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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Hostility and Arrogrance = Crack

She did not come home last night. Called me at 5 in the morning claiming to have fallen asleep. Arrived home at 10:OO am and had a fit when I gave her a couple of chores. It did not look like she had slept. She arrogant and hostile. I said we would need to start drug testing immediately. She said that she would fail. She used coke last night but it was the first time. No big deal really.

Given how she has been picking fights with me, staying up all night and sleeping all day, I do not think it is the firs time.It hit me like a brick in the head. I cried for about one and a half hours and then went to sleep for the next three with an extreme headache and acid reflux. Hope can be the enemy. Hope leads to expectations which leads to this sort of crash.


We will see what happens next. We did not really intend to live with her. We were going to set her up in an apartment and follow through on the SSI. She did well at first while she could still remember missing us. As time went on, she just used us more and more and appreciated us less and less. She is personally miserable and abusive to those around her most of the time. It is not that she hits or even name calls. She just reacts with seething hostility and disparaging looks, slammed doors and a constant black cloud. Our house is no longer a comfort zone. We are once again trying to avoid it. Not a good situation!

8 comments:

  1. :o( ((((HUG)))) I'm so sorry. The rollercoaster you are on is a tough ride.

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  2. oh my God,...I am so very sorry. Please do not lose your hope. I am continuing to pray for you. I so understand your tears,and the headache too. :(
    Lori

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  3. Hope does lead to expectations and makes the crash so devastating. I can so relate. I am kind of sitting waiting for a crash but hoping with every fiber of my being that it does not come. Hugs to us both.

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  4. I totally hear you. Hope can be a killer. I am struggling mightily with this right now. I am so sorry that this has happened. I'm continuing to pray for all of us...
    Carolyn

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  5. I hate the hope/ optimism tug. The moment we become parents it plants itself in our minds and it is IMPOSSIBLE to uninstall. I am so sorry. Beth is unhappy but her problems are making your family miserable. The stress that you are talking about is well-documented among family members. It will undermine everything if you are not careful. It is important for Beth to be safe but not at the expense of your well-being. I locked my daughter out of my life for six months when I was very fragile. It felt awful, but I thought that the serious consequences of the stress she had added was literally going to kill me. (You know now that nothing really changed. She was waiting for me to return. As if no time had passed. The moment I answered her calls again, I was sucked completely back in. But, Anna, I was in better shape. Stronger and now I try to be more careful with my space. My husband and son benefitted, too.)
    You and your family are in my thoughts.
    xx kris
    PS I suggest that you read Barbara's comments to her I Hate Long Weekend Post. Tom from Recovery Helpdesk made some very insightful comments that would apply to your situation. xx

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  6. Oh Anna, this was hard to read...especially because I am in a similar place with what's his name (my son).

    I am so sorry...Hope pissed me off sometimes. I try never to lose it, but when I cling to it, it never fails to slap me in the face.

    Your family deserves peace. You gave Beth a wonderful opportunity and she is not holding up her end. So easy to see the facts but so hard to feel the disappointment, worry, confusion, frustration....

    You are going to be in my thoughts and prayers all day.

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  7. I know optimism can set us up for a downfall, but I still like to enjoy those days/weeks of unknowing bliss. I am so sorry this happened, but after what you have worked through earlier this year, I have faith in you and your abilities. You're a great mom and have a lot of wisdom in your actions regarding Beth. I pray for you, DH and Beth daily. I will pray for continued strength for you. Love & (((hugs))) to you.

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  8. I am sorry Anna. It sounds as if some major boundaries are needed. The unreliable nature of addicts is nearly impossible to deal with.

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