Cataract Success

I am pleased to report that it looks like the cataract surgery was a big success. What a relief. My husband had his worst eye operated on first. That eye had some damage of the retina from retinopathy. He was legally blind in that eye so they removed the cataract from that one first. We knew that his vision would not be normal.

Well, the first thing I noticed was that he could not understand why I was cautioning him not to trip over various objects when it was not dark. (He could tell that it was not dark! Big improvement.)

Next, he told me how pleased he was that he could read the baseball scores on TV and he could see the actor's faces. Yikes,  I didn't know that he could not see the faces before but I sure am glad that he can see them now.

Thank God and thank the doctors. We are happy with this news today.

Hidden Drugs

Actually, I never found drugs in my house. I think that Beth was so far gone that every ounce available was consumed. Once, however, I did find a crack pipe. It was not in a place that we were likely to search for drugs. It was right underneath my own bed!

Cataract Surgery

Hubby had cataract surgery this morning. He has been sleeping for most of the day and I have been puttering around the house to keep an eye on him.


Beth called yesterday say that she had cancelled the Dr. appt. and that the rash had gone away. A little later she was collecting metal which she does once a week. We had gone to the Mall with my youngest daughter in her car. Beth apparently thought we were home but not answering the door. She texted and called frantically on the cell phone. (We have never refused to answer the door to her.)

I have been watching the new show Political Animals with interest. The son is addicted and he is an expert at iliciting guilt and sympathy from his parents. Someone who wrote that had to know a real life addict. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on the way this show deals with addiction. It is on demand and also on USA on Sunday evenings.

Barb B Q and Angst

We went to a nice barb b que today. The weather broke and it was great to sit outdoors without the sweltering heat.

Tommorrow morning I will take Beth to the skin specialist. She has an alarming looking rash all over her arms, legs, stomach and back. Her face is pretty clear. She has been to two doctors already that did not know what it is. One told her to come back in a week after giving her a steroid cream. The other gave her a steriod shot and told her to go to a dermitologist.

You can just imagine all the things that I could let myself imagine but I am using all of my compartmentalizing skills to just wait to see what the Dr. says and deal with it from there.

In the afternoon, I am taking my niece who is in Law school out to lunch. Then we will go to see her new apartment which is right across from Rutgers in Camden. She wanted me to meet her there but I said that I would not go there without an escort. She laughed and plans to escort me after lunch.

I will take Ron's advice and tell Beth that I love her and believe in her. Bye for now.

Fifty-Six and Counting

     My birthday came and went. I am now 56. It has been 6 years now that my daughter's addiction has been a part of our lives. We have learned to cope, establish boundaries but still see her from time to time.

She is interested in the horse races now. It seems to give her a reason to get up. She exercises regularly and does not look to bad. She has been on suboxone for a few months now. She gets tested once a week which has seemed to do her a world of good.

Odd, erratic things still happen. I think she still uses other drugs but has quit doing heroine on a regular basis. She seems emotionally much more stable so I believe she is taking he psych meds.

She no longer dominates my life with all her troubles but oh I do miss the old Beth. She was the best at everything and not too sweet. I thought she would be the next Martha Stewart or a young olympian but bipolar disorder, a sexual attack,  debilitating knee injury and subsequent addiction exploded those dreams into little bits.

My birthday was sweet. My sister and my youngest daughter threw a surprise party for me. My Dad was there with his new girlfriend. He seemed healthy and strong which delighted me as we almost lost him recently. I liked the new girlfriend as a person. I will do my best to make her feel welcome in spite of the queasy feeling it gives me to see some other woman in my Mom's house.

My sister's prodigal son was there but not my Beth. They did not invite her. They thought that it would be hard enough to deal with my nephew's antics. They were probably right and it was somewhat of a relief not to worry about how Beth would look, smell, act etc. None the less I missed the concept of my first baby being with me on my birthday.

I do make sure to invite her to all the major holidays when I am involved in the planning and no one tells me otherwise. The family is decent to her at these affairs and she is usually decent to them.

My husband retired sort of. As he worked for himself he really did not make moves to settle things until after his retirement date. He now works seven days a week trying to tie up loose ends on a thirty-five year career. He has some health issues to manage before we can decide where to go from here geografically.

I will be teaching 2 courses at a local university in the fall. Another University asked me to teach two more courses for them at their satelite center but I am not sure yet if those courses will fly. So...... I am sort of retired too. If al 4 courses go then I will be working full time but most of that time will be spent in my own home with about 15 hours on campus. It sounds like a pretty good gig to me.

Fleeting Glory

The day after my last post Beth got kicked out of her not the boyfriend's house for smoking crack. She said that everyone was making too much of a big deal about a little slip up. I have only texted a few words with her since that time.

My father became the main focus of our concerns as he spent the last 6 days in the hospital. Five of those days were in the ICU. I knew he wasn't right because he was sitting in his chair for the past few weeks with no desire to eat or participate in any activities. I took him to my house and the Dr. when he told me that he tried to call me during the night as he felt so sick but could not figure out how to use the phone. (It was a new smart phone and he is 77.) The Dr. gave him an antidepressant but he kept getting worse.

My husband started to complain that I should put my foot down and take him to the emergency room against his will if necessary because his change in mental status was sudden and alarming. The man who could fix everything including the equipment that keeps aircraft apart in the sky could not figure out how to make a call on a new cell phone though I explained it over 20 times.

We were on our way to the ER when our Dr. called. She said his blood work had come back very low in sodium. It was a life threatening reaction that could cause seasure, brain damage or death. He felt better almost imediately but the confusion lasted until the last day in the hospital. FYI :  He was on Benacar with a diuretic added right to the pill. The kidney Dr. at the hospital said it was not advisable for older patients.

Thank God that he seems pretty normal now. My sister who lives right next door will keep a good eye on him while I go on vacation starting Wed. My Dad was supposed to come along but he does not feel confident to go to a third world country right now. Can't say I blame him.

I will be off to Colombia SA on Wed by way of Panama. Looking forward to 15 days of total imersion in Spanish and renewal of friendships which are over 40 years old.

A Glimpse of What Might Have Been

Beth came over tonight. She missed the Barb B Q yesterday as she was working at the horse races. She is assisting a handicapper. It seems they research and publish information about the horses establishing what they think are the odds for each horse to win based upon past history and current conditions.

We were of course concerned with her being in an atmosphere of gambling and drinking but it was obvious that she was excited about this. For the last 6 years she has not been excited about anything really. She has mostly been bored, or listless. Laying on her couch and not finding a reasons to get up.

Lately she has been giving some tennis lessons, doing this work at the race track, collecting scrap metal for resale and doing some home health care work here and there. She also goes to the Dr. once a week for blood tests to show that she is taking her suboxone and clean from other drugs.

After dinner tonight she sang with her Dad. She picked the hardest songs to sing with the keroke machine. Phantom of the opera was one of her first selections. It was amazing to hear her sing loud and clear in her soprano voice. Then, the Dad put on Yesterday and we all sang together. This is how I imagined our lives would be. It made me cry.

She looked very good tonight inspite of just breaking up with her latest boyfriend. Her arms and legs were bear. Her hair was fixed nice and she was neatly groomed. She looked cute and preppy in spite of her tatoos.

Hope is fleeting. Hope is the enemy and yet hope is what I felt. I am afraid of hope and her inconsitencies were still glaringly apparent and all too familiar. And yet, something is very different. There is a spark of her humanity long absent which now smolders amidst the ashes here and there.