Call From Oh So Distant Son

My son called about 5 pm on Christmas. It was good to hear his voice and wish him Merry Christmas. He is finally working full time in security! It seems that when his parents moved to FL the  employer finally took him seriously as a young man paying his own way.


We said we loved each other and he started backing away from the stance that he will never ever visit Fl. He said that he will visit in the summer when he can put some vacation time together. Baby steps to an adult relationship is what we hope for. DS has severe learning disabilities. He thinks in black and white and has no recollection of his childhood due to a brain injury incurred in the 7th grade.

I think it must be harder for him to feel close to us when he can not remember the sweeter times of his younger years.  I plan to start sending him some cards with pictures from those times. maybe one picture with a paragraph attached at a time.

I hope to take it easy till New Years. I am on antibiotics with a serious sinus infection. Thank God and science for antibiotics.

Christmas Day 2013

Not your Hallmark Christmas!  We celebrated Xmas eve with the new neighbors, my daughter and her fiancé, my father and his girlfriend and my recently divorced brother in law. It was almost 80 degrees here but I had the air on freezing to counteract the brownies and lasagna that were in the oven. The food was delicious and the conversation flowed smoothly. We focused on the good although each one at the table could have shared their own heartache or two. After dinner, we sang and people lingered for about 5 hours.

This morning before opening gifts Our addicted daughter called on the phone she said was stolen. She was not asking for money. She just cried and cried and said she missed us. My husband and I said the same to her. We know and she knows that we know that she is using because she has been attempting to scam the NJ relatives for money.


I called my son who sometimes returns my calls with texts promising to call me later. After 8 years of no progress with her addiction or his job prospects we moved to Fl to the active living community's that we always planned for. For better or worse, we stopped trying to change the young ones and went on with our lives. We are very active, much healthier than before but still ache for what could have,should have would have been. My son is 27 and very angry. My daughter Beth regrets her addictive choices but continues to make them. My son  claims to love me but he just does not want to talk to me. He only came around once a month for 5 minutes to collect the mail so how could we build a life around that? We offer to,fly him in to visit but he keeps his distance. I do not know how many more times I will call the answering machine.

Most days I keep busy and surround myself with the family that is still I'm tact. I am greatful for them. My younger daughter just got into grad school, got engaged and has a full time job. I have sisters and friendships that have lasted over 40 years. I have new friends and new activities plus the warm warm sunshine that eases our physical pain.

This morning was rough as I hears the raw anguish in Beth's voice. She misses us and we both wish that would be enough to change the un changeable.  Only a miracle could change that which our best efforts have only made worse. So I pray that God forgives our parental sins and heals our broken family. I need a miracle here so that is what I ask for.

Still in Methadone Program

I heard from Beth today.  Apparentlynshe kept trying to leave messages on my phone and it would not let her. She was worried that she did not hear from us. My sister also called to tell me that she took Beth to the methadone clinic At 5 in the morning on Saturday.


Methadone, like suboxone has high success rates. The  rates are much higher than abstinence based programs. Do I like the idea of her being addicted to methadone?  At this point I would welcome any progress.

I plan to call her on Thursday.

Methadone Clinic

Beth started at a methadone clinic on Monday. I pray that she will find some stabelization. At this point if she could just stay out of legal and moral trouble it woud be a tremendouns victory.
They are charging 50 dollars per week and do not accept any insurance. Tomorrow, I will find out how to make arrangements to pay them by talking to the folks at the clinic myself.


I moved out of state on Thursday and the following Monday she began at the new clinic. She told me that it really scared her that  I would not be nearby in case of an emergency. Beth being afraid of anything is a major step forward. Even right after being dragged into  a vacant lot where she fought off her attacker with a rock, she was not afraid.

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. Tomorrow I will call them to work out the details and check on the accuracy of what Beth told me.

She Has Some Goals

Beth and I almost had a normal afternoon. Then on the way back from her Ob appointment she announced that she and G. have some goals. They want to rent a house,buy a car, get jobs and have a baby.

My first inclination was to scream but I said what do you think you would need to do to make that happen?  She said, I would need to be clean and that is why I am looking for a methadone clinic. My response was that a baby needs a drug free home and that the state would take away the baby if she was using. She said they knew that and were giving themselves a year to stabelize.

You do not have to tell me that this is a terrible idea.   It is not something that I would encourage yet it does seem like a normal desire. I hope that she will actually make some progress getting clean if she starts to value a normal life as opposed to the party lifestyle. She has reconnected with a childhood friend that managed to get clean and has a family now so maybe that is where this comes from.

Beth assured me that she would never get pregnant while using. Up to the present she has taken extraordinary. Precautions including an IUD. I was actually relieved that she did not want to bring children into her sad life. I was afraid to push her into defying me by objecting strenuously to her idea of having a baby 2 years from now.  Basically I just said that she had identified the steps to work towards her goal. Now is the time to concentrate on getting clean so that she can have a normal life. I hope I did the right thing. It is hard to know as I am not sure she will ever be stable enough.

Dear God, please help her lift herself out of the prison she is in.  Let her be happy with the life she can manage and please do not let her bring more harm to an innocent child.  

Supermarket Trip and Missing Money

I took Beth to the supermarket today. She looked almost normal. She has gained a little weight and her rash is about 90 per cent better. She was calm without being lethargic and she felt like my daughter for a few good minutes.

We shopped at the local Aldi's but we were not together. She took her own cart and stayed way ahead of me. I had my purse with me the entire time and most especially while I was near Beth. When we got a little way down the road I realized that 200 dollars had gone missing.

The most logical explanation when your with an addict and money disappears is to assume they stole it. I did not blame her or search her as I am so  hypervigilant with her that I do not see how she could have taken it. I think that when I took out the 100 to pay my bill, the other two must have stuck to it. We went back to the store to no avail.

I also have a couple of bad memories associated with stealing. There are the times when I knew for a fact that Beth stole from me or someone else. Then there are the three notable times that she was accused of stealing but was later exonerated. The first time, I was missing money and I made her empty her pockets and purse. She screamed and cried, threw herself all over the place and then I found my money elsewhere.

The next, was the time when my sister in law called to say that the home health aid was missing a very valuable ring just after Beth's visit. That ring turned up in the health care provider's bathroom on the counter near the sink. The worst time was when the people that she had been living with for 3 months who were bound and determined to help her get sober found out that their stereo equipment was gone. They blamed Beth and kicked her out but in the end it was there own son who took it.

Well, if you do bad things then when bad things happen you get blamed. Sometimes you get blamed for stuff you did not do. That being said, I did not want one of her last memories of me before moving to Florida to be of me falsely accusing her.

Peace and Love

 

Suboxone Request

I got a call from Beth today looking for a ride and help paying for a new suboxone Dr. I had high hopes for her 2 or three years ago when she started on suboxone. I paid the very high office visits for over a year. I had heard of a number of people who kicked the heroine habit with suboxone.

No, I would not be heart broken if she had to take suboxone forever. Many people can hold down jobs and be responsible family members while taking suboxone. It would be a far far better life for her. Beth was clean for six weeks when she started the suboxone. In fact, to a large extent it seemed to help her stay away from heroine. But then she started selling the suboxone to get more crack. At some point I stopped paying the suboxone Dr. because I did not want to be a party to Beth selling it etc etc.

From time to time Beth goes back to the suboxone Dr. and seems to better for a month or two before she starts to miss appointments. I know that she has been upset several times when Dr. E has cancelled on her but she is not good now. I can tell that she is strung out on some kind of major simulant maybe crack or meth. My guess is that the good Dr. E can not bring herself to see Beth and face the confrontation so she cancels.

Anyhow, the bottom line was that Beth wanted me to take her today or tomorrow to a new Dr. that would charge 205 for the visit and 105 for the subsequent visits. Beth does not have that kind of money and the other Dr. would treat her for just her insurance if Beth would only comply.

I told Beth that she would have to go to a clinic and arrange her own transportation. She has amazing transportation benefits so this part is really not too dificult for her. I told her where a clinic is that I think would treat her. My reply seems logical to me as I do think that she is into abusing this now, not really using the suboxone but abusing it and the Dr. God help me if I am wrong as I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I fear what comes next because without the suboxone her behavior will get more desperate. I have discussed this with my husband and sister. They think that my response was right. I have the strength to put up these boundaries but I do not have the strength not to second guess myself.

I would pay for the suboxone treatment if Beth was giving clean urine samples twice a week. She knows that I can be persuaded by that but that has not yet been suggested.