Good Day By The Grace of God

Thank you for your kind support and comments on my last post. In spite of the fact that I was having a hard time sleeping last night, today was a good day. My son stayed with my husband all morning while I went to the university to teach my classes. The students and the atmosphere at the university just make me happy. It is a fantasy world of hope and youthful enthusiasms. I am so fortunate to have students that share my interests. I get a vicarious thrill by hearing about their adventures learning Spanish. One student is going to El Salvador with the engineering department to act as a translator in January. Another, spent the summer in Alicante Spain and yet another biked through Europe staying at youth hostels.

These kids are such a miracle of health, hard work and wonder. They are learning so much so quickly that it amazes me. I should have done this for my entire career but taught high school and then went into administration instead. The teaching part was very enjoyable but the administration part was shall we say anticlimactic.............

My son stayed with my husband all morning. DH said that DS was very kind and thoughtful. He has promised to look for another job after the xmas rush. He also insists that he will donate a kidney to his Dad. He says that he is better suited than me as he is younger and stronger. So..... one day we despair of him every taking any real responsibility in life and then he turns around to offer his kidney, take good nitty gritty personal hygiene  type care of his father. He also told me that he keeps throwing away offers for credit cards because he knows that he can not handle them.

This evening when DD2 came in she sat down to chat with her Dad and hold his hand for awhile. Then, she asked me to come and sing with her. I mostly listened. She has a beautiful alto voice. This is what I thought my life would be like..... filled with music, laughter, love and work that I enjoy. Well there are moments. Thank God for the moments. In Spanish they say that many people miss the moments of happiness in life while waiting for a state of complete contentment to arrive. (It sounds more poetic in Spanish but you get the point.)

Beth found her ride to the suboxone Dr. today. Imagine that! She acted like we had never had any words yesterday. I have every confidence in her being able to find transportation anyplace she wants to go.

Post Operative Blues

DH went in for an emergency hemoroidectomy on Tuesday. We thought that it would be a minor procedure. As it turned out he had to go back to the hospital several times as he was unable to urinate or have bowel movements. Eventhough he is very close to dialysis and has both high blood pressure and diabetes they just sent him home. I had to pick up some practical nursing skills fast!  He was not steady on his feet, hooked up to a catheter and in severe pain. His blood pressure went up and his sugar went down, he dehydrated in spite of all the fluids he was drinking. All in all it has been a miserable 6 days. At last, he seems to be getting some of his strength back and can get himself in and out of bed, to the bathroom etc. etc.

They sent him home before he had been able to urinate. Why are hospitals suddenly refusing to let very sick people stay? My sister got the same treatment recently. She is a heart patient that presented with severe angina caused from a misfiring thyroid. They sent her home and it took another two and a half months to deal with all of her problems on an outpatient basis. We all supposedly have good insurance!

Beth has declared herself clean for two months. I see no evidence of any truth to this story. She is pressuring me to use her money to buy her another car. This is a no win situation. When I think about releasing the money for that car, I see the mangled wreck she made of the last one. I do not want to put her in a death trap. I told her that she would have to be in a program and provide proof of sobriety for 90 days in order for me to release the money. I also told her to get a different rep payee as I do not want to do it anymore with her badgering me. She just sent me a text saying that she is loosing her mental stability from so much isolation. ( The large quantities of crack and heroine that she still injests have nothing to do with this mental instability.)

I really am very tired from caregiving 24/7 for the last week. My own acid reflux is making it hard to sleep. The neighbors have told me that they saw Beth walking in the worst drug area of our city. I have been literally cleaning up shit all week. Beth knows this but continues to badger. I turned off the phone for my own sanity but that makes me feel a different sort of anxiousness. I must toughen up and remember to see the good in the rest of my life.

My other two children have helped me a lot doing errands and cleaning up the kitchen. My sister and father have visited and lent a hand. I am greatful for them. In spite of all this misery, my husband and I have had some very sweet moments. He has an amazing ability to make me laugh even in such dire circumstances. Thank God for that.

We were supposed to go on a trip to PR this Saturday. We might still go if he gets the catheter out and is able to uriniate on Tuesday. It all depends on how he feels. We do not have to tour around. We could just lie in the sun and relax at the resort if he feels a little better.

On a more positive note when I was cleaning shit, I asked myself if I would rather do this or go back to work in the den of vipers. The answer is that I would much rather help my husband even if that means cleaning shit. As my Dad says about plumbing work........."there is shit work in every job but with plumbing you always know where the shit is coming from."

Texts, Lies and Family Drama

Many times she has lied to my face. Now she is putting it in writing. Beth texted me that she has been clean for two weeks now. She wanted to know if I was proud of her because it was hard. I said that I was proud and that anything worthwhile was bound to be very hard.


I did not tell her that I do not believe her. I also tried not to discourage her. I have been trying to mind my own business. In the past, I would usually list the evidence of her lack of sobriety. I did not want her to think that she was fooling me. It makes no difference.

Dear son is supposed to move out tommorrow. He is upset because his father and I want him to look for full time work. Mind you I said look not an ultimatum to find work,  just an ulimatum to look. He figures that since we still love Beth in spite of all her issues that we should see his situation as negligable.

His addiction is video games. That is all he wants to do. He is 23 years old soon to turn 24. He has a certificate in plumbing, heating and air conditioning. He will not use that certificate. He works part time in retail. He recently had an absessed tooth as he refulsed to see a dentist for a root canal. We would have paid but he simply refused to go. It makes no sense. Is he just misbehaving or is something more serious going on with him as well?          


                                                                                                                                                     He was the one I worried about as a child. He had attention deficit disorder and a lot of trouble in school. He totally rejects Beth and wants nothing to do with her. He says that he will move out tomorrow because he will not comply with our wishes for him to make a plan and look for full time work.


Since he refuses to talk to his father or me I wrote him a letter. I told him that I want him to sit down and talk these things out with us. I need him to make a plan and carry it out. I offered to help him with deposits for an apartment if he decides to go. I said that my love is unconditional and I still want him to come around and be part of the family. I said that when he does want to talk I will make it my first priority and that we only want what we think is best for him. We sometimes make mistakes but the mistakes are out of love.

We will see what happens tomorrow with dear husband and dear son. Dear husband says look for a job full time, talk to us and make a plan or move. I see my husband's point. I know my son has struggles, real struggles with his ADHD but he does waste 5 or 6 hours per day playing video games. A change needs to be made. Dear son does pay rent and his car insurance. We did that to motivate him but it did not work.  Why is change always so hard?

The youngest of my children is doing well in college and holding down a waitressing job at the same time. She sometimes makes herself sick by working too much. Each child is so different. One is very responsible and hard working. One is more than a little too laid back and then of course there is Beth. She was the shining star but now she is a five star addict.

Very Little Sleep

I have full productive days. I am able to live my life and be happy most of the time. Oh but the nights are so different. That is when I think of my Mom and my addicted daughter and m  son who only works part time and plays video games non stop. . I also think about my friends who died and my mother and father in law.

I lived for 55 years with only a few deaths here and there. This year I got smacked with so many losses and they all haunt me when I try to sleep .  Two very close friends, two mothers and my father in law all died in the past year and one half.

I was very very fortunate to actually love all these people and have them with me for so long. I know that in the daytime but the nights are so much harder.

I was closer to my mother in law for the last 30 years. She lived right next door and was so good to me. My mom was a new age mom in Florida with her friends. She was not that interested in all the drama at my house. She had enough on her plate with her own health. But yet, she always called me and encouraged me and wanted to talk. She told me I was a better mother than her. She told me that Beth was not my fault and I should not ruin my life over it.

There must truly be a biological bond that i so much more powerful than we think. I should miss my mother in law more. She was better to me and we did love each other. Never the less, it is my mother that grieves me the most. I miss them both but the depths of my pain are for my mother.

I wish that I did not have to sleep.

Compartmentalize

Thank you all for helping me compartmentalize the horror that is living with addiction. I try to  tell you what is happening in this viper pit and leave all the angst and pain on these pages. I try to lock away the vile contamination so that it can not effect the rest of my life.

I saw Beth today after picking up some groceries for her. this is not my habit but she does have pneumonia. She told me that she was in town and wanted to ride back out to her apt. in the country with me. When I got to where she was staying she had changed her mind and wanted to stay there. I convinced her to come with me to put the groceries away. There was no refrigerator where she was staying and there was no room in mine. Anyhow, she met me outside looking very very bad. Her pupils were small and there were tell talke small spots of blood on her pants. She was carrying her body cast which she is supposed to wear at all times. The Dr. told her if it heals wrong she will have pain and need a spinal fusion. This does not impress her.

We drove out there with her coughing up a storm. I asked her if she was urinating. She said yes. Previously she told me that she drinks and drinks but hardly pees. I told her that this could signal that her kidneys are shutting down. She said that she pees just fine now.

When we got to the apartment she was quite impatient with me. She did not like various items that I purchased. She complained about several things and did not say thank you for anything. I was surprised to see her medications all lined up, her flute on the table with some music nearby and signs of furthur decorating in the apartment. My assumption was that she had sold the persecriptions for drugs but there they were. Of course her clothes were also full of little blood droplets which means heroine. She was very surly and impatient which means crack. She was determined not to wear the brace which looks like mental illness to me or crack.  What a world of contradictions.

Only a miracle can save her. Only the grace of God so I pray for the Grace of God. I thank Syd for saying once again to turn her over to God. I had not slept in weeks without tossing and turning for hours. In the midst of all these current crisis I prayed for God to take care of her because she is way way beyond my capabilities. I also texted her that I was giving her over to God as I was unable to save her. For the first time in weeks I went right to sleep.

Lou says she should go to Jail. That could help but so far she gets away with her legal transgressions. She has done some bad things and even been charged. We did not pay for an attorney but she got off lightly. No jail and no substantial charges to date. It looks to me like it would be safer for her and give me more peace of mind.

I wish that I could have her committed for a long long time but she knows that game. As soon as she says, she understands and she no longer wants to hurt herself, she learned her lesson...... they let her go.

On a more positive note, I spent some good quality time with my Dad today. He came over this morning and helped us pick out some new windows. Then, we went grocery shopping for him, me and Beth. Later in the evening we picked him up to go get Pizza. His prostate cancer biopsy came back good, normal, no signs of cancer. I am so greatful for that. I wish I spent more time with my Mom before she died. I call him to go to breakfast or dinner and think Why didn't I do that when Mom was living?  Well, I know that I was busy with Beth. They did not want to have much to do with that scene. Also, I knew they had each other and their friends. I do miss my Mom though...... much more than I thought I would.

Yesterday for me and today for the addict......

Yesterday was a great day. I woke up at 6:30 am looking forward to teaching my classes at the University. The classes went well and the students were awesome. They were polite, ethusiastic and hard working. One girl left class telling me that she was changing her minor to Spanish. Several others lingered to share their travel experiences and tell me how they were useing the language in their lives. It was great to see all these lucky, healthy normal young people all in one place.


Today I woke up at 7:00 am and prayed for the strength to get through the day with Beth. I wanted to take her to the gynocologist for a proceedure she has been putting off. The procedure was to freeze out and scrape off precancerous cells. She has to do this periodically to avoid getting full blown cervical cancer.

She came out with the good news that the nurse said her cervix looked better than expected. Then she got in the car coughing up a storm. I felt her head. It felt cold and clammy though she was complaining of feeling hot. Her arms and legs felt the same way. She had me pull over so she could throw up and mentioned that she had been throwing up about once a day for the last three days. She wanted to cancel her next apt. with the suboxone Dr.

I protested saying that she seemed to have bronchitis. I urged her to see the nuerodevelopmental specialist i'f not for her suboxone then to get a script for the bronchitis. Dr. C really cares about Beth. She keeps trying to keep her alive long enough to get better. I stayed in the waiting room because even though the Dr. is good I doubt Beth's motives. Somehow the suboxone gets lost or stolen etc. etc. The Dr. knows that I quit paying for this treatment long ago because of this behavior. She continues to treat Beth when she begs to come back even without the copayments. Beth once attained almost three months clean with this Dr. It was the best she ever did in or out of rehab.

Anyhow, the Dr. came out to get me. She sat me down and told me that Beth was using again which was because the addiction was stirred up by the pain pills, morphine etc. She said that she was putting Beth back on suboxone and glad to do it. She also told me that Beth has Pneumonia. I left there believing that Beth was going to give the suboxone another try and make an affort to take care of herself to get over this pneumonia.

We dropped off the perscriptions and I left her at her friend Mike's house. I was supposed to take her back out to her apt. after getting the perscriptions. I voluntered to get her some food and even stay with her if she needed help. She did not need food. She already had food. I asked about water, she already had that too. There was some talk of me holding the suboxone and giving her a day or two dosage at a time to keep temptation low. She asked me what I wanted to do. The Dr. had not asked me to monitor the meds though I know it is a good idea.

Hubby and I just sat down to eat at Bob Evans when the phone rang. It was Beth. She said that John ( remember him from the hospital.....the sugar daddy who took her right from her hospital bed to get drugs and then left her alone unable to get out of bed alone with 6 broken vertabrae) was going to take her home but we could meet them at the drug store. I said, "why do you want me to meet you at the drug store I already gave you 50 dollars of your weekly allowance." She said she was going to use that money on groceries........... At that moment the waitress came and I said I would have to get back to Beth.

Hubby said she was perfectly consistent...... broken back but wanted to go use crack.......pneumonia but wanted to go use crack or heroine with John. She gets a little money or other drugs to trade and John appears. He buys some beer for himself and gets her the drugs she wants.  We decided to tell her she would have to spend her own money on the perscriptions.

A text arrived from her saying that she would buy her own perscriptions with John. I will check on her tomorrow to see if her fever went up. The Dr. said it might. I wonder if she will sell her antibiotics as well or just the narcotics. Once again, when faced with dire medical consequences she goes for the highest high she get. The suboxone and clonoprin would have calmed her and helped her get by. Getting by and or regaining her health is not her priority.

It is so hard to watch her kill herself. These are the sordid details of a grown child lost in the terrible world of addiction.

Art Still There

We took Beth some of her things from the trunk of her wrecked car. She was happy to see us and the apartment was clean. The dishes were clean, the floor was swept and she had decorated one large wall with a combination of stencils, jewlery and art work. It was actually quite attractive.

She looked very thin but she was walking pretty well. She said that she had enough food but that she was going stir crazy staying in the apartment so much.We had to go to a Dr. appt. for my husband so the conversation was very brief.

I texted her later that maybe it was a good time to take a course since she could not move around much etc. I made some suggestions including the clay college art or music lessons. She said that she would look into it. I would help her with this as I want to encourage any efforts she makes to join the living. I told her the wall looked great and had reminded me of the artist that is still in her.

I started teaching Spanish courses at a University near hear on Wed. It was fun to be called professor and see the students so willing to please and learn. It was a joy and a comfort to see so many healthy young people doing the right things to advance themselves.  Why have I always been able to inspire my students but not Beth? It is a sad irony that I would gladly switch to have inspired just my own loved ones.