I went to church this morning and prayed for wisdom. When I came home I lost it. Beth was on the couch with dialated eyes and a little burn mark next to her mouth that I imagine came from the crack pipe. I asked her if she had thought about what she could do to help with her recovery. I reminded her of a couple of outpaitent programs in the area. She got very mean. She said that there would be no programs or drug testing. Well, Beth maybe if you would do something different I could convince your Dad to let you stay here.
She said she would buy a car and move to Florida. She said I had better turn her checks over to her or she would get a lawyer. I said something along the lines of the money is for food and shelter. I will put it out directly for food and shelter and nothing else. It is your business if you want to do drugs but you know you can not do them and live here. It just makes you too mean and we all suffer.I told her to clean up the kitchen and do one load of laundry while I was gone. She had said that she did not want to come to a picnic with us.
She got very huffy and yelled at me that she would clean the kitchen but she was not touching any one elses laundry. I lost it. I yelled at her and said that this is the end of her bossing me around like some mean drunk. She will not act like the boss of me in my house. She can either do what I say or get out. She threw the remote down at my feet and smashed it to pieces. She ran upstairs to pack.
DH came down and said that I was acting all tough now but in a few weeks I would be a wreck looking for her. He had already told her that she had to move but that we would help her find a place.
I went upstairs and semi apologized. I said that I am just so angry because these drugs have nearly ruined my life. She acts like using is no big deal. She will also not agree to do anything any different. This pisses me off beyond reason and it scares the hell out of me too. I said please, please take care of your cervical dysplasia or it will kill you. She lied to me about taking care of it . It had been two years since she went to a Doctor and she is supposed to go every three months.She said that she hopes the cancer takes her quickly. She has no interest in living. or programs or hospitals.
Five minutes later on the porch with her bags packed. She said, " I was doing well. I was finally happy and you kicked me out for one slip."She went to stay with a girlfriend within walking distance of her drug grounds. We all think that she was using for awhile because she was so mean and surley. That is how she gets with crack.
We got the house key back. It is creepy to think that she had some guy she picked up doing drugs drop her off at my house. I do not want these people to know where I live. She has threatened me before when I was holding money that she owed a friend of mine. I am afraid that this will happen again. I told her if she starts any funny business that makes me feel fear I will turn this over to a court appointed non familial guardian who will be much less flexible than me.
She left, and i said Beth, just because I can not live with you does not mean that I don't love you. I do love you but I can not live in this chaos and constant tension.She said, "It is all your fault, Mom. This time is all your fault."
On Being Afraid
1 month ago