We got a call from my sister in law this mornng that my husband's father is dying. He is 96 and has been dying molecule by molecule for the last three years. I asked Will if he wanted to go home. He said that there is nothing we can do. It is strange but I agree with him. In fact he may be no worse than we have seen him many times when his sister was in Arizona for the last few months and we were home. He goes through days of withdrawal just like hospice said he would. He looks so dead that we keep trying to wake him up and he gets irritated. then, out of nowhere the poor guy will have a good day. He sits up, acts interested, smiles and laughs at what we tell him. God bless him and how he has always stood by his family.
Where is Beth. I don't really know. She does not answer the old phone number at the treatment center. I assume she has gone to the halfway house as all was arranged. There ought to be a law about letting someone out of treatment on New Years Eve!
Anyhow, there is a phone there and she can call me. I will not call the halfway house looking for her like I have always done before. Either, she does not need me or she did not arrive. Either is possible and there is nothing I can do about either one.
I would die for her , instead of her if it would cure her. Alas, that is not an option.
The day I brought her home from the hospital was the happiest day of my life. I thought I would never have children, and when a former student of mine was giving birth and looking for a family I believed it was a true ture miracle.
I feel so guilty that all of this happened. Sometimes I think I feel more guilty because we adopted her. I am sure her birth mother picked us as she thought we could give Beth a better life than she could. We sure did try .............
Actually, she had a very happy childhood and she remembers it well. Many of the kids I see at school who are troubled do not seem to be having a happy childhood at all so I am greatful that we had 16 good years before the chaos started.
Well, now I intend to put this all on the back burner and have the best possible time for New YEar's Eve that I can make happen. (My therapist told me that I just have to shift my attention to other things.) (Sometimes it actually works sometimes it does not.) We are going to a murder mystery/dinner theatre show followed by dancing at a fancy Hotel. Our youngest daughter S is coming with us. She is 21. She is a joy and a comfort to us. I can't believe my luck that she still likes hanging out with us. Not all of the time.... she certainly has a life of her own as evidenced by at least 35 texts per day..... but often. We laugh, we cry, but mostly we have a good time. God help me to appreciate the wonder of normal!
Happy New Year!
On Being Afraid
1 month ago