Beth came to work with me. There was really no one there except us. She was a big help once she stopped crying which she did for the first hour. Apparently she has had a falling out with her only girlfriend. Beth was distraught as Jenna told her she does not want her to call or come over. She does not want Beth in her baby's life.
I imagine this pertains to Beth's recent relapse or some other drug related escapade. I lost it when she said she was going to move back to Florida. The idea that this girl abandons her so there is nothing else here worth staying for really hurt me and made me angry. I said and what are we just chopped liver? I did not say this at first. At first I sympathized but after about 40 minutes my patience wore thin.
Probably, I just should not have been a mother. I do not have the patience necessary to deal with Beth. She needs more patience and compassion than I have. I want to have more but there it is. At first, i did feel very sorry for her. Then, I realized that something major had to have happened and it most likely pertains to drugs. Oh maybe not crack or heroine but probably booze and marijuana.
There was some sort of altercation between the two boyfriends but that stuff is a secret. Then I offered to take her home but she said she would settle down. She settled quite well and really concentrated. Her organizational and clerical skills were very sharp. It was rather amazing to see this switch.
Then she went out to smoke a cigarette and came back in with small pupils which is a sign of heroine and also with her eyelids sort of drooping. I mentioned what I saw and she started to cry again. I apologized as in my way of thinking if she was shooting heroine she would not have given a shit and would not be crying. She pointed out that pupils also constrict due to light and she was in the bright sunshine. I said well I can be a real bitch and she said yeah, I know.
Then we worked for three more hours at highly detailed, convoluted charts and statistics. She really helped. I said that she has a talent for this kind of work. She said she likes it more than yard work. I said, I remember how she was an amazing help at only 11 years old when she helped me with the copies and organizing charts for my thesis. I told her that I expect her to recover and that seeing that she can do real work is a step towards improvement.
I was worried about paying her. I gave the money to her boyfriend and told him that I wanted reciepts. I told her if this ended badly I would not give her cash again. I offered to make application at an apartment complex that is month to month instead of a year lease. She said no she is not going to Florida. I told her that I would hold the lump sum back in case she broke the lease because I will not personally pay for her to break it so think about doing the month to month. I also told her that I will not send her to Florida without food and shelter set up for her .
Then, I went out to dinner with my husband. I felt exhausted and kept staring into space. I know that this is overwhelming me and I need to shorten my interactions with her but there is so much to do to set this all up. No one will help but me. They say that she depletes them.
I am thinking that I will put a max of three hours of contact in a row with her in the future. Not that I will tell her that but maybe it will help.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago