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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Lost It!

I went to church this morning and prayed for wisdom. When I came home I lost it. Beth was on the couch with dialated eyes and a little burn mark next to her mouth that I imagine came from the crack pipe. I asked her if she had thought about what she could do to help with her recovery. I reminded her of a couple of outpaitent programs in the area. She got very mean. She said that there would be no programs or drug testing. Well, Beth maybe if you would do something different I could convince your Dad to let you stay here.

She said she would buy a car and move to Florida. She said I had better turn her checks over to her or she would get a lawyer. I said something along the lines of the money is for food and shelter. I will put it out directly for food and shelter and nothing else. It is your business if you want to do drugs but you know you can not do them and live here. It just makes you too mean and we all suffer.I told her to clean up the kitchen and do one load of laundry while I was gone. She had said that she did not want to come to a picnic with us.

  She got very huffy and yelled at me that she would clean the kitchen but she was not touching any one elses laundry. I lost it. I yelled at her and said that this is the end of her bossing me around like some mean drunk. She will not act like the boss of me in my house. She can either do what I say or get out. She threw the remote down at my feet and smashed it to pieces. She ran upstairs to pack.

DH came down and said that I was acting all tough now but in a few weeks I would be a wreck looking for her. He had already told her that she had to move but that we would help her find a place.

I went upstairs and semi apologized. I said that I am just so angry because these drugs have nearly ruined my life. She acts like using is no big deal. She will also not agree to do anything any different. This pisses me off beyond reason and it scares the hell out of me too. I said please, please take care of your cervical dysplasia or it will kill you. She lied to me about taking care of it . It had been two years since she went to a Doctor and she is supposed to go every three months.She said that she hopes the cancer takes her quickly. She has no interest in living. or programs or hospitals.

Five minutes later on the porch with her bags packed. She said, " I was doing well. I was finally happy and you kicked me out for one slip."She went to stay with a girlfriend within walking distance of her drug grounds. We all think that she was using for awhile because she was so mean and surley. That is how she gets with crack.

We got the house key back. It is creepy to think that she had some guy she picked up doing drugs drop her off at my house. I do not want these people to know where I live. She has threatened me before when I was holding money that she owed a friend of mine. I am afraid that this will happen again. I told her if she starts any funny business that makes me feel fear I will turn this over to a court appointed non familial guardian who will be much less flexible than me.

She left, and i said Beth, just because I can not live with you does not mean that I don't love you. I do love you but I can not live in this chaos and constant tension.She said, "It is all your fault, Mom. This time is all your fault."


  1. I'm so sorry Anna, sorry. And you know it's not your fault. You had no choice. God bless her,...and you, ...I am praying for her safety and some type of clarity, and your peace of mind.

  2. I hope you can see what is going on and that you don't take any of that on yourself and carry it around. So much manipulation and diversion of responsibility to heap the guilt onto your shoulders and let her maintain some sense of control. I am praying for her safety and for your peace.

  3. I am truly sorry... I know that even if you know it's not your fault, it's so hard when the venom is being spewed at you. The disease talking drowns out everything. I hope and pray she is safe and that she will see reason soon. I also pray that you will be able to truly believe you did not cause this, and though you can give her an environment in which she can work on fixing it, you cannot fix it for her. Believe it. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you have done such an amazing thing, opening your home to her and trying to enable her to work on her own recovery/mental wellness. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a painful time right now. I am praying, and wish I could give you a real hug!
    Hugs and prayers!

  4. It is not your fault! I pray for peace, healing and safety for you and Beth!!

  5. Don't take on the responsibility for's NOT your fault. Easier said than done, I knoe, but you have done everything that you could and then some. You have been a wonderful, amazing, supportive mother. Please remember that. I'm praying for you and Beth

  6. oh shit. you know what you have to do now. change the locks, don't let her back in. don't give her any of YOUR money, just give her what is hers and let it go. if you are her payee, get off that asap!!!

    separate everything, and remember, you can give them chance after chance after chance after chance.

    it doesn't change her. it changes YOU and makes you into an insane person filled with bitterness and anger.

    let her go. it's the only thing you can do now.

    i'm so sorry.

  7. Oh my! First here's a big (((hug))). Second, please know that what she said had one purpose only - manipulation through making you feel guilty. I can so hear my daughter saying those exact things - I even knew the exact tone they were said. I do not wish this on anyone, it is a horrible feeling when your daughter says such things - I hope you know they are not true. This is NOT your fault. Please know this.
    Sending love, hugs and prayers.

  8. As they've said, not your fault! Beth's words were so obviously meant to do just what they did, wound you and fill you with doubts in yourself. My daughter is an alcoholic. I get the same from her, somehow I have to pray for the strength to remember its the misery of the drug talking. But I can't give in. Take care, keep praying

  9. I am SO so sorry she is using crack again. Crack is so destructive of one's personality and health. I wish I could give you a big hug. You need so much support and encouragement. Drugs are an evil thing. I pray my dd will never get into drugs but I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. You need a spa day, or at least a pedicure. I do pray God will give you the patience, wisdom, courage and peace that you need as you try to love your daughter well. Blessing on you!

  10. Anna, my heart hurt when I read your post. I can hear the manipulation in Beth's words and actions, and I can hear the pain in your heart when you are faced with this.

    Those of us that walk in your shoes understand your decision to have her leave; and as much as the decision hurts, it is the right thing for you and your husband. But doing the right thing often hurts so very much.

    I have you in my thoughts and my prayers. Be strong because that is ultimately what will help her and you the most. ((hugs))

  11. Anna, it isn't your fault. This is the addict talking, the disease talking and not really Beth. Take care of yourself.