My Daughter is in Jail

DH just got a phone call from an x boyfriend of Beth. He said that his neighbor came over to tell him that Beth had called from a county jail which is two counties away from here.


That is all I know. She has not called me nor her father. No one in my family nor my husband's family has ever been in jail. This is where drugs lead.

" I do this to make up for some of the wrong I have done in my life."

Beth was feeling guilty for saving her elderly patient. The poor woman is still on a respirator. My husband talked to Beth and said that she could not just let the woman die without a will that stated she did not want to be resusitated.

I told her that she did right by the woman and now the situation has to play itself out. The woman's son will have to make the decision of what to do next. She gave the woman a chance and that was right eventhough at some point we do not want to let people suffer either. I also said that caring for the weak and sick is noble work that I admire.

Beth said, "Thanks Mom, I do this to try and make up for some of the wrong that Ihave done in my life."


Lou said that at 26 years of age eventhough her son was not done with drugs at that point he started to feel remorseful for his misdeeds. It appears that this is where Beth is right now. I pray that God protects her and your loved ones as well, while they go through this darkness. 

Nurse Jackie

Beth saved an old woman's life last night. She heard the woman get up several times and did not like the way she looked. Beth checked her sugar which was high and her temperature which was normal. Beth woke up G (her patient's son). They continued to keep an eye on Mrs. L. She got agitated and confused with some difficulty in breathing. Beth called 911. The EMT's told them that Mrs. L would not have made it through the night without this intervention.

I think that an important part of recovery is the self worth that comes from helping others. The EMT's and G acknowledged Beth for saving a life. The Dad and I both told her that she had done an amazing and good deed.

Both my mother in law and my mother who recently passed away were nurses. Maybe they are helping Beth channel some of their healing powers. God Bless the nurses and even the nurse Jackies of this world.

Lunch With Beth

Beth had lunch with her Dad today. She showed up at his office. They went to lunch and he took her to the mall to pick up her glasses. She has agreed to stay with a woman during the day who has alzheimers. In exchange for this caregiving, the woman's son who is my age is giving her an old car. It will be in her name next week.

There were no requests for money and no erratic behaviour this time.

I am making a short trip to Florida to see my fairy- God- mother aunt. She is my mother's sister. She always flew in and treated us like magic so we called her the fairy- God- mother aunt. It is just for a long weekend.

Mom Died on This Day One Year Ago

     This was the day one year ago that I got word of my mother's death. I am glad I went to see her 3 times during her last illness. She was in Florida and I was in NJ working full time. We knew it was serious but we thought she would live longer than she did. She had end stage heart disease.

  It seems as though all of the sudden, we are so much more alone. We always lived near and were involved with our families. Although my parents wintered in Florida, they spent the rest of the year within walking distance of us. My husband's parents lived right next to us as did his sister. My mother died and both of my in-laws died in the last two years. My sister- in - law has her house for sale and spends the winter in Arizona. She had also lived on the same block.

Actually, I am relieved that this is the end of the day on Feb 26th. Ever since I got the hospice card at the beginning of the month marking this milestone in my life I have been uneasy about this day.

I will start over again tomorrow and try to pull myself up. Today I gave in to the wallowing. I remember my mother saying.....let the dead bury the dead and move on with your life. Tomorrow I will try.


  

And So It Goes

Well, it took me about three days to get back to normal after my last visit with Beth.


 Apparently she was a little shook up by the entire affair as she has texted various times to apologize and to say she is working on getting into an outpatient program. On the other hand she is still not willing to attend AA or NA meetings unless they are part of the outpatient program and at the same time. She will not waste any of her other time on that. By the way, one of her friends has promised to buy her a car.

DH says that she is stringing me along by making statements that she knows are not true to give me hope. That sounds about right to me.

Anyhow, we are painting the family room and kitchen so we are living in a huge mess. My classes are doing well. The students are learning a lot and I enjoy being with them. It is my great fortune to have a professional interest which is also a hobby and gives me a little extra spending money.

 My youngest is thinking about applying to graduate school in Tampa. My husband is talking about retirement. And so it goes, life goes on.

Cried Too Many Tears

I took Beth to social services on Friday. We had a confrontation over the same old things but it set me into a crying jag that lasted for most of the weekend. I thought I was past that kind of behavior but I guess you might call it a codependent relapse.

For some strange reason I thought that she could just act normal for an hour or so but that was not to be. She got into my car with a young man in tow. He was very polite had a handsome face, multiple tatoos and blown off front teeth. So many crack addicts look that way but not usually polite in my experience.  Beth smelled bad and started needling me about how she needs a car about three minutes into the encounter.

At some point, after being bossed around and then having them tell me how they were not using drugs I just lost it. I said that the constricted pupils, bad smells and the terrible rush to be left off in a drug zone were pretty good clues and that I resented being treated like a stupid idiot. I am not 10 minutes but more like 10 years into this hell hole of a life and I am not good at pretending I do not see what I see. I told Beth that she had ruined my life. Then I cried to the point that I should not have been driving and then the guilt set in. I told her the only thing more painful than seeing her this way would be to have her dead. She said but dead would only hurt for a little while. I said, and that is where you are wrong. My whole life is ruined one way or the other unless you stop.

I know that I am supposed to rise above this and that many times I have but this weekend I could not.

Via e mail I found out that Beth has been talking to the married son of one of my best friends. He wrote to tell me that she seems clean but is sad as she does not have a car or money. She is manipulating him and he is getting sucked in. He used to care for her back when she was beautiful and accomplished. I had to tell him  the truth which deeply humiliated me. Why am I humiliated by her disease or her choices? What is he doing trying to rescue her and tell me what she needs when he has not seen her in over 6 years?

It is also very near the anniversary of my Mother's death. My grief has increased this month instead of decreasing. Maybe that is just an anniversary thing.

On Saturday Beth texted me that she would do a 90 day outpatient program but she is just talking not doing anything at this point.

I think that next time she needs to go somewhere I will send a cab or have her take the senior and disabled bus though she refuses. Sorry to be such a downer. So much for my so called strength.