Her Car Died!

The Toyota that she paid three thousand dollars for in July just died! It was leaking oil fast, went into a death rattle and just stopped. My mechanic says a rebuilt engine might be the way to go. Yikes........


She was a hysterical mess waiting for the car to be towed away. She was tearful, mean and tapping her feet agitated all at the same time. I think they call this a mixed state. She checked the oil frequently so when the noise started, she did not think it was low on oil and kept driving a short way. Then it stopped.

Funny thing is, when the mechanic confirmed that it is a goner she took it well. I guess the anticipation of this problem bothered her more than the problem itself.


Now, we will see how this situation is resolved.  This is a semi rural area so there is really no public transportation where she live. Busses are few and far between even here in town.

Christmas Night

     I am very greatful to have all of my grown children with me this Christmas. All in all the holiday went well in spite of the mine fields we had to side step thoughout the process. Beth came to two family dinners. The first one she arrived late and left early. We agree that this is not a big deal. She comes and goes as she pleases to adjust for her anxiety attacks. If she feels good, she stays if she feels bad she is free to go home or go to another room to rest. This approach has helped her a lot. She comes to more family gatherings this way though she does not usually stay very long.

Tonight , she arrived with a big bag of Christmas presents in toe. She sat and chatted with her sister and boyfriend at length, she greeted everyone and seemed greatful to be included. She gave out her presents and thanked her aunt for including her in the festivities. This is big progress for her. It also means that Christmas happened to catch her on a good day for her mental issues. Crowds give her anxiety. Even family gatherings give her anxiety.

Beth gave her brother a present. He acted like a jerk. He did not say thank you and he did not give her anything. He has totally disowned her. If not for the fact that I will not let him live with me if he will not say hello and goodbye to her he would not do that either. This is disturbing to me though I certainly aknowledge that her addiction nearly distroyed our entire family. She did horrible things and we all suffered. I have talked to my son about this many times. I want him to forgive if not forget and to be her brother again. We even went to a family therapist who said that it was his choice to cut her off. According to the counselor that we paid for such sage advice, siblings do not have the same kind of love as parents to children and that is ok.

I do not think that this rejection is ok. I pray that one day he has the compassion towards his sister that he seems to have for his friends.Last year, he would not have stayed in the same room with her so there is some miniscule progress there.  It was our first Christmas all toghether in 5 years. It was our first Christmas without POP POP. I can't help thinking that some of the progress that has been made is due to POP POP up there in heaven doing his best to lobby for us and get some of this mess straightened out. He always wanted the best for us. He told me that he thought we were very good parents. He could not understand the trouble that we had with Beth and sometimes our boy. That was kind of him.

My younger daughter brought her boyfriend with her. He seems like a nice young man. They were delightful to be around and also very kind to Beth. As the evening went on we held back some tears for POP POP, we were greatful for the progress we see in Beth and we laughed and laughed over some good shared memories. The food was great, the house was beautiful and we shared memories from many many happier times that we have had together. All in all I would say that it was good.

Merry Chritmas to all and to all a good night.

Dead at 58

My good friend Cathy died on Wednesday morning of pancreatic cancer which had spread all over. She was surrounded by her family and friends. She was kept comfortable during the last days in the ICU. They did not try to prolong her life. They just kept her comfortable. She did not seem afraid or distressed.

This death had affected me greatly. I have difficulty sleeping and am tearful off and on throughout the days. It progressed in only a few months. She was totally destroyed in body but not in spirit or mind.

She was always on my side. I will miss her so very much.

Life Goes On

A very good friend of mine is in the ICU. She has pancreatic cancer and they say she has less than a week to live. She is handling this with great dignity and even occasional humor. I am in awe of her. We have had a lot of fun times together and her friendship has made the hard times easier.

What a devastating disease this is! She is literally a skeleton. A few months ago she was the picture of health.

I got a message on my facebook from Beth's birth mother. She wanted to thank me and tell me how her life has gone since she gave up Beth for adoption when she the birth mother was only 13 years old. apparently Beth never did talk to her. I thought she had. Also, she does not seem to know the trouble that Beth has seen in spite of the fact that this is a pretty small town.

Wow, it was a surprise as I have not heard from her in 25 years. I wonder if contact with her would help or hurt Beth.....  I know that Beth has felt a tremendous sense of rejection and abandonment around the issue of her adoption. No matter how nicely and we have put it nicely the child still feels abandoned. I don't know why this came as such a surprise to us but it did. An adopted child misses their natural parents. Of course they do no matter how good you treat them. It is not their fault. It just is what it is.............

The birth mother tells me that she is about to graduate from nursing school. She will understand if I do not reply as she does not wish to intrude if Beth does not know about her. Beth has always known and always felt different because of it. It might have been better if she did not know but we thought it was best not to keep secrets. She must be about 38 years old by now. I wonder if there is any family history that could shed some light on Beth's mental problems.

I am being very careful what I say to her as I feel that it is Beth's perogative and not mine to share or not share the details of her life with others.

Thanksgiving

     I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday. Twelve people came. They ate and laughed and caught up on family news. Beth came late which is fine. This is one of the ways she copes with her fear of crowds. She makes an appearance late at family gatherings. I was glad that she now has her own place which is close enough to our home that we can visit. It is much easier for me to have a life of my own knowing that she has the safety and stability of her own place.

In point of fact, this is the first Thanksgiving or major holiday that we have truely celebrated in many years. Before the addiction, we had most of the holiday gatherings at my house. Addiction changes the family dynamics as does mental illness.

We also decorated for Christmas and enjoyed xmas shopping today. Is Beth clean and sober? She looks good when she visits us. She still suffers from depression. She does not want to go back on her antidepressants even though she is still depressed. Her explanation is that it is better to cope with the sadness that comes from depression than the wreckless behavior that comes from the mania induced by the depression medication. She does seem a lot more respectful and reasonable.

I am spending a lot more time thinking about my work, my  husband and my friends. I see Beth when she wants to see me which is usually three times per week. I dole out her SSI money in the manner that she determined which is 50 dollars per week split up on Mon. Wed and Friday. This puts gas in her car and buys cigarettes.

She came over here last weekend with a new boyfriend. He seemed very intelligent. He had a job and a car and a relationship with his parents. This is a new experience for her. I am sure he has his story too but she seems to be approaching normal more often now. It was nice that she wanted us to meet him and nice that they spent a Saturday night watching movies and playing pool in our house instead of all the other alternatives available to them.


 She sometimes has two or three good days in a row. We are happy for those days. If she could hit that number consistently she might be able to work part time for someone else. As it is, she continues doing her pet grooming sporadically. She does her own shopping, house keeping, doctor visits and self care. She tells me which bills to pay and when.She tells me her next goal for improving her life and safety. I help her achieve those goals letting her do for herself as much as she possible can.

Weather or not this housing first harm reduction model will allow her to sustain her sobriety is yet to be seen. It is a godsend to the people who love her. We feel much less guilty and much more free. She is safer and saner now than we have seen her in the past 8 years. The mental illness does not go away. But as they say in NAMI, we learn to manage and cope with the symptoms.

I am greatful to all of you for sharing your stories and support with me. I am always glad to hear from you. I pray our loved ones and our nation will find better ways to cope with the plague of addiction that has fallen on our land.

Cozy, Rainy, Sunday

     The weather turned cool today and it rained in the afternoon. It put me in a good mood to make some vegetable beef soup. Beth came over and we set up her budget. She will get a very small amount each week on the designated days. What she does with it is her business but there will be no more than that coming from me on a regular basis.She has to learn to live withing her means. We all do.

Just as the soup started to smell like it should, dear daughter 2 called to say that she was on her way home from college. She will spend the night here... My husband and son watched the baseball game together while I cooked. Right now my youngest daughter and her Dad   are singing together in the living room. They have the kereoke backing them up so it sounds quite professional.

I now appreciate these homey days as I know what a true miracle they really are.

Got the Keys

Beth and I went to sign up for the new apartment. She was neat and clean. Her hair was blown dry and loose over her shoulders. She was nice to the apartment manager and me. Her pupils looked normal, her speech, coordination and driving were good. She did keep her foot drumming in constant motion.

Then I noticed a big bruise on her hand where she used to shoot up. She saw me notice and said that the trunk fell on her  hand. Yikes!

Look at my hand Mom, there is no hole in the bruise. There would be a hole there if I were shooting up. I wish the scars would fade.

I just said OH and changed the subject.


Don't most addicts shoot up someplace that can be hidden? She used the most obvious spot on her body.