My Dad called and put my sisters on speaker phone. He explained that the Dr. said there was no hope for my mom. He had performed an emergency operation on her groin to remove the blood clot and put in a screen after she was rushed to the hospital in screaming pain. Three time the Dr. removed the clots and three times they formed again. She has clots in both her veins and arteries in both legs. Dad said if they amputate her legs she will only survive a little longer or maybe not at all. Her heart is too weak to withstand a surgery.
After this desparate conversation I tried to get another flight to Florida. It was very hard to fine because of President's day weekend. DH wanted to come with me in spite of his recent foot surgery. I am glad he did as his compassion and sense of humor helped me compose myself time after time.
On Sunday Dr. P told us that Mom had a 80 percent chance of recovery with an amputation of her right leg. We convinced her to do it eventhough she was reluctant. The right leg was going to kill her if it was not amputated. There was no circulation and gangrene was setting in. Dad said he could help her learn to use a prostethis. He did not want her to die. He would take her home and take care of her. He told her the other leg was getting better. She said, no, it is getting worse. In the end, she went with hope and the amputation.
It worked for about one hour. For about one hour she was in less pain and more alert.The Dr's said she was getting better. I flew back home only to find out that the other leg is bad and her kidneys are failing. she was transferred to a hospice center where at this point she is mostly asleep. My sister took family leave until Wed. I will go back when she leaves or sooner if they tell me she is dying that day. I am a wreck. The pain comes and goes in waves. I do not want my Dad to be alone when she dies so I am waiting my turn but I WISH i had stayed. It keeps changing back and forth.
As my husband says, we were so tired, exhuasted and confused that we could hardly put our socks on. Then they come at us with contradictory and constantly changing information expecting us to make life and death decisions. I pray we have done right by her. She is resting comfortably now.
My father is by her side constantly. He has been very devoted. Everyone said there goodbyes. She had no unfinished buisiness. We have all long ago put aside any differences that we had. One good thing she got from having a bad heart for 24 years was that we all treated her well. We always knew that this time might be the last time.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago