I went to an Alanon meeting tonight. I had not been there in more than a year. The old timers welcomed me back so sweetly without a word or even a glance of reproach for not having been there in so long. They really do know how to mind their own business.
It was an hour of decompressing for me. They speak the truth in those meetings. I do accept that my daughter will never have a normal life. I accept that because of her mental illness but I keep trying to change her choices. Only alanon seems to know that I am indeed powerless over her decisions.
I keep going over and over how I raised her to find the flaw that led to this behavior. I was not perfect but she grew up with lots of love, activities and family values. How can I know this yet still hold myself responsible?
I feel judged and humiliated because of her behavior. Children grow up to reflect the values and the homelife they were raised in. But not always. It is just not always true. When mental illness and or addiction is part of the picture the normal rules do not apply. I am sure there are children who go astray even without these huge challenges.
Alanon says...... I did not create the addiction. I can not cure the addiction and I can not control the addiction. I have to act like I believe this even if the general public does not.
Then, on some level I think that if she loved me enough she would stop. I worked with a teacher who had an alcoholic mother. That mother left her sitting with a broken foot for three hours until her Dad got home. That teacher told me that whether or not her mother had a disease, she had a broken foot and needed to go to the hospital. Her mother chose to protect her addiction above her helpless child with a broken foot.
Our addicted loved ones see our pain. They are too wrapped up in their own issues to respond to our pain. Our pain means nothing to them.
A girlfriend of mine had surgery and therfore had pain pills for the post surgical pain. Her addict daughter stole her pain medication from the sick bed and left her mother to suffer acute post surgical pain as a result. (That particular addict is now 7 years clean. She was with my daughter at her third rehab.)
Oh well, I used to be better at detaching with love and still having a worthwhile life. Alanon helped with that so I will continue to read the literature daily and go back to meetings. I am also starting to treat my own anxiety and depression with some nutritional supplements, sleep and exercise. I just know that I can get a better handle on my life than I have had recently. I am perfectly capable of fighting for myself and that it what it has come down to. It is time to put myself first because I have been nearly drowning.
It was an hour of decompressing for me. They speak the truth in those meetings. I do accept that my daughter will never have a normal life. I accept that because of her mental illness but I keep trying to change her choices. Only alanon seems to know that I am indeed powerless over her decisions.
I keep going over and over how I raised her to find the flaw that led to this behavior. I was not perfect but she grew up with lots of love, activities and family values. How can I know this yet still hold myself responsible?
I feel judged and humiliated because of her behavior. Children grow up to reflect the values and the homelife they were raised in. But not always. It is just not always true. When mental illness and or addiction is part of the picture the normal rules do not apply. I am sure there are children who go astray even without these huge challenges.
Alanon says...... I did not create the addiction. I can not cure the addiction and I can not control the addiction. I have to act like I believe this even if the general public does not.
Then, on some level I think that if she loved me enough she would stop. I worked with a teacher who had an alcoholic mother. That mother left her sitting with a broken foot for three hours until her Dad got home. That teacher told me that whether or not her mother had a disease, she had a broken foot and needed to go to the hospital. Her mother chose to protect her addiction above her helpless child with a broken foot.
Our addicted loved ones see our pain. They are too wrapped up in their own issues to respond to our pain. Our pain means nothing to them.
A girlfriend of mine had surgery and therfore had pain pills for the post surgical pain. Her addict daughter stole her pain medication from the sick bed and left her mother to suffer acute post surgical pain as a result. (That particular addict is now 7 years clean. She was with my daughter at her third rehab.)
Oh well, I used to be better at detaching with love and still having a worthwhile life. Alanon helped with that so I will continue to read the literature daily and go back to meetings. I am also starting to treat my own anxiety and depression with some nutritional supplements, sleep and exercise. I just know that I can get a better handle on my life than I have had recently. I am perfectly capable of fighting for myself and that it what it has come down to. It is time to put myself first because I have been nearly drowning.
Anna, have you ever read anything about the physical brain responses to addiction? Kind of the science of addiction. If not, do it because I think it will explain some of the concepts of why "if they loved us they would quit" isn't enough to get them to really quit.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you went to Alanon. I love my meetings. I hear something every time I go that resonates with me. And bless those womens hearts for welcoming you back without a look or a comment. I LOVE that about Alanon.
Anna, I'm glad that you went back because the people in meetings will tell your story too. They have been where you are. And I hear something good at every meeting I attend--something that makes me think and realize that I am powerless over others. I believe that I would not have lasted in my marriage without Al-Anon.
ReplyDeleteEverything you are saying is really speaking to me. I cry every day too, and I know my meetings help... I maybe need to step up the frequency because I've been really sad lately and I am finding it harder to take care of me. So, that's what I will do... more meetings, and more taking care of me. I hope the nutritional changes and extra rest make even more of a difference for you. I'm still praying for us all. Take care!
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