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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Was that a ghost or just the smallest glimmer of maturity or was it just a good day in a bad disease?

Today I saw Beth for the first time in about a month. I have kept my distance since she dropped out of her intensive outpatient program. She did not attempt to decieve me about dropping out eventhough I was giving her 15 dollars a week extra to pay her sliding scale fees. That was quite surprising as  was the reports I have heard from others in recovery that she is attending NA meetings even after leaving the outpatient program.

Beth had called my sister in law expressing an interest in her Nana's paintings. Her Nana died two years ago but my sister in law is just now looking at the paintings and deciding what to do with them. My dear mother in law painted astonishingly large subjects in vibrant colors that just shouted life, color, boldness. Many of her paintings are a little too bold for our living rooms but Beth had no such qualms. She went home with a trunk load of paintings and sculptures which we did not understand but that delighted her. She and her Nana used to spend hours and hours in the art studio. They and they alone shared this passion for art. It was a special bond between them.

Today, anyone who did not know that Beth has been devasted by her mental illness, addictions, bad luck and bad decisions would have thought that she was a lovely young woman. She was polite and well spoken. Her attire was neat and appropriate.

When we were driving to McDonald's after her haircut she admonished me for talking on the cell phone while driving. First she said that it was against the law. Then, she stated oh so quietly that a big fine was attached to that behavior. Last, she noted that it made her nervous as it was a dangerous thing to do. She, of course was right but I had to laugh at the role reversal. My thrill seeking, anything goes, you can't scare me cause I want to die daughter wanted me to be careful!

It gave me hope and I thought that I might be being a little to rough on her. Then, she started collecting all the change from my car for the laundry mat. As she reached across the car to get the last quarter her swollen bruised vein at the top of her hand caught my eye. She must have noticed a change in my expression as she said " I see you are in a hurry but I am almost done."

" Yep, I have to get back home now, got some more work to do there that needs doing."  Off I drove pondering how she looked so good. How her rash was gone. How she seemed so perfect for about an hour.


  1. what a WONDERFUL hopeful post. cherish every moment....
    I hope you took a picture of this moment..
    and I will pray it's a step towards maturity.

  2. Oh gosh.....this made me cry. First of all I have missed you here in our blogger world. I know this so well. A good day, a beautiful good perfect day filled with hope and filled with loss at all the time that has NOT been like that one day. And that vein, that one little glimpse that tilts everything back into the world of the unknown for a mama who works so hard to let go of her sick child.
    So glad you posted. I am so glad you had this beautiful day. Those are gifts. ((HUG))

    1. And you made me cry, Annette. You understand me and I am greatful for that understanding.