Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow Beth will go to the suboxone Dr. at 4. I will meet her there and she will be drug tested. We will see if the suboxone is in her system and what else is there as well. I am not sure if we will see the results right at the office or in a day. I stopped by the Dr office today. I told her that Beth is staying with a very heavy user. This much she admits to. Even if by some miracle she is not doing heroine right now, it is not a healthy place where she can stay clean.

Tom from recovery helpdesk is supposed to talk with Beth on the phone at 1. I will be surprised if she picks up but she said that she would. I finally told my husband all about this. It started just before he left with dd2 for the weekend.

He was a big help in getting my emotions back in the box. You know what I mean don't you?. I mean not exactly where my emotions are not hurting me but out of sight, somewhat organized and contained.

Beth was going to work with a life coach as well but today she told me that she does not need anymore counselling. Did I mention that she told me she is shooting water into her neck because she misses the needle but she is not doing crack or heroine?

I am trying to detach with love at this point. I have to create some distance to protect my sanity and my ability to sleep, work and interact like a somewhat normal person.

What hurts worse?

I knew that I was suffering watching Beth slowly kill herself but it was not until recently that I really understood just how excrutiating the pain is.  I watched my mother writhing in pain from blood clots, then gangrene. I watched her kineys fail and tried to comfort her. My father, my sister's and I agonized over the end of life decisions. When to let go and when to hang on. It was exhausting and excrutiating. When the end came it still caught me by surprise. It made me nautious, weak and gasping for breath through my tears. My mother's death was very painful but was it more painful than the many many days, weeks and months of my daughters addiction?


Eventhough I loved my mother.......... the addiction is worse because the loss goes on and on. I am exposed to a level of degradation and desperation that I did not know existed. Many of you are parents of addicts so you know the pain. I wonder if the addicts know how much they hurt us?  I wonder if their counselors know how much they hurt us.?

Not The Boyfriend Tells Me She is Still Using

     Beth's friend Mike tells me that she is still using crack...... injecting it in her neck now. She has left his place and her psychiatric meds behind. She is couch surfing from place to place. Will not go back to her apartment it is too far away. Will not come to my house as the rules are too strict.  Is there any point of getting off heroine if you are still doing crack? Especially if you are still using needles?

Yesterday was one month since my Mom died. I have had two good girlfriends die since December. All of these deaths were preceded by short but difficult illnesses of a few months. Yesterday my husband said that I talk about death and depressing things too much. I said......." but that is all we have left in our lives."

I know that is not the right way to feel and I know I have to get my own life back on track. I do not particularly like cleaning house but I think I will. It appeals to me now as something that I can actually control!

How TO Pace Yourself at Work

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I have been so depleted lately. I just come home, sit in the chair and can not move. It occured to me that I forgot to apply what I know about pace.

1. People are more efficient and make less errors when they take breaks.
2. I can and should make my own breaks.
3. Take a full hour for lunch or how ever much time you are aloud. If you have some time left over go for a walk, sit in your car beside a pretty place or listen to an audio book. I ate my sandwhich while watching the ducks.
4. Stand up and walk around every 60 to 90 minutes.
5.  Do not add anything to today's list of things to do. When something comes up put it on the next day's list unless it is a dire emergency. If it is a dire emergency move something from today's list till tommorow's list.


I followed these rules today and had a good amount of energy at the end of the day. What a relief! Life was worth living. I plan to repeat this behavior tomorrow. Maybe you will too!

Who Would Break Up A Romance by TEXT?

My youngest daughter Chris just got dumped by her boyfriend of 6 months. He seemed to be absolutely infatuated with her and she with him. Turns out he was communicating with the x girlfriend all along. When Crhistine was away for the weekend with her Dad, boyfriend got together with old girlfriend and texted Chris that the feeling was gone. They are young. She is resilient but she was left, shaken, crying and throwing up.

I feel bad that I did not see through this too much too soon over the moon bullshit but there it is .  He ws a player mascarading as a true blue so much in love good guy.  He fooled me too!  Also do not understand why he wanted to ruin her little get away with her Dad. He could have been a man, waited one more day till she came home and then done the deed in person.

I sure hope this is not the norm now breaking up by text!

These are my boundaries. They help me cope with mental illness/addiction

1.  No drugs in my house.
2. No needles in my house.
3. No shady characters in my house.
4. No cash gifts.
5. No replacement of non cash items that dissapear.
6. No bail or paid attorneys for crimes commited.
7. If you loose you car or get a traffic ticket  you pay it or not.
8. I will help you but I will not put myself in danger to help you.
9.  No rides out of bad neighborhoods.
10. I do not answer my phone in the middle of the night. I turn it off.( My husband's phone is on but she does not abuse that for some reason.)
11.She  does not have keys to my home. She is not allowed in unsupervised.
11. No threats, no hitting, no throwing objects or damaging property. This kind of behavior results in expulsion from house , the police or mental hospital will be called.
12. The addict is not allowed to bring people into the house without prior approval.
13. No visitors are allowed knocking on the door. They must call and bde approved.
14. I never leave my purse, money or credit cards unsupervised. They are locked in my trunk or in the safe.
15. I will not lie or cover up for the addict. She knows that if I am questioned by her boyfriend, Dr. employer etc. police, I will tell the truth.
16. I will pay for medical attention and help with medical transportation when scheduled in advance.
17. I will include her in family affairs if she behaves. That is does not come around high or cause chaos.
18. She must take her medications to live with me for even a short time. She must maintain her own household on a regular basis but I will take her back home if she gets sick or has anxiety attacks. I will invite her home when she has to cope with something upsetting like death or other upsetting events.
19.  She knows that she can take a break at any time. That is go outside or to a separate room to regain calm or lessen anxiety.
20.  I do not comment negatively on herr appearance unless she is dirty or obscene.
21.  I will helpwith and sometimes pay for any healthy activities within reason. This includes school, hobbies etc.
22. I manage her ssi money so that rent , utilities etc are paid. I give her an allowance from her own money on a schedule that she sets up ahead of time.
23. I admire her courage in dealing with this awful disase of bipolar that was no fault of her own. Over and over I  support her as she fights and fails the fights again against this addiction. I will fight as long as she does. When she wearies of fighting and wants to give up I will encourage her to try again. I love her and she loves me. We have a bond that goes beyond disease and addiction.

Suboxone Dr. Says that Bipolar was not Adequately Treated

Beth's suboxone Dr. who is a neurodevelopmental specialist surprised me. She said that if Beth started using again then she the Dr.  must have done something wrong in treating the underlying bipolar disorder and or ptsd. Wow, that was a shock. The Dr. really does not see this using as free choice. She sees it as triggered by some part of her mental illness that is not adequately treated.

I shared with her that Beth rarely sleeps and is plauged by anxiety. She wrote a perscription for clonoprin which I am holding for Beth. I am to give her one pill a day to help her sleep at night. I asked Beth what she was willing to do for herself so that she could sleep better. She said that she would drink less caffeine. (Not quite the response I hoped for but I let it go. How about exercise, sleeping in bed instead of the couch and doing something productive during the day?).

Rose is a heroine addict who got absolutely clean using suboxone and xanax for anxiety held my her mom. Kelsey is a  cocaine addict/ schizoaffective disorder patient who is close to clean. This one goes on a cocaine bender 2 to 3 times per year. The rest of the time she is up and down in her mental illness but does not use drugs that are not perscribed. These are people that I know and I know that the stories are true.