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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Guilt

Beth came over to help with yard work and clip the dogs. I agreed to pay her which is always a source of doubt. I would pay someone else so why not her?  It goes without saying that an addict uses  any money they get on drugs but she does that in any event. Isn't it better for her to earn her money through honest labor?  I have this powerful fantasy that gardening, sunshine and honest work are curative.

She was pleasant and energetic. She told me how she gave two tennis lessons this week and asked me to split her allowance into to separate parts when she gets her car so that she will have gas money. She wore short sleeves and did not have any needle marks. She did not seem high or in any way out of touch with reality. Then she got a phone call from a friend. I heard  her say "I am at my mom's." I reminded her that none of her friends are to pick her up at my house. She was fine with that.

Then she got to be in a hurry. She finished clipping the dogs but planned to come back the next day to bathe them. It seemed strange but I did not argue. I paid for the clipping but not the bathing. I gave her 20 dollars per dog which is far less than Petsmart. I dropped her off at her current residence. She has seemed more stable lately. I am not saying clean but somehow more stable. She seems to have a real affection for her boyfriend. She has been working more at legitimate work.

Am I really off the mark for thinking that it is progress for her to get off the couch and do some work? She did very little but lie on the couch for the last year. She would watch tv, get drugs and then watch more tv. She did not get the drugs by working any kind of legal job. Often her friends would give her drugs. I think that any connection with the world that is not drugs and not watching tv is good. I have seen her lately express compassion and concern for others.

Anyhow, it rained today and it was cold. I did not hear from her till late in the day and thought that she just did not want to finish the dogs as it was too cold to have them outside wet. She texted me a little while ago and indicated that she wanted to come over and wash the dogs. Someone would drop her off. When I said it was too cold she pressed the issue saying she was counting on the money.

I texted back that 40 dollars yesterday and now she is totally out of money makes me feel like I am part of her drug life. My answer was no but now I feel guilty. The guilt did not make me change my mind. I want to encourage her to do any legitimate work that she can but I do not want to be in the position that I was in today. I do not know how to do one and not the other. Any suggestions? I will put on my helmut.

8 comments:

  1. Sounds good that she is looking more stable! Definitely a positive to that she seems to be showing love and being considerate with others!!

    That's definitely a tough situation to be in, I think that you did the right thing by saying no to her today! I think there should probably be limits so, of course, you won't be enabling her, but still encouraging her to do legitimate work. It's a fine line, unfortunately.

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  2. Oh Anna...you and I are two peas in a pod.

    The place I have come to is that if I agree to pay for a job to be done, I am not responsible for how the recipient uses the money they earn. That is not my business. With that being said, its been a very long time since I have paid H to do anything. Not because of the reasons you are grappling with, but because she is just not in the place at all, to come and help with much of anything. If we did come back to having that type of relationship, I would allow her to work for me sometimes, but I would know when it began to feel uncomfortable. If I was her main source of income, if it was constant, more than I could afford but I felt the need to continue despite the discomfort it was giving me.....then I would know I was in unhealthy territory.

    If it helps you feel better, I wonder about many of these same things. H got a job caregiving for her drug supplier. Of course to any rationale mind this is ludicrous. But to me, I will admit I had a minute of thinking, "Well at least she has a job."

    ((HUG)) I do understand my dear.

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    Replies
    1. ANNETTE,

      I PRAY FOR YOUR GIRL WHEN I PRAY FOR MINE. I MUST BELIEVE THEY WILL BREAK OUT OF THIS HELL SOMEDAY, SOME WAY.

      Delete
  3. Beth will do drugs or not do drugs whether you give her money or not. Whether you feel guilty or not. My opinion, you are over analyzing. We parents project feelings and thoughts into the addict's mind, when in reality we have no idea what they are planning.

    You make the best decisions you can, based on what you can live with. We are not that powerful that we can will anyone to change.

    I've said it many times-you are making prudent and compassionate decisions. You have amazing strength. That is an example Beth absorbs whether she knows it now or not.

    Good to hear from you...

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    Replies
    1. THANKS LOU,

      YOU ARE A GOOD FRIEND. BETH KNOWS WHAT IS RIGHT. YOU SHOULD HEAR THE GREAT ADVICE SHE GIVES HER FRIENDS IN TROUBLE. IF ONLY SHE WOULD OR COULD FOLLOW HER OWN ADVICE.

      WHAT KILLS ME IS THINKING HOW SHE WILL GET THE DRUGS. iT IS NOT SO MUCH A MATTER OF IF BUT A MATTER OF HOW.

      Delete
  4. I too have been in your position and have
    wondered what to do. Like Lou, I think that
    you have to follow your best instincts.
    If it is too cold for the dogs to be washed, then it makes sense for you to say, "no" to that. Just as it made sense for you to give her the original yard and grooming
    work.
    I have had to develop confidence in my
    own decisions when it comes to my son (at the
    ripe old age of 55). It isn't easy.

    Holly

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  5. What Lou said.

    We all can relate to your thought process, that's for sure.

    Yesterday my boy mentioned something I had helped him with a few years ago, and he thanked me. He was drunk when we talked yesterday, but I was surprised that he was acknowledging my help from the past.

    He said he's sad and needs advice. I told him my advice remains the same, get sober. So today I'm sad, but that's the ups and the downs with an addict.

    I over-analyze everything he says and does as well.

    All I can say to you and every other parent is that I'm praying for you and your children. Everytime I pray for my boy, I pray for you all.

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  6. I agree that what you do or what you pay is not the causative agent for Beth. I do believe that I can't cause, cure or control the addictive actions of others. That helps me to not give the other person or myself too much power.

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