Very Little Sleep

I have full productive days. I am able to live my life and be happy most of the time. Oh but the nights are so different. That is when I think of my Mom and my addicted daughter and m  son who only works part time and plays video games non stop. . I also think about my friends who died and my mother and father in law.

I lived for 55 years with only a few deaths here and there. This year I got smacked with so many losses and they all haunt me when I try to sleep .  Two very close friends, two mothers and my father in law all died in the past year and one half.

I was very very fortunate to actually love all these people and have them with me for so long. I know that in the daytime but the nights are so much harder.

I was closer to my mother in law for the last 30 years. She lived right next door and was so good to me. My mom was a new age mom in Florida with her friends. She was not that interested in all the drama at my house. She had enough on her plate with her own health. But yet, she always called me and encouraged me and wanted to talk. She told me I was a better mother than her. She told me that Beth was not my fault and I should not ruin my life over it.

There must truly be a biological bond that i so much more powerful than we think. I should miss my mother in law more. She was better to me and we did love each other. Never the less, it is my mother that grieves me the most. I miss them both but the depths of my pain are for my mother.

I wish that I did not have to sleep.

Compartmentalize

Thank you all for helping me compartmentalize the horror that is living with addiction. I try to  tell you what is happening in this viper pit and leave all the angst and pain on these pages. I try to lock away the vile contamination so that it can not effect the rest of my life.

I saw Beth today after picking up some groceries for her. this is not my habit but she does have pneumonia. She told me that she was in town and wanted to ride back out to her apt. in the country with me. When I got to where she was staying she had changed her mind and wanted to stay there. I convinced her to come with me to put the groceries away. There was no refrigerator where she was staying and there was no room in mine. Anyhow, she met me outside looking very very bad. Her pupils were small and there were tell talke small spots of blood on her pants. She was carrying her body cast which she is supposed to wear at all times. The Dr. told her if it heals wrong she will have pain and need a spinal fusion. This does not impress her.

We drove out there with her coughing up a storm. I asked her if she was urinating. She said yes. Previously she told me that she drinks and drinks but hardly pees. I told her that this could signal that her kidneys are shutting down. She said that she pees just fine now.

When we got to the apartment she was quite impatient with me. She did not like various items that I purchased. She complained about several things and did not say thank you for anything. I was surprised to see her medications all lined up, her flute on the table with some music nearby and signs of furthur decorating in the apartment. My assumption was that she had sold the persecriptions for drugs but there they were. Of course her clothes were also full of little blood droplets which means heroine. She was very surly and impatient which means crack. She was determined not to wear the brace which looks like mental illness to me or crack.  What a world of contradictions.

Only a miracle can save her. Only the grace of God so I pray for the Grace of God. I thank Syd for saying once again to turn her over to God. I had not slept in weeks without tossing and turning for hours. In the midst of all these current crisis I prayed for God to take care of her because she is way way beyond my capabilities. I also texted her that I was giving her over to God as I was unable to save her. For the first time in weeks I went right to sleep.

Lou says she should go to Jail. That could help but so far she gets away with her legal transgressions. She has done some bad things and even been charged. We did not pay for an attorney but she got off lightly. No jail and no substantial charges to date. It looks to me like it would be safer for her and give me more peace of mind.

I wish that I could have her committed for a long long time but she knows that game. As soon as she says, she understands and she no longer wants to hurt herself, she learned her lesson...... they let her go.

On a more positive note, I spent some good quality time with my Dad today. He came over this morning and helped us pick out some new windows. Then, we went grocery shopping for him, me and Beth. Later in the evening we picked him up to go get Pizza. His prostate cancer biopsy came back good, normal, no signs of cancer. I am so greatful for that. I wish I spent more time with my Mom before she died. I call him to go to breakfast or dinner and think Why didn't I do that when Mom was living?  Well, I know that I was busy with Beth. They did not want to have much to do with that scene. Also, I knew they had each other and their friends. I do miss my Mom though...... much more than I thought I would.

Yesterday for me and today for the addict......

Yesterday was a great day. I woke up at 6:30 am looking forward to teaching my classes at the University. The classes went well and the students were awesome. They were polite, ethusiastic and hard working. One girl left class telling me that she was changing her minor to Spanish. Several others lingered to share their travel experiences and tell me how they were useing the language in their lives. It was great to see all these lucky, healthy normal young people all in one place.


Today I woke up at 7:00 am and prayed for the strength to get through the day with Beth. I wanted to take her to the gynocologist for a proceedure she has been putting off. The procedure was to freeze out and scrape off precancerous cells. She has to do this periodically to avoid getting full blown cervical cancer.

She came out with the good news that the nurse said her cervix looked better than expected. Then she got in the car coughing up a storm. I felt her head. It felt cold and clammy though she was complaining of feeling hot. Her arms and legs felt the same way. She had me pull over so she could throw up and mentioned that she had been throwing up about once a day for the last three days. She wanted to cancel her next apt. with the suboxone Dr.

I protested saying that she seemed to have bronchitis. I urged her to see the nuerodevelopmental specialist i'f not for her suboxone then to get a script for the bronchitis. Dr. C really cares about Beth. She keeps trying to keep her alive long enough to get better. I stayed in the waiting room because even though the Dr. is good I doubt Beth's motives. Somehow the suboxone gets lost or stolen etc. etc. The Dr. knows that I quit paying for this treatment long ago because of this behavior. She continues to treat Beth when she begs to come back even without the copayments. Beth once attained almost three months clean with this Dr. It was the best she ever did in or out of rehab.

Anyhow, the Dr. came out to get me. She sat me down and told me that Beth was using again which was because the addiction was stirred up by the pain pills, morphine etc. She said that she was putting Beth back on suboxone and glad to do it. She also told me that Beth has Pneumonia. I left there believing that Beth was going to give the suboxone another try and make an affort to take care of herself to get over this pneumonia.

We dropped off the perscriptions and I left her at her friend Mike's house. I was supposed to take her back out to her apt. after getting the perscriptions. I voluntered to get her some food and even stay with her if she needed help. She did not need food. She already had food. I asked about water, she already had that too. There was some talk of me holding the suboxone and giving her a day or two dosage at a time to keep temptation low. She asked me what I wanted to do. The Dr. had not asked me to monitor the meds though I know it is a good idea.

Hubby and I just sat down to eat at Bob Evans when the phone rang. It was Beth. She said that John ( remember him from the hospital.....the sugar daddy who took her right from her hospital bed to get drugs and then left her alone unable to get out of bed alone with 6 broken vertabrae) was going to take her home but we could meet them at the drug store. I said, "why do you want me to meet you at the drug store I already gave you 50 dollars of your weekly allowance." She said she was going to use that money on groceries........... At that moment the waitress came and I said I would have to get back to Beth.

Hubby said she was perfectly consistent...... broken back but wanted to go use crack.......pneumonia but wanted to go use crack or heroine with John. She gets a little money or other drugs to trade and John appears. He buys some beer for himself and gets her the drugs she wants.  We decided to tell her she would have to spend her own money on the perscriptions.

A text arrived from her saying that she would buy her own perscriptions with John. I will check on her tomorrow to see if her fever went up. The Dr. said it might. I wonder if she will sell her antibiotics as well or just the narcotics. Once again, when faced with dire medical consequences she goes for the highest high she get. The suboxone and clonoprin would have calmed her and helped her get by. Getting by and or regaining her health is not her priority.

It is so hard to watch her kill herself. These are the sordid details of a grown child lost in the terrible world of addiction.

Art Still There

We took Beth some of her things from the trunk of her wrecked car. She was happy to see us and the apartment was clean. The dishes were clean, the floor was swept and she had decorated one large wall with a combination of stencils, jewlery and art work. It was actually quite attractive.

She looked very thin but she was walking pretty well. She said that she had enough food but that she was going stir crazy staying in the apartment so much.We had to go to a Dr. appt. for my husband so the conversation was very brief.

I texted her later that maybe it was a good time to take a course since she could not move around much etc. I made some suggestions including the clay college art or music lessons. She said that she would look into it. I would help her with this as I want to encourage any efforts she makes to join the living. I told her the wall looked great and had reminded me of the artist that is still in her.

I started teaching Spanish courses at a University near hear on Wed. It was fun to be called professor and see the students so willing to please and learn. It was a joy and a comfort to see so many healthy young people doing the right things to advance themselves.  Why have I always been able to inspire my students but not Beth? It is a sad irony that I would gladly switch to have inspired just my own loved ones.

Dazed and Confused

I started the day dazed and confused with very painful thoughts running around my head from yesterday. I forced myself up and went for the usual three mile walk with my friend. At that point I felt like I entered the world of the living once again. I bought a new pair of running shoes with a gift card that the same friend gave me for retirement.

An alanon friend called just to say hi and another e-mailed. That was good because it got me to our meeting tonight. The meeting was very calming. It ocurred to me that God does not require or want me to give up my own serenity to love my daughter. I can love her without giving up my serenity which happened yesterday. When I start to feel it go that means I have put her above all else and let myself get sucked in.

My husband thinks that Beth pushes my buttons on purpose to bring forth my guilt and is then better able to use me. That is  true. I think that it is also true that she feels guilt and remorse briefly then quickly stamps it down my using some more.

My plan is to limit my time with her while she is in this state. I went with her yesterday because of her  back. I really do not wish to socialize with her at this point. I sometimes envy the people who are so angry at their addicts. Anger makes me feel strong at least temporarily. This pity and fear just drains my spirit. That being said, I did make some progress at restoring it today and I have a pleasant day planned for tomorrow.

Hope you all have a boring weekend. I love boring!