Thank you all for helping me compartmentalize the horror that is living with addiction. I try to tell you what is happening in this viper pit and leave all the angst and pain on these pages. I try to lock away the vile contamination so that it can not effect the rest of my life.
I saw Beth today after picking up some groceries for her. this is not my habit but she does have pneumonia. She told me that she was in town and wanted to ride back out to her apt. in the country with me. When I got to where she was staying she had changed her mind and wanted to stay there. I convinced her to come with me to put the groceries away. There was no refrigerator where she was staying and there was no room in mine. Anyhow, she met me outside looking very very bad. Her pupils were small and there were tell talke small spots of blood on her pants. She was carrying her body cast which she is supposed to wear at all times. The Dr. told her if it heals wrong she will have pain and need a spinal fusion. This does not impress her.
We drove out there with her coughing up a storm. I asked her if she was urinating. She said yes. Previously she told me that she drinks and drinks but hardly pees. I told her that this could signal that her kidneys are shutting down. She said that she pees just fine now.
When we got to the apartment she was quite impatient with me. She did not like various items that I purchased. She complained about several things and did not say thank you for anything. I was surprised to see her medications all lined up, her flute on the table with some music nearby and signs of furthur decorating in the apartment. My assumption was that she had sold the persecriptions for drugs but there they were. Of course her clothes were also full of little blood droplets which means heroine. She was very surly and impatient which means crack. She was determined not to wear the brace which looks like mental illness to me or crack. What a world of contradictions.
Only a miracle can save her. Only the grace of God so I pray for the Grace of God. I thank Syd for saying once again to turn her over to God. I had not slept in weeks without tossing and turning for hours. In the midst of all these current crisis I prayed for God to take care of her because she is way way beyond my capabilities. I also texted her that I was giving her over to God as I was unable to save her. For the first time in weeks I went right to sleep.
Lou says she should go to Jail. That could help but so far she gets away with her legal transgressions. She has done some bad things and even been charged. We did not pay for an attorney but she got off lightly. No jail and no substantial charges to date. It looks to me like it would be safer for her and give me more peace of mind.
I wish that I could have her committed for a long long time but she knows that game. As soon as she says, she understands and she no longer wants to hurt herself, she learned her lesson...... they let her go.
On a more positive note, I spent some good quality time with my Dad today. He came over this morning and helped us pick out some new windows. Then, we went grocery shopping for him, me and Beth. Later in the evening we picked him up to go get Pizza. His prostate cancer biopsy came back good, normal, no signs of cancer. I am so greatful for that. I wish I spent more time with my Mom before she died. I call him to go to breakfast or dinner and think Why didn't I do that when Mom was living? Well, I know that I was busy with Beth. They did not want to have much to do with that scene. Also, I knew they had each other and their friends. I do miss my Mom though...... much more than I thought I would.
I saw Beth today after picking up some groceries for her. this is not my habit but she does have pneumonia. She told me that she was in town and wanted to ride back out to her apt. in the country with me. When I got to where she was staying she had changed her mind and wanted to stay there. I convinced her to come with me to put the groceries away. There was no refrigerator where she was staying and there was no room in mine. Anyhow, she met me outside looking very very bad. Her pupils were small and there were tell talke small spots of blood on her pants. She was carrying her body cast which she is supposed to wear at all times. The Dr. told her if it heals wrong she will have pain and need a spinal fusion. This does not impress her.
We drove out there with her coughing up a storm. I asked her if she was urinating. She said yes. Previously she told me that she drinks and drinks but hardly pees. I told her that this could signal that her kidneys are shutting down. She said that she pees just fine now.
When we got to the apartment she was quite impatient with me. She did not like various items that I purchased. She complained about several things and did not say thank you for anything. I was surprised to see her medications all lined up, her flute on the table with some music nearby and signs of furthur decorating in the apartment. My assumption was that she had sold the persecriptions for drugs but there they were. Of course her clothes were also full of little blood droplets which means heroine. She was very surly and impatient which means crack. She was determined not to wear the brace which looks like mental illness to me or crack. What a world of contradictions.
Only a miracle can save her. Only the grace of God so I pray for the Grace of God. I thank Syd for saying once again to turn her over to God. I had not slept in weeks without tossing and turning for hours. In the midst of all these current crisis I prayed for God to take care of her because she is way way beyond my capabilities. I also texted her that I was giving her over to God as I was unable to save her. For the first time in weeks I went right to sleep.
Lou says she should go to Jail. That could help but so far she gets away with her legal transgressions. She has done some bad things and even been charged. We did not pay for an attorney but she got off lightly. No jail and no substantial charges to date. It looks to me like it would be safer for her and give me more peace of mind.
I wish that I could have her committed for a long long time but she knows that game. As soon as she says, she understands and she no longer wants to hurt herself, she learned her lesson...... they let her go.
On a more positive note, I spent some good quality time with my Dad today. He came over this morning and helped us pick out some new windows. Then, we went grocery shopping for him, me and Beth. Later in the evening we picked him up to go get Pizza. His prostate cancer biopsy came back good, normal, no signs of cancer. I am so greatful for that. I wish I spent more time with my Mom before she died. I call him to go to breakfast or dinner and think Why didn't I do that when Mom was living? Well, I know that I was busy with Beth. They did not want to have much to do with that scene. Also, I knew they had each other and their friends. I do miss my Mom though...... much more than I thought I would.
Anna, I wonder if females get off more easily than males in our justice system. It seems male addicts go to jail frequently, and all eventually go to prison (unless they stop using).
ReplyDeleteYour posts about your mother (and what I read on some other blogs) have made me stop and look at how I treat my mother day to day. Sometimes I'm resentful my mother chooses to live so far away. She has no idea how bad things got with Andrew. She is a "new age" grandmother who is busy with boyfriends and her social life. I'm working on my feelings about this, and trying to be grateful she does not need to be cared for.
I appreciate all you write.
Anna, I am glad that you could sleep. I did not understand for a long time how to give someone to God. I learned to literally open my hands and say I am giving her to you. It was a symbolic act but so helpful to me. I needed to physically open my hands and feel the release.
ReplyDeleteI don't regret the days that I spent with my parents. I was with them or talking to them a lot. They moved closer to be near me. Now I am doing the same with my in-laws. I want to have contact even though I cannot make them do anything like give up driving. I give them to God as well.
You go back and forth a lot. You get fed up and want to just let her go, but you always come back and she knows you will.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like it should be easier for us to be able to force our children to get help especially when there is a mental illness involved and they are not capable of making the right decision.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and your family.
Anonymous: I think all Parents go back and forth. Wanting to completely let go and being able too is not that easy. It is a process and "letting go" is different for everyone.
I remember being at a point in my life where my mother was dying and my addicted son was trying to kill himself. I spent more time and emotion on my son than my mom. It is a decsion i regret til this day. Because I was so focused on my son, I neglected my Mom. When she died I never really grieved her because, again, all my emotional energy was be spent on my son.
ReplyDeleteI can't go back and undo any of it. But I have learned my lesson. I had to let go of my son so that I could refocus my whole life and rejoin the rest of my family.
Letting go wasn't easy. But it saved my life. There was a book I read that really made the difference for me. "The Power of Praise" by Corathers.
PS Son is now 3+ years into recovery. When I truely let go, he had to choose for himself what his future was going to be. He had to work his own recovery. This is his longest stretch in recovery. This is a good day.
God Bless