Wow, I had a tough week that had nothing to do with the addict. Work has been brutal preparing for a federal audit. Everyone is getting on each other's nerves.Some of my colleagues are not exactly playing by the rules but they have great pull with the boss. For me this has meant a lot of ducking and weaving. It may well come to a situation where I must openly defend myself but for now I am trying to minimize conflict. My colleague is very ambitious. If I can deflect a little while, I am quite sure that someone else will become the target.
Our organization has lost millions of dollars in state aid and many people are loosing their jobs. We are supposed to go by seniority and certification but things are really heating up.
I have been feeling better about Beth. It relieves something primitive in me to extend human warmth and shelter to her. She will stay with me for 3 weeks if all goes well.
Hah, Hah........ All has not gone well in eight years but we will give it a spin. We do have a plan B. I have learned to always have a plan B. If she acts up and it is only affecting me, I have another place to sleep. If she acts up and affects the whole family she gets another place to sleep but not in my home. We will do everything with in reason and then some to get her through the disability hearing.
The point is that even though I have come to the point of being willing to pay for her shelter it is entirely possible that she will not stay there. Alanon says: You did not create it, you can not cure it and you can not control it. I know this to be true.
I do not feel guilty for creating this situation. She was born with and underlying mental illness, then she was raped and badly injured which her fragile psyche just could not handle.
I know that she will never be normal, never have a happy life. I can not give her a happy life. What I can do is offer the stability of food and shelter, a loving if somewhat distant relationship and total support at any attempts at recovery.
Her x boyfriend's grandfather died yesterday. She called me three times and her dad once to talk about it but actually said very little. Just long silences and disbelief. There is just a tiny chance that she is clean or at least cutting back as she is struggling to handle these emotions and calling us frequently. Her preferred state for a long time has been to totally blot out all emotions with drugs. "I just hate the feelings MOM. I hate the way I feel when I am not on drugs. I just wish I could get rid of the feelings without drugs." AFter so many failed rehabs and so many na meetings, what can I say to that?
I do my best to be upbeat with her. I say..... I am sorry you feel that way. The feelings will pass. They always pass. The drugs just create other problems and more bad feelings. Drugs are a big lie! They say here lies comfort when what you really get is a little comfort and a lot of chaos!
Lately, I have been trying to bring up other topics. Trying to talk about things we would talk about if she were not ill, if she were really not using as she claims. Trying to act as if. Trying to give both Beth and myself some little moments of life as it could be.
I do the same with my mother in law who suffers from dementia. There is no use talking about her delusions or dementia. When she has a good day, I do not think that her illness is gone. I just try to enjoy her company a little longer on the good days as I know that all of her days are numbered.
i hope we all get to enjoy some nice spring weather over the weekend.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago