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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Bipolar Disorder

FYI:   Sixty percent of people with bipolar disorder are too sick to work because of their illness.

            It is just like arthritis or heart disease in that some people live quite normal lives with it while others are very debilitated. I got this information from medical research reviewed by Amador who is a psychiatrist who works extensively on chronic and severe mental illness.

Sixty percent seems like a lot to me and that is without the complication of addiction.  If you have bipolar and you are up and functioning that is great but many others are not that lucky. Do cancer survivors say " I survived cancer so if you do not then your mother is doing something wrong? "  

Friday, March 26, 2010


Please tell me your experiences with trying to keep a roof over your addict's head. I am seriously contemplating putting my addict up in a rooming house. I do not think that it will cure her but I am not convinced that it will make her worse.

It might make me feel a little better to know where to look for her when I think she is dead. Years ago I thought that she would get better if I just took the hard line of no enabling. I did that and not just for a few days but for months and even years. After  5 or 6 rehabs she is no better. IN fact, she is much worse.

She will not pay her rent instead of taking drugs. She will definitely get her drugs first. Years ago, I decided that I would give the tough love, no enabling thing a chance but that if it did not work i would by her a trailer somewhere and let her just live her choices after that. Isn't that what we do when our loved ones are dying? Don't we make them as comfortable as possible? Anyhow, I am not suggesting the taj majal. Just shelter.
I would find a month to month lease in a very small, next to public transportation and work kind of place.It looks like it would cost about 5000 per year. I would never give her money. I would only pay the land lord.

Tell me how this went for you if you tried it. How was it better?  How was it worse?

Please do not judge me too harshly. I am tired. I want some of my own life back.

The parents group for the National Alliance for the Mentally ill believes in choices and boundaries but they caution against putting a mentally ill person on the street if there is any way around it. They say that this leads to death, victimization of the mentally ill, attacks on others by the mentally ill and much sufferring on the families of the mentally ill.  My daughter is mentally ill. She was born that way. I saw it long before she got into drugs. Now she is a drug addict as well. It looks hopeless to me and I am pretty much ready to take the harm reduction path.

If putting your kid out would scare them into behaving in the course of  six months to a year then they are not as far gone or crazy as my kid. I live in fear. She loves to take risks. It is part of her bipolar disorder. I just want to lessen the drama even though it will cost me financially. I would rather work another 5 years than endure her homelessness. I would not even consider this if I thought she had any chance of recovery other than a miracle.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Twisted Thoughts

  Today my daughter called me to say that she was going to kill herself tonight. She was upset that she lost her driver's licence and upset that I told her to find out where the fine had to go. She wanted me to use her money to pay the fine and I had agreed to that but I wanted her to find out the rest.

She also said that she wanted to be cremated. I felt that it was mostly anger as she was cursing up a storm at me. Anyhow, I caved and called her back saying that I would take care of the fine. She said it is not just that. She is tired of living. She can't stand to be without her family. She wants to come home. She hates AA and NA. She is clean. She cried and cried and said that she is so lonely and so alone.

I said that she has to decide to live. The drugs are just a way of killing herself. I said that the drugs keep kicking the crap out of her just like an abusive boyfriend. ............I know it doesn't feel like it but I do love you and I always will. Please tell me where you are and I will send an ambulance.

I told her that I still offer her Phoenix House. She said in Rhode ISland?  I said ..... yeah it is good weather now in Rhode Island. It is not all NA and AA. You live and work there. There is hope in that and there is hope in methadone.  I said that I still believe in her. That I still think she can put this life behind her and have many good years ahead.  Please think about it and I will pray for you.

She said that no one would take her home from NA. She said that people refused to talk to her after she relapsed. She said she loved me and I said I loved her. Take care, I said....... and she hung up.

Now I wait. ...... This is a mentally ill and drug addicted person who has just come off a major binge and has been off meds for several weeks at least. An addict is very hard to cope with. A mentally ill person is very hard to cope with. Put them both together and there is my Beth.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Contact !

  Beth called her Dad.  Praise God and all your prayers! Where there is life there is hope.

It took a lot out of us to think that she was dead.   We are fully aware that she was on a run and or manipulating us but it did take it's tole.

She did not have a good explanation. She did not ask for money yet but did mumble some half of an apology and promise to get back in touch soon. Dh told her that we thought she was dead.

I had an important meeting which I was just on my way to attend when she called. I cried my eyes out on the way over there. That is the way it is for me. I hold strong most of the time until the situation is somehow resolved, then I cry uncontrollably.

I left a message for the detective. I will call him again tommorrow to thank him. I think that knowing that the police were looking for her might have flushed her out faster. An active addict does not want the police after them that is for sure.

I do not feel very strong right now. I am just greatful to all of you and greatful that she still lives to try another day.

Take care,

Friday, March 19, 2010

Missing Person Report Filed

     I have filed a missing persons report with the police in Delray,Florida. They tell me that she has not been arrested nor found dead down there. A detective is making the rounds though there is not much to go by.

Aren't they supposed to be able to locate a person's cell phone?  Her's is still active though it has not been used.

Any suggestions?

The officer was nice. He says this happens all the time and she will probably show up. They will match data all over the country so there is a good chance that she is alive. There were no matches.

He said that most likely someone is supplying her and that is why she does not call but he has started looking. I do appeciate that much. The police down there are sick and tired of all the half way houses and drama that comes from them.

We looked back over old emails and found the name of a man she was with a few weeks ago so maybe that will lead to something.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


How do I delete a reply that i made to someone else's blog?  I now regret putting too much info out there.....

Not using her phone

No word from Beth for two weeks tomorrow. DH checked the cell phone minutes and she does not appear to be using the phone. She is probably on one of her missions. The phone goes when she is on a bender. We have no address for her and now no phone either. She calls this a mission.

At what point should I call the police?  What can I say to them anyhow? Can you find my daughter the heroine addict that is not allowed to live in my house?

The funny thing is that I used to pace the floor waiting for my kids or husband to come home. I would make myself wait until they were 15 minutes late. Then, I would pace and worry. The cell phone helped a lot because I could call.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Monday Monday

     Warning: I am feeling sorry for myself today.

      I woke up super early and could not get back to sleep so I went to work about 2 hours early. We have not heard from Beth in over a week and it is at this point that I really start to worry about her. I have no peace of mind when I do not know where she is or how she is. Last I heard she found a bunch of roomates and it was only supposed to cost 350 a month to keep this roof over her head.

   I confess that I am seriously thinking of footing this Bill. Shelter for about 4000 a year might be worth it to me. At this point, I torture myself with thoughts of her being on the street and exploited.

Do I really know that she is capable of change?  What if she is not capable and I am holding her responsible. That would make me a bad mother and a bad person. On the other hand, is the whole enabling thing. I have not seen her try very hard or very long and that is why I have chosen my current course which is not enabling and really distancing myself for self preservation.

I am so afraid for her. Afraid of her death or continued destruction. Afraid for her to die and also afraid for her to go on living like this. She is happy when she is high but incredibly miserable when she is not.

Well, I warned you that positive thinking alludes me today. Please feel free to comment.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Well, I am glad that this particular work week is over.  Friday was the first time I sat down for lunch. The rest of the week it was just run run run.  Looking forward to a weekend where I do one thing at a time. No multi-tasking allowed!

Dear Only Son announced today that he might want to study computers at the local college. I hope he does as it seems to his father and I that this would suit him. He does a lot for us in various family businesses whenever we need trouble shooting, set up or installation and do not know how to do it ourselves. DOS is a little afraid of college as he struggled a lot in high school. His ADD was a big issue in high school but he did graduate and pass the high school proficiency test by a wide margin. He has been working for a few years now in retail. He has just turned 23 and is finally understanding that he needs a particular skill.

I am looking forward to having dinner out on Saturday with some teacher friends of mine. We have been doing this for over 20 years. We go out for each others birthdays. The birthday girl gets to pick the restaurant and not pay. We usually pick a restaurant with waiters. It is nice to have men wait on us.It does not happen to us very much on a regular basis. I guess this is part of being from the over 50 crowd.

Hope you all have a good weekend with some adventures and some relaxation.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Good Day

     Had a good day today. I met with the head honcho at work. He wants me to help with a special project so he was very nice. He said how I had made real strides with the kids I work with. He says I have helped him understand their needs a lot better. Soooooooo, maybe I will be somewhat valued for my contributions here. It would be nice. And even if they just act nice, well that is half the battle!

I really expected to get blasted at that meeting as test scores were discussed. These kids do poorly on standardized tests under the best of circumstances. There are several areas that we can improve that should lead to improvement. Little things like actual instructional materials, books, and being placed in the proper classes.

See you later!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Yeah Yeah Yeah The Beatles

     I went to a Beatles Tribute Band concert on Sunday afternoon. It was a blast. They played all audience requests. They did not look like the Beatles but the sound was awesome! DD2 came with us. She loves the Beatles as much as we do. My son stayed home because he was not in the mood after just breaking up with his first girlfriend. He said the Beatles are for when you are in love. The Stones are for when you are not.

I saw a friend of ours there. She is a very good, compassionate teacher. Her only child an addict has walked this road for about 6 years now. She is a good role model for me in that she keeps very busy. She also filled her empty house with puppies which I do not have the energy to emulate. It does fill her house with activity and love.
Some of the people in the front of the stadium got the whole crowd up and dancing. My friend was one of the first ones. I thought wow there it is happening. She is dancing with joy. She is at this moment separated from the pain and enjoying the moment. God Bless her and her addict. God Bless you and yours too.