No Comment but still thinking of you.

I am having a hard time making comments lately. I especially wanted to tell Barbara that I am with her. I also wanted to comment on Annettes blog and others. The problem is that when they ask me for the letters at the end of the comment I always get them wrong. Sometimes I try 3 or 4 times but no go. I tried using the sound too but it is also garbled.

I just wanted you to know that I still read and wish you well. Does anyone know how to fix this issue?

No to rehab. Yes to skin Dr.

The answer I got to my desparate text asking her to go to rehab was no. Today, she was ready early to go to the skin Dr. Her bruises were covered up and she had on black leggings which covered a lot of her rash. She seemed perfectly, normal which was of course somewhat startling given her demeanor lately.

The dermatologist said it was probably a kind of psoriasis brought on by strep. She gave her a blood test, and 2 biopsies for skin cancer. She wrote a perscription for two steriod creams. Beth has to and wants to go back there in two weeks to get the stitches out.

She showed me the clothes that she bought yesterday minus the shoes. Sooo, she did not return the clothes for drug money as there they were.

She claims (I have heard this 20 times already) that she is getting a car tonight. The  boyfriend owes her a car for taking care of his dyeing mother.

I got a good look at the bruises and they were pretty extensive. She said that she fell of her bike from stopping too fast to avoid a car. They look like they could have been caused this way.

So round and round we go.

Thanks you so much for your support yesterday. I was at a very weak point and it meant a lot to me.

Fast and Furious Addiction Crisis

We are in the soup again. Younger daughter to Beth shopping today for a pant suit. She actually behaved pretty well but was all bruised up. Younger daughter assumed it was from the boyfriend. Eventhough Beth told me she and the boyfriend broke up, that is where she wanted to be dropped off.

I asked Beth about the bruises and she claims to have been hit by a car while riding her bike. WOW  Hit by a car....... covered in a terrible rash.........looks like she was beaten  up.

Oh, and did I mention that she also got her younger sister to return the reciepts to her because the shoes she bought were too high? Looks like she scammed me out of money by faking a shopping trip.

I rescheduled my husband's spine Dr. for tommorow so that I can go with Beth to the dermitologist. I am pulled between all these needy people and do not take care of myself well enough either.

I am worried about her. She is apparently at one of her lower points now...... constantly scamming, in very poor health, beat up and spiraling on down.

God grant me the serenity to find the eye of this hurricane. Thank you God for keeping her alive so far. Please, please let her live to see another day. Please show her the way now as I fear there is not much more time.

I just texted her the following:  I feel that you are very near death my love. I pray that you have a moments clarity. Remember Straight and Narrow?( a long term rehab).

Texting

Today was better than yesterday. I got several texts from Beth of a more positive nature. She wants to buy a pant suit for a big race coming up. She made plans to go to Florida. She intends to go to the Dr. appointment to see about the rash.

I texted her ok to all of the above and said that I am pleased that she sounds better and now has a few things to look forward to. I am not up to spending more time with her than the appt. so I said I would transfer the money to her acct and she can provide the reciept. Her boss will take her to the store. She will bring me the reciepts. If she does not or if she ends up without the proper clothes then there will be no furthur purchases. I tell you this but I did not tell her. She already knows.

Sometimes it is better to text as it removes some of the emotion. I need to remember that she can be and often is very very miserable one minute and happy the next. This exists because of her rapid cycling bipolar disorder even without the drugs.

Emotional Wreck Today

     Beth called to say she is back at her apartment after a breakup with the boyfriend who did not buy her a car after all. Her rash, which she told me was better when she broke the dermatologist apointment is much worse. It now covers her entire body except the face.

    She refused to see anymore doctors unless I would release the money to buy her a car. She was lonely, desperate and manipulative. She pushed all of my guilt buttons while claiming to be clean. I hung up and then made her an appointment with the dermatologist. I texted her that I would be available to take her there on Tuesday.

I spent about 5 hours just spinning round and round emotionally actually contemplating spending her last dollar to buy her a car so that she could get her ownself to appts etc.

When she has a car she hangs out with a worse crowd that is the crowd that are on foot willing to pay or exchange drugs for a ride. When she had a car she still rarely went to her own apartment. When she had a car it started out beautiful but had multiple big huge dents way before she wrecked it.

She claimed that I had renigged on my offer to buy her a car if she was 90 days clean. She claims to have done 90 days on suboxone. She was doing one drug test per week. I know that she can cheat on one per week. I did think she cut down but I do not think she was clean. I said start right now and do 2 tests a week and lets see how you do. She said no transportation and I said I would pay for that as long as the tests were clean. She told me to ------ myself up the -----.

She said no more doctors for her. It is not worth living without a car.  It is always the same. She threatens to hurt herself or not take care of herself in some way to get me to give her what she wants. She has indeed attempted suicide three times in the past but always due to men .

 I said I had to go and hung up. I texted her to say I would take her to Dr. eventhough she can ride the senior bus but she will not. She texted back ok a few hours later. Here we go again. Is it a full moon?

Coffee Shop

DH and I went to a coffee shop/book store in town tonight. A local musician sang her heart out all night with nothing but her guitar and a small amplifier that was barely on. We knew and loved every single song. Everyone told a story and had a great melody.

She was playing for tips. There were a couple of rough looking street people outside who wondered in an out getting books but everyone behaved. The concert was well attended by a number of people who remembered Woodstock and a few including the singer who had been there.

Family Photos

The last time I started looking at pictures from when the kids were little it put me in a tail spin of depression that took several days before I could quit being weepy.

Today I started to organize them again but just for 30 minutes. I cried a little but then I could see that we were really a happy family pre addiction. Oh no they can't take that away from me.