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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Marital Discord

     Hubby pisses me off. He says  he is not willing to give Beth a cent. Even if she finishes up this new stint of rehab. Even is she asks for more time in this rehab or another longer one. He is done and he thinks that I should be done too.

He believes that she is not trying at all or not trying hard enough. He wants to cut his losses and move on.

I have doubt that she is trying her best but I am not in her head and do not really know. If I start to hold her responsible for all her choices I will probably hold him responsible as well. He is a long term diabetic that only just recently started to control his sugar. He has many severe health problems now due to his refusal to help himself.

On the other hand the frustration that he has caused me is small compared to the horrors of addiction. It seems that most things in life are small compared to the horrors of addiction.

I talked to Beth's counselor today. He said he is trying to get her into a 6 month free program. Praise the lord, I hope it works. The mere point that he is willing to say that to her astounds me. He is the first.

I called because hubbys attitude has gone south. Beth has not called nor responded to my phone calls since the last time. I e-mailed her about two programs that I would be willing to support. They are both long term and cost about 3000.00 per month. She would be 100 percent inpatient and supervised in either place.

I am just so mad at him but I also know that I have been in his position before when she has done things that shocked and revulsed me. I have said in the past and meant it and followed through with it.......either get treatment or stay out of my life. Actually what I said was get long term treatment. What she did was get short term treatment. I started communicating again with her when she got the short term treatment so here we are again.

Opinions are welcomed. I know that my thinking is unclear and convoluted.


  1. I am new to your blog so don't know your whole story yet, but I can really relate to this. My husband and I have had many similar battles with each of us on different sides of the fence at different times. What I came up with was much the same as I learned about my addict (our 21 year old daughter)....I only have control over my self. I can't make him "do it" my way. Who says my way is the right way anyway? I can't make my addict clean and sober. I can only manage my own attitudes and emotional health and financial decisions. I too, have been where my husband (and yours) have been. I had to acknowledge that, I got it, and it is their place to work through. They have the freedom and the right to handle their daughter's addiction in whatever way makes sense to them. The ultimate goal is to find a way for each parent to travel in unity with the other, to provide a united front.

    It is such a rough horrible journey, but I have found that the times that I have been able to accept it for what it is, and settle down to today that this is where we are at, I can find some semblance of peace and serenity. I also go to Alanon meetings which have really saved my life.

  2. Maybe he is afraid of the finances due to his own health issues.. ??? I personally feel this is a disease and should be treated for FREE. Why do parents have to pay so much??? And so many are too short.. it takes longer to break a habit and replace with good habits.. (hugs). I have no advise..just hugs.

  3. I'm sorry you have to go through this with your daughter and your husband.

  4. Thanks Barbara, Ms Hen and Annette. When the decisions are sooo hard to make there are bound to be different opinions. I guess.

    From what I have seen of treatment we should go back to the old old inebriate farms. My Dad said that they used to put people on a farm to work under supervision so they could dry up and contribute to their own keep in the meantime. This type of treatment would not have to cost very much at all. Keeping the addicts clean longer is the only thing we can actually prove that makes a difference.

    Heck, they could see a shrink or get meds or psychotherapy also but as an adjunct to the whole process. It would save families, taxpayers, society and the addicts from the absolute horrer of having them on the streets killing themselves and injuring others.

  5. I don't have any answers here. Just wishing for a resolution to this strife with your daughter.

  6. I'm late responding here - but I would have said what Annette said. I am in agreement with her.
    I keep you, Beth and your husband in my prayers every day. I hope you are led to the action (or non-action) that is right for you.
    God bless.

  7. Anna - I'm brand new to your blog, but can relate to the whole issue of whether or not to financially support multiple rehabs. My ex-husband is fully capable, financially, of paying for my heroin addict daughter's (30 yo) rehab, but he says he's finished, too. When I did finally get my daughter to medical detox 175 miles away last August after she asked for help, she left the hospital after 4 days, ama (against medical advice). She was scheduled to be picked up by a women's treatment center the next day, but somehow walked out the door of the hospital and talk a cab driver in to driving her all the way back 'home', with not a cent on her. The crack house where she had been living wouldn't take her back, if you can believe that. When Hayley was admitted to the medical detox unit, the admitting nurse looked at her chart and said, "Oh, this is private pay?". When I said yes, he shook his head and said, "It usually doesn't work." In other words, his experience was that heroin addicts had to find their own way to rehab/treatment in order for it to really 'take'. Right now, with all that's facing my daughter, I can't imagine her ever 'crossing back over' in to the 'real' world.