Good Day By The Grace of God

Thank you for your kind support and comments on my last post. In spite of the fact that I was having a hard time sleeping last night, today was a good day. My son stayed with my husband all morning while I went to the university to teach my classes. The students and the atmosphere at the university just make me happy. It is a fantasy world of hope and youthful enthusiasms. I am so fortunate to have students that share my interests. I get a vicarious thrill by hearing about their adventures learning Spanish. One student is going to El Salvador with the engineering department to act as a translator in January. Another, spent the summer in Alicante Spain and yet another biked through Europe staying at youth hostels.

These kids are such a miracle of health, hard work and wonder. They are learning so much so quickly that it amazes me. I should have done this for my entire career but taught high school and then went into administration instead. The teaching part was very enjoyable but the administration part was shall we say anticlimactic.............

My son stayed with my husband all morning. DH said that DS was very kind and thoughtful. He has promised to look for another job after the xmas rush. He also insists that he will donate a kidney to his Dad. He says that he is better suited than me as he is younger and stronger. So..... one day we despair of him every taking any real responsibility in life and then he turns around to offer his kidney, take good nitty gritty personal hygiene  type care of his father. He also told me that he keeps throwing away offers for credit cards because he knows that he can not handle them.

This evening when DD2 came in she sat down to chat with her Dad and hold his hand for awhile. Then, she asked me to come and sing with her. I mostly listened. She has a beautiful alto voice. This is what I thought my life would be like..... filled with music, laughter, love and work that I enjoy. Well there are moments. Thank God for the moments. In Spanish they say that many people miss the moments of happiness in life while waiting for a state of complete contentment to arrive. (It sounds more poetic in Spanish but you get the point.)

Beth found her ride to the suboxone Dr. today. Imagine that! She acted like we had never had any words yesterday. I have every confidence in her being able to find transportation anyplace she wants to go.

Post Operative Blues

DH went in for an emergency hemoroidectomy on Tuesday. We thought that it would be a minor procedure. As it turned out he had to go back to the hospital several times as he was unable to urinate or have bowel movements. Eventhough he is very close to dialysis and has both high blood pressure and diabetes they just sent him home. I had to pick up some practical nursing skills fast!  He was not steady on his feet, hooked up to a catheter and in severe pain. His blood pressure went up and his sugar went down, he dehydrated in spite of all the fluids he was drinking. All in all it has been a miserable 6 days. At last, he seems to be getting some of his strength back and can get himself in and out of bed, to the bathroom etc. etc.

They sent him home before he had been able to urinate. Why are hospitals suddenly refusing to let very sick people stay? My sister got the same treatment recently. She is a heart patient that presented with severe angina caused from a misfiring thyroid. They sent her home and it took another two and a half months to deal with all of her problems on an outpatient basis. We all supposedly have good insurance!

Beth has declared herself clean for two months. I see no evidence of any truth to this story. She is pressuring me to use her money to buy her another car. This is a no win situation. When I think about releasing the money for that car, I see the mangled wreck she made of the last one. I do not want to put her in a death trap. I told her that she would have to be in a program and provide proof of sobriety for 90 days in order for me to release the money. I also told her to get a different rep payee as I do not want to do it anymore with her badgering me. She just sent me a text saying that she is loosing her mental stability from so much isolation. ( The large quantities of crack and heroine that she still injests have nothing to do with this mental instability.)

I really am very tired from caregiving 24/7 for the last week. My own acid reflux is making it hard to sleep. The neighbors have told me that they saw Beth walking in the worst drug area of our city. I have been literally cleaning up shit all week. Beth knows this but continues to badger. I turned off the phone for my own sanity but that makes me feel a different sort of anxiousness. I must toughen up and remember to see the good in the rest of my life.

My other two children have helped me a lot doing errands and cleaning up the kitchen. My sister and father have visited and lent a hand. I am greatful for them. In spite of all this misery, my husband and I have had some very sweet moments. He has an amazing ability to make me laugh even in such dire circumstances. Thank God for that.

We were supposed to go on a trip to PR this Saturday. We might still go if he gets the catheter out and is able to uriniate on Tuesday. It all depends on how he feels. We do not have to tour around. We could just lie in the sun and relax at the resort if he feels a little better.

On a more positive note when I was cleaning shit, I asked myself if I would rather do this or go back to work in the den of vipers. The answer is that I would much rather help my husband even if that means cleaning shit. As my Dad says about plumbing work........."there is shit work in every job but with plumbing you always know where the shit is coming from."

Texts, Lies and Family Drama

Many times she has lied to my face. Now she is putting it in writing. Beth texted me that she has been clean for two weeks now. She wanted to know if I was proud of her because it was hard. I said that I was proud and that anything worthwhile was bound to be very hard.


I did not tell her that I do not believe her. I also tried not to discourage her. I have been trying to mind my own business. In the past, I would usually list the evidence of her lack of sobriety. I did not want her to think that she was fooling me. It makes no difference.

Dear son is supposed to move out tommorrow. He is upset because his father and I want him to look for full time work. Mind you I said look not an ultimatum to find work,  just an ulimatum to look. He figures that since we still love Beth in spite of all her issues that we should see his situation as negligable.

His addiction is video games. That is all he wants to do. He is 23 years old soon to turn 24. He has a certificate in plumbing, heating and air conditioning. He will not use that certificate. He works part time in retail. He recently had an absessed tooth as he refulsed to see a dentist for a root canal. We would have paid but he simply refused to go. It makes no sense. Is he just misbehaving or is something more serious going on with him as well?          


                                                                                                                                                     He was the one I worried about as a child. He had attention deficit disorder and a lot of trouble in school. He totally rejects Beth and wants nothing to do with her. He says that he will move out tomorrow because he will not comply with our wishes for him to make a plan and look for full time work.


Since he refuses to talk to his father or me I wrote him a letter. I told him that I want him to sit down and talk these things out with us. I need him to make a plan and carry it out. I offered to help him with deposits for an apartment if he decides to go. I said that my love is unconditional and I still want him to come around and be part of the family. I said that when he does want to talk I will make it my first priority and that we only want what we think is best for him. We sometimes make mistakes but the mistakes are out of love.

We will see what happens tomorrow with dear husband and dear son. Dear husband says look for a job full time, talk to us and make a plan or move. I see my husband's point. I know my son has struggles, real struggles with his ADHD but he does waste 5 or 6 hours per day playing video games. A change needs to be made. Dear son does pay rent and his car insurance. We did that to motivate him but it did not work.  Why is change always so hard?

The youngest of my children is doing well in college and holding down a waitressing job at the same time. She sometimes makes herself sick by working too much. Each child is so different. One is very responsible and hard working. One is more than a little too laid back and then of course there is Beth. She was the shining star but now she is a five star addict.