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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Her Car Died!

The Toyota that she paid three thousand dollars for in July just died! It was leaking oil fast, went into a death rattle and just stopped. My mechanic says a rebuilt engine might be the way to go. Yikes........

She was a hysterical mess waiting for the car to be towed away. She was tearful, mean and tapping her feet agitated all at the same time. I think they call this a mixed state. She checked the oil frequently so when the noise started, she did not think it was low on oil and kept driving a short way. Then it stopped.

Funny thing is, when the mechanic confirmed that it is a goner she took it well. I guess the anticipation of this problem bothered her more than the problem itself.

Now, we will see how this situation is resolved.  This is a semi rural area so there is really no public transportation where she live. Busses are few and far between even here in town.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Night

     I am very greatful to have all of my grown children with me this Christmas. All in all the holiday went well in spite of the mine fields we had to side step thoughout the process. Beth came to two family dinners. The first one she arrived late and left early. We agree that this is not a big deal. She comes and goes as she pleases to adjust for her anxiety attacks. If she feels good, she stays if she feels bad she is free to go home or go to another room to rest. This approach has helped her a lot. She comes to more family gatherings this way though she does not usually stay very long.

Tonight , she arrived with a big bag of Christmas presents in toe. She sat and chatted with her sister and boyfriend at length, she greeted everyone and seemed greatful to be included. She gave out her presents and thanked her aunt for including her in the festivities. This is big progress for her. It also means that Christmas happened to catch her on a good day for her mental issues. Crowds give her anxiety. Even family gatherings give her anxiety.

Beth gave her brother a present. He acted like a jerk. He did not say thank you and he did not give her anything. He has totally disowned her. If not for the fact that I will not let him live with me if he will not say hello and goodbye to her he would not do that either. This is disturbing to me though I certainly aknowledge that her addiction nearly distroyed our entire family. She did horrible things and we all suffered. I have talked to my son about this many times. I want him to forgive if not forget and to be her brother again. We even went to a family therapist who said that it was his choice to cut her off. According to the counselor that we paid for such sage advice, siblings do not have the same kind of love as parents to children and that is ok.

I do not think that this rejection is ok. I pray that one day he has the compassion towards his sister that he seems to have for his friends.Last year, he would not have stayed in the same room with her so there is some miniscule progress there.  It was our first Christmas all toghether in 5 years. It was our first Christmas without POP POP. I can't help thinking that some of the progress that has been made is due to POP POP up there in heaven doing his best to lobby for us and get some of this mess straightened out. He always wanted the best for us. He told me that he thought we were very good parents. He could not understand the trouble that we had with Beth and sometimes our boy. That was kind of him.

My younger daughter brought her boyfriend with her. He seems like a nice young man. They were delightful to be around and also very kind to Beth. As the evening went on we held back some tears for POP POP, we were greatful for the progress we see in Beth and we laughed and laughed over some good shared memories. The food was great, the house was beautiful and we shared memories from many many happier times that we have had together. All in all I would say that it was good.

Merry Chritmas to all and to all a good night.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dead at 58

My good friend Cathy died on Wednesday morning of pancreatic cancer which had spread all over. She was surrounded by her family and friends. She was kept comfortable during the last days in the ICU. They did not try to prolong her life. They just kept her comfortable. She did not seem afraid or distressed.

This death had affected me greatly. I have difficulty sleeping and am tearful off and on throughout the days. It progressed in only a few months. She was totally destroyed in body but not in spirit or mind.

She was always on my side. I will miss her so very much.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Life Goes On

A very good friend of mine is in the ICU. She has pancreatic cancer and they say she has less than a week to live. She is handling this with great dignity and even occasional humor. I am in awe of her. We have had a lot of fun times together and her friendship has made the hard times easier.

What a devastating disease this is! She is literally a skeleton. A few months ago she was the picture of health.

I got a message on my facebook from Beth's birth mother. She wanted to thank me and tell me how her life has gone since she gave up Beth for adoption when she the birth mother was only 13 years old. apparently Beth never did talk to her. I thought she had. Also, she does not seem to know the trouble that Beth has seen in spite of the fact that this is a pretty small town.

Wow, it was a surprise as I have not heard from her in 25 years. I wonder if contact with her would help or hurt Beth.....  I know that Beth has felt a tremendous sense of rejection and abandonment around the issue of her adoption. No matter how nicely and we have put it nicely the child still feels abandoned. I don't know why this came as such a surprise to us but it did. An adopted child misses their natural parents. Of course they do no matter how good you treat them. It is not their fault. It just is what it is.............

The birth mother tells me that she is about to graduate from nursing school. She will understand if I do not reply as she does not wish to intrude if Beth does not know about her. Beth has always known and always felt different because of it. It might have been better if she did not know but we thought it was best not to keep secrets. She must be about 38 years old by now. I wonder if there is any family history that could shed some light on Beth's mental problems.

I am being very careful what I say to her as I feel that it is Beth's perogative and not mine to share or not share the details of her life with others.