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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's Three O'clock in the morning and I my fears loom large

     For the second night in a row I woke up crying around 3 in the morning. My fears and trepidations seem to magnify at that time of the night. I am afraid for my husband's health. He has had laser eye surgery and 3 eye bleeds in the past month. He has also had a dangerously infected wound on his foot and severe pain from herniated disks in his back.

He hobbles around here in severe pain and takes several naps a day. The latest is that he has some sort of undetermined infection which is causing violent chills and fever that come and go. His kidneys are at about 35 to 40 percent capacity. The chronic kidney disease was caused by out of control blood sugars. He is seeing on average 2 to 3 doctors per week. I do not know how he keeps on working. He is in real estate which is excruciatingly slow right now so that is part of why he can continue.

He has made many improvements lately. The sugar is under control as is the blood pressure. He exercises regularly and has begun to loose weight. None of that mattered last night. I just felt overwrought so I cried and cried alone in the family room at three in the morning.

Oh, and to sweeten the deal my doctor has me doing tests to see what is wrong with my liver. My liver! I never drank more than 3 drinks per week, usually not that much. I never did drugs or even took more than a perscription or two at a time.

 Well, things improved a little in the morning. I talked this situation over with my parents and children. I am considering getting back on my antidepressant which I recently weaned off of. It helped me a lot and now I am up in the middle of the night worrying about things I cannot control, crying off and on throughout the day over little things. I was doing fine until these health problems accumulated.

I know that I have to take it easy and apply the same skills I have learned to deal with addiction to the chonic diseases. It just seems so unfair but then life just gets tougher as we age. I am only 54 and my husband 56. I am not ready either loose him or see him decline so rapidly. We are working together finally to reverse this situation. The blessing is that after more than 30 years together I still can not imagine my life without him. I really do believe that his situation will improve but last night reason lost and the fears won. A battle lost does not mean a war lost.

Let this be a warning to any of you that might be trifling with diabetes. It is not unusual for everything to be fine, you feel fine, you look fine and then one day every major system takes a major hit. That is where he is and because I love him that is where I am too.

9 comments:

  1. oh my. you poor thing. major hugs to you. it feels like my life sometimes. and when that happens i say God? I know you never give me more than I can handle, but I gotta say, Today, I think YOU have a whole lot more confidence in me than I do.

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  2. I sometimes get frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel like an octopus with someone or something pulling me in 8 different ways are once.

    My way of coping is to stop. Truth is multi-tasking is over rated. Pick one thing and deal with it. Move to the next. Over and over.

    How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

    ps. 54 is a bitch but I wouldn't trade it for any other age. born in 1955 here and won't be 55 until the last day of the year.

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  3. wow....we're (my husband and I) are 55 also. And...thanks for this post,....and I'm sorry for what's happening and will pray for your husband and you. And...my husband's blood sugar is also bad and I'm very worried about him....and he always always works out...always has....and we're pretty good w/what we eat...it's not in his family either. He's now on Metformin. How long has your husband's blood sugar been high ? I will pray for you both, as I said. May you have some peace of mind and good health.
    Lori
    Dad...my husband's gonna be 55 on Dec. 4th

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  4. I meant to say above....we're both 54,..not 55...not yet. :)

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  5. dear one,
    its normal to feel as you do.
    i will be praying..
    You are loved!

    Brother Frankie

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  6. I too will turn 55 on the last day of this year. Some days I feel 20 years older. Those are the days when stress is taking its toll.
    We all know that in order to really help our families we have to first take care of ourselves. Sometimes that decision is made for us.
    I hope you and your husband find some peace in which you can both heal.
    xx kris

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  7. I am a "well spouse" and I found great support with the Well Spouse organization. Their Web site is www.WellSpouse.org

    Here's another possibility, The Family Caregiver Alliance (www.Caregiver.org.

    I understand completely what you are experiencing. You and your family are in my prayers and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

    I can say that there were times I thought that I could not go on but I learned to stop and say a prayer, listen for God's response then proceed.

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  8. I know what that is like, waking up in the middle of the night out of fear. I was very worried about my own husband who had lost a lot of weight recently, and he is already a skinny guy. He has been checked out and is fine, but I was convinced he had cancer. I tried to go off of my antidepressant too but everytime I try, I can't. I am feeling better now on 10mg of Lexapro and 300mg of Welbutiin, plus Trazadone to stay asleep. I will pray for your husband''s heatlh! I had to test my own blood sugar recently because I have been having dizzy spells. I have a new appreciation for what diabetics go through on a daily basis! Blessing to you!

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  9. Thanks to all of you. We are once again adjusting. Lots of doctor's visits ahead but we are starting to get some pleasure from our days again. The pain has decreased, the vision is a little better.... you get the picture. We will perservere.

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