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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why didn't you tell me?

I have often regretted that my daughter kept the rape a secret. Imagine a 16 year old girl from a sheltered life suffering a gang rape and keeping it to herself for years. It tormented me that it happened. It also tormented me that I was not the type of mother that she could tell this secret to. Today she told me why.

She said the rape was the worst thing that ever happened to her. She said she was lucky to get out with her life but she did not really survive it mentally. She did not tell anyone because the perpetrators told her that if she told anyone they would kill her. She feared for her life during and after this rape.

She stated flat out that it was the worst thing that ever happened to her and it led directly to her addiction.


  1. Anna, I hope you know now that her reason for not telling you sooner was not because you are not the type of mother that she could turn to. Of course you are that mother! (I never told my mother I was raped at 14 because she was not the type you could turn to for support or understanding and I don't regret it).

    Anyhow, what Beth went through is undoubtedly the worst thing of her life, it makes sense that she would turn to drugs to dull the pain. Most women do turn to something, lots of them self harm or ... well the list is endless.

    Its the most unfair type of crime there is because the victim is victimized twice - by the monster(s) who rape and again by themselves when they repress the anger and it turns to self hatred, shame and guilt. The humiliation and pain often turns a woman against her own body. Its not easy to get back what's stolen from you because its not tangible, its a part of your very being.

    BUT the good news is that there is healing. Talking about it with others who have been there, or a therapist or both really does wonders. I've seen it over and over in myself and the women I counsel through this. Beth is a strong person - she has to be to fight her addiction and gain the upperhand on it several times. I believe in her. I believe she will heal more and more as time goes on.

    But if I could...I'd get out my 9mm handgun and shoot a few rounds into those monsters that did this to her - just enough to cause excruciating pain and break some kneecaps.

    If there is every anything I can do to help her, let me know. Of course shooting them would not help her, but I'd still like to do it because I rarely see justice served - because most of us are too scared to file charges.

  2. I can't not even begin to understand how she or you could feel with this horrible crime committed against her. I am with Barbara, my first instinct would be to demand revenge at any cost.

    I was very young when I finally after 3 years got out of a very abusive relationship. The scars are still there physically and the pain at times was horrible, I suffered a miscarriage because of his abuse but the emotional scars still this many years later haunt me. The only reason I brought this up is because I never told my Mom but not because I didn't trust her or thought she would blame me, I simply love and loved her too much to put her in that pain that I knew she would feel. The only reason she found out is because he had beat me so bad a neighbor called her (he broke in to our apartment). I still to this day have never told her everything and the abuse continued even after she found out I just became great at hiding it.

    I am so sorry for her and for you. But please don't blame yourself.

  3. (((OH Anna))) I am so sorry. Such pain.

  4. I am so very sorry this happened to Beth and you and your family. They did not do it just to her, they did it to all of you. So unfair. I think the fact she was able to talk to you about it today, is a good sign.
    My daughter was raped as well. He is currently in jail awaiting trial. They are waiting for my daughter to be well and testify. They want her to have the closure. I can tell you, we did know. We thought we did all the right things. Couseling, rape advocy appointment, EMDR. But, her counselors and friends have said, due to the rape, it has caused her addiction to sprial. She feared for her life, now, I fear for her life.
    Big Hugs, Kelly

  5. That was hard to read. I don't have a clue how to respond except tosay how sorry I am this happened.

    I saw a 60 minute segment last Sunday about rape on college campus and it brought out some of the same truths you mention here. They said that 95% of girls raped do not come forward. They remain silent.

    My prayers for you and your daughter.

  6. I wish these monsters were in jail. I wish she would talk about it with a counselor/victim. she has talked to a trusted friend who was also raped. I appreciate your support and sharing your personal experiences. I feel less guilty that she did not tell me but more pain in realizing that she was terrorized over a long period of time by her fear of these men.