No Contact with Addict

Have any of you ever gone no contact with your addicted loved one?  I have read about it but I do not actually know anyone who has done it for any length of time. Right now I talk to my daughter when she calls me to handle her financial matters. She tells me she is doing fine on suboxone for heroine but is considering aversion therapy for cocaine.

I love her and encourage her when she seems to be seeking encouragement. I pray for her every day but it looks to me like her diseases are way ahead in this struggle to the death.

Once......... when she shocked me beyond my capacity to endure I told her I could forgive her actions if they were in the past but I could not live with them in my life at present. I would not talk to her at that time but my husband did answer when she called. Neither of us gave money or shelter. She got beat up and entered rehab. She stayed as long as the insurance would allow which was 6 weeks and then it all started up again. That was at the same time that my father in law died.

I wonder would it make any difference to her meaning would she actually try to get better if we totally cut her off. My husband who is usually much tougher than me thinks that this would be cruel as she is severely mentally ill and her capacity to judge is diminished. He thinks we should keep her at arms length but do nothing to add to her pain which is real and palpable. I agree that she is mentally ill as well as addicted. It was evident way before she started doing drugs but the drugs make it soooooo much worse.

I do not need to cut her off to control my own suffering.

 I can usually maintain enough distance to manage a fairly normal life. I would only ever consider this in order to help her. Besides, I know that a cut off creates a different type of suffering.  Did I mention that the last time I took a break from talking to her she disappeared for 6 weeks and we were calling morgues looking for her?

Tell me about how close you have come to cutting off the addict completely and how it turned out.

Seven Things About Me

1.  I have been married to the same man for thirty years. Although we did not date until 5 years later, I obsessed about him since the first time we me in high school. He sat in front of me in Spanish class. My nerdy friends did not like him or me associating with him because he was a jock. He was a jock that wrote poetry, had a beautiful voice, wrote songs for me  and became an attorney.

2.  We still love each other.

3.  I treat my dog like a baby and he likes it. He must be wrapped in a blanket and held when he comes in from the cold. His name is Joey.

4. I always loved school.  That includes both being a student or being a teacher. I think that I might have been a teacher in a one room school house in some other life. This explains my collection of books about pioneers and pioneer teachers. When I feel sorry for myself, it is easy to read about their lives and see that mine is much easier.
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5.  I usually read 2 or three books at a time. Some are scholarly, some are best sellers and one is always in Spanish.

6.  I have traveled and lived extensively in South America. I love the land, the music, the language and the people. One of my fantasies is to go there again as a peace corp retired worker.

7. I have several good friends both locally and from far far away that have been in my life for more than 20 years. I do not see them constantly but we can count on each other just like family. It takes me awhile to make new friends but it seems like I do a pretty good job at keeping them.
















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What if the addict never gets better?

Is there anyone out there who can share what you do to cope if your loved ones situation does not get better?  Is there anyone who has learned to build a decent life for themselves in spite of the suffering caused by long term severe addiction and mental illness?


A long time ago, I spoke to a woman at a mental institution that had rejected my daughter because she was an addict. This woman was not the one who rejected her and she shared information with me that could have caused her to loose her job. After about 20 minutes she shared that her son was an alcoholic and had been for 20 years. He was in just about as bad a shape as my daughter.

This woman told me to toughen up. She said that most of the 5 star addicts do not get better and that I would go grey still obsessed with finding a solution to a problem with no solution. She told me to go on with my life and I now believe her but I still need to know just how people do it.

I know that there are millions out there doing it. I also know that even if your loved one has recovered, if they were in desparate straights for a long time you somehow learned how to enjoy some other part of your life or you would not be here now.

One thing that does help me is making a list every day of about 5 things to accomplish. I force myself to get started crossing things off the list and as simple as that seems it helps me tremendously. Hours go by that I do not think about the addiction.

Please share your coping strategies.

Back to Boundaries

     My sister-in-law had another Christmas dinner last night. I told Beth about it at the last minute because she had done so well at the last one and her Aunt was asking about her. The evening started out great. A few missing relatives were at this one who did not make it to the first dinner. Beth looked good but she sat alone with a far away look in her eyes.

      After awhile I noticed that she had served herself a glass of wine. I have never seen my daughter anywhere near drunk and disorderly which is quite amazing given all that has happened in the course of her multiple drug addictions. She got a little more talkative and relaxed but that was all. She helped entertain my nephews baby for a long time which was greatly appreciated by his parents and grandmother.

 As the evening proceeded there were some red flags like when she talked a little too loud and started using profanity with her teenaged cousins. Her uncle admonished her to watch her language and she quickly excused herself. My other daughter was visibly uncomfortable and irritated but I did not know until later that it was because Beth was trying to get her and her boyfriend to bring her refills so it would be less noticeable how much she was drinking.

Beth planned to spend the night at my house because she had a dentist appointment in the morning. She asked her father how he thought the evening went and he said he was pleased to see her spend so much time for the second night in a week involved positively with the family. She got all emotional saying that she was really trying. Then she spent the next 3 hours crying over her dead grandmother and expressing great remorse and shame for the life she has been leading.

It took me quite awhile to realize that she was pretty much enebriated. She talked about how hard it was for her and that it would be so much easier to die but no amount of using seemed to kill her. I said I appreciated that she expressed remorse and the way to make up for it was to step over the line and live a good life from here on in. That was then but this is now should be her motto. She went on and on. At first, it seemed like she was finally seeing the light but then it all changed.  I went from feeling a deep sense of compassion to a desire to escape the misery she was wallowing in. She kept eating and telling me how she was practically anorexic. She looks good not anorexic though she has lost weight. She also let it drop that she left her meds in her apartment. I offered to drive her out there and back but she said no, it would be fine to just do it first thing in the morning.

I did not want to wake up early and drive out to get her meds but I did not want to rock the boat. In the morning she said that she could not get up so I took my walk first with the plan of then taking her to her apt and bringing her back. When the time came, she refused to go and got quite hostile. She said that she had no intention of going back to her place, she just wanted to be left alone or she would just walk to her friends in town. I stated that our agreement was that I would take her in the morning because she needed her meds. In any event it was time for her to go. She screamed at me and stomped around but she went. I dropped her at her friend's house. About one hour later she called like nothing had happened wanting me to drive her to the dentist. I said that it was not ok for her to abuse me in the morning and then ask for favors an hour or so later.

It felt to me like all that drama was designed to make me feel pity for her but as soon as she realized that in spite of all that she could not spend the day on my couch she became hostile. She had left a big mess strewn all around her and a pile of the pajamas I had lent her thrown on top of her Dad's exercise bike. She had urinated on my pajamas, not cleaned it up and not mentioned it. Gross!

Soooo, the Christmas truce is over. I will confine my communications with her to Tuesdays as much as that is possible. The next time she comes to a family affair, I will ask her not to use alcohol at all. If she does, then I will leave quickly. We do not have alcohol at my house when she is there.

It just saddened and amazed me to see how she went from remorse for all the pain she has caused to demanding and surley the next morning then back to sweet and solicitous when she wanted a ride. I did not accomplish much for the rest of the day. I did refrain from discussing it with my husband as I felt that it had dominated my own thoughts for long enough by the time he got home this evening.












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Peaceful Christmas

     Life goes on weather the addict is using or not. Life goes on even if it is the first Christmas without our mothers or friends lost to cancer. Sooooo, my youngest and sober daughter decorated the house for the holidays and baked cookies while singing with her boyfriend. I could hear them laughing and singing downstairs while the smell of peanutbutter cookies permeated the upstairs and downstairs of our entire home.

     I put together a Christmas Brunch for both sides of the family. It did not really get started until about 11:30 this year as the oldest ones who always got here super early have passed on or moved to Florida as is the case with my Dad. We had quiche, tropical fruit salad, assorted bagels with cream cheeses and jelleys along with meatball sandwhiches, boiled shrimp, pepperoni and cheese. There were also fancy cookies, doughnuts that looked like jewelery they were so pretty, chocolate eclairs and homemade fudge.

   Our minature spanielle looked adorable with his tiny red Santa Clause Suit. Beth called to ask if she could attend. She said that she was taking suboxone again and trying to make a new start. She arrived with a big gift bag full of individually wrapped presents for her sister, father, aunts and me. She had taken a shower and her hair was clean and newly cut. She also had it dyed a natural color. The last time I had seen her it was a clownish orange. This time it was a deep auborn. Her clothes were cute but not trashy.

     Beth stayed for most of the day and then came back in the evening to my sister-in-laws house for dinner. I could tell that it was true that she had started suboxone again. In the beginning, she acts a certain more docile way that I now recognize. This was the first time in years and years that she has stayed with us for most of a day.

We did not discuss her recovery in terms of her new resolve, lack therof or in any way. We were too busy with the holiday. I was careful that there were no valuables left around and everyone there knew the score. Thank God for this family of mine that treated her very well. They were happy to see her in spite of it all. She thanked me several times for letting her come. I am sure she felt the love these people still have for her. My sisters, my husband's sister and our parents have never blamed us. They do not use or approve of drugs or the lifestyle that comes with them. They remember Beth when she was the shining star, the most sought after babysitter, the honor student and the star athlete.  They want her back and wish her the best. They treated her with dignity and respect yet kept their valuables in plane sight.

There was a prayer said in remebrance of my mother in law and my mother who both passed this year. It made Beth sad and she left shortly after that. She cried on the way home about her Nana. I hugged her and said that I knew she could stay strong. I told her that eventhough I know that my Mom and Nana have passed that I still talk to them. I know that they can hear me and often I know what they would tell me so that gives me comfort. I said that I was telling her this because it helps me cope and so maybe it will help her too. She said that she thought it would.

So, we forged ahead and made the best we could out of this first holday without our Moms. I am sure it is how they would have wanted it. We put aside our differences for the day and came together as a family who still loves deeply in spite of the ravages of death and addiction. We laughed, we cried, we ate and we sang. We shared our joys and sorrows. This was our Christmas. I am grateful to have had this day.

Happy Birthday 26 years old

Beth is 26 years old today. The day she was born was the happiest day of my life. She had to go to court today and I had no desire to see her after her latest attempt to tug at my heart and then shake me down for money.

I sent her this text


I remember you. I wait for you to be done with your evil lovers (crack and heroine) and come back home where you belong. Happy Birthday,  I love you.

She replied:  Thanks Mom I love you too.

I was actually relieved that she did not ask to come over or tell me how she is not using.

I cried a lot today. We had 16 good years. She had a happy childhood.

I will follow Lou's advice and post occasionally when the mood hits me. Thanks for letting me share.

Drug Court Not An Option

I talked to a Judge today about drug court for Beth. She could be sentenced to attend but that would not be backed up by the threat of imprisonment because her crimes do not merit prison time. So, that was just another false hope.

We say that we must have hope but when there really is no hope the false hope just seems to add to the pain. I am happy for all of you that have seen progress or at least a break from the addictive behaviors. My girl has not had a week off drugs in several years.The only time I recognize her is when she impersonates her old self for a few minutes because she is trying to get my sympathy which quickly leads to a plea for money.

I have an affection for all of you and I wish you the best regardless of what happens with your children. Thanks for sharing your heartaches and hopes with me. I will continue to read but do not plan to add to my own blog for awhile.