Beth's suboxone Dr. who is a neurodevelopmental specialist surprised me. She said that if Beth started using again then she the Dr. must have done something wrong in treating the underlying bipolar disorder and or ptsd. Wow, that was a shock. The Dr. really does not see this using as free choice. She sees it as triggered by some part of her mental illness that is not adequately treated.
I shared with her that Beth rarely sleeps and is plauged by anxiety. She wrote a perscription for clonoprin which I am holding for Beth. I am to give her one pill a day to help her sleep at night. I asked Beth what she was willing to do for herself so that she could sleep better. She said that she would drink less caffeine. (Not quite the response I hoped for but I let it go. How about exercise, sleeping in bed instead of the couch and doing something productive during the day?).
Rose is a heroine addict who got absolutely clean using suboxone and xanax for anxiety held my her mom. Kelsey is a cocaine addict/ schizoaffective disorder patient who is close to clean. This one goes on a cocaine bender 2 to 3 times per year. The rest of the time she is up and down in her mental illness but does not use drugs that are not perscribed. These are people that I know and I know that the stories are true.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Suboxone Treatment
I was advised that at the levels my daughter was using heroine that she should be observed taking her suboxone for the first few weeks. I watch her take one dose. Her friend watches her take one at noon and she takes her own dose in the middle of the night. Overall she looks pretty good and is trying to keep busy.
Without my alanon experiences I would have insisted that she stay here so I could see the 2 am dose. Or I would have called or who knows what. I was very upset on her third day when I saw her looking very groggy. That is when I called Tom from recovery helpdesk. He said that an observed dose is typical at this stage and that she might even be still using some but that it is likely to resolve if she has the dicipline to keep up the suboxone. ( Well, that is quite a concept!) Actually I have a girlfriend from rehab that told me her daughter tried suboxone several times but that she finally got off heroine when she was willing to come home and have her Mom give her all her doses. I give her exactly the right amount each day. So, she could be diverting one dose but not all three. I will tell you how it goes.
Also, she had cut back from 10 bags of heroine per day to 5 before doing the detox. I saw her during the detox and she looked pretty bad like she had a bad flu. She threw up some. Her muscles and bones hurt all over. She also was taking 50 mg of xanax every 4 hours to keep from screaming into the night. She procured those xanax on her own. The Dr. did not perscribe them. Incidentally, although I was certainly leary about this, I do know that they give the addicts xanax and a lot more when they detox at a medical facility. She knows it too as she has done it about 8 times.
I went to an alanon meeting tonight. I have not been there in several months and the meeting has gotten much smaller. I wonder what happened. It has been a great meeting for the last 5 years. tYou may wonder how I go along with suboxone and alanon. Well, modern alanon and aa is supposed to allow any drugs taken as perscribed by a Dr. That being said, I have tried the tough love approach and the AA approach and the alanon approach each for long periods of time and got no more than 6 weeks of sobriety. This latest harm reduction, keep my detachment with love but assist in recover as much as I can approach has yielded 9 months clean with a recent relapse.
I do not kid myself though. She stopped herself but she was just lucky not to be arrested. I hope that she did not share needles or put her health at risk in other ways but she probably does not even know all that she did. I actually wanted her to go on methadone or preferably a rehab followed by methadone.The longest periods of sobriety that I have seen in heroine addicts have come from methodone or total aa dedication. Her bipolar disorder does not lend itself to group sharing and participation. That is a fact.
I am not advocating this path but people should know that it exists and many have found sobriety or a law abiding relatively productive life in this way. At this point, I would be very happy with a safe, law abiding, relatively productive life for my daughter.
Without my alanon experiences I would have insisted that she stay here so I could see the 2 am dose. Or I would have called or who knows what. I was very upset on her third day when I saw her looking very groggy. That is when I called Tom from recovery helpdesk. He said that an observed dose is typical at this stage and that she might even be still using some but that it is likely to resolve if she has the dicipline to keep up the suboxone. ( Well, that is quite a concept!) Actually I have a girlfriend from rehab that told me her daughter tried suboxone several times but that she finally got off heroine when she was willing to come home and have her Mom give her all her doses. I give her exactly the right amount each day. So, she could be diverting one dose but not all three. I will tell you how it goes.
Also, she had cut back from 10 bags of heroine per day to 5 before doing the detox. I saw her during the detox and she looked pretty bad like she had a bad flu. She threw up some. Her muscles and bones hurt all over. She also was taking 50 mg of xanax every 4 hours to keep from screaming into the night. She procured those xanax on her own. The Dr. did not perscribe them. Incidentally, although I was certainly leary about this, I do know that they give the addicts xanax and a lot more when they detox at a medical facility. She knows it too as she has done it about 8 times.
I went to an alanon meeting tonight. I have not been there in several months and the meeting has gotten much smaller. I wonder what happened. It has been a great meeting for the last 5 years. tYou may wonder how I go along with suboxone and alanon. Well, modern alanon and aa is supposed to allow any drugs taken as perscribed by a Dr. That being said, I have tried the tough love approach and the AA approach and the alanon approach each for long periods of time and got no more than 6 weeks of sobriety. This latest harm reduction, keep my detachment with love but assist in recover as much as I can approach has yielded 9 months clean with a recent relapse.
I do not kid myself though. She stopped herself but she was just lucky not to be arrested. I hope that she did not share needles or put her health at risk in other ways but she probably does not even know all that she did. I actually wanted her to go on methadone or preferably a rehab followed by methadone.The longest periods of sobriety that I have seen in heroine addicts have come from methodone or total aa dedication. Her bipolar disorder does not lend itself to group sharing and participation. That is a fact.
I am not advocating this path but people should know that it exists and many have found sobriety or a law abiding relatively productive life in this way. At this point, I would be very happy with a safe, law abiding, relatively productive life for my daughter.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Death Leads to Relapse
Beth was using again. She called me at work last Tuesday to tell me. That was less than two weeks since my mother's death. She arranged to start taking suboxone again. The Dr. wanted her hospitalized to detox prior to the suboxone as she did not think that Beth could hold out the necessary 48 hours prior to suboxone induction without using heroine.
There is no detox within 100 miles of us. She would not go to Florida and decided to ride it out on her own. I offered to sit with her or bring her to my house. She stayed with a friend in town close to a drug area. She threw up, she ached all over, she looked horrible but she stuck it out. She says that she was clean for 9 months but started to use again to cope with the sleeplessness and anxiety that she experienced surrounding her grandmothers death. The last time she went on a major bender and we though she was dead was right after my father in law died.
Her neck and hands were full of needle marks. It made me feel all nautious and shaky. This reminds me of a story I heard long ago. A friend told me that her sister was married to a recovering cocaine addict. He had not used in years but when their baby got sick and almost died he dissappeared on a cocaine bender. They can not handle the stress and that means that we can predict that when we are at our lowest they will also be in crisis.
I knew she was not handling it well. She was very tearful. She could not sleep. She worried about her grandmother being in pain. I told her that I needed her to be ok so that I could go and take care of my mom. Beth said she was ok but she was not. It seems as though she started to settle down after the death. That is when she finally quit worrying about it and accepted it.
There is no detox within 100 miles of us. She would not go to Florida and decided to ride it out on her own. I offered to sit with her or bring her to my house. She stayed with a friend in town close to a drug area. She threw up, she ached all over, she looked horrible but she stuck it out. She says that she was clean for 9 months but started to use again to cope with the sleeplessness and anxiety that she experienced surrounding her grandmothers death. The last time she went on a major bender and we though she was dead was right after my father in law died.
Her neck and hands were full of needle marks. It made me feel all nautious and shaky. This reminds me of a story I heard long ago. A friend told me that her sister was married to a recovering cocaine addict. He had not used in years but when their baby got sick and almost died he dissappeared on a cocaine bender. They can not handle the stress and that means that we can predict that when we are at our lowest they will also be in crisis.
I knew she was not handling it well. She was very tearful. She could not sleep. She worried about her grandmother being in pain. I told her that I needed her to be ok so that I could go and take care of my mom. Beth said she was ok but she was not. It seems as though she started to settle down after the death. That is when she finally quit worrying about it and accepted it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
In The Sweet Bye and Bye
My Mom passed today at around 12:30. Eventhough I knew it was eminent it nearly knocked me off my feet. I felt, dizzy, then nautious, then weak and wracked with sobs. My husband and son were very kind. They put me to bed and lay down with me just patting me for comfort.
My sister and father said that she passed very peacefully. They were sitting by her and she just stopped breathing. They were not even sure that she had passed until the hospice nurse came in to confirm it. It is very sad eventhough I know that there was no more quality of life left for her. I will miss her terribly.
Thanks for all of your prayers and kind words. They meant a lot to me. I will fly back to Florida one last time to spend a few days with my sister and father. It seems so odd not having a service right now. My Dad wants to wait till he brings her ashes back home in the Spring. She had last rights and communion several times before she died. We all said we loved each other and that we will meet again in the sweet bye and bye on the other side. There was no unfinished business.
My sister and father said that she passed very peacefully. They were sitting by her and she just stopped breathing. They were not even sure that she had passed until the hospice nurse came in to confirm it. It is very sad eventhough I know that there was no more quality of life left for her. I will miss her terribly.
Thanks for all of your prayers and kind words. They meant a lot to me. I will fly back to Florida one last time to spend a few days with my sister and father. It seems so odd not having a service right now. My Dad wants to wait till he brings her ashes back home in the Spring. She had last rights and communion several times before she died. We all said we loved each other and that we will meet again in the sweet bye and bye on the other side. There was no unfinished business.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
No Hope, Too Much Hope and Finally Slipping Away
My Dad called and put my sisters on speaker phone. He explained that the Dr. said there was no hope for my mom. He had performed an emergency operation on her groin to remove the blood clot and put in a screen after she was rushed to the hospital in screaming pain. Three time the Dr. removed the clots and three times they formed again. She has clots in both her veins and arteries in both legs. Dad said if they amputate her legs she will only survive a little longer or maybe not at all. Her heart is too weak to withstand a surgery.
After this desparate conversation I tried to get another flight to Florida. It was very hard to fine because of President's day weekend. DH wanted to come with me in spite of his recent foot surgery. I am glad he did as his compassion and sense of humor helped me compose myself time after time.
On Sunday Dr. P told us that Mom had a 80 percent chance of recovery with an amputation of her right leg. We convinced her to do it eventhough she was reluctant. The right leg was going to kill her if it was not amputated. There was no circulation and gangrene was setting in. Dad said he could help her learn to use a prostethis. He did not want her to die. He would take her home and take care of her. He told her the other leg was getting better. She said, no, it is getting worse. In the end, she went with hope and the amputation.
It worked for about one hour. For about one hour she was in less pain and more alert.The Dr's said she was getting better. I flew back home only to find out that the other leg is bad and her kidneys are failing. she was transferred to a hospice center where at this point she is mostly asleep. My sister took family leave until Wed. I will go back when she leaves or sooner if they tell me she is dying that day. I am a wreck. The pain comes and goes in waves. I do not want my Dad to be alone when she dies so I am waiting my turn but I WISH i had stayed. It keeps changing back and forth.
As my husband says, we were so tired, exhuasted and confused that we could hardly put our socks on. Then they come at us with contradictory and constantly changing information expecting us to make life and death decisions. I pray we have done right by her. She is resting comfortably now.
My father is by her side constantly. He has been very devoted. Everyone said there goodbyes. She had no unfinished buisiness. We have all long ago put aside any differences that we had. One good thing she got from having a bad heart for 24 years was that we all treated her well. We always knew that this time might be the last time.
After this desparate conversation I tried to get another flight to Florida. It was very hard to fine because of President's day weekend. DH wanted to come with me in spite of his recent foot surgery. I am glad he did as his compassion and sense of humor helped me compose myself time after time.
On Sunday Dr. P told us that Mom had a 80 percent chance of recovery with an amputation of her right leg. We convinced her to do it eventhough she was reluctant. The right leg was going to kill her if it was not amputated. There was no circulation and gangrene was setting in. Dad said he could help her learn to use a prostethis. He did not want her to die. He would take her home and take care of her. He told her the other leg was getting better. She said, no, it is getting worse. In the end, she went with hope and the amputation.
It worked for about one hour. For about one hour she was in less pain and more alert.The Dr's said she was getting better. I flew back home only to find out that the other leg is bad and her kidneys are failing. she was transferred to a hospice center where at this point she is mostly asleep. My sister took family leave until Wed. I will go back when she leaves or sooner if they tell me she is dying that day. I am a wreck. The pain comes and goes in waves. I do not want my Dad to be alone when she dies so I am waiting my turn but I WISH i had stayed. It keeps changing back and forth.
As my husband says, we were so tired, exhuasted and confused that we could hardly put our socks on. Then they come at us with contradictory and constantly changing information expecting us to make life and death decisions. I pray we have done right by her. She is resting comfortably now.
My father is by her side constantly. He has been very devoted. Everyone said there goodbyes. She had no unfinished buisiness. We have all long ago put aside any differences that we had. One good thing she got from having a bad heart for 24 years was that we all treated her well. We always knew that this time might be the last time.
Friday, February 11, 2011
New AGE
It seems I have entered a new stage in life. My parents are failing as are the parents of my friends. Did I think that this would not happen to me? It was more fun when we were getting married and having babies.
Mom is in a lot of pain. During my visit there they thought it was from sciatica. Now they have found a blood clot. They only looked for a blood clot after a desparate call from my father telling me that she was much worse. I called the hospital administrator, her attending physician, the head nurse, the hospital she transferred from and her general practicioner. Amazingly, they had not communicated about her records and history previously!
Beth has been calling my Dad. That is nice of her. She visited her Nana today and brought her Dad lunch. All this with no requests for money!
I talked to Tom at recovery helpdesk on Wednesday. He gave me some good ideas that I had not thought of. He seems to think that Beth is either not using, has switched to something milder or has cut down greatly given her behavior. For whatever reason, it is the kindest and most considerate behavior she has demonstrated in years. Praise God and praise Beth for that!
There is an entirely different theory of how to deal with drug addiction. It follows the established and mainstream approach which is the norm in Europe. Essentially, they try to establish a connection with the addict to get them into treatment. If they can not get the addict into treatment, they try to keep them alive and as safe as possible until they come to their senses. They have a better success rate than we do in Europe and Canada. Less addicts die. Less get and spread aids and HEP C. There is less crime from addicts trying to get drugs.
This approach includes harm reduction, methadone maintenance treatment, needle exchange and other controversial for us in the USA strategies. Housing first is another one of their initiatives. They think that housing is an inalieable right of a human being. Most of us would agree with this concerning dogs but have trouble with it when it comes to an addict.
I am not saying that I totally agree or that it is for all cases. I am saying that it is worthwhile looking at what they do and why. It is reasoable to balance boundaries with compassion. It is reasonable to help someone who is sick yet we do not want to encourage substance abuse in any way.
Every time I hear of an addict who quits or just makes progress, I am happy for them and their families.
Mom is in a lot of pain. During my visit there they thought it was from sciatica. Now they have found a blood clot. They only looked for a blood clot after a desparate call from my father telling me that she was much worse. I called the hospital administrator, her attending physician, the head nurse, the hospital she transferred from and her general practicioner. Amazingly, they had not communicated about her records and history previously!
Beth has been calling my Dad. That is nice of her. She visited her Nana today and brought her Dad lunch. All this with no requests for money!
I talked to Tom at recovery helpdesk on Wednesday. He gave me some good ideas that I had not thought of. He seems to think that Beth is either not using, has switched to something milder or has cut down greatly given her behavior. For whatever reason, it is the kindest and most considerate behavior she has demonstrated in years. Praise God and praise Beth for that!
There is an entirely different theory of how to deal with drug addiction. It follows the established and mainstream approach which is the norm in Europe. Essentially, they try to establish a connection with the addict to get them into treatment. If they can not get the addict into treatment, they try to keep them alive and as safe as possible until they come to their senses. They have a better success rate than we do in Europe and Canada. Less addicts die. Less get and spread aids and HEP C. There is less crime from addicts trying to get drugs.
This approach includes harm reduction, methadone maintenance treatment, needle exchange and other controversial for us in the USA strategies. Housing first is another one of their initiatives. They think that housing is an inalieable right of a human being. Most of us would agree with this concerning dogs but have trouble with it when it comes to an addict.
I am not saying that I totally agree or that it is for all cases. I am saying that it is worthwhile looking at what they do and why. It is reasoable to balance boundaries with compassion. It is reasonable to help someone who is sick yet we do not want to encourage substance abuse in any way.
Every time I hear of an addict who quits or just makes progress, I am happy for them and their families.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Flying to Florida
Flying to Florida to see my mother on Sat. She is still very weak. Now she has developed sciatica on top of everything else.
Beth was here last week. She brought her dad a sci fi movie for his birthday. She also cooked us a shrimp alfredo dinner and sat to watch the movie with us. She finally got her car back the day before. She sure was happy about that.
Looks like she mostly living with the boyfriend again. She goes back to her apartment a few time a week. She seems happy and they are getting along for now. He quit drinking and looks good. He never did do major drugs. He used to call me up and rat her out when she relapsed. Maybe they will get along better this time. If only they could bring out the best in each other then they would really have something.
Beth was here last week. She brought her dad a sci fi movie for his birthday. She also cooked us a shrimp alfredo dinner and sat to watch the movie with us. She finally got her car back the day before. She sure was happy about that.
Looks like she mostly living with the boyfriend again. She goes back to her apartment a few time a week. She seems happy and they are getting along for now. He quit drinking and looks good. He never did do major drugs. He used to call me up and rat her out when she relapsed. Maybe they will get along better this time. If only they could bring out the best in each other then they would really have something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
