep but that was not enough she wanted crack. She is wild abusive and down right dangerous to herself and others when she is on crack.

I had pains in my chest after my latest tour of the bowels of hell. I am so sorry but I have come to the point where I have to save myself. I fear for my sanity and my health. There is more to this than I can bring myself to write. I am fearful, disgusted but more than that just burned out.

There comes a point in all illness where there is no more quality of life. She is there. I want her to live so much but everything I do only prolongs her suffering. I can not make her change or even slow her down one iota. She was able to get crack in her body cast without any cash. She clearly wants crack more than life, more than pain relief, more than anything. YEars ago, her sister asked her how could you destroy our familly. We were happy. We had love and fun and all the good things in life. Beth said, " that is true but none of that comes even close to what I get from crack.

I did not believe her then but I believe it now. I am going to save myself if I still can.

I told her to stop calling me. I gave her numbers for social services, etc. If she can arrange for rides, clients and try to black mail her cargiver into letting her sell her perscription opiates for crack then I do believe she can get herself to the Dr. or arrange for rehab. I have been through rehab with her 8 times already. I have no intention of participating again. I told her that she needs 90 days clean with tests to document before I will take a call from her. I called the crisis center. I called 911.

She will have to find someone else to be her rep payee for SSI. I am done. This was my bottom. When I get near her I get beat up emotionally and it does her no good. I could take the abuse if it did some good for her but it does not.

This is where my thousand and one ideas on how to help her have led. I said I would tell you the truth and there it is.

Progress Not Perfection

2011-08-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

Beth did not leave the hospital against medical advice. The nurses had told her to get dressed to leave. A friend of hers helped her get dressed. She waited for two hours but then left feeling not too much pain because of the intervenous delautid.

Anyhow, I got a real friend to stay with her. We cleaned the apartment and got a referral from the hospital social worker for some in home care. My GP wrote a script for her meds in the meantime which I dole out one day at a time. I got her an appointment with a spinal specialist from the Rothman clinic and gave my number to the neighbors. I go out every day to make sure that her needs are met. She is cooperating with the pscyh meds and let me make a key to her apartment.

I talked to the hospital social worker, administrator and head nurse. No one said she left ama which is kind of a surprise. I was also surprised that there weree no drugs or alcohol in her blood. She was detoxing for a suboxone induction.

I thought she left with the sugar daddy to get her own drugs but I am not sure of that either as she was in screaming pain during the night. Why didn't the neighbors call 911? Why dIidn't she call me? I asked her and she said it only hurt that bad when she tried to get up so she did not try to get up more than a couple of times.

She is mentally ill but not legally insane which I think makes the system pretty crazy but there you have it. There are very few beds for the mentally ill. If the person is not a clear and present danger to others even if they were 5 minutes ago they are usually not allowed inpatient. She actually had a pscyh eval at my request as the hospital she was in had a mica ward. The shrink said that she had to want to help herself and did not meet criteria for involuntary commitment.

This would not have happened pre Ronald Reagan. We used to have psychiatric facilities in each county. Now we do not. Most of the mentally ill only do physical harm to themselves. That is the only reason we do not have more virginia tech type trajedies. I know that there were abuses in mental hospitals but they have not been replaced with other community supports. The families do what they can until they burn out.

Thanks for all your help on my last post.

Pain Returns Full Force

2011-08-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

I drove out to Beth's apartment this morning where her sugar daddy was supposed to be taking care of her. The neighbors ran out to greet me saying that they heard her screaming in pain. They wanted to know why she was there without a nurse.

She had no perscriptions and no dischcarge papers. Only the preliminary reports that I fought so hard to get 2 days earlier. The apartment was in such squalor that it is hard to describe. There was a crack pipe and heroin needles along with lots of blood spots in the bathroom. She got out of bed to answer the door. She had the neck brace off but the body cast on. She was gasping for breath and throwing up. She had tried to use the walker to help her get up out of bed but the wheels rolled and she fell down.

Is this the part where I was supposed to let her deal with the consequences of her own actions?

In a way I wanted to but I was afraid it could result in paralysis. I had to get the place clean enough for a health care worker to take the case. I knew that the addiction had her by the throat and that the mental illness was not being treated for months.

Would you have left any human being much less a child of your own in these conditions to fend for herself? She lost 10 % of her height due to the crushing down of her vertabrae.

Rock Bottom or.........

2011-08-05T17:04:00.000-07:00

Tuesday Morning: Beth is helicoptered to the trauma center. She has crushed down they call them compression fractures 6 thorasic vertabrae. I missed the part about her splitting the pole in two, rolling over the car and climbing out the window because it was on fire. ( I guess she said that when I was throwing up and crying.) She was flat on her back, writhing in pain and having difficulty breathing but still talking and crying. " I am so sorry. Thank you for coming. I am so so sorry." she kept saying.

Tuesday night: We went home and tried to figure out how to make our house handicapped accessable, how to get a hospital bed and what other equipment we would need for her recovery. My husband, daughter and I were by her side most of the day. When we left, her friend Mike got there by bus. He had to borrow the money for bus fare and had none left over to eat but he was there.

Wed: My sister and I arrive at the hospital in the morning to find that Beth has given the nurses a hard time during the night. She could not urinate and they would not bring her a catheter so she screamed and threw the bed pan. Finally a nurse brought a temporary catheter and helped her urinate. The next time she had to go no one came and she got out of bed on her own. They were very upset that she had done that and they told me she would be discharged in a few minutes. They also told me she was a heroine addict.

I asked to see the social worker and the patient advocate. I also asked for a psych eval for Beth. The pshychiatrist told me that she had offered Beth 3 to 5 days in the psychiatric drug rehab and Beth refused. The social worker never came and we were denied access to Beth's records. She could not walk safely on her own so I did not see how I could take her home. I wanted a few more days in the hospital or a physical rehab. The nurses thought that she would be fine once they snapped on her body cast but it looked gruesome to me. They threatened that if I did not take her home, they would discharge her to the homeless shelter.

I told Beth, that I did not believe they would really do such a thing but that if they did I would come and get her. I left to get away from the badgering.

Thursday: I stayed away from the hospital all morning and went to see about the wrecked car. It looked apalling. The roof was caved in. The engine was in the passenger seat and the front hood was basically gone.

The social worker talked to me on the phone and said that yesterday should not have happened. She would arrange for whatever physical therapy thought was appropriate including rehab or home health care and durable equipmnent.

My husband and I went to see her at about 6:30 pm. Just before we got there we got a phone call from Mike. He said she had been to physical therapy once and was able to take baby steps with a body cast and a walker. He said they were going to discharge her now. He had helped her dress. The nurses had told her to be ready. What?

When we entered the room, Beth was sitting up on the side of the bed with the walker in front of her. She had a glint in her eye and looked exited. She said she was ready to go home to her apartment. She wanted to try it on her own and she was going to ride there with her friend John. ( older, polite man who works as a janitor and lives in his daughter's basement.} I looked at Mike who had been with her the whole time and promised to help take care of her. He was visibly shaken and saying but you need help.

Beth said, " I am going hom with John. Then, John walked in and I left with my husband and Mike. My head was spinning and I was astounded. Mike said as we got in the elevator.....I know that old guy. She wants to go with him cause he will buy her drugs. He won't stay to help her. I will help her anyway when he is gone.

Rock Bottom for the whole family. We thought this was a terrible accident but a golden opportunity to nurse her back to life and keep her away from drugs. She had other plans. Amazing, sad and true.

Wednesday morning:

6 fractured vertabrae

2011-08-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

Beth was in a bad accident. Only she was hurt. She split a pole in half and rolled the car. She is in a lot of pain in spite of all the drugs the hospital is giving her. She kept thanking us for coming to the hospital.
I cried and threw up when I saw her. I was actually grateful for her pain. It meant that she was not paralyzed. I got a phone call from a fireman this morning that she was helicoptered to the trauma unit. He did not know her status and had the wrong hospital. Fractures are from L6 to L12. I am so glad that she lived through this and did not kill anyone else.

Tennis Anyone?

2011-07-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

Beth was a very talented tennis player. She was the number 1 varsity player for a very large high school starting in th 9th grade. She started too late to be World Class but she was well on her way to a college scholarship when the bipolar disorder kicked hr to the curb.

Tonight my phone rang and it was Beth. Apparently she had gone to the public courts and was volleying with a 9 year old girl.
The girl's father who plays tennis noticed her form and explanations of stance, how to hold the racket, etc. He wants Beth to teach his daughter three times a week. Beth was very excited and talked to her Dad for
advice. My husband was a former USTA ranked player and instructor.

I congratulated her and said that good things come from being in good places with good people.

Isn't it odd how all these things are happening at once? I believe that some of your prayers are getting through. Beth wanted to teach and coach tennis. She wanted to compete. She used her physical activity to combat her depression but then she wrecked her knee which ended the competition.

NO SHOW

2011-07-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

I texted Beth last night to please answer if she was alive. No answer. She texted me this morning wanting to withdraw her normal allowance at 8 in the morning. Huh? An addict awake at 8 in the morning.

I said I was afraid she was dead last night. HOw about coming with me to check out the methadone clinic this morning? I told her that she has asked me to stay available for her call about 3 times in the last week and then did not call back for days. I told her that I thought she was near death. She took about 15 minutes to answer but she said that yes she would come with me to see the methadone clinic.

I let her withdraw her 20 bucks to put enough gas in her tank to get over here and never heard from her again today. There was a man with her. She called me so I knew that it was her and not just someone she gave the phone to.

She was supposed to come to my house by 9 am. At 9:15 I texted her again. No answer. At 10 am I went for a walk with my friend who knows the whole sad story but never mentioned any of this to her. I need to vent. I vent with you because you know this life. I trust my friend but I do not want to contaminate every aspect of the life I have left with this sad business.

No Answer

2011-07-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

The last phone call I got for money was on Sunday. She called on Monday to say that she was going to get her brakes fixed. I said that would be fine as I was just hanging out at home. She would need me to write a check from her account to cover the brakes. She never called but I did see that she withdrew her normal amount from her savings only account.

I texted her this morning to see if she would drive down to the methodone clinic just to look around and find out how it works. There has been no answer. Her phone goes directly to voice mail.

I appreciated your concern and prayers pertaining to my last text. I have done all of those things that you suggested whith much hope but no good results. My daughter could be in rehab by tommorrow morning and she knows it. She hates they way she feels when she is sober.

Will You Find a Good Home For Max IF I DIE?

2011-07-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

A friend of Beth told me today that she asked him to find her cat a good home if she dies. She keeps calling me to say that she is going to do one thing or the other and will call me right back. Then I hear nothing for a few days.

She always needs money and I do not give it to her. She is in very bad shape now. Her arms and neck look good but her legs and feet are full of needle marks. It also looks like her car has been loaned out to drug dealers. It is falling apart.

God, please give us the strength to bear what we must.

Puppy Patrol

2011-07-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

We have a beautiful, affectionate, sweet sweet puppy that is on my last nerve! We bought him as we should not have done just after the death of my mother in law. He is a cavalier spaniel that loves to nestle in with us. He is very lovable but he can not hold his business for very long to make it through the night.

This job has somehow inordinately landed on me. Everyone was willing to help and they do help but I am the one constantly spending the majority of time around his pee and poop schedule. There has been trouble in our wigwam over this. Wouldn't it be ironic if we all forgave each other and learned to live a pretty good life in spite of Beth's addiction but split up over a puppy? I would feel perfectly justified in taking him back or finding him a new home but i do love him and he gives me many hours of pleasure just being in the moment watching him. That said, I guess I will set up another schedule and have a family meeting realizing that I am the primary caretaker because I love him now.

Beth called today to get money for the beach. I ignored the call and text. I put her agreed upon amount in the bank on Mon. Wed and Friday. However she has gotten into the habbit of wanting advances on Sun, Tues and Thursday. Tonight I told her no. Mon. Wed and Friday. That is enough of me dealing with her money. I started putting into her savings only account because I did not like her showing up at my house with various and sundry shady characters.

I will go to the Dr. with my 76 year old recently widowed Dad tommorrow. He has some sort of procedure that preceeds a biopsy of the prostrate. He had a high reading. He keeps busy and has always had good health so I hope this is just on of our modern medical scares.

I am so glad to have the time to devote to my Dad and sister. I only wish that I could have retired sooner to be there more for my mom and grandmother. I was just not old enough to start collecting my pension until this summer.

Life Goes ON

2011-07-23T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have not posted since my mother in law's funeral. Beth attended the services. She wore a black suit with a long sleeved white collared shirt. Her hair was in an up-sweep and she conducted herself very well. It was a glimpse of her normal side.

She has been on and off of heroine several times since then. She helped a dying woman get into hospice and continued to visit her at the nursing home till the end. She took in another man who was on his last legs. He became psychotic and threatened to kill her. Actually, he cried and said that he loved her but that he was thinking , obsessing about killing her. She took him to the psych ward. They told her the cancer probably took over his brain.

We are invited to a big family wedding at the end of the month. I told Beth that I did not want to exclude her but I can not take the chance of getting picked up with heroine in my car. (It is a 6 hour trip to the wedding.) She said that she will just stay home so as not to be a burden. I said that she could detox once again and I would hold her suboxone for the course of the weekend. She said she would think about it.

The conversation went well but I do dread her reaction to th event. She usually gts involved in some huge self destructive event when left out of something. In any event I can not risk my pension and the legal remifications of her getting caught with the big H on this trip. Of course, this is not to mntion th bizarre behavior that could and probably would happen as well.

My sister has been very ill, almost died but is on th mend now. I did retire from my job and do not intend to pursue other paid employment until the winter. I want to devote time to my father, sister and myself for awhile.

Today is Elsie's Funeral

2011-05-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

My dear sweet mother in law died peacefully a week ago today. My husband and I had just been to see her. She had not been feeling well that day. She was in her bed and said..... I have been going through something today. We asked what was wrong. Was her back hurting again? She said no, my back is good but I just don't feel as wonderful as I usually do. My husband said he was glad that at 93 she felt wonderful on most days.

We told her about the puppy that we were planning on buying and she seemed to pep up. She was looking forward to her daughter coming home from Arizona in a few days and her other son coming to visit the next morning. We laughed when hubby told her that the undertaker's wife Jane had asked about her. Elsie said, she probably wants me to hurry up!. Jane is a wonderful person and she is not like that. Elsie said oh i know she is, I was just kidding. Sure she hears that a lot.

Before we left she hugged us both and told us how greatful she was that we come to see her. She always tell us before we leave how happy she is to have us right next door. I kissed her and told her she was the best. My husband told her she was the sweetest sweetest thing. We felt her head which was a little damp but not warm. We asked Evelyne to take her temperature and tell us right away if it went up. We planned to check on her in the morning.

According to Evelyne , she had more energy after our visit. They planned to wake up early and watch the royal wedding. Elsie got up to cross the hallway and Evelynd heard her. Elsie closed her eyes and stepped over to the other side. Evelyne caught her and laid her down gently. She was gone just like that. Christine said " Leave it to Nana to die a happy death!"

I know she was old and I know it was a good way to die but oh I just want her back. I would have told her more than just you are the best. I would have told her that she was a joy and a comfort to me since I met her when I was 16 years old. I would have told her that I am greatful that she raised a son who is my love. A man who has always been faithful, kind and true. I would have thanked her for seeing my children every day of their lives while they were growing up. She loved them like a rock. I would tell her that she was my mother, my neighbor and my friend. I wish I would have asked her more questions. I just want to still know that she is there. She will always be a big part of me and I miss her so.

Why didn't you tell me?

2011-04-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have often regretted that my daughter kept the rape a secret. Imagine a 16 year old girl from a sheltered life suffering a gang rape and keeping it to herself for years. It tormented me that it happened. It also tormented me that I was not the type of mother that she could tell this secret to. Today she told me why.

She said the rape was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She said she was lucky to get out with her life but she did not really survive it mentally. She did not tell anyone because the perpetrators told her that if she told anyone they would kill her. She feared for her life during and after this rape.

She stated flat out that it was the worst thing that ever happened to her and it led directly to her addiction.

Call From My Dad

2011-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

My Dad called me last night. He is still in Florida at the over 55 RV resort. He was so worried about me because he could not get me on the phone. Apparently my sister could not get me either. He said he is keeping busy and doing ok most of the time. Then he broke down and cried about my mother's passing. We both said that we go along ok and then some little thing just triggers the grief.

Anyhow, he has a lot of activities and a lot of friends down there. I worry about him more when he comes home. He and my Mom were so social and Florida and not social at all here in Jersey.

One Hundred Percent Normal Today

2011-04-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Beth stopped by today. She had on a low cut t-shirt. She had make up on her face and neck but her neck did not look all puntured and torn up. It has done a good deal of healing since the last time I saw her. She was reasonable, affectionate and kind. She told us why she likes the new boyfriend and her reasons all made good sense. They are planning to attend church together and instead of rejecting his beliefs, she says she understands how he feels. I said , "God loves you and Jesus died for all of our sins." Going to church is a good thing. It can bring you Joy and Comfort.

She was moved to tears at the food stamp office. Everyone had their food stamps reduced by 15 dollars. Upon hearing this, an elderly woman in a wheel chair had an asthma attack. Beth said, " I felt so bad because these elderly disabled people can not do a single thing. I can do something sometimes but they can not even walk!" Her Dad said there are many people worse off in this world. You do not have to look far.

She said she was happy staying in her apartment. She said that the boyfriend visits each evening. They eat dinner, take a long walk by the water and then watch some movies.

Dear God in heaven please let some of this be true!

Trying to Mind My Own Business

2011-04-02T18:51:00.000-07:00

Not the boyfriend tells me that Beth has not taken her cat home. She tells me that she is back in her apartment but that is probably not true if she does not have the cat. I keep putting her suboxone in the mailbox but I am not comfortable with this. I think I will give the meds to hubby to dole out Mon-Friday. Also all of this may change with the drug test on Wed.

Every time she comes off a big bender like this she is skinny and proud of it. She is remorseful and sick of the drug life but proud to be thin. I wonder if some of this is fueled by her desire to be thin. (I will just use for a little while and then loose some weight fast!)

Who knows? I had a nice breakfast with my husband and brother in law. He just faced life and death with severe angina followed by several stents. I was going to go to the movies with them but petered out in the last few minutes because I just felt so sad. I went home, took a nap, read a book, cleaned up some and started to research retirement options. Would the reduction in stress help me? Or is it possible that the lack of structure would encourage me to dwell even more on Beth's problems?

Surely I must develop a plan to put structure but no undue stress on myself during retirement. I could teach a few college classes or be a literacy volunteer plus a regular exercise class and a breakfast or lunch meeting with the girls once a week seems in order.

What are your plans for occupying yourselves in retirement?

The Relief OF Tears

2011-03-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up at five this morning crying and crying. My daughter's situation seems to be mixed in with the emotions that keep washing over me regarding the death of my mother and two dear friends in the last three months.You might think this would be negative but I actually felt a lot better today. It seems it was good for me to cry intensely and then get on with the business of living for the day. It is sort of like the difference between feeling nautious all day or just throwing up and feeling better.

I went on to spend the day visiting a number of very talented teachers. The first class was a guitar ensemble. They were playing some very complex but soothing pieces from Mozart and Bach. It was really beautiful and serene. It occured to me that I could listen to this type of music everday for some interludes of comfort.

Next, I visited two art teachers that were so talented. Their students were doing self-portraits. The likenesses were incredible. They invited me back at the end of the day to create a hand painted silk scarf with some other faculty members. All in all it was a good day. It was a bit of calm amidst the storm.

Beth Cancelled Dr. Appointment

2011-03-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

She cancelled her appointment and rescheduled for next Wed. She is back in her apartment and taking her psych meds. She called me over and over again wanting to know why I think she is doing poorly. I was like...... well it is your business but I do not want to watch you kill yourself. You were living with a heavy user, you have needle marks in your neck so that is what leads me to think you are doing poorly.

I said that I would only believe a urine test that was observed by a nurse or Dr. If she wants me to hold the suboxone for her then I need to know that she is taking it. I need to know that she is not bringing in someone else's urine. She called me a bitch and hung up. Then she called back several more times but I did not answer. Then, she texted that she would consent to such a test at her next appointment. She feels bad that I do not believe her. She is a different person. She did not have to tell me she was living in a drug house but she did.

OK we will see how it works out that way. One in a million chance that she is telling the truth or will at least try to get a grip on herself between now and next week. The suboxone does help but she has to still live without the high and take it.

Big Day Tomorrow

2011-03-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Beth will go to the suboxone Dr. at 4. I will meet her there and she will be drug tested. We will see if the suboxone is in her system and what else is there as well. I am not sure if we will see the results right at the office or in a day. I stopped by the Dr office today. I told her that Beth is staying with a very heavy user. This much she admits to. Even if by some miracle she is not doing heroine right now, it is not a healthy place where she can stay clean.

Tom from recovery helpdesk is supposed to talk with Beth on the phone at 1. I will be surprised if she picks up but she said that she would. I finally told my husband all about this. It started just before he left with dd2 for the weekend.

He was a big help in getting my emotions back in the box. You know what I mean don't you?. I mean not exactly where my emotions are not hurting me but out of sight, somewhat organized and contained.

Beth was going to work with a life coach as well but today she told me that she does not need anymore counselling. Did I mention that she told me she is shooting water into her neck because she misses the needle but she is not doing crack or heroine?

I am trying to detach with love at this point. I have to create some distance to protect my sanity and my ability to sleep, work and interact like a somewhat normal person.

What hurts worse?

2011-03-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

I knew that I was suffering watching Beth slowly kill herself but it was not until recently that I really understood just how excrutiating the pain is. I watched my mother writhing in pain from blood clots, then gangrene. I watched her kineys fail and tried to comfort her. My father, my sister's and I agonized over the end of life decisions. When to let go and when to hang on. It was exhausting and excrutiating. When the end came it still caught me by surprise. It made me nautious, weak and gasping for breath through my tears. My mother's death was very painful but was it more painful than the many many days, weeks and months of my daughters addiction?

Eventhough I loved my mother.......... the addiction is worse because the loss goes on and on. I am exposed to a level of degradation and desperation that I did not know existed. Many of you are parents of addicts so you know the pain. I wonder if the addicts know how much they hurt us? I wonder if their counselors know how much they hurt us.?

Not The Boyfriend Tells Me She is Still Using

2011-03-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

Beth's friend Mike tells me that she is still using crack...... injecting it in her neck now. She has left his place and her psychiatric meds behind. She is couch surfing from place to place. Will not go back to her apartment it is too far away. Will not come to my house as the rules are too strict. Is there any point of getting off heroine if you are still doing crack? Especially if you are still using needles?

Yesterday was one month since my Mom died. I have had two good girlfriends die since December. All of these deaths were preceded by short but difficult illnesses of a few months. Yesterday my husband said that I talk about death and depressing things too much. I said......." but that is all we have left in our lives."

I know that is not the right way to feel and I know I have to get my own life back on track. I do not particularly like cleaning house but I think I will. It appeals to me now as something that I can actually control!

How TO Pace Yourself at Work

2011-03-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have been so depleted lately. I just come home, sit in the chair and can not move. It occured to me that I forgot to apply what I know about pace.

1. People are more efficient and make less errors when they take breaks.
2. I can and should make my own breaks.
3. Take a full hour for lunch or how ever much time you are aloud. If you have some time left over go for a walk, sit in your car beside a pretty place or listen to an audio book. I ate my sandwhich while watching the ducks.
4. Stand up and walk around every 60 to 90 minutes.
5. Do not add anything to today's list of things to do. When something comes up put it on the next day's list unless it is a dire emergency. If it is a dire emergency move something from today's list till tommorow's list.

I followed these rules today and had a good amount of energy at the end of the day. What a relief! Life was worth living. I plan to repeat this behavior tomorrow. Maybe you will too!

Who Would Break Up A Romance by TEXT?

2011-03-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter Chris just got dumped by her boyfriend of 6 months. He seemed to be absolutely infatuated with her and she with him. Turns out he was communicating with the x girlfriend all along. When Crhistine was away for the weekend with her Dad, boyfriend got together with old girlfriend and texted Chris that the feeling was gone. They are young. She is resilient but she was left, shaken, crying and throwing up.

I feel bad that I did not see through this too much too soon over the moon bullshit but there it is . He ws a player mascarading as a true blue so much in love good guy. He fooled me too! Also do not understand why he wanted to ruin her little get away with her Dad. He could have been a man, waited one more day till she came home and then done the deed in person.

I sure hope this is not the norm now breaking up by text!

These are my boundaries. They help me cope with mental illness/addiction

2011-03-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

1. No drugs in my house.
2. No needles in my house.
3. No shady characters in my house.
4. No cash gifts.
5. No replacement of non cash items that dissapear.
6. No bail or paid attorneys for crimes commited.
7. If you loose you car or get a traffic ticket you pay it or not.
8. I will help you but I will not put myself in danger to help you.
9. No rides out of bad neighborhoods.
10. I do not answer my phone in the middle of the night. I turn it off.( My husband's phone is on but she does not abuse that for some reason.)
11.She does not have keys to my home. She is not allowed in unsupervised.
11. No threats, no hitting, no throwing objects or damaging property. This kind of behavior results in expulsion from house , the police or mental hospital will be called.
12. The addict is not allowed to bring people into the house without prior approval.
13. No visitors are allowed knocking on the door. They must call and bde approved.
14. I never leave my purse, money or credit cards unsupervised. They are locked in my trunk or in the safe.
15. I will not lie or cover up for the addict. She knows that if I am questioned by her boyfriend, Dr. employer etc. police, I will tell the truth.
16. I will pay for medical attention and help with medical transportation when scheduled in advance.
17. I will include her in family affairs if she behaves. That is does not come around high or cause chaos.
18. She must take her medications to live with me for even a short time. She must maintain her own household on a regular basis but I will take her back home if she gets sick or has anxiety attacks. I will invite her home when she has to cope with something upsetting like death or other upsetting events.
19. She knows that she can take a break at any time. That is go outside or to a separate room to regain calm or lessen anxiety.
20. I do not comment negatively on herr appearance unless she is dirty or obscene.
21. I will helpwith and sometimes pay for any healthy activities within reason. This includes school, hobbies etc.
22. I manage her ssi money so that rent , utilities etc are paid. I give her an allowance from her own money on a schedule that she sets up ahead of time.
23. I admire her courage in dealing with this awful disase of bipolar that was no fault of her own. Over and over I support her as she fights and fails the fights again against this addiction. I will fight as long as she does. When she wearies of fighting and wants to give up I will encourage her to try again. I love her and she loves me. We have a bond that goes beyond disease and addiction.

Suboxone Dr. Says that Bipolar was not Adequately Treated

2011-03-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Beth's suboxone Dr. who is a neurodevelopmental specialist surprised me. She said that if Beth started using again then she the Dr. must have done something wrong in treating the underlying bipolar disorder and or ptsd. Wow, that was a shock. The Dr. really does not see this using as free choice. She sees it as triggered by some part of her mental illness that is not adequately treated.

I shared with her that Beth rarely sleeps and is plauged by anxiety. She wrote a perscription for clonoprin which I am holding for Beth. I am to give her one pill a day to help her sleep at night. I asked Beth what she was willing to do for herself so that she could sleep better. She said that she would drink less caffeine. (Not quite the response I hoped for but I let it go. How about exercise, sleeping in bed instead of the couch and doing something productive during the day?).

Rose is a heroine addict who got absolutely clean using suboxone and xanax for anxiety held my her mom. Kelsey is a cocaine addict/ schizoaffective disorder patient who is close to clean. This one goes on a cocaine bender 2 to 3 times per year. The rest of the time she is up and down in her mental illness but does not use drugs that are not perscribed. These are people that I know and I know that the stories are true.

Suboxone Treatment

2011-03-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I was advised that at the levels my daughter was using heroine that she should be observed taking her suboxone for the first few weeks. I watch her take one dose. Her friend watches her take one at noon and she takes her own dose in the middle of the night. Overall she looks pretty good and is trying to keep busy.

Without my alanon experiences I would have insisted that she stay here so I could see the 2 am dose. Or I would have called or who knows what. I was very upset on her third day when I saw her looking very groggy. That is when I called Tom from recovery helpdesk. He said that an observed dose is typical at this stage and that she might even be still using some but that it is likely to resolve if she has the dicipline to keep up the suboxone. ( Well, that is quite a concept!) Actually I have a girlfriend from rehab that told me her daughter tried suboxone several times but that she finally got off heroine when she was willing to come home and have her Mom give her all her doses. I give her exactly the right amount each day. So, she could be diverting one dose but not all three. I will tell you how it goes.

Also, she had cut back from 10 bags of heroine per day to 5 before doing the detox. I saw her during the detox and she looked pretty bad like she had a bad flu. She threw up some. Her muscles and bones hurt all over. She also was taking 50 mg of xanax every 4 hours to keep from screaming into the night. She procured those xanax on her own. The Dr. did not perscribe them. Incidentally, although I was certainly leary about this, I do know that they give the addicts xanax and a lot more when they detox at a medical facility. She knows it too as she has done it about 8 times.

I went to an alanon meeting tonight. I have not been there in several months and the meeting has gotten much smaller. I wonder what happened. It has been a great meeting for the last 5 years. tYou may wonder how I go along with suboxone and alanon. Well, modern alanon and aa is supposed to allow any drugs taken as perscribed by a Dr. That being said, I have tried the tough love approach and the AA approach and the alanon approach each for long periods of time and got no more than 6 weeks of sobriety. This latest harm reduction, keep my detachment with love but assist in recover as much as I can approach has yielded 9 months clean with a recent relapse.

I do not kid myself though. She stopped herself but she was just lucky not to be arrested. I hope that she did not share needles or put her health at risk in other ways but she probably does not even know all that she did. I actually wanted her to go on methadone or preferably a rehab followed by methadone.The longest periods of sobriety that I have seen in heroine addicts have come from methodone or total aa dedication. Her bipolar disorder does not lend itself to group sharing and participation. That is a fact.

I am not advocating this path but people should know that it exists and many have found sobriety or a law abiding relatively productive life in this way. At this point, I would be very happy with a safe, law abiding, relatively productive life for my daughter.

Death Leads to Relapse

2011-03-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

Beth was using again. She called me at work last Tuesday to tell me. That was less than two weeks since my mother's death. She arranged to start taking suboxone again. The Dr. wanted her hospitalized to detox prior to the suboxone as she did not think that Beth could hold out the necessary 48 hours prior to suboxone induction without using heroine.

There is no detox within 100 miles of us. She would not go to Florida and decided to ride it out on her own. I offered to sit with her or bring her to my house. She stayed with a friend in town close to a drug area. She threw up, she ached all over, she looked horrible but she stuck it out. She says that she was clean for 9 months but started to use again to cope with the sleeplessness and anxiety that she experienced surrounding her grandmothers death. The last time she went on a major bender and we though she was dead was right after my father in law died.

Her neck and hands were full of needle marks. It made me feel all nautious and shaky. This reminds me of a story I heard long ago. A friend told me that her sister was married to a recovering cocaine addict. He had not used in years but when their baby got sick and almost died he dissappeared on a cocaine bender. They can not handle the stress and that means that we can predict that when we are at our lowest they will also be in crisis.

I knew she was not handling it well. She was very tearful. She could not sleep. She worried about her grandmother being in pain. I told her that I needed her to be ok so that I could go and take care of my mom. Beth said she was ok but she was not. It seems as though she started to settle down after the death. That is when she finally quit worrying about it and accepted it.

In The Sweet Bye and Bye

2011-02-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

My Mom passed today at around 12:30. Eventhough I knew it was eminent it nearly knocked me off my feet. I felt, dizzy, then nautious, then weak and wracked with sobs. My husband and son were very kind. They put me to bed and lay down with me just patting me for comfort.

My sister and father said that she passed very peacefully. They were sitting by her and she just stopped breathing. They were not even sure that she had passed until the hospice nurse came in to confirm it. It is very sad eventhough I know that there was no more quality of life left for her. I will miss her terribly.

Thanks for all of your prayers and kind words. They meant a lot to me. I will fly back to Florida one last time to spend a few days with my sister and father. It seems so odd not having a service right now. My Dad wants to wait till he brings her ashes back home in the Spring. She had last rights and communion several times before she died. We all said we loved each other and that we will meet again in the sweet bye and bye on the other side. There was no unfinished business.

No Hope, Too Much Hope and Finally Slipping Away

2011-02-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

My Dad called and put my sisters on speaker phone. He explained that the Dr. said there was no hope for my mom. He had performed an emergency operation on her groin to remove the blood clot and put in a screen after she was rushed to the hospital in screaming pain. Three time the Dr. removed the clots and three times they formed again. She has clots in both her veins and arteries in both legs. Dad said if they amputate her legs she will only survive a little longer or maybe not at all. Her heart is too weak to withstand a surgery.

After this desparate conversation I tried to get another flight to Florida. It was very hard to fine because of President's day weekend. DH wanted to come with me in spite of his recent foot surgery. I am glad he did as his compassion and sense of humor helped me compose myself time after time.

On Sunday Dr. P told us that Mom had a 80 percent chance of recovery with an amputation of her right leg. We convinced her to do it eventhough she was reluctant. The right leg was going to kill her if it was not amputated. There was no circulation and gangrene was setting in. Dad said he could help her learn to use a prostethis. He did not want her to die. He would take her home and take care of her. He told her the other leg was getting better. She said, no, it is getting worse. In the end, she went with hope and the amputation.

It worked for about one hour. For about one hour she was in less pain and more alert.The Dr's said she was getting better. I flew back home only to find out that the other leg is bad and her kidneys are failing. she was transferred to a hospice center where at this point she is mostly asleep. My sister took family leave until Wed. I will go back when she leaves or sooner if they tell me she is dying that day. I am a wreck. The pain comes and goes in waves. I do not want my Dad to be alone when she dies so I am waiting my turn but I WISH i had stayed. It keeps changing back and forth.

As my husband says, we were so tired, exhuasted and confused that we could hardly put our socks on. Then they come at us with contradictory and constantly changing information expecting us to make life and death decisions. I pray we have done right by her. She is resting comfortably now.

My father is by her side constantly. He has been very devoted. Everyone said there goodbyes. She had no unfinished buisiness. We have all long ago put aside any differences that we had. One good thing she got from having a bad heart for 24 years was that we all treated her well. We always knew that this time might be the last time.

New AGE

2011-02-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

It seems I have entered a new stage in life. My parents are failing as are the parents of my friends. Did I think that this would not happen to me? It was more fun when we were getting married and having babies.

Mom is in a lot of pain. During my visit there they thought it was from sciatica. Now they have found a blood clot. They only looked for a blood clot after a desparate call from my father telling me that she was much worse. I called the hospital administrator, her attending physician, the head nurse, the hospital she transferred from and her general practicioner. Amazingly, they had not communicated about her records and history previously!

Beth has been calling my Dad. That is nice of her. She visited her Nana today and brought her Dad lunch. All this with no requests for money!

I talked to Tom at recovery helpdesk on Wednesday. He gave me some good ideas that I had not thought of. He seems to think that Beth is either not using, has switched to something milder or has cut down greatly given her behavior. For whatever reason, it is the kindest and most considerate behavior she has demonstrated in years. Praise God and praise Beth for that!

There is an entirely different theory of how to deal with drug addiction. It follows the established and mainstream approach which is the norm in Europe. Essentially, they try to establish a connection with the addict to get them into treatment. If they can not get the addict into treatment, they try to keep them alive and as safe as possible until they come to their senses. They have a better success rate than we do in Europe and Canada. Less addicts die. Less get and spread aids and HEP C. There is less crime from addicts trying to get drugs.

This approach includes harm reduction, methadone maintenance treatment, needle exchange and other controversial for us in the USA strategies. Housing first is another one of their initiatives. They think that housing is an inalieable right of a human being. Most of us would agree with this concerning dogs but have trouble with it when it comes to an addict.

I am not saying that I totally agree or that it is for all cases. I am saying that it is worthwhile looking at what they do and why. It is reasoable to balance boundaries with compassion. It is reasonable to help someone who is sick yet we do not want to encourage substance abuse in any way.

Every time I hear of an addict who quits or just makes progress, I am happy for them and their families.

Flying to Florida

2011-02-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

Flying to Florida to see my mother on Sat. She is still very weak. Now she has developed sciatica on top of everything else.

Beth was here last week. She brought her dad a sci fi movie for his birthday. She also cooked us a shrimp alfredo dinner and sat to watch the movie with us. She finally got her car back the day before. She sure was happy about that.

Looks like she mostly living with the boyfriend again. She goes back to her apartment a few time a week. She seems happy and they are getting along for now. He quit drinking and looks good. He never did do major drugs. He used to call me up and rat her out when she relapsed. Maybe they will get along better this time. If only they could bring out the best in each other then they would really have something.

When it rains it pours!

2011-01-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

DH has an operation on his foot tomorrow to file down an overgrowth of bone. My mother had a silent heart attack and needs a valve replacement. We will hear what the plans are tomorrow. I have a big meeting with the superintendent tomorrow the content of which is unknown. My sister had to get a restraining order against her son. (Drugs involved here as well) \

On the positive side, my son is big and strong. He is taking my husband back and forth from the surgery then I will take care of him over the weekend. My youngest daughter came home tonight from college. She says she is going to take care of her Daddy when he gets home during the day.

My Dad plans to put me on speaker phone with My mother's Dr. if my parents need my help. He is pretty sharp so he might not need me. They are in Florida so I am very happy to have the technology. Mom had the flu or so they thought. Now they are saying it was a silent heart attack with subsequent valve damage. She is very weak but still soldiering on.

Snowed In and Thinking.......

2011-01-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

I was snowed in today. It was great to relax, get over my cold, skype with my Colombian girl friend and play on the computer. I had a leasurely breakfast then watched univision for an hour to practice my Spanish. That was followed by the skype call with Colombian friends who were on vacation on a tropical island. It is amazing how skype makes you feel like you are really there. She showed me the hotel pool, courtyard and the beach. Her husband and I exchanged pleasantries. I have known Estelita for over 30 years. She was an exchange student at my house and I was an exchange student at hers. We talked about the visit from Beth's Birth mom. She thinks it is a positive thing.

Beth called today. She said that she had a nice visit wtih Linda. She thinks she is a good person. Beth told her the whole story up front about her addiction and mental illness. Beth said she does not want to have to deal with explaining it later if she should hear it from someone else. That is a very good point as I still can not imagine how she did not hear tell of this. Maybe she did.

Thanks you all for your kind words of support. It seems that Beth and Linda went to her step brother's house for dinner after they left here but for some reason that did not work our and they ended up at Red Lobster.
The following day Linda spent at Beth's apartment and then she went to her mother's before leaving.

I texted Linda that it was good to see her and I was happy that the visit seemed to have gone well. She texted right back saying that she had just arrived and felt the same way.

I asked Beth if she had any of her questions answered. She said she did not ask any questions. She just listened and had decided to let the relationship start from here instead of asking about the past. It sounded right to me.

Birth Mother Visits

2011-01-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

Beth's birth mother came for a visit today. She has been in town for the last few days. She stayed overnight with Beth and then went to visit her own mother. It felt like seeing a long lost cousin. Someone who is family but not immediate family.

We were supposed to go to a nice lunch yesterday but that was snowed out. I told Beth to drop by with her to get a picture album that I prepared for her. Actually my other daughter picked out the pictures as it still gets me very emotional to look at those baby pictures!

Linda had the same sweetness and inteligence I remember. We were all a bit nervous but it went well. She told us about her children. They are doing well but she is having teen age problems with the middle boy. It sounded to me like Linda has had a rough 17 out of 25 years. She was married to a guy who abused drugs and alcohol. He was very controlling. In the last few years since her divorce she has finished her GED, gone to work and gone to college. She will finish her degree in May.

It gives me hope that Beth might come along some more as time goes by. Her birthmother is just getting her life on track now at 39. I do not know if she herself ever did drugs but I know that her husband did. Ocassionaly she would say something shocking in a very matter of fact tone. Like when she said " I was married for 17 years to an alcholic and crack head." She also complained of not being able to remember well on a regular basis. She has a blood disorder that involves forming clots. She also has lupus.

I asked her how often she visits her mother who lives in town. She said about once per year but it has been two years since she has been here. I told her that she will always be welcomed in my house. She said that she loves my husband and I.

He and I discussed it and said that we are not afraid of her. After all that we have been through with Beth this just pales in comparison. If Linda can love Beth and Beth can love Linda........ well she sure does need all the love and freindship that she can find if it is healthy. I was glad to hear them calling each other by their first names. I hope that they can be like friends or sisters. Maybe she understands this drug business better than I do. Maybe she can help Beth either find her way out or stay out of that life.

Beth and she seemed quite relieved. I think relief is what best describes what I saw. Beth was going with Linda to have dinner with her relatives here in town. That is a tremendous amount of socializing for Beth. I think the snow day really helped her handle it all. She called me that day and was exhausted. I can tell she is doing her best to hold herself together mentallly and put her best foot forward.

Beth so far has been very careful of my feelings. She keeps saying ....... I want to do this or that if it is ok with you. I do not want to jepordize our relationship or hurt you in any way. That is nice of her. It is sometimes a bit strange. Like when the birth mother wanted to tatoo her infant feet from the birth certificate on her leg. I said no to that. No to the tatoo but then I gave her the little picture album to look at.

She only sees her own mom once per year so she probably will not be around here too often.

Lunch with Birth Mom

2011-01-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that I was recently contacted by Beth's birth mother? She contacted me on facebook to say that she would like to make contact with Beth. She also thanked me for helping her out so many years ago. She did not seem to know anything about the problems that Beth has had though she still has family in this town. I asked Beth if she wanted me to give her birth mother her number. Beth said she wanted to talk to this woman but she did not want to hurt me. I said, I hope that it will be healing for the both of you. They talked the same day.

Linda will be in our town for the next several days and Beth wants us to have lunch together. I said yes as I remember her well. She was a sweet, young 13 year old girl who was just about to have a baby when she appeared in my classroom one day. I remembered her as I had taught her the year before when she moved away in the middle of the semester. Someone had told her I wanted to adopt a baby. That is why she came looking for me. I said yes but set up a time to meet with her and her mother along with my husband that night. When we arrived there was no one home. She was in the hospital giving birth to Beth. We took Beth home from the hospital 2 days later. It was Christmas Eve.

I think I should give Linda some pictures of Beth as she was growing up. The last time I looked at these pictures I got so depressed and cried so much that I stayed in bed all day so I might not go back over them. I told Beth to pick out a few for her but she did not do it. I have decided that it is Beth's decision how much she does or does not tell her birth mother. Typically, she tells people too fast about both her mental illness and her drug dependency days.

Beth always felt abandoned by her birth family. I hope this situation allows for healing for them without causing alienation for us. Linda sounds fine other than imagining that Beth had a fairy tale life. Pray for us in this touchy situation. We are hoping for the best.

Her Car Died!

2010-12-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

The Toyota that she paid three thousand dollars for in July just died! It was leaking oil fast, went into a death rattle and just stopped. My mechanic says a rebuilt engine might be the way to go. Yikes........

She was a hysterical mess waiting for the car to be towed away. She was tearful, mean and tapping her feet agitated all at the same time. I think they call this a mixed state. She checked the oil frequently so when the noise started, she did not think it was low on oil and kept driving a short way. Then it stopped.

Funny thing is, when the mechanic confirmed that it is a goner she took it well. I guess the anticipation of this problem bothered her more than the problem itself.

Now, we will see how this situation is resolved. This is a semi rural area so there is really no public transportation where she live. Busses are few and far between even here in town.

Christmas Night

2010-12-25T16:54:00.000-08:00

I am very greatful to have all of my grown children with me this Christmas. All in all the holiday went well in spite of the mine fields we had to side step thoughout the process. Beth came to two family dinners. The first one she arrived late and left early. We agree that this is not a big deal. She comes and goes as she pleases to adjust for her anxiety attacks. If she feels good, she stays if she feels bad she is free to go home or go to another room to rest. This approach has helped her a lot. She comes to more family gatherings this way though she does not usually stay very long.

Tonight , she arrived with a big bag of Christmas presents in toe. She sat and chatted with her sister and boyfriend at length, she greeted everyone and seemed greatful to be included. She gave out her presents and thanked her aunt for including her in the festivities. This is big progress for her. It also means that Christmas happened to catch her on a good day for her mental issues. Crowds give her anxiety. Even family gatherings give her anxiety.

Beth gave her brother a present. He acted like a jerk. He did not say thank you and he did not give her anything. He has totally disowned her. If not for the fact that I will not let him live with me if he will not say hello and goodbye to her he would not do that either. This is disturbing to me though I certainly aknowledge that her addiction nearly distroyed our entire family. She did horrible things and we all suffered. I have talked to my son about this many times. I want him to forgive if not forget and to be her brother again. We even went to a family therapist who said that it was his choice to cut her off. According to the counselor that we paid for such sage advice, siblings do not have the same kind of love as parents to children and that is ok.

I do not think that this rejection is ok. I pray that one day he has the compassion towards his sister that he seems to have for his friends.Last year, he would not have stayed in the same room with her so there is some miniscule progress there. It was our first Christmas all toghether in 5 years. It was our first Christmas without POP POP. I can't help thinking that some of the progress that has been made is due to POP POP up there in heaven doing his best to lobby for us and get some of this mess straightened out. He always wanted the best for us. He told me that he thought we were very good parents. He could not understand the trouble that we had with Beth and sometimes our boy. That was kind of him.

My younger daughter brought her boyfriend with her. He seems like a nice young man. They were delightful to be around and also very kind to Beth. As the evening went on we held back some tears for POP POP, we were greatful for the progress we see in Beth and we laughed and laughed over some good shared memories. The food was great, the house was beautiful and we shared memories from many many happier times that we have had together. All in all I would say that it was good.

Merry Chritmas to all and to all a good night.

Dead at 58

2010-12-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

My good friend Cathy died on Wednesday morning of pancreatic cancer which had spread all over. She was surrounded by her family and friends. She was kept comfortable during the last days in the ICU. They did not try to prolong her life. They just kept her comfortable. She did not seem afraid or distressed.

This death had affected me greatly. I have difficulty sleeping and am tearful off and on throughout the days. It progressed in only a few months. She was totally destroyed in body but not in spirit or mind.

She was always on my side. I will miss her so very much.

Life Goes On

2010-12-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

A very good friend of mine is in the ICU. She has pancreatic cancer and they say she has less than a week to live. She is handling this with great dignity and even occasional humor. I am in awe of her. We have had a lot of fun times together and her friendship has made the hard times easier.

What a devastating disease this is! She is literally a skeleton. A few months ago she was the picture of health.

I got a message on my facebook from Beth's birth mother. She wanted to thank me and tell me how her life has gone since she gave up Beth for adoption when she the birth mother was only 13 years old. apparently Beth never did talk to her. I thought she had. Also, she does not seem to know the trouble that Beth has seen in spite of the fact that this is a pretty small town.

Wow, it was a surprise as I have not heard from her in 25 years. I wonder if contact with her would help or hurt Beth..... I know that Beth has felt a tremendous sense of rejection and abandonment around the issue of her adoption. No matter how nicely and we have put it nicely the child still feels abandoned. I don't know why this came as such a surprise to us but it did. An adopted child misses their natural parents. Of course they do no matter how good you treat them. It is not their fault. It just is what it is.............

The birth mother tells me that she is about to graduate from nursing school. She will understand if I do not reply as she does not wish to intrude if Beth does not know about her. Beth has always known and always felt different because of it. It might have been better if she did not know but we thought it was best not to keep secrets. She must be about 38 years old by now. I wonder if there is any family history that could shed some light on Beth's mental problems.

I am being very careful what I say to her as I feel that it is Beth's perogative and not mine to share or not share the details of her life with others.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T22:46:00.000-08:00

I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday. Twelve people came. They ate and laughed and caught up on family news. Beth came late which is fine. This is one of the ways she copes with her fear of crowds. She makes an appearance late at family gatherings. I was glad that she now has her own place which is close enough to our home that we can visit. It is much easier for me to have a life of my own knowing that she has the safety and stability of her own place.

In point of fact, this is the first Thanksgiving or major holiday that we have truely celebrated in many years. Before the addiction, we had most of the holiday gatherings at my house. Addiction changes the family dynamics as does mental illness.

We also decorated for Christmas and enjoyed xmas shopping today. Is Beth clean and sober? She looks good when she visits us. She still suffers from depression. She does not want to go back on her antidepressants even though she is still depressed. Her explanation is that it is better to cope with the sadness that comes from depression than the wreckless behavior that comes from the mania induced by the depression medication. She does seem a lot more respectful and reasonable.

I am spending a lot more time thinking about my work, my husband and my friends. I see Beth when she wants to see me which is usually three times per week. I dole out her SSI money in the manner that she determined which is 50 dollars per week split up on Mon. Wed and Friday. This puts gas in her car and buys cigarettes.

She came over here last weekend with a new boyfriend. He seemed very intelligent. He had a job and a car and a relationship with his parents. This is a new experience for her. I am sure he has his story too but she seems to be approaching normal more often now. It was nice that she wanted us to meet him and nice that they spent a Saturday night watching movies and playing pool in our house instead of all the other alternatives available to them.

She sometimes has two or three good days in a row. We are happy for those days. If she could hit that number consistently she might be able to work part time for someone else. As it is, she continues doing her pet grooming sporadically. She does her own shopping, house keeping, doctor visits and self care. She tells me which bills to pay and when.She tells me her next goal for improving her life and safety. I help her achieve those goals letting her do for herself as much as she possible can.

Weather or not this housing first harm reduction model will allow her to sustain her sobriety is yet to be seen. It is a godsend to the people who love her. We feel much less guilty and much more free. She is safer and saner now than we have seen her in the past 8 years. The mental illness does not go away. But as they say in NAMI, we learn to manage and cope with the symptoms.

I am greatful to all of you for sharing your stories and support with me. I am always glad to hear from you. I pray our loved ones and our nation will find better ways to cope with the plague of addiction that has fallen on our land.

Cozy, Rainy, Sunday

2010-10-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

The weather turned cool today and it rained in the afternoon. It put me in a good mood to make some vegetable beef soup. Beth came over and we set up her budget. She will get a very small amount each week on the designated days. What she does with it is her business but there will be no more than that coming from me on a regular basis.She has to learn to live withing her means. We all do.

Just as the soup started to smell like it should, dear daughter 2 called to say that she was on her way home from college. She will spend the night here... My husband and son watched the baseball game together while I cooked. Right now my youngest daughter and her Dad are singing together in the living room. They have the kereoke backing them up so it sounds quite professional.

I now appreciate these homey days as I know what a true miracle they really are.

Got the Keys

2010-09-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

Beth and I went to sign up for the new apartment. She was neat and clean. Her hair was blown dry and loose over her shoulders. She was nice to the apartment manager and me. Her pupils looked normal, her speech, coordination and driving were good. She did keep her foot drumming in constant motion.

Then I noticed a big bruise on her hand where she used to shoot up. She saw me notice and said that the trunk fell on her hand. Yikes!

Look at my hand Mom, there is no hole in the bruise. There would be a hole there if I were shooting up. I wish the scars would fade.

I just said OH and changed the subject.

Don't most addicts shoot up someplace that can be hidden? She used the most obvious spot on her body.

When it rains it pours some more!

2010-09-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wed: 7:30 in the morning. I was hit by an SUV while I was stopped at a stopped sign. This pushed me into the intersection and jostled me around pretty good but I feel ok. The car is not driveable.

I worked all morning but had a big headache at 12:30 so I went home to sleep. Got up at 3 to take Beth to see an apartment in a nearby town that is subsidized. She could rent it for one third of her incom e. It was adorable and in a decent neighborhood. The woman from HUD told me that Beth is first on the list and it is the first time in 10 years that there has been an availability. If felt like the hand of God to me but Beth hated being in the country.

I dropped Beth off at her place and proceeded to meet my girlfriends. We cleaned house for a friend of ours who was recentlly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I cried when I got home as she looked so bad. The doctors say she has a good chance but oh my.... she looked bad.

My son cooked meatloaf and it was ready when I got home. He is a good cook. I went to bed at 8 and slept through the night.

Got up at 6 in the morning and decided to stay home to get xrays and take care of the car. All of that went well. I got all my estimates , a rental and got my car in the shop on the same day!

Had a big fight with Beth. She kept talking about what the 61 year old man said. I asked where he was right now and she admitted that she had moved him into her apartment on a trial basis. That hit my last nerve.
I said that I was really pissed that she moved him in without fully going over all the pros and cons with her father and I. I told her that he is to move out immediately because I am cosigned on that lease and I do not want him there. I cosigned and pay the utilities for her not for him. Get him out now. Your Dad and I will be over to check.

I told DH and he called her too. She called us back later that night to say that he was leaving in the morning and that even he thought that she should take the other apartment. All her friends say that it is a very rare opportunity. (I am glad someone is talking sense to her but why do I work my petutty off and she believes her friends?) She then had a calm and reasonable discussion with DH. He explained how this would give us peace of mind because we will not always be here to take care of her. He said that it is good that she wants to help others but she should help without bringing them to live with her. She needs her peace and stability.

She sounded resigned and not all oppositional defiant as she frequently gets. I went to my parents house for a short visit to find my lost calandar. We were just relaxing when I got a call from my son saying that DH was having another shaking and fever spell. The last time was on labor day when he was hospitalized. I was determined to take him to the U of Penna. ER but when I got home he really did not look too bad. He had a slight fever and chills but did not look at all alarming like before. We determined to wait and see. Sooo we all got a somewhat anxious night of sleep. He actually went to work in the morning. He did get another blood culture and perscription for Augmentin in the afternoon. Current diagnosis is sinus infection.

I went back to work this morning to face a long day of putting together reports for an audit on Monday. Hmmmmm...... typically I can say your lack of planning is not my emergency but in this case it was my boss who did not plan so it was my emergency. This pile of work was assigned on Friday morning. It did not come in on the 1.5 days that I was out.

The day went by like a flash and then I started the weekend. TGIF for sure!

DH Knows

2010-09-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

so, I told DH about the plans Beth has to move in this older man. He had the same reaction I did. He is so sick with eye bleeds, bad back, surgery scheduled for foot and eyes that I did not want to tell him. He may or may not do anything about it. We could stop paying her cable bill. We could even stop paying the electricity. That we do with our money. I could refuse to be rep payee but I do not think that I will.

She is a mentally ill adult with a powerful addiction making a bad decision with impaired judgment. She has never been one to respond to consequences since she got bipolar. I do not know if you can understand this but negative consequences just push her deeper into the muck. She embraces her bad decisions even tighter.

I remember when she was about 2 years old. She was fasinated by a beautiful snowball that was mostly ice. As she held it in her bear hand it began to hurt. She clenched her fist tighter and tighter. I was sure that when it hurt enough she would have to let it go so I waited. She cried, then she threw herself on the ground, then she started to kick and scream but she never let it go. In the end, I tried to prie it out of her hand but I could not get her fingers open. My husband was stronger so he took it away but by the time he could it was no more than a tiny pebble in her little hand.

I went to a NAMI meeting last night and heard some hair raising stories. It all comes down to that you take the drugs away from a mentally ill person , they are still mentally ill. Many many people look like they are mentally ill just because they are doing drugs. When they stop the drugs they are normal. Many many other people are mentally ill and addicted. When and if they stop doing drugs they are still very erratic in their judgement and behavior.

I know that my daughter sounds like she is doing drugs and she may very well be doing drugs. I also know that her illness creates bizarre behavior for her and for others that have it and never touched an illegal drug. When I first heard that she was addicted I was actually happy. I thought that if it was addiction and not mental illness then she had a better chance. I was convinced that she could and would be well as soon as she was abstinent. I did everything I could think of to encourage, force or beg for that to happen. I sent her to multiple rehabs and doctors, paid for halfway houses, refused to pay, refused to let her in my house for years at a time. Nothing helped. She only got worse.

This path allows the family to detach. She has shelter. She can choose to use her food stamps for food or drugs. I do not try to keep her even from hunger. I think the choice between food and drugs is appropriate. I do not think that abandoning a girl who has been gang raped to the streets is appropriate. I do not think that putting a girl with bipolar disorder and PTSD on the street is healthy for her or the others that she might harm in the mental states that ensue.

Oh well, like I said, I heard a lot worse at the NAMI meeting. I heard of perfectly sober 50 year old men attacking their mothers and not being allowed in the mental hospital. It is very hard to get into a mental hospital. That is why the prisons have become the mental hospitals. There are 5 times more mentally ill in the prisons than the hospitals because we have shut down most of the hospitals. Families are distraught and afraid. They look for help and get very little. The mental health system is broken. It is a wonder that there are not more tragedies like Virginia Tech. Families are left to cope without mostly on their own but they can not.

Pros and Cons

2010-09-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

She is still talking about moving in this man with liver cancer. Now the story goes that he has a good prognosis as they caught it early. He is taking some kind of non narcotic pain killer that starts with k......

I told her to list the pros and cons. She will do what she wants not matter what I say. Opposing her just causes her to hide it from me.

She said that helping him gives her a sense of purpose. She said maybe she could help him find another place but she really wants to have him at hers. I said, it can give a wonderful sense of purpose to help others but you could help him better if he were not living with you. You need a place to recharge and have peace. We all do.

I do not want this man taking advantage of her nor her taking advantage of him.

I did not share this with my husband as it might not ever happen and I keep things away from him as long as I can as he is in poor health.

A couple of you have mentioned the pain killers that this perspective roommate must have access to. Yep, I thought of that right away.

just another tricky day

You want to What?

2010-09-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

Beth plans to have the man she took to surgery move in with her when he gets out of the nursing home. He will pay half the rent. They are not romantically involved. I do not think it is a good idea. I told her the road blocks.

a. the place is too small
b. she is not emotionally strong enough to nurse a dying man
c. she does not know him well enough or know how erratic his behavior might be.
d. she does not know his full medical history and prognosis.

She said she will find out about all of this stuff and get back to me. Now he is not dying according to her. I told her that liver cancer is very serious. Chemotherapy is very debilitating. Many do not recover. I also told her that she does not need a roomate to cover her expenses. We will continue to give her work even in the winter. (She thought we would not give her work in the winter ).

He stayed with her for a few days before her surgery and she called me very distraught from seeing him in pain. She was also twisted about his sons not helping him. I said that it is great for her to help others but do not move them into her space. She needs her space to calm herself and to be her own space. She said that she would not put him on the lease. If the land lords object he will go.

I hope she rethinks this odd plan. I also told her that if he was an electrician all his life that his disability payments would be much more than hers so that his proposal to pay 300 per month was really very little. He earns more than her, comes with a lot of baggage but would pay less.

She was irritated at my comments even though she brought up the subject. I tried to put this advice like have you considered this and this and this.

Blood Infection

2010-09-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

DH was in the hospital with a blood infection. I am so glad that I took him in and that they admitted him. He has been doctoring for a couple of months now for a mysterious fever and terrible chills that come and go about every 6 weeks. Three doctors saw him , ran some tests and had him schedule to come back in a few weeks. They all saw the rash on his legs.

His last attack was very severe. He was not very responsive, seemed dazed and was shaking violently. I called the answering service and said that he looked alarming to me. I emphasized that his kidneys are very week, he has elevated white cells and has not even been given antibiotics. A bad infection could kill him and we know he has some kind of infection. I see him getting worse and worse and it scares me. She gave the go ahead to take him in. She had not seen him before but her partner had.

On the way to the hospital I called my brother in law who is a doctor. He said that blood cultures should be taken in fact should have been taken long ago and that he should be on intervenous antibiotics. The ER Doc was amazed that this had been going on for so long. He also said that the rash on the leg was celulitis which is an infection of the skin that could spread through the blood to his organs. They cultured his blood, put him on intervenous antibiotics and admitted him to the hospital for three days. His white cell count had skyrocketed.

What we learned......... Take care of rashes persistently until they are completely cured. Ask for blood cultures and antibiotics if an infection is present. Go to the hospital while the symptoms are severe so that they can see for themselves what is going on. This mad a big difference. No one really paid a lot of attention until they saw it.

Three doctors failed him but the fourth and fifth probably saved his life.

Life Goes ON

2010-09-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

Beth borrowed my GPS a few days ago. She had to take a sick friend to the hospital a few hundred miles up north. He needed a life saving operation and no one in his family would help him. He did not even have money for gas to give her for driving. She used her own money earned from cutting grass to help him out.

I imagined that this man has his own sad story of addiction or alcoholism that left him all alone in his dire illness. I told Beth, he must have done some really bad shit to have his entire family bail out on him in a life or death situation.

She said that his parents are dead. He is in his sixties. He worked as an electrician for many years and helped his family. Now, he is sick with cancer in his liver and kidneys and she not his family found him some kind of charity help.

Even though I have my trepidations about this relationship, I think that it is a good thing that she is feeling some compassion for another human being. This is a mere aquaintance of hers but she used her brain and energy to find him help. She brought herself out of her own misery to actually give this man a chance to live a little longer.

I was not enthusiastic about lending my GPS. I told her that I wanted it back the next day and that if I did not get it back I would deduct the price for replacing it first from the work she already did for me and second from her government checks. Then I worried....... not about the GPS really but about the fact that I gave her an item that was worth a couple hundred dollars that could surely be traded for drugs. There was a time not long ago that the GPS would not have lasted more than 5 minutes in her hands.

She did not defend herself. She brought it back the next day.

How can I be so proud of her and so suspicious at the same time? I note some progress and I even enjoy it but I know that she has a long long way to go. I pray that God takes care of her and forgives us both for the injustices and heartaches we have inflected on each other without the intention to harm.

AA Has Helped Millions But IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY OUT

2010-09-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

Most of what we hear about recovery is from AA. I love AA and Alanon. They have come across some universal truths.

I have seen many people recover using their principals. I have also seen more than a few people recover or at least stop using drugs/alcohol without joining up. Interestingly, these people are using many of the 12 steps anyhow.

I have great respect and well wishes for all the addicts in recovery no matter how they got to their recovery.

God Bless all of us who still suffer.

Accusations

2010-08-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day back to work in six weeks. It is wonderful to have such a long break but there is a price to pay upon returning. As you can imagine, the work is piled sky high. There are tons of emergencies that should have been handled yesterday demanding attention. I arrived home exausted and turned around to go with DH to the nephrologist. His kidneys are still holding steady. The doc ordered a urinalysis to check for bladder or kidney infection because of his frequent and violent chills.

After that, we had salads for dinner and I got a call from my sister that my Mom is back at U of Pennsylvania hospital. She will have a heart catheterization tomorrow. We were on our way to a sleep study for DH who may also have sleep apnea. His cell phone rang. It was his sister telling us that Beth had been in and out of my mother in laws house all day and that the caregiver was missing a ring. D"H said that we will tell her she can not go in there anymore unless we are with her.

I called my sister in law and said that I am not willing to confront Beth today. A dear young friend of hers died in a car accident. I said that she may well have stolen the ring. But I will not confront her on the very day she is burrying a friend on the off chance that we are wrong. I told the story of how I once raised hell with her and searched her things for 300 dollars that I was missing. I had put that money in my jewelery box which I remembered when I found it. She is very capable of stealing in her addiction but she looks like she is trying to me and I do not want to kick her while she is down.

Beth called me last night to tell me she would attend the funeral. We talked about her plans for getting support during and after the service to come out of the predictable funk. I called my husband to tell him that I had talked to his sister and that we would deal with this issue in a few days. His sister had already called him back. It seems the caregiver found her ring.

Sigh......... I know that the suspicion was earned but I am so glad I decided to wait and that the ring was found.

Another Friend Dies

2010-08-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Beth called last night to report that one of her friends died in a car accident. He was a bright and hard working boy. He drank. This time he was drinking and driving alone. He crashed his car all alone. She is very upset.

My husband went over there to watch a movie with her. She was crying about this boy and also very emotional over the pictures that my mother gave her from her childhood. I talked to her for awhile and then told her to call me again if she needs to. I think it is good that she is reaching out to me and her father in her distress instead of drugs. I think she has a tremendously difficult time feeling her intense emotions and that is a big part of her issues.

DH seems to be able to be more compasionate towards her when she is not under his roof. So can I actually. She is close. Only a few blocks away but we get a lot more serenity this way. I was never a mother who tried to be her friend. I did not believe in that. I thought that I had to teach her responsibility and dicipline. I showed a lot of love but I in no way treated her as a peer. Maybe that was wrong.

Well, now that I have utterly failed that way, I am trying to be a friend to her. She definatly needs a sober friend. /She is calling me for emotional soothing, for listening to her not for drug money. I think this is some kind of progress.

It's Three O'clock in the morning and I my fears loom large

2010-08-18T13:08:00.000-07:00

For the second night in a row I woke up crying around 3 in the morning. My fears and trepidations seem to magnify at that time of the night. I am afraid for my husband's health. He has had laser eye surgery and 3 eye bleeds in the past month. He has also had a dangerously infected wound on his foot and severe pain from herniated disks in his back.

He hobbles around here in severe pain and takes several naps a day. The latest is that he has some sort of undetermined infection which is causing violent chills and fever that come and go. His kidneys are at about 35 to 40 percent capacity. The chronic kidney disease was caused by out of control blood sugars. He is seeing on average 2 to 3 doctors per week. I do not know how he keeps on working. He is in real estate which is excruciatingly slow right now so that is part of why he can continue.

He has made many improvements lately. The sugar is under control as is the blood pressure. He exercises regularly and has begun to loose weight. None of that mattered last night. I just felt overwrought so I cried and cried alone in the family room at three in the morning.

Oh, and to sweeten the deal my doctor has me doing tests to see what is wrong with my liver. My liver! I never drank more than 3 drinks per week, usually not that much. I never did drugs or even took more than a perscription or two at a time.

Well, things improved a little in the morning. I talked this situation over with my parents and children. I am considering getting back on my antidepressant which I recently weaned off of. It helped me a lot and now I am up in the middle of the night worrying about things I cannot control, crying off and on throughout the day over little things. I was doing fine until these health problems accumulated.

I know that I have to take it easy and apply the same skills I have learned to deal with addiction to the chonic diseases. It just seems so unfair but then life just gets tougher as we age. I am only 54 and my husband 56. I am not ready either loose him or see him decline so rapidly. We are working together finally to reverse this situation. The blessing is that after more than 30 years together I still can not imagine my life without him. I really do believe that his situation will improve but last night reason lost and the fears won. A battle lost does not mean a war lost.

Let this be a warning to any of you that might be trifling with diabetes. It is not unusual for everything to be fine, you feel fine, you look fine and then one day every major system takes a major hit. That is where he is and because I love him that is where I am too.

Ghostly Girl

2010-08-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

I saw a friend of Beth,s street walking today. It made me very very sad with a soul gripping grief that I could not shake all day. I thought about stopping the car and talking to her. What is a beautiful and sweet girl like you doing here? W hat can I do to help? What have you tried to get out of this? I was afraid to do it. I was too exhausted by my own life to do it but I felt a certain guilt in just passing her by. I do not know her parents or even her last name but she said her mom was a teacher and that she went to catholic school.

Beth said that they were not seeing each other anymore as this girl was shooting heroine. Now I see her walking down a street that is a known drug zone....... circling around...... walking very slow in her short shorts and looking very very dazed. This ghostly girl has haunted me all day.

It could be Beth but it is not. Yet, they were recently friends and it disturbs me. I have told none of my family or real world friends what is unnerving me but now you know. How many more beautiful and loved young people will we loose to this plague. God help us all.

Unexpected Ally

2010-08-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

Twice this week we needed help and it came from an unexpected source. Beth helped us out twice. The first time was last Saturday. We have a beach house that we rent out on a weekly basis. The cleaning service never showed and we had upset tenants on our hands. DH and I had to go clean but DH could hardly walk. He called Beth and she agreed to come and help us. She worked diligently and seemed happy to have been able to come to the rescue.

She also came over today. I was out and DH called saying he was sick with violent chills again. I called Beth who was with a friend. They went right over and sat with him until I got home. She then proceeded to take her trophys out of the basement. She wants to put them on a shelf in her apartment. I think it is good that she is remembering what it felt like to be thanked and praised for accomplishments and contributions. This was the norm in her life before the trauma, mental illness and addiction.

She also told me that she has been having a lot of panic attacks lately. ( It might be because she is off the prozak.) I asked if she told the Doctor and she said no. She is also starting to obsess about a car again. Lots of days she does not feel good enough to look for one. Her knee has been hurting a lot lately. When she feels good enough to get out and look she just wants to get the first thing she sees. Sigh like cars with more than 200,000 miles on them.

I am not thrilled about her getting a car but it is her money and a reasonable request. She really can not walk any distance without pain and for a woman it is particularly dangerous to get around without a car. On the other hand we all know the easier access to drugs and the other dangers of a car. We are looking for a honda or toyota with current inspection sticker and a price below 4000.00. Any other suggestions?

Update

2010-08-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

What was your worst vacation experience with the addict? Our worst was a few years ago when we had bought tickets to visit my Aunt in Florida. We were looking forward to a winter break for just hubby and me. My aunt is a wonderful hostess and was looking forward to pampering us.

Beth tried to kill herself by taking all her psych meds after cutting up her arms. This all was a result of a fight with the boyfriend who found out that she was using cocaine again. She was admitted to the psych ward and stayed there for a few days. We cancelled to be with her. We told the whole sad story to my aunt who cried and cried.

She has been hospitalized 4 times after attempting suicide. She was in a coma after the most serious attempt. She has made verbal references to another attempt from time to time but no actions in the last two years. This is also an experience which backs me up from a tough love stance. Dealing with a person that you know is capable of taking there own life or at least putting it recklessly on the line in a fit of anger or depression changes a mother's response. Once she did this because she had relapsed and would rather die. The other times involved rejection from a failed romance. She never really acted because of the boundaries that I set and kept. I often feared that response and did what I thought had to be done anyway. I thank God that she is still alive. Where there is life there is hope!

Great Vacation

2010-08-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

I got back from Panama on Monday during the wee hours of the morning. It was a great break and the first time in the last 4 years that the vacation was not canceled or sorely interrupted by the antics of the addict.

I went with a tour group called Caravan. A girlfriend and I traveled together. Her husband does not travel and mine can not travel in the summer as this is his busy season. It was wonderful not to have to make any decisions all the while being entertained and pampered. Panama is very warm and very welcoming to Americans. Panama City is very modern and safe with all the infrastructure that American are used to. It is ok to drink the water and eat the food freely which we certainly did. We toured the canal, the mountain highlands and the pacific shore areas. We saw beautiful scenery and adorable little monkeys about the size of squirrels.

I am just starting to get caught up on my normal life. Beth came over today to do her laundry. She is taking some pride in her apartment. She keeps it clean and is having some fun decorating it. She has a job interview tomorrow. This has not happened in a long time. She remains off her antidepressant which seems to be stopping her mania but increases her depression. She had a panic attack yesterday while trying to arrange car insurance. Well, it was very frustrating. She called 7 or 8 companies looking for a special program that we know exists for people on medicaid in our state. No one could help her but they were all willing to sell her something she could not afford. I found the dollar a day program the next day. It took 3 hours and all my dealing with bullshit skills to accomplish it.

Her ssi disability settlement is covering her rent, food and medical. I am paying the electric bill. She will get her gas and spending money by working when she can. She has been doing yard work here and there and clipping dogs when she can. There were no lists open for low income apartments or section 8. Not just no apartments available but no lists open to be on a waiting list. These places charge one third of a persons income. That would make her independent. She was grateful to have any roof over her head. She did not balk at the low income places.

I am much less crazy knowing that she has a roof over her head and where to find her. As you know, she was homeless for the better part of the last 4 years. She went to and finished multiple rehabs. She continued to relapse. She was attacked several times while on the street. She just kept getting crazier and crazier. She was in and out of several mental institutions. She almost died several times and kept taking herself back to rehab. At one point she was gone for 6 weeks and we thought she was dead. We were calling morgues and jails and police departments. That is what changed my mind about the tough love. I thought, what if she was doing the best she can and I never even find her body? At this point, she has some days where she seems perfectly normal. She says she is clean. I bet she is not totally clean but has cut back some. She does not seem to be doing heroine at all. I think she is drinking more and doing pot more. She now has working friends as opposed to addict friends. She knows we love her and support her recovery. All is not well but i told you that I would tell the truth. It is a whole lot better than it was before for the family. We can sleep at night and have some enjoyment in life. It is better for her to have a place where she is safe from being victimized on the street. At this point, I have no regrets for helping her get her SSI. It only cost me time.

Good Day!

2010-07-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Beth was approved for the Apartment today. She also had good news at the gynocologist. I went with her. Her biopsy showed that her cervix is curing itself. She had abnormal cells but they were not cancerous. Thank God . Praise the Lord and thank you all for your prayers! It is very important that she keep her appts. every 6 months but other than that she is fine.

She called me 30 minutes before her appointment to tell me that she was rescheduling. Her boyfriend's dog had escaped and they were chasing it. I said absolutely not. You must keep this appt. as further action in a timely fashion might be necessary.

She met me there and did not seem high or out of sorts so go figure. Probably just getting cold feet. I am the opposite. I do not want to hide or postpone. I want to hear the news so that I know what I am dealing with. Fear has always upset me worse than reality.

I am going on vacation tomorrow so I will probably not post for a couple of weeks unless they have more computer access than I anticipate in Panama. I am going with a girlfriend on a guided tour. Hubby stays here to mind his store and whatever issues may arise. We travel together in the winter but summer is his busy season so I make it a point to do my third world wanderings during the summer.

Take care,

Anna

Question: Can We Help or Hurt Another's Illness? A: Sort of

2010-07-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I had an active two year old daughter and a one year old son. I was 7 months pregnant with the third child when I got deathly ill. They think it was pneumonia. After seven days, I was worse instead of better and started to get dramatic. I had high fevers and chills so bad they made my whole body ache which scared me. I started to fear for my life. I did not have the strength to walk around. I stayed in bed except for going to the bathroom.

The doctor gave me antibiotics but did not want to send me to the hospital for fear of more infections. My husband said that we would take all measures to save me over the baby. He loved the baby but had no qualms about putting my life first. ( I was not very clear about that at the time. I was afraid I would have to make a decision and told him so.) I asked my mother to stay with me while my husband worked during the day as he was a sole practitioner and had to work or not make payroll. She said that she had to go with my father on a trip to Washington because she had to keep an eye on him so he would not philander . My father said that I was a married woman and a grown up. I had a husband to take care of me and the option to go to the hospital. He told my Mom to come with him that I was no longer a child. ( My parents were natural alanoners. They believed in extreme self-reliance for their kids, although they have mellowed some with age.) My mother left me. I was sicker than I have ever been. I had two toddlers and was 7 months pregnant. I feared for my life and she knew it but told me to not be so dramatic.

My mother in law Elsie was 70 at that time. She came to my house and took over. She made me take cold baths when my fever got over 103. She said that would protect the baby. She made me drink juice and brought me food on trays. She had me on a schedule...... liquids every hour and some kind of snack or food every three hours. She took care of the toddlers. She fed them and my husband. She used all of her nursing skills on me and I was grateful.

One day, she came into talk to me and she said that she thought I was worrying and it was interfering with my getting better.

She said tell me what is bothering you honey. I told her that my mother abandoned me while I was sick. I said that it hurt me and that it made me mad. She hugged me and said I know, I know honey. My mom wasn't any prize either. She never cared much about me. By the time I came around she was tired. But, Anna, you have to think about who does love and care for you. You have to let this go so that you can get better. I will take care of you and my son loves you. These children need you so think about that. Have a good cry and then let it go.

I did what she told me and I started getting better. Did Elsie make me better? Sort of. Did my mother make me worse? I think that Elsie supported my health while my mother did not.

For many years, I did not forgive my mother. Now, I do. In fact, I now see that she wanted to stay but my father wanted her to go. Why do we hold our mother's more responsible than our fathers? Well, that is a post for another day.

I think I will go and see Elsie now. I have been neglecting her lately in favor of Beth.

Working With Beth

2010-07-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Beth came to work with me. There was really no one there except us. She was a big help once she stopped crying which she did for the first hour. Apparently she has had a falling out with her only girlfriend. Beth was distraught as Jenna told her she does not want her to call or come over. She does not want Beth in her baby's life.

I imagine this pertains to Beth's recent relapse or some other drug related escapade. I lost it when she said she was going to move back to Florida. The idea that this girl abandons her so there is nothing else here worth staying for really hurt me and made me angry. I said and what are we just chopped liver? I did not say this at first. At first I sympathized but after about 40 minutes my patience wore thin.

Probably, I just should not have been a mother. I do not have the patience necessary to deal with Beth. She needs more patience and compassion than I have. I want to have more but there it is. At first, i did feel very sorry for her. Then, I realized that something major had to have happened and it most likely pertains to drugs. Oh maybe not crack or heroine but probably booze and marijuana.

There was some sort of altercation between the two boyfriends but that stuff is a secret. Then I offered to take her home but she said she would settle down. She settled quite well and really concentrated. Her organizational and clerical skills were very sharp. It was rather amazing to see this switch.

Then she went out to smoke a cigarette and came back in with small pupils which is a sign of heroine and also with her eyelids sort of drooping. I mentioned what I saw and she started to cry again. I apologized as in my way of thinking if she was shooting heroine she would not have given a shit and would not be crying. She pointed out that pupils also constrict due to light and she was in the bright sunshine. I said well I can be a real bitch and she said yeah, I know.

Then we worked for three more hours at highly detailed, convoluted charts and statistics. She really helped. I said that she has a talent for this kind of work. She said she likes it more than yard work. I said, I remember how she was an amazing help at only 11 years old when she helped me with the copies and organizing charts for my thesis. I told her that I expect her to recover and that seeing that she can do real work is a step towards improvement.

I was worried about paying her. I gave the money to her boyfriend and told him that I wanted reciepts. I told her if this ended badly I would not give her cash again. I offered to make application at an apartment complex that is month to month instead of a year lease. She said no she is not going to Florida. I told her that I would hold the lump sum back in case she broke the lease because I will not personally pay for her to break it so think about doing the month to month. I also told her that I will not send her to Florida without food and shelter set up for her .

Then, I went out to dinner with my husband. I felt exhausted and kept staring into space. I know that this is overwhelming me and I need to shorten my interactions with her but there is so much to do to set this all up. No one will help but me. They say that she depletes them.

I am thinking that I will put a max of three hours of contact in a row with her in the future. Not that I will tell her that but maybe it will help.

Double Wammy or was it Triple?

2010-07-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

I went in to work today to review test data , make decisions on student placement and file an appeal if necessary. The data was incredibly controverted. It was presented in numerous charts which covered my whole desk. Did I mention that my office had been cleaned but everything was out of order because the cleaning crew did not put it back the way it belonged?

I lost track of the time while trying to figure out how to condense and display so many variables in a way that made sense. My hypoglycemia kicked in because I had not eaten on time. At the same time I felt pressure in my chest from indigestion. On the way to the local convenience store, I started to think about how my Mom and sister had heart attacks before they were my age and scared myself. I was also thinking about all of Beth's medical problems and got overwhelmed. I started to cry and made the mistake of calling my husband. He got my father and came to get me so that I would not drive. They wanted me to go to the hospital. I felt pretty foolish because by then, I had eaten and felt a lot better.

Oh well, it is nice to know that they would come to the rescue. Anyway, we did go to our doctor's office. He ran an electrocardiogram and took my blood pressure. Both were fine. I did turn out to have infections in both ears and a mild case of acid reflux. He ordered a stress test and some other tests that I should have had done anyway. I plan to take it easy tomorrow and the next day then attack those statistics again on Friday.

Yesterday was up so today had to be down.

2010-07-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Beth arrived at 10:00 am and we spent the day looking for a rental. She had not slept well at the boyfriends house and she was very tired. We looked at so many places including subsidized rental apartments which in reality did not exist. The waiting lists were many months long or closed. These places were very dangerous anyhow with drugs in your face all the time.

She got very stressed out thinking about how to make ends meet on her allotment. It is not really possible so the plan is to work out some sort of situation where she pays a certain amount and we supplement it. We replied to 20 adds for rooms for rent but no one replied. The sources were craig's list, roomster and roomates.com. They will not take her on what she recieves for SSI as it never does cover the rent. I will have to co-sign or so they say.

At the end of the day there was really only one real possibility. 640 plus utilities per month on a month to month basis. Ugh

Perfectly Normal

2010-07-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

When Beth and DH came home from the movies they said they had a great time. Beth was cracking jokes and ate a little dinner with us. Anyone in this world would have thought her a perfectly normal 24 year old tonight.

On the 22 we will find out if her cervical dysplasia has progressed to cervical cancer. Apparently this is a very very slow moving type........ worse case scenario hysterectomy. The fact remains that she did not do her 3 month check ups even though I asked and she told me she did. She told me tonight that she might just have a hysterectomy instead of freezing and having it come back over and over. I encouraged her to take one day at a time. Maybe it will not show cancer. Maybe the proceedure she already have will be enough. Maybe one freeze will be enough. We just have to wait and see. Possibly get second opinion.

She is supposed to come by tomorrow at 11 so that we can look for a rental. Some sort of location stability would certainly be an improvement at this time! How can she be so crazy one day and so perfectly normal on another? I guess now that we are not living with her, we will see more of the pulled together Beth. I hope so and I sure do pray that she starts making more progress.

Visit From Beth

2010-07-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

We had a visit from Beth. She was swimming at the neighbors and then came over here for awhile. She does not have a key so she had to knock. It seems the boyfriend's mother wants her out of the house when her son is working. Sooooo, she spent the other day at the Mall.

Her plan A for a place to stay did not work out. Her plan B which I liked a little better seems to be evaporating. It looks like she will be homeless again soon. She wanted to know if she can stay here while the boyfriend is working. I said that would be too much like living here. She needs to find a place where she can stay. There were a bunch of possibilities on Craig's list but she rejected them all as too far away.

I gave her the name and address for a drop in center run for consumers of mental health services for other consumers. She can go there during the day. She can also visit her elderly grandmother next door.

I did tell her that I would front the money from her SSI to get her started. I offered to help her look tomorrow. She said she would call me tonight. She mowed the grass for her father. He then took her to buy cigarettes and to see a science fiction movie.

I really wish that she was settled. Do you think I was right or wrong for not letting her hang out here in the daytime while John works?

Notes on Boundaries

2010-07-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

I just came home from what DH refers to as my druggie meetings otherwise known as alanon. The topic was boundaries. People shared about how they set boundaries. There were a few points that I want to remember so I am going to jot them down here.

1. We always have choices. The addicts have choices but so do we.
2. When we feel resentment it is time to set a limit.
3. When we fear for our own well being either emotionally or physically it is time to set a boundary. We are not meant to live in fear.
4. Boundaries should also be about what we want to experience. For example: in order to have peace and serenity I need...........................

5. If we allow unacceptable behavior in a loved one it is just like setting the replay button. The behavior will happen again.

6. We can ask ourselves if what we are be asked to do is for someone's convenience or is it actually a need.

7. If objects or insults are being hurled I will go somewhere else. Preferably, the person hurling the insults or objects will remove themselves.

8. Violence is unacceptable.

9. Living in fear is unacceptable.

10. I am a complete and separate human being on my own. I am not joined at the hip with the addict.

Thanks to all my alanon friends for sharing from their strength and hope.