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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Crack Inspired Chaos

I had a very emotional 24 hours. The police were knocking on my door at 1 in the morning. Of course, I thought that Beth had died when I saw two policemen at my door at that hour. Turns out they were investigating a reported gunshot and wanted to know if we had heard anything.

All of us had heard some rattling around but none of us thought that it was gunfire. The police also told us to close the garage door which my son had left open. After that little adreniline rush none of us could get back to sleep for awhile.

I woke up crying convinced that Beth had killed herself and was in the neighbor's shed or our addition which is accessable from inside the garage. My husband said that it was going to happen one day but that it had not happened yet. He said that we have enough to cope with without conjuring up or giving in
to any morbid fantasies.

I dragged myself through the morning unable to really maintain a good focus on any given task. The sun was bright and the sky was clear but I was slushing through my own mental fog. Depression was pulling me down as I tried to stay a couple of steps ahead of it all day.

By the afternoon, my errands were accomplished, the house was organized and I actually started to feel like a person again. Then I checked the rep payee bank account. The first thing that struck me was relief that Beth had withdrawn her allowance today. She can't be dead somewhere if she is withdrawing money. The next thing I noticed was that about 400 dollars had been withdrawn last week.

Beth does not have access to checks unless I give them to her so this really confused me. It took a couple of hours to figure out what had happened and it is not good. To make a long story short, she found a way to erase who the checks were made out to. Instead of paying her court fees, she cashed the checks at a Mom and Pop supermarket near her home.

When I asked her about this she claimed to have purchased groceries with the money. When I asked how it was even possible to erase ink she said triumphantly without any hint of regret...."Well I found a way to do it!". 

Without going into all the little details, it is unnervingly clear to me that she pulled this little caper with a clear, premeditated plan. She started with a small amount to see if it would be noticed, then took the larger amounts while I was away. The last time I saw her she wanted me to go with her to the court house to pay some more fees. I was too exhausted by the end of that day which probably kept the rest of her account from being depleted.

Beth, I said evenly, "I just want you to know that on Monday I will call social security and request that they appoint a new representative payee. I will not put up with you jerking me around like this."

Her body is rapidly deteriorating as are her looks and her memory. In spite of this, she can orchestrate elaborate deceptions and schemes. She seems to be a little proud of this not a bit regretful.

So, the roller coaster of my life goes on. I doubt that I will hear much from her when her money is handled from someone else. She does not feel much for me anymore and perhaps never did. She once told me that one of her counselors did not like her anymore since she admitted that she had never felt close to her family eventhough they were always good to her. It hurt me when she said that as I thought we gave her a good childhood. We did give her a good childhood.

She tortures me. I have just about burned out with her. We are about to get even farther apart.


  1. Oh Anna. Such pain. I understand the being at the end of your strength with Beth...and I have gone through a fraction of what you have described here.

    I am so glad (and in awe) of your strength to make that call on Monday. I think that will be one of the best things you can do for yourself at this point. Bless your heart mama....I know you are hurting.

  2. She is her own worst enemy, very self destructive. It feels to me like the many years of hard core abuse have changed her brain irrevocably. Her mind desperately needs some time without drugs to try to heal. Of course, how is that accomplished without her wanting it?
    These is such a heartbreaking situation..a life so tragically wasted.

    Anna, I hope besides your family, you have friends to lean on. The last week when Andrew was out there, my friends rallied around me. It made it bearable, and I consider them such a blessing. Also, I know by your comments that you truly understand this very complex problem. Thank you for always taking the time to give me your perspective.