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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Cried Too Many Tears

I took Beth to social services on Friday. We had a confrontation over the same old things but it set me into a crying jag that lasted for most of the weekend. I thought I was past that kind of behavior but I guess you might call it a codependent relapse.

For some strange reason I thought that she could just act normal for an hour or so but that was not to be. She got into my car with a young man in tow. He was very polite had a handsome face, multiple tatoos and blown off front teeth. So many crack addicts look that way but not usually polite in my experience.  Beth smelled bad and started needling me about how she needs a car about three minutes into the encounter.

At some point, after being bossed around and then having them tell me how they were not using drugs I just lost it. I said that the constricted pupils, bad smells and the terrible rush to be left off in a drug zone were pretty good clues and that I resented being treated like a stupid idiot. I am not 10 minutes but more like 10 years into this hell hole of a life and I am not good at pretending I do not see what I see. I told Beth that she had ruined my life. Then I cried to the point that I should not have been driving and then the guilt set in. I told her the only thing more painful than seeing her this way would be to have her dead. She said but dead would only hurt for a little while. I said, and that is where you are wrong. My whole life is ruined one way or the other unless you stop.

I know that I am supposed to rise above this and that many times I have but this weekend I could not.

Via e mail I found out that Beth has been talking to the married son of one of my best friends. He wrote to tell me that she seems clean but is sad as she does not have a car or money. She is manipulating him and he is getting sucked in. He used to care for her back when she was beautiful and accomplished. I had to tell him  the truth which deeply humiliated me. Why am I humiliated by her disease or her choices? What is he doing trying to rescue her and tell me what she needs when he has not seen her in over 6 years?

It is also very near the anniversary of my Mother's death. My grief has increased this month instead of decreasing. Maybe that is just an anniversary thing.

On Saturday Beth texted me that she would do a 90 day outpatient program but she is just talking not doing anything at this point.

I think that next time she needs to go somewhere I will send a cab or have her take the senior and disabled bus though she refuses. Sorry to be such a downer. So much for my so called strength.

6 comments:

  1. WOW! Talk about a bad day...We are all human and even more so when it involves our children. I really am so sorry. Dust yourself off forgive yourself and get on with it. Seem so easy when I write it but not always so easy to implement. Beth is not only manipulating married son but you too. Which I am sure you have recognized at this point. I am most pained by the humiliation that rears its ugly head regarding my son. I don't do well with it at all. I cover my eyes and ears and hum LALALALALA. Never works its always there when I finally stop. Hate ADDICTION. Hate what it does to us all.

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  2. Andrew had a girlfriend (aka, shooting mate), her MO was to prey on married men. She would get them to buy clothes, drugs, anything she needed. Later they got ripped off for big items after she found out where they lived, or stole their ATM cards and cleaned out their accounts. This worked because...they had to keep their mouths shut or their wives would find out. They were perfect marks! What got me was how many men fell for this!
    This is not what you are talking about I don't think...just making a point about manipulating married men.

    This was a terrible day, but I'm thinking you were extra emotionally fragile because of your mother. Take the time to grieve for your mother. Beth has been able to get where she wants to go on her own every time. Good for you for holding strong on the car. She is entirely too irresponsible for that.

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  3. Oh honey.....and I DO NOT mean that in a condescending way at all. I would want someone to hug me and call me honey after a day like that too. What a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day. :O) I am so sorry you went through that....but you know that some times our grief for our mom's and for our daughter's just bubbles up to the surface and we can't stop it. Its good you let it out. I am sorry it lasted all weekend....there must have been a lot bottled up there. Bless your heart Anna. I am so sorry. I miss my mom too and had a big cry that I couldn't stop last week. Big tears just kept rolling down my face. I could just hear her in my head saying, "What are you crying about?" and that made me laugh. I probably looked crazy. Crying and laughing. (((HUG))) You are amazingly strong. So strong. Its ok to hurt every now and then. This is a hurtful deal.

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  4. Thanks girlfriends. I needed that. I think that when I have to take her someplace which should not be often I will do it with my other daughter or husband in the car.

    When my girlfriend was suffering and dying we always went to see her together as it gave us more strength.

    I also did not like being in the position of toting around one of her drug buddies. You never know when one could get dangerous or desparate.

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  5. Dearest Anne, I have been in that situation too many times to count! Actually sometimes I didn't mind one of her drug buddies tagging along, because she acted better!
    We are Mom's, we are human, we are in tragic situations and we can't always be "perfect" in each situation. But, we can learn and move on. I think your reaction is normal under the extreme situation.
    When I was dropping Em off in the AM to the current place she is at, she isn't a morning person, nor am I really, I need my cup of java first. She asked to go to the car and get her clothes, we got in so late at night and couldn't see in the dark, I said sure, threw her my keys. I called my husband to say we were getting ready to go, she didn't change her mind over night. He is like where is she now? I said out at the car getting clothes.. He was so mad I let her go to my car with my keys without me! I never thought of it, I had so much on my plate at that moment, I couldnt' think of everything! It made me cry! Cry about the whole horrific situation we have been dragged thru, not because I gave her the keys.. it brought it all up! I felt bad afterwards, but then I said, oh heck.. I am human and this is not a normal situation.
    So I guess I am saying, let it go, you are normal and human and there is nothing wrong with that! Hugs! Kelly

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  6. What a shitty day you had. And we ALL have them and we ALL blow up at times and say things that we probably would not have said if we weren't feeling vulnerable or sad or tired or whatever. I hope by the time you read this you are feeling better.

    I find the married man thing very suspicious. I assume she contacted him first? Is this a ploy to use him for something? What's sad is how many men are willing to get involved with other women/girls. Being single all my life I can't tell you how many marry men have come on to me. It appalls me and makes me sad at the same time. I think its one of the reasons I have trust issues with men :(

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