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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Can one of you send my request to fractalmom?

I used to read fractalmom's blog DHAM.  For some reason, I can't get in anymore. Fractalmom, please invite me.

Where is she now?

    We got a call from my sister in law this mornng that my husband's father is dying. He is 96 and has been dying molecule by molecule for the last three years. I asked Will if he wanted to go home. He said that there is nothing we can do. It is strange but I agree with him. In fact he may be no worse than we have seen him many times when his sister was in Arizona for the last few months and we were home. He goes through days of withdrawal just like hospice said he would. He looks so dead that we keep trying to wake him up and he gets irritated. then, out of nowhere the poor guy will have a good day. He sits up, acts interested, smiles and laughs at what we tell him. God bless him and how he has always stood by his family.

Where is Beth. I don't really know. She does not answer the old phone number at the treatment center. I assume she has gone to the halfway house as all was arranged. There ought to be a law about letting someone out of treatment on New Years Eve!

Anyhow, there is a phone there and she can call me. I will not call the halfway house looking for her like I have always done before. Either, she does not need me or she did not arrive. Either is possible and there is nothing I can do about either one.

I would die for her , instead of her if it would cure her. Alas, that is not an option.

The day I brought her home from the hospital was the happiest day of my life. I thought I would never have children, and when a former student of mine was giving birth and looking for a family I believed it was a true ture miracle.

I feel so guilty that all of this happened. Sometimes I think I feel more guilty because we adopted her. I am sure her birth mother picked us as she thought we could give Beth a better life than she could. We sure did try .............

Actually, she had a very happy childhood and she remembers it well. Many of the kids I see at school who are troubled do not seem to be having a happy childhood at all so I am greatful that we had 16 good years before the chaos started.

Well, now I intend to put this all on the back burner and have the best possible time for New YEar's Eve that I can make happen. (My therapist told me that I just have to shift my attention to other things.)  (Sometimes it actually works sometimes it does not.)    We are going to a murder mystery/dinner theatre show followed by dancing at a fancy Hotel. Our youngest daughter S is coming with us. She is 21. She is a joy and a comfort to us. I can't believe my luck that she still likes hanging out with us.  Not all of the time.... she certainly has a life of her own as evidenced by at least 35 texts per day..... but often. We laugh, we cry, but mostly we have a good time. God help me to appreciate the wonder of normal!

Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

out by new years

Well, she will be out by new years. We are not sure of the date yet but it is real soon. I pray for the best and try to let it go.

Why oh why could they not encourage her to go to a longer term program. I had a few lined up. She was in agreement for about a week........

Beth called her Dad to talk about seeing the movie Avatar. She sounded perfectly normal. Sometimes she sounds perfectly normal.

I am greatful to all of you for  your comments and caring.


Sunday, December 27, 2009


Thanks to all of you for listening and commenting. I feel a little better today. My husband, youngest daughter and I flew to Arizona on Dec. 25. The trip was long but uneventful. Now we are out here with the cowboys in the  wild wild west.

My sister in law lent us her house and car just south of Tucson. My husband's family has been steadfast throughout this whole ordeal. They have never blamed us for Beth's addiction. They have always treated her kindly and given her every opportunity to start over.

At one point Beth lived in an apartment above their garage. She was very hostile to my husband and I  at that time. We thought and the Doctors told us that she had had a mental breakdown. It is interesting to note that they treated her for psychiatric problems but did not drug test her.

As it turns out she was dabbling with perscription drugs , marijuana and alchohol from the age of 16 onwards.
The rape occured when she snuck out of the house to party with some people she did not know well. They slipped her some kind of a drug and raped her. She has never really talked about it in detail. She has had the opportunity in therapy but says she does not remember much that the drug paralized her.  She never said a word about it until 4 years after the fact. In fact, it came out the first time she went to rehab.

At this point she seems to stay in rehab. The problem is that they are not set up for more than 30 days. No matter what they say or advertise it ends up being 30 days. They are very very good at getting the addicts turned around and positive that they can succeed. I just wish they would keep them longer.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

here we go again

I just talked with the couselor at the treatment center. Her 30 days are just about out. In spite of promises from the addict, treatment center and the insurance company..........out she goes in 30 days.

It is soooo frustrating. I know she needs more time. She has a boyfriend lined up again and is chomping at the bit to get out again. I have done this so many times. I am angry, frustrated and scared to death.

20 some days ago she was almost dead from heroine, crack, getting beat up by a dealer and then getting beat up again by her boyfriend. She promised me she would go to a long term center if I could just get her in someplace on Thanksgiving day. I did. The center promised to encouragae her to go to Phoenix house which is long term. They did not keep their promise. Neither did the addict. Eventhough they advertise as 90 days there is no one there for more than 30 except one guy who is court ordered for 6 months.

I sounded like a bitch on the phone and then I cried my eyes out. I don't want her to die, I don't wnat her to jerk me around, I want so much to believe that it is all true but I just don't anymore.

I said I would not answer the phone if she leaves the halfway house that I just put 10000 dollars out for with the new boyfriend that she denies is the boyfriend.

The addict is my 24 year old daughter, Beth. She is bipolar with PTSD from a gang rape. She was beautiful, she was adored, she was talented, smart and good in everything she did. I still do not know how we came to this.

Alanon tells me to let go. The mental health advocates (NAMI) tells me to hang on.

Merry Christmas!