1. I do not ask too many questions.
2. I do not call more than once a week unless I have business with her.
3. I try really try to tell her things only once and not nag.
4. If I am with her and she starts getting demanding, manipulative, accusative etc I just change the subject or go home.
5. I do not pay for her mistakes with money or emotion. Emotion is a lot harder to control.
6. I ask her friends not to tell me about her exploits unless they think I could actually influence her when they have more influence than me.
7. I do not stop what I am doing to go to her assistance unless it is a life threatening situation.
8. I turn my phone off at night.
9. I only invite her to my house on high holidays. I invite her about an hour late and she comes two hours late. By then, we are about an hour from being done. I have already locked up all the valuables and the relatives that do not want to be with her can make a quick exit.
10. I pray for her and miss her every day. When I go crazy thinking how good our lives used to be I think but that was then and this is now. Maybe someday, if she and I both live through this she will get better.
11. I remain willing to help with attempts at recovery but will no longer believe that she is clean without proof from medical tests done by a clinic.
12. When she tells me she is clean I do not know what to say so I usually say good for you. Keep it up and all good things will come of it.
13. I take her phone call but I do not talk long or believe much of what she says.
14. I tell her I love her because I do
15. I try to remember better days with her.
So, my friends, I share this list with you not because I think I am right or have found the way. These are just some of the things that I have learned to do to help me detach and survive. Sometimes I feel like a cold bitch for being able to implement these rules but oh have I paid a price when I let my vulnerability be exposed to her.
How about you? What specifically have you learned to do to detach with love?
2. I do not call more than once a week unless I have business with her.
3. I try really try to tell her things only once and not nag.
4. If I am with her and she starts getting demanding, manipulative, accusative etc I just change the subject or go home.
5. I do not pay for her mistakes with money or emotion. Emotion is a lot harder to control.
6. I ask her friends not to tell me about her exploits unless they think I could actually influence her when they have more influence than me.
7. I do not stop what I am doing to go to her assistance unless it is a life threatening situation.
8. I turn my phone off at night.
9. I only invite her to my house on high holidays. I invite her about an hour late and she comes two hours late. By then, we are about an hour from being done. I have already locked up all the valuables and the relatives that do not want to be with her can make a quick exit.
10. I pray for her and miss her every day. When I go crazy thinking how good our lives used to be I think but that was then and this is now. Maybe someday, if she and I both live through this she will get better.
11. I remain willing to help with attempts at recovery but will no longer believe that she is clean without proof from medical tests done by a clinic.
12. When she tells me she is clean I do not know what to say so I usually say good for you. Keep it up and all good things will come of it.
13. I take her phone call but I do not talk long or believe much of what she says.
14. I tell her I love her because I do
15. I try to remember better days with her.
She asked me if I never really wanted to see her anymore. I said, " I really do want to see you but the addiction gets in the way. Also, the lies get in the way. You can try and fail or refuse to try and I can live with it. But, when you lie about trying and try to make it my fault then ..... well it creates a distance."
So, my friends, I share this list with you not because I think I am right or have found the way. These are just some of the things that I have learned to do to help me detach and survive. Sometimes I feel like a cold bitch for being able to implement these rules but oh have I paid a price when I let my vulnerability be exposed to her.
How about you? What specifically have you learned to do to detach with love?
The main thing is to mind my own business and to not try to be someone else's Higher Power or make them my HP. I don't ask a lot of questions and examine my motives for the things that I do say. It has helped me in all my relationships with others, regardless of whether they are alcoholic or not.
ReplyDeleteThanks Syd,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right that it helps a lot with people who are not alcoholics as well.
Thanks for your comments.
Couldn't. Just had to settle for detachment and letting her remain part of family. Sigh. Even her kids are getting sick of her shit now. Pint is almost 14. She is just used to mom not showing up! Forgetting dates, missing functions, showing up late etc. Sad, but reality.
ReplyDeleteReading this tonight was just what I needed. Thank you!
ReplyDelete