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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

here we go again

I just talked with the couselor at the treatment center. Her 30 days are just about out. In spite of promises from the addict, treatment center and the insurance company..........out she goes in 30 days.

It is soooo frustrating. I know she needs more time. She has a boyfriend lined up again and is chomping at the bit to get out again. I have done this so many times. I am angry, frustrated and scared to death.

20 some days ago she was almost dead from heroine, crack, getting beat up by a dealer and then getting beat up again by her boyfriend. She promised me she would go to a long term center if I could just get her in someplace on Thanksgiving day. I did. The center promised to encouragae her to go to Phoenix house which is long term. They did not keep their promise. Neither did the addict. Eventhough they advertise as 90 days there is no one there for more than 30 except one guy who is court ordered for 6 months.

I sounded like a bitch on the phone and then I cried my eyes out. I don't want her to die, I don't wnat her to jerk me around, I want so much to believe that it is all true but I just don't anymore.

I said I would not answer the phone if she leaves the halfway house that I just put 10000 dollars out for with the new boyfriend that she denies is the boyfriend.

The addict is my 24 year old daughter, Beth. She is bipolar with PTSD from a gang rape. She was beautiful, she was adored, she was talented, smart and good in everything she did. I still do not know how we came to this.

Alanon tells me to let go. The mental health advocates (NAMI) tells me to hang on.

Merry Christmas!


  1. Oh Anna, I understand the dilemma. I got and still get mixed input from mental health officials and those in "program". I am so glad you have started a blog. You will find much strength and hope from having a safe place to vent, the good, the bad, the struggles and the successes. God bless you and I'll be back to read more. I have a feeling a lot of others will too! I hope you can find some moments of peace and calm today, and I will be praying for you, and Beth, your precious daughter!


  2. Anna, I am glad that I found you. First, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Please look for some calm and peaceful moments for yourself over this holiday.

    If at no other time of the year, this is the time for hope to fill our hearts as we pray for our loved ones/our addicts that are traveling such a dark road. I will be keeping you and Beth in my thoughts and my prayers.

  3. Thanks, I appreciate your encouragement and prayers. I called Beth back to say that I did not want to treat her mean. I am just sad and frustrated. She said she will be strong. I pray to God for this Christmas miracle. I am greatful tht she is alive. At least she is alive and now surrounded by people with hope and a program.Last month she was surrounded by users, using daily, beat up and in trouble with the law. That is a lot of good change in a month but I am scared to death right now. I will pray the serenity prayer many times today.

    Thanks for writing to me, Her Big Sad and thank you to Lisa as well.

  4. Nami will tell you one thing, Nar Anon will tell you something else...

    we will tell you many things, most of which you can take what you want from and leave the rest...

    but we will be here. we will listen. we will pray with you...and you can tell us anything at all.

  5. Anna, my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry your daughter has had to live through such a horrifying experience. I'm a rape survivor and talk to a lot of women about if she or you ever want to talk you can email me, and I have blog on that topic.

    My son is a heroin addict in rehab at Phoenix House for 90 days (court ordered). I am going to start going to NAMI soon because he also has a mental illness...but I want to ask Fractal Mom what she means by her comment.

    My heart aches for your daughter right now. I am so pissed off when I hear of rape - gang rape is the worst...its the heroin of rape, if you know what I mean, just like drugs, there are different kinds of rapes and ALL of them are horrific.

    I recognize all the people who commented above me, they've become my support system. We WILL be here for you. We're all in this sad boat together.

  6. I've got a loved one (my partner) who is a heroin addict (currently clean & sober, in recovery). I am glad that you are blogging and sharing your experiences. And I am very glad that you have found this community of bloggers. I've learned so much from all of the people who've commented so far. I'm still learning.
    You and your daughter are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

  7. My family is choc full of addicts. Some are the "high risk, put your life in danger, I don't care if I die type of addict", the kind of addicts that hard drugs produce. They are alive by the grace of God. They are all in recovery way after we thought there was no hope. If you are willing to spend more money on treatment centers, you may want to get your daughter out of south Florida. Some facilities are so remote that even an addict won't just walk out. All will tell you to hang on to hope and let go of having addiction control your life. For the worst of the worst, there is always hope.

  8. Anna, I hear you. ((HUG)) Glad you are here.

  9. You are right in the middle of the chaos of another drug drama. I can hear the panic, and I remember it so well. At some point, you will get so physically sick, emotionally tired, and/or spiritually spent that you will give up trying to fix the situation.

    Until then, you have a community of support of parents who are at the various stages of what is sure to be a very long road. Our blogs help us, and just the act of blogging helps. It helps you remember YOU are not insane. It just feels that way because of the lifestyle your child has chosen.

    It is never a good thing to have a boyfriend or girlfriend "waiting." Just sayin.' I could say more, but it's all just my opinion. You will find your way, and we are here to help.

  10. Welcome Anna! I'm a recovering alcoholic with a little over five years of sobriety. We're all here to help each other and to offer hope, when it feels like there isn't any left.

    As crazy as it sounds, we don't get sober until everyone else gets out of the way and we're forced to ask God to help us. It was that way with me and so many other girls I have talked to. Trusting that God has the power to save your daughter may be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

    My prayers are with you and your family. May God bring you day at a time.

  11. This sounds so familiar. My daughter's mental health professionals also told me the opposite of what Al-Anon taught me. It was very confusing. My heart goes out to you.

  12. Thanks for all your comments. Dear Fractalmom. Will you please invite me to your blog. I used to read it all the time but now that you have written me I do not seem to be able to get in.

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