Follow by Email


Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Where the Hell is Bottom?

My sweet friend who never touches alcohol and has been dealing with a schizophrenic crack addicted daughter for 25 years asked, "Where the hell is bottom?"  She told me that her 40 something adult child had been thrown out of a speeding car because she could not pay a drug debt and it was not bottom. Neither was living in a rat infested apartment, prostitution, nor seeing multiple friends die.

That was about 7years ago right after Beth's first rehab attempt. Here is a list of some of the situation that were not bottom for Beth.

1.  Loosing her car.
2. Loosing her ability to work.
3. Loosing her fiance.
4. Seeing many of her friends die from overdose, suicide, car accidents all related to drugs.
5. Breaking her back in her own one person car accident while tring to detox at home alone from heroine. (She did not tell anyone she was doing this.)
6. Being gang raped.
7. Being homeless for one year while the family said it is either rehab or the streets. She chose the streets.
8. Mulitiple suicide attempts.
9. Multiple stays in mental institutions.

The family has tried unconditional love, bribery, begging, alanon, paying for rehabs and half way houses, tough love, no contact, very little contact, anger, depression, desparate pleading, detachment, semi detachment and a few more I do not remember.

It has been 11 years since this started when she was 16 with bizarre behavior. Her addiction started the next year but she was able to hide it and appear to be a super star until her second year in college when all hell broke loose.

Our other children have scattered. The family we put above all else is mostly gone. We face the empty nest. In the past 2 years I have lost 10 people that I loved and saw each week to death, or relocation or addiction. Thank God my other two children are ok and keep in touch.

So, we decided to follow the sun last winter and ended up buying a new home in Florida. We will spend most of our time there. The two healthy grown children are pretty happy about it. They wil visit, call and they know we are only a 2 hour plane ride away. Beth cries, and says how can you leave me. I do feel guilty but the fact is that being so far away feels just a little bit better regarding her situation. It takes the edge off the pain like when you get nitrous at the dentists office. The pain is still there, but you just feel more detached from it.

Beth has her own little place and a boyfriend now who does his level best to keep her sober with varying degrees of success. I pay her bills from disbility which she recieves as her bipolar disorder makes her unable to work. Yes, they are sure she really has it because it started before the drugs and she had some severe episodes while she was in patient rehab being drug tested twice a day. She was clean but still manic. Anyhow that little bit of money that she gets just pays for necessities. It never goes to drugs or frivolities. So, she has a roof over her head, a boyfriend that loves her and a family that loves her eventhough there is a lot of angst involved. She punishes herself more than she punishes us and we try to live in the light in spite of all.

This pain is like someone has ripped off my leg. So, I have had to look at this mangled body that is my life and decide to learn to get along and even be happy with one leg. Some days I really can do it. Other days I still wonder.........Where the hell is bottom?



  1. I wish I could tell you. My journey is now going on 14 years.I think we are on the 14th rehab. I am raising two kids. I'm turning 58 this year. I'm tired all the time. There isn't any money left, and, no caring either. Just don't.... care. Maybe that's my bottom. Its not my fault, and I'm tired of dealing with it, and all the aassociated b.s. I'll raise her kids and be civil. That's about it. The rest of the family are still close and functional.

    1. Thanks Dawn, it is something that turned out right that the rest of your family is close and functional. A lot of famlies have big rifts over chicken shit.

  2. I suppose it's when the alcoholic/addict has given up hope and completely surrenders. I hope that you find some peace in your new home. Having some distance from the situation can help.

  3. Anna, I have read your posts about your daughter's mental health issues and I cannot but wonder if what you are seeing is Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Bipolar Disorder. Borderlines are very self-destructive, attention seeking and self-medicate with drugs. It is just a thought. Keep writing. I once had a blog called "Child Lost" which I retired a few years back. Hugs.

  4. Anna I too ask this same question..For some there is no bottom..But there is always hope..We struggle everyday with the same issues you & your family are struggling with..Keep blogging..It has helped me..even if no one reads it..It gives me solace in putting pen to paper..Getting it out..It is also hopefully a tool for me in seeing my progress..In letting go..The one hardest thing I had to do in my life!! Huggs