I have full productive days. I am able to live my life and be happy most of the time. Oh but the nights are so different. That is when I think of my Mom and my addicted daughter and m son who only works part time and plays video games non stop. . I also think about my friends who died and my mother and father in law.
I lived for 55 years with only a few deaths here and there. This year I got smacked with so many losses and they all haunt me when I try to sleep . Two very close friends, two mothers and my father in law all died in the past year and one half.
I was very very fortunate to actually love all these people and have them with me for so long. I know that in the daytime but the nights are so much harder.
I was closer to my mother in law for the last 30 years. She lived right next door and was so good to me. My mom was a new age mom in Florida with her friends. She was not that interested in all the drama at my house. She had enough on her plate with her own health. But yet, she always called me and encouraged me and wanted to talk. She told me I was a better mother than her. She told me that Beth was not my fault and I should not ruin my life over it.
There must truly be a biological bond that i so much more powerful than we think. I should miss my mother in law more. She was better to me and we did love each other. Never the less, it is my mother that grieves me the most. I miss them both but the depths of my pain are for my mother.
I wish that I did not have to sleep.
I lived for 55 years with only a few deaths here and there. This year I got smacked with so many losses and they all haunt me when I try to sleep . Two very close friends, two mothers and my father in law all died in the past year and one half.
I was very very fortunate to actually love all these people and have them with me for so long. I know that in the daytime but the nights are so much harder.
I was closer to my mother in law for the last 30 years. She lived right next door and was so good to me. My mom was a new age mom in Florida with her friends. She was not that interested in all the drama at my house. She had enough on her plate with her own health. But yet, she always called me and encouraged me and wanted to talk. She told me I was a better mother than her. She told me that Beth was not my fault and I should not ruin my life over it.
There must truly be a biological bond that i so much more powerful than we think. I should miss my mother in law more. She was better to me and we did love each other. Never the less, it is my mother that grieves me the most. I miss them both but the depths of my pain are for my mother.
I wish that I did not have to sleep.
I understand this well. I'm sorry. I'm grieving my mom now too & I wince some even typing those words. I'm still in some disbelief that she's gone,.. It only happened 3 1/2 weeks ago. I'm sorry for your many losses,... it's terrible. And nIghts are worse,,..especially with worrying. I'm not sure why, but that's certainly true.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Anna. So much pain. I miss my mom too. I look back at the times that she drove me crazy (she lived next door too) and I think how unimportant it all was now. It was nothing.
ReplyDeleteI hope you sleep well tonight my dear.
Thank you for this post, and for the comments. I know Annette and Beachteach just lost their moms.
ReplyDeleteI'm already feeling resentful and overwhelmed at the way my mother wants me to do everything for her possible move. She has all the time, she never worked, I left home at 17, she has had no problems/responsibilities. I still work, actively volunteer, have husband and son at home. Every time I talk to her she wants me to do all kinds of time consuming tasks that are unnecessary.
Oh well, one day at a time.
I can't relate to the sleep..even in the worst of times I sleep like I'm in a coma. Maybe try some melatonin? These are hard feelings you are trying to reconcile.
XOXOX
I lost my mom when I was only 18 years old. I still miss her to this day. I never really got to know her, because at the age I lost her, I was not really interested in my mom. I had boyfriends, school, etc. I wish I could have shared my kids with her and everything that happened in my life. Losing mom is never easy. I am so sorry for all your losses and I know about not being able to sleep. It started when I found out that my daughter is an addict. Sometimes sleep feels like work to me.
ReplyDeleteEverything seems worse in the nightime hours. My heart goes out to you and the two other ladies who commented here and have recently lost mothers. I still have mine, but I miss my daddy. He died when I was 15 and I still get choked up if I think about him too much.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can find some rest. I NEED my rest of I feel sick so I take sleeps meds. I switched from the heavy duty one (Ambien) to a much lighter one and I doze off easily and usually stay alseep. Sometimes we just need a little help.
I am so sorry. I can hear and feel the pain in the words you have written. I have no words that are adequate...just know that you are loved and I think of you often. I will continue to keep both you and Beth in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your kind support.
ReplyDeleteAnna, the nights were rough for me too. I found that if I said the Serenity Prayer over and over, I would fall asleep. It works like counting sheep I guess. But it gave me peace.
ReplyDeleteI too have experienced the pain of loss of many loved one's. I always thought it would get easier to bear the next loss but it never did.
ReplyDeleteWe all understand and share your grief.
You are in my prayers
I am so sorry Anna. I haven't lost my Mom but the pain in your post shows the grief you are feeling and made me cry. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDelete