Fifty-Six and Counting

     My birthday came and went. I am now 56. It has been 6 years now that my daughter's addiction has been a part of our lives. We have learned to cope, establish boundaries but still see her from time to time.

She is interested in the horse races now. It seems to give her a reason to get up. She exercises regularly and does not look to bad. She has been on suboxone for a few months now. She gets tested once a week which has seemed to do her a world of good.

Odd, erratic things still happen. I think she still uses other drugs but has quit doing heroine on a regular basis. She seems emotionally much more stable so I believe she is taking he psych meds.

She no longer dominates my life with all her troubles but oh I do miss the old Beth. She was the best at everything and not too sweet. I thought she would be the next Martha Stewart or a young olympian but bipolar disorder, a sexual attack,  debilitating knee injury and subsequent addiction exploded those dreams into little bits.

My birthday was sweet. My sister and my youngest daughter threw a surprise party for me. My Dad was there with his new girlfriend. He seemed healthy and strong which delighted me as we almost lost him recently. I liked the new girlfriend as a person. I will do my best to make her feel welcome in spite of the queasy feeling it gives me to see some other woman in my Mom's house.

My sister's prodigal son was there but not my Beth. They did not invite her. They thought that it would be hard enough to deal with my nephew's antics. They were probably right and it was somewhat of a relief not to worry about how Beth would look, smell, act etc. None the less I missed the concept of my first baby being with me on my birthday.

I do make sure to invite her to all the major holidays when I am involved in the planning and no one tells me otherwise. The family is decent to her at these affairs and she is usually decent to them.

My husband retired sort of. As he worked for himself he really did not make moves to settle things until after his retirement date. He now works seven days a week trying to tie up loose ends on a thirty-five year career. He has some health issues to manage before we can decide where to go from here geografically.

I will be teaching 2 courses at a local university in the fall. Another University asked me to teach two more courses for them at their satelite center but I am not sure yet if those courses will fly. So...... I am sort of retired too. If al 4 courses go then I will be working full time but most of that time will be spent in my own home with about 15 hours on campus. It sounds like a pretty good gig to me.

Fleeting Glory

The day after my last post Beth got kicked out of her not the boyfriend's house for smoking crack. She said that everyone was making too much of a big deal about a little slip up. I have only texted a few words with her since that time.

My father became the main focus of our concerns as he spent the last 6 days in the hospital. Five of those days were in the ICU. I knew he wasn't right because he was sitting in his chair for the past few weeks with no desire to eat or participate in any activities. I took him to my house and the Dr. when he told me that he tried to call me during the night as he felt so sick but could not figure out how to use the phone. (It was a new smart phone and he is 77.) The Dr. gave him an antidepressant but he kept getting worse.

My husband started to complain that I should put my foot down and take him to the emergency room against his will if necessary because his change in mental status was sudden and alarming. The man who could fix everything including the equipment that keeps aircraft apart in the sky could not figure out how to make a call on a new cell phone though I explained it over 20 times.

We were on our way to the ER when our Dr. called. She said his blood work had come back very low in sodium. It was a life threatening reaction that could cause seasure, brain damage or death. He felt better almost imediately but the confusion lasted until the last day in the hospital. FYI :  He was on Benacar with a diuretic added right to the pill. The kidney Dr. at the hospital said it was not advisable for older patients.

Thank God that he seems pretty normal now. My sister who lives right next door will keep a good eye on him while I go on vacation starting Wed. My Dad was supposed to come along but he does not feel confident to go to a third world country right now. Can't say I blame him.

I will be off to Colombia SA on Wed by way of Panama. Looking forward to 15 days of total imersion in Spanish and renewal of friendships which are over 40 years old.

A Glimpse of What Might Have Been

Beth came over tonight. She missed the Barb B Q yesterday as she was working at the horse races. She is assisting a handicapper. It seems they research and publish information about the horses establishing what they think are the odds for each horse to win based upon past history and current conditions.

We were of course concerned with her being in an atmosphere of gambling and drinking but it was obvious that she was excited about this. For the last 6 years she has not been excited about anything really. She has mostly been bored, or listless. Laying on her couch and not finding a reasons to get up.

Lately she has been giving some tennis lessons, doing this work at the race track, collecting scrap metal for resale and doing some home health care work here and there. She also goes to the Dr. once a week for blood tests to show that she is taking her suboxone and clean from other drugs.

After dinner tonight she sang with her Dad. She picked the hardest songs to sing with the keroke machine. Phantom of the opera was one of her first selections. It was amazing to hear her sing loud and clear in her soprano voice. Then, the Dad put on Yesterday and we all sang together. This is how I imagined our lives would be. It made me cry.

She looked very good tonight inspite of just breaking up with her latest boyfriend. Her arms and legs were bear. Her hair was fixed nice and she was neatly groomed. She looked cute and preppy in spite of her tatoos.

Hope is fleeting. Hope is the enemy and yet hope is what I felt. I am afraid of hope and her inconsitencies were still glaringly apparent and all too familiar. And yet, something is very different. There is a spark of her humanity long absent which now smolders amidst the ashes here and there.

Guilt

Beth came over to help with yard work and clip the dogs. I agreed to pay her which is always a source of doubt. I would pay someone else so why not her?  It goes without saying that an addict uses  any money they get on drugs but she does that in any event. Isn't it better for her to earn her money through honest labor?  I have this powerful fantasy that gardening, sunshine and honest work are curative.

She was pleasant and energetic. She told me how she gave two tennis lessons this week and asked me to split her allowance into to separate parts when she gets her car so that she will have gas money. She wore short sleeves and did not have any needle marks. She did not seem high or in any way out of touch with reality. Then she got a phone call from a friend. I heard  her say "I am at my mom's." I reminded her that none of her friends are to pick her up at my house. She was fine with that.

Then she got to be in a hurry. She finished clipping the dogs but planned to come back the next day to bathe them. It seemed strange but I did not argue. I paid for the clipping but not the bathing. I gave her 20 dollars per dog which is far less than Petsmart. I dropped her off at her current residence. She has seemed more stable lately. I am not saying clean but somehow more stable. She seems to have a real affection for her boyfriend. She has been working more at legitimate work.

Am I really off the mark for thinking that it is progress for her to get off the couch and do some work? She did very little but lie on the couch for the last year. She would watch tv, get drugs and then watch more tv. She did not get the drugs by working any kind of legal job. Often her friends would give her drugs. I think that any connection with the world that is not drugs and not watching tv is good. I have seen her lately express compassion and concern for others.

Anyhow, it rained today and it was cold. I did not hear from her till late in the day and thought that she just did not want to finish the dogs as it was too cold to have them outside wet. She texted me a little while ago and indicated that she wanted to come over and wash the dogs. Someone would drop her off. When I said it was too cold she pressed the issue saying she was counting on the money.

I texted back that 40 dollars yesterday and now she is totally out of money makes me feel like I am part of her drug life. My answer was no but now I feel guilty. The guilt did not make me change my mind. I want to encourage her to do any legitimate work that she can but I do not want to be in the position that I was in today. I do not know how to do one and not the other. Any suggestions? I will put on my helmut.

Learning to Drive at 55

     I am officially taking driving lessons. My husband can't see as well as he used to but we have to take more trips into the city than before. These trips are mostly for Dr. visits but there is a whole world of entertainment there as well that we do not tap into very often.

I gave up driving in the city years ago because it makes me nervous. I have poor depth perception and that has certainly added to the angst. When people ask me what I mean by poor depth perception, I say that it looks like the oncoming cars are going to hit me. LOL, I almost did not learn how to drive. At one point my Dad refused to drive me anymore. I think I was actually 18 at the time. He said that no matter what the problem I either had to learn or move to the city as public transportation was nonexistent. That is when I called and paid for action driving school. It worked to the extent that for the last 37 years my record has been unmarred.

So, now I want to regain my ability to drive on major highways. No matter what happens I know that I can get better and it will earn me a discount on my car insurance. Wish me luck on this. I am feeling the fear but doing it anyway.

Thanks for all of your encouragement lately. That old saying that you are only as happy as your least happy child can really haunt me. Beth is always just a sigh away but it would be a shame to ruin the rest of my life by only dwelling on her situation. She and her life will always be a part of mine and yet I do not want misfortune to define me. I am grateful that you encourage me to take whatever happiness I can still find.

Not Quite Empty Nest

We are not quite empty nesters yet. Our youngest daughter is still home but the older two are on their own.

The youngest, Christine, is finishing up her bachelor's degree in Speech Pathology and Audiology. She is 23 years old.  She works as a waitress and commutes to both college and her internship site which are in opposite directions.

Her boyfriend comes over here several times a week but her schedule is so variable that we do not count on seeing her for dinner. Both Christine and her boyfriend are very musically inclined. They often play music or sing while they are here which is very enjoyable. My husband and I both enjoy music. In fact, that is how we met.

I am Beth's power of attorney and representative payee. If anything were to happen to me that responsibility would go to Christine. Upon occasion she has taken care of Beth's finances for a period of time to give me a break. Beth does not usually torture them to the same extent as she  would persist with me. They do listen for a little while but they quickly state their boundaries and move on. I am trying to learn the same from Christine, my husband, all of you, and alanon. I am trying to detach with love.

Not Quite Empty Nest

We are not quite empty nesters yet. Our youngest daughter is still home but the older two are on their own.

The youngest, Christine, is finishing up her bachelor's degree in Speech Pathology and Audiology. She is 23 years old.  She works as a waitress and commutes to both college and her internship site which are in opposite directions.

Her boyfriend comes over here several times a week but her schedule is so variable that we do not count on seeing her for dinner. Both Christine and her boyfriend are very musically inclined. They often play music or sing while they are here which is very enjoyable. My husband and I both enjoy music. In fact, that is how we met.

I am Beth's power of attorney and representative payee. If anything were to happen to me that responsibility would go to Christine. Upon occasion she has taken care of Beth's finances for a period of time to give me a break. Beth does not usually torture them to the same extent as she  would persist with me. They do listen for a little while but they quickly state their boundaries and move on. I am trying to learn the same from Christine, my husband, all of you, and alanon. I am trying to detach with love.