Beth called last night to report that one of her friends died in a car accident. He was a bright and hard working boy. He drank. This time he was drinking and driving alone. He crashed his car all alone. She is very upset.
My husband went over there to watch a movie with her. She was crying about this boy and also very emotional over the pictures that my mother gave her from her childhood. I talked to her for awhile and then told her to call me again if she needs to. I think it is good that she is reaching out to me and her father in her distress instead of drugs. I think she has a tremendously difficult time feeling her intense emotions and that is a big part of her issues.
DH seems to be able to be more compasionate towards her when she is not under his roof. So can I actually. She is close. Only a few blocks away but we get a lot more serenity this way. I was never a mother who tried to be her friend. I did not believe in that. I thought that I had to teach her responsibility and dicipline. I showed a lot of love but I in no way treated her as a peer. Maybe that was wrong.
Well, now that I have utterly failed that way, I am trying to be a friend to her. She definatly needs a sober friend. /She is calling me for emotional soothing, for listening to her not for drug money. I think this is some kind of progress.
Tragic In So Many Ways
4 years ago
I think as our kids get older the line between parent and friend gets hazy. It is the one between caretaker and parent that I can never define. I think you are answering a need Beth has to be close right now and that must be good, whatever the motivation is.
ReplyDeletexx kris
you did NOT fail. repeat. We, as parents are supposed to PARENT our children, which you DID.
ReplyDeleteAnd, since Beth is now grown up, your parenting is done and you are free to be her friend, or not.
Fractal mom is right. My niece is two years clean after 10 years with addiction and all the ugliness that comes along with it. Today, she and her mom are very best friends (sometimes too close her mom says :)) and the relationship is different, because she no longer has to parent her.
ReplyDeleteI agree 100% with Fractalmom. You did not fail. You parented. Now you are free to have any relationship with your daughter you want...or not.
One things for sure, if you see any parent win the "Perfect Parent" award, you know it's a fraud!
ReplyDeleteI'm the closet to being the "Perfect Parent" but that's just one person's opinion! :)
I am sad the young man lost his life.
What I find very encouraging is your daughter knows she is loved and that is a big step towards recovery.
It is heartbreaking to hear about Beth's friend, and how his parents must be doing.
ReplyDeleteI found what you wrote about your relationship with Beth interesting b/c I feel that is how my role with Heather has changed too. It's taking a lot of getting used to, and I'm obviously not her "best" friend, I'm more like that friend she calls when there's no one else, but that's good too. You did not fail. I think it is awesome that despite all that DH is going through, he was there for Beth, as it sounds like getting around has been difficult.
You are there for her when she needs emotional support. That's a great gift.
a big (((HUG)))
God bless.
Kids need to feel secure when they are growing up, and being their peer instead of their parent doesn't produce security. You have done the very best job you could do and are doing. I am so sorry for all that you are going through at once, especially with your husband. Hang in there! I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about her friend. That is a sad thing to happen. I am sure that you did what was best and what you knew how to do as a parent. Parenting is something that I never felt equipped to do. I think that it takes a lot of courage to guide a person through their formative years. My parents were a mixture of friend (mother) and task master (father). I don't regret how I was taught by them. I learned a lot about responsibility and hard work. That has served me well.
ReplyDelete