Why didn't you tell me?

I have often regretted that my daughter kept the rape a secret. Imagine a 16 year old girl from a sheltered life suffering a gang rape and keeping it to herself for years. It tormented me that it happened. It also tormented me that I was not the type of mother that she could tell this secret to. Today she told me why.

She said the rape was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She said she was lucky to get out with her life but she did not really survive it mentally. She did not tell anyone because the perpetrators told her that if she told anyone they would kill her. She feared for her life during and after this rape.

She stated flat out that it was the worst thing that ever happened to her and it led directly to her addiction.

Call From My Dad

My Dad called me last night. He is still in Florida at the over 55 RV resort. He was so worried about me because he could not get me on the phone. Apparently my sister could not get me either. He said he is keeping busy and doing ok most of the time. Then he broke down and cried about my mother's passing. We both said that we go along ok and then some little thing just triggers the grief.

Anyhow, he has a lot of activities and a lot of friends down there. I worry about him more when he comes home. He and my Mom were so social and Florida and not social at all here in Jersey.

One Hundred Percent Normal Today

Beth stopped by today. She had on a low cut t-shirt. She had make up on her face and neck but her neck did not look all puntured and torn up. It has done a good deal of healing since the last time I saw her. She was reasonable, affectionate and kind. She told us why she likes the new boyfriend and her reasons all made good sense. They are planning to attend church together and instead of rejecting his beliefs, she says she understands how he feels. I said , "God loves you and Jesus died for all of our sins." Going to church is a good thing. It can bring you Joy and Comfort.

She was moved to tears at the food stamp office. Everyone had their food stamps reduced by 15 dollars. Upon hearing this, an elderly woman in a wheel chair had an asthma attack. Beth said, " I felt so bad because these elderly disabled people can not do a single thing. I can do something sometimes but they can not even walk!" Her Dad said there are many people worse off in this world. You do not have to look far.

She said she was happy staying in her apartment. She said that the boyfriend visits each evening. They eat dinner, take a long walk by the water and then watch some movies.

Dear God in heaven please let some of this be true!

Trying to Mind My Own Business

Not the boyfriend tells me that Beth has not taken her cat home. She tells me that she is back in her apartment but that is probably not true if she does not have the cat. I keep putting her suboxone in the mailbox but I am not comfortable with this. I think I will give the meds to hubby to dole out Mon-Friday. Also all of this may change with the drug test on Wed.

Every time she comes off a big bender like this she is skinny and proud of it. She is remorseful and sick of the drug life but proud to be thin. I wonder if some of this is fueled by her desire to be thin. (I will just use for a little while and then loose some weight fast!)

Who knows? I had a nice breakfast with my husband and brother in law. He just faced life and death with severe angina followed by several stents. I was going to go to the movies with them but petered out in the last few minutes because I just felt so sad. I went home, took a nap, read a book, cleaned up some and started to research retirement options. Would the reduction in stress help me? Or is it possible that the lack of structure would encourage me to dwell even more on Beth's problems?

Surely I must develop a plan to put structure but no undue stress on myself during retirement. I could teach a few college classes or be a literacy volunteer plus a regular exercise class and a breakfast or lunch meeting with the girls once a week seems in order.

What are your plans for occupying yourselves in retirement?