I started the day dazed and confused with very painful thoughts running around my head from yesterday. I forced myself up and went for the usual three mile walk with my friend. At that point I felt like I entered the world of the living once again. I bought a new pair of running shoes with a gift card that the same friend gave me for retirement.
An alanon friend called just to say hi and another e-mailed. That was good because it got me to our meeting tonight. The meeting was very calming. It ocurred to me that God does not require or want me to give up my own serenity to love my daughter. I can love her without giving up my serenity which happened yesterday. When I start to feel it go that means I have put her above all else and let myself get sucked in.
My husband thinks that Beth pushes my buttons on purpose to bring forth my guilt and is then better able to use me. That is true. I think that it is also true that she feels guilt and remorse briefly then quickly stamps it down my using some more.
My plan is to limit my time with her while she is in this state. I went with her yesterday because of her back. I really do not wish to socialize with her at this point. I sometimes envy the people who are so angry at their addicts. Anger makes me feel strong at least temporarily. This pity and fear just drains my spirit. That being said, I did make some progress at restoring it today and I have a pleasant day planned for tomorrow.
Hope you all have a boring weekend. I love boring!
An alanon friend called just to say hi and another e-mailed. That was good because it got me to our meeting tonight. The meeting was very calming. It ocurred to me that God does not require or want me to give up my own serenity to love my daughter. I can love her without giving up my serenity which happened yesterday. When I start to feel it go that means I have put her above all else and let myself get sucked in.
My husband thinks that Beth pushes my buttons on purpose to bring forth my guilt and is then better able to use me. That is true. I think that it is also true that she feels guilt and remorse briefly then quickly stamps it down my using some more.
My plan is to limit my time with her while she is in this state. I went with her yesterday because of her back. I really do not wish to socialize with her at this point. I sometimes envy the people who are so angry at their addicts. Anger makes me feel strong at least temporarily. This pity and fear just drains my spirit. That being said, I did make some progress at restoring it today and I have a pleasant day planned for tomorrow.
Hope you all have a boring weekend. I love boring!
Boring is so wonderful isn't it? Sadly it doesn't happen very often. I wish I could be angry with my son more often too. When I get that angry I can happily and peacefully not speak to him for a couple of days.
ReplyDeleteMy husband told me before the same thing. B pushes my buttons as well. For quite a long time he would call or come over right after he woke up while he was still somewhat sober. I have to say it worked pretty well but of course that ended.
I hope you do have a very calm and boring weekend.
You are in a no win position. I too got to a point where seeing my son is such terrible physical and spiritual condition was unbearable. I had to not expose myself to that.
ReplyDeleteThank God for friends who do not judge, and for the comfort of Alanon.
Best wishes for boring!
I did go through the anger phase, for a REALLY long time LOL, as everyone here knows. Then, I just finally got to the "I really don't give a Sh&t phase. It was sooooooo incredibly um, freeing? I mean, I do care, I do love, but then I realized that I cannot do one damn thing at all. It truly is her problem. Even in non active addiction, she still makes really stupid choices, really stupid decisions, really moronic statements. I just let it go in one ear and out the other. When she calls, I actually put the phone down and listen "from a distance..." . I just don't have what it takes to be involved in her life anymore, in any way other than to schedule visits with the child she still has, who is now 4 1/2 and able to come spend weekends and such. I ask my daughter, when she drops her off to do a "Stop, Drop and Roll" which means, DO NOT GET OUT OF THE CAR. She respects that, thankfully. When she is here, everyone avoids our house like we have the plague. She is loud, emotional and gets on everyone's nerves, including her childrens.
ReplyDeleteA phone call (crises of course) last night from her. During one part of the call, involving talking about her boyfriend (ex-best friend) she said to me, "Mom, YOU have no problem seeing all of my addiction issues, YOU have no problem seeing that I might be using when I drop off, YOU have no problem telling me right to my face what you think. How can HIS intelligent parents (his mother is the nurse in charge of a large nursing college, she has a Ph.D, is a Dr. Nurse LOL) be so CLUELESS as to his behaviors and decisions?"
I said, Not everyone is clued into addiction behaviors, not EVEN professionals. really. And, it took me 11 years + to get this smart about it.
Distance. Detachment. what a wonderful thing they are. So peaceful. They allow us to live OUR lives out of the drama. Out of the chaos. Like normal people.
Anna, can you email me...Lv4gves@comcast.net I am having trouble emailing you for some reason.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling me that Lou. Distance and detachment is what I need just like fractal mom says.... not because I do not love but because of the terrible pain this causes me. I want to be bored Tori. Annete, I will email you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for how hard this is. And yes,.. when we're in that anger zone,.. it really is SO much easier to detach. Otherwise, it's such a struggle to have any of our own serenity when they're actively using & even often when they're not. I really admire you in your walk with all of this, how you handle it, & your efforts & achievement to find your own peace, despite it all. I'll continue to pray for your daughter & you
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