Follow by Email


Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Back to Boundaries

     My sister-in-law had another Christmas dinner last night. I told Beth about it at the last minute because she had done so well at the last one and her Aunt was asking about her. The evening started out great. A few missing relatives were at this one who did not make it to the first dinner. Beth looked good but she sat alone with a far away look in her eyes.

      After awhile I noticed that she had served herself a glass of wine. I have never seen my daughter anywhere near drunk and disorderly which is quite amazing given all that has happened in the course of her multiple drug addictions. She got a little more talkative and relaxed but that was all. She helped entertain my nephews baby for a long time which was greatly appreciated by his parents and grandmother.

 As the evening proceeded there were some red flags like when she talked a little too loud and started using profanity with her teenaged cousins. Her uncle admonished her to watch her language and she quickly excused herself. My other daughter was visibly uncomfortable and irritated but I did not know until later that it was because Beth was trying to get her and her boyfriend to bring her refills so it would be less noticeable how much she was drinking.

Beth planned to spend the night at my house because she had a dentist appointment in the morning. She asked her father how he thought the evening went and he said he was pleased to see her spend so much time for the second night in a week involved positively with the family. She got all emotional saying that she was really trying. Then she spent the next 3 hours crying over her dead grandmother and expressing great remorse and shame for the life she has been leading.

It took me quite awhile to realize that she was pretty much enebriated. She talked about how hard it was for her and that it would be so much easier to die but no amount of using seemed to kill her. I said I appreciated that she expressed remorse and the way to make up for it was to step over the line and live a good life from here on in. That was then but this is now should be her motto. She went on and on. At first, it seemed like she was finally seeing the light but then it all changed.  I went from feeling a deep sense of compassion to a desire to escape the misery she was wallowing in. She kept eating and telling me how she was practically anorexic. She looks good not anorexic though she has lost weight. She also let it drop that she left her meds in her apartment. I offered to drive her out there and back but she said no, it would be fine to just do it first thing in the morning.

I did not want to wake up early and drive out to get her meds but I did not want to rock the boat. In the morning she said that she could not get up so I took my walk first with the plan of then taking her to her apt and bringing her back. When the time came, she refused to go and got quite hostile. She said that she had no intention of going back to her place, she just wanted to be left alone or she would just walk to her friends in town. I stated that our agreement was that I would take her in the morning because she needed her meds. In any event it was time for her to go. She screamed at me and stomped around but she went. I dropped her at her friend's house. About one hour later she called like nothing had happened wanting me to drive her to the dentist. I said that it was not ok for her to abuse me in the morning and then ask for favors an hour or so later.

It felt to me like all that drama was designed to make me feel pity for her but as soon as she realized that in spite of all that she could not spend the day on my couch she became hostile. She had left a big mess strewn all around her and a pile of the pajamas I had lent her thrown on top of her Dad's exercise bike. She had urinated on my pajamas, not cleaned it up and not mentioned it. Gross!

Soooo, the Christmas truce is over. I will confine my communications with her to Tuesdays as much as that is possible. The next time she comes to a family affair, I will ask her not to use alcohol at all. If she does, then I will leave quickly. We do not have alcohol at my house when she is there.

It just saddened and amazed me to see how she went from remorse for all the pain she has caused to demanding and surley the next morning then back to sweet and solicitous when she wanted a ride. I did not accomplish much for the rest of the day. I did refrain from discussing it with my husband as I felt that it had dominated my own thoughts for long enough by the time he got home this evening.



  1. Oh Anna, I hear you loud and clear.

  2. It's so asy to get sucked into the sympathy and pain. Then all it does to us is make us sad, anger and sorry all at the same time.

    I feel for you, been down that road too.

  3. Hmmm..substituting addictions. "I won't shoot up, I'll just (fill in blank) because that is not getting high." Been there, done that, and in fact still doing that..even though it has never worked before, and always leads back to the drug of choice. I had to make a boundary of NO alcohol drinking in my house. I won't condone or allow anything but total abstinence, because when I allow drinking, the addict starts pushing for Xanax or Klonopin (for their terrible anxiety). It's never enough. They will push and push to wear you down.

    You can make the rules at your house. The rest of the's their crapshoot. Like Annette, I hear ya;(

  4. Anna, I read this yesterday. It all feels like too much to bear sometimes. Keep your boundaries my dear. Praying for Beth, you and your family.

  5. Such a difficult situation to deal with! You did amazingly well though. Holding your ground at every step. She sounds so very bipolar in addition to being an addict.