I forgot to mention that the judge recomended a representative payee. That means that a third party probably my husband or I will recieve and distribute her money. We are to make sure that it covers her basic needs such as food and shelter. No worries there. 700 per month will not pay for all of her rent here in NJ.
As a mother, I am greatly relieved to think that this makes it possible for me to see her with a roof over her head. I do not fault anyone who will not do this. My attitutude for the last 4 years was very different. I said and I followed with my actions that I will do absolutely nothing for you until you quit taking drugs.
I think that if Beth could have snapped out of this whole thing it would have happened during the last 4 years while she got no familial or governmental support. Her situation got worse in many sordid and painful ways. This all culminated with her disappearance earlier this Spring. We really thought that she was dead. We were looking in morgues and hospitals. It changed us in a way that I am sure you do not understand unless you have done this. It is a whole other issue to face not knowing if your child is dead or alive and not having any idea of where to look for them.
Maybe she will hang on a little longer when we are not trying to control her. Giving her nothing was , after all another way to punish her.So far, it is better for the family and better for her. I will tell you the truth no matter which way it goes.
My son has gone to stay with friends. He does not accept his sister. He hold her totally accountable for all of her actions. He does not want to be in the same house with her. It seems strange to me that he has been very compasionate with the siblings of his friends who have gone bad on drugs but not with his sister.
He is shamed by her. I understand that. Really, I do as I have been shamed too but I wish he had a little more compassion for her. The rest of the family has been just great. Basically, they are worried about what might happen to me if I continue to suffer so they agree with our helping Beth. They say enough is enough, we tried all this tough love for 4 years.
That does not mean that we approve nor that we will finance her bad habits. Only that we want a roof over her head. I have never worried about food as much as shelter. I figure that the desire to eat is a craving just like drugs, perhaps even more powerful. I figure that needing to choose between food and drugs might be good. Lack of shelter can lead to rape or exposure to the elements. There has been too much of that already.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Judge Rules in Disability Hearing
Today at 12:30 Beth and her lawyer entered the disability hearing for SSI benefits. There were a judge, two doctors and a vocational specialist there to review her case. The paperwork for her case filled an entire legal brief case. They are huge!
The court psychiatrist ruled that she met criteria for affective disorders. He also ruled that although she had a history of drug abuse, the drug abuse did not cause the mental illness. The mental illness was documented well before the addiction. The medical doctor ruled that her knee was impaired but not incapacitating.
She was awarded the maximum amount of 700 dollars per month plus medical coverage. Since we filed before her 22nd birthday she will also qualify as an adult disabled child . That means, that when I die or collect social security she will become eligible to collect some of my benefits as well.
She was rejected three times on the basis of paperwork reviews. This was the first hearing in front of a judge. She never spoke and was in there for about 15 minutes. It could not have gone better. It will now take another 3 months before any money comes through. We owe the lawyer about 6000 dollars which will come out of the settlement. She also has to pay back welfare to the tune of 2000 dollars. They were giving her 200 a month for the past two years.
We are greatful for this help. We will keep her with us as long as possible or as long as she will stay. She was a nervous wreck last night and this morning. She was pacing and voraciously chewing her fingernails. She wanted to go out with friends for the last few days but we said no. Usually no does not matter to her and she will find a way even if it is out the second floor window in the middle of the night. However, she did not go.
I can tell now when she is using heroine because her pupils are little pin prick points. She was not using heroine. She is very social and happy on cocaine so I saw no signs of that either. We will tolerate almost anything short of violence as far as her mental illness is concerned. It is the drug use and all that goes with us that makes us want to keep our distance. Pray for us to let go and pray for her to hang on to her sobriety so that this child of mine can find some peace. Pray for our family to finally feel that we have done our best no matter what else happens.
Thank you for letting me share.
The court psychiatrist ruled that she met criteria for affective disorders. He also ruled that although she had a history of drug abuse, the drug abuse did not cause the mental illness. The mental illness was documented well before the addiction. The medical doctor ruled that her knee was impaired but not incapacitating.
She was awarded the maximum amount of 700 dollars per month plus medical coverage. Since we filed before her 22nd birthday she will also qualify as an adult disabled child . That means, that when I die or collect social security she will become eligible to collect some of my benefits as well.
She was rejected three times on the basis of paperwork reviews. This was the first hearing in front of a judge. She never spoke and was in there for about 15 minutes. It could not have gone better. It will now take another 3 months before any money comes through. We owe the lawyer about 6000 dollars which will come out of the settlement. She also has to pay back welfare to the tune of 2000 dollars. They were giving her 200 a month for the past two years.
We are greatful for this help. We will keep her with us as long as possible or as long as she will stay. She was a nervous wreck last night and this morning. She was pacing and voraciously chewing her fingernails. She wanted to go out with friends for the last few days but we said no. Usually no does not matter to her and she will find a way even if it is out the second floor window in the middle of the night. However, she did not go.
I can tell now when she is using heroine because her pupils are little pin prick points. She was not using heroine. She is very social and happy on cocaine so I saw no signs of that either. We will tolerate almost anything short of violence as far as her mental illness is concerned. It is the drug use and all that goes with us that makes us want to keep our distance. Pray for us to let go and pray for her to hang on to her sobriety so that this child of mine can find some peace. Pray for our family to finally feel that we have done our best no matter what else happens.
Thank you for letting me share.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
I was blessed to have all my children with me today. We had a low keyed get together at my mother-in laws house. It was just pizza, salad and strawberry short cake. Nana was in great shape. She wore a bright pink jacket and sat in her big easy chair like a queen!
Beth came for a little while. She stayed about an hour. She was withdrawn and had a haunted disconnected look about her. This happens when there are too many people moving and talking around her. It looks like fear to me but she says it is not fear. She just feels uncomfortable. She needs breaks in these situations or she will hyperventilate.
After she left, there were questions about is she ok? Is she on drugs? I said, no. I don't think so. This is how she acts and feels when she is not on drugs. Thank you for being patient with her. She does much better with one or two people at a time.
Anyhow, she said goodbye to everyone and left early mentioning that she had a headache. I found her at home watching a particularly gory horror movie. I was glad she was home. It occurred to me that she might be struggling with drug cravings so I was relieved to find her home.
She said, it was the best I could do MOM. I said, "it was ok Beth, you sat with your Nana, you said a few words to everyone. It is ok to make an appearance and then go home. It is much better to be a little part than no part at all of a family gathering."
Beth came for a little while. She stayed about an hour. She was withdrawn and had a haunted disconnected look about her. This happens when there are too many people moving and talking around her. It looks like fear to me but she says it is not fear. She just feels uncomfortable. She needs breaks in these situations or she will hyperventilate.
After she left, there were questions about is she ok? Is she on drugs? I said, no. I don't think so. This is how she acts and feels when she is not on drugs. Thank you for being patient with her. She does much better with one or two people at a time.
Anyhow, she said goodbye to everyone and left early mentioning that she had a headache. I found her at home watching a particularly gory horror movie. I was glad she was home. It occurred to me that she might be struggling with drug cravings so I was relieved to find her home.
She said, it was the best I could do MOM. I said, "it was ok Beth, you sat with your Nana, you said a few words to everyone. It is ok to make an appearance and then go home. It is much better to be a little part than no part at all of a family gathering."
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tennis
I came home to find Beth and Joy playing Tennis on their Nana's court. Beth had her pink unloader brace on and was not running just stepping. Joy was running all over the court trying to return the balls that Beth kept placing just out of her reach.
They never played together when they were younger. This is a new thing but they were having fun. Beth's knee was visibly swollen when she stopped but she was happy. Last night she started to cry when she told us. "I can't think about sports without crying." This might actually be progress. I always thought it was strange that she never expressed her great loss here. I knew it was a loss for her as she wanted to be a professional but she never talked about it.
Today she was talking about helping out with the girl's high school team. I did encourage her but wonder if they would let her. Probably they would as long as adults were there as well.
We went up to her Nana's art studio which ajoins the tennis court. She looked startled when she saw it and exclaimed, "I could live right here!" Indeed, I wish she could if only she would behave. It is right next door and I do not want to see any shenanigans that I can't stop. She used to paint up there with her Nana in happier times. They would come out on the deck and watch the tennis players.
They never played together when they were younger. This is a new thing but they were having fun. Beth's knee was visibly swollen when she stopped but she was happy. Last night she started to cry when she told us. "I can't think about sports without crying." This might actually be progress. I always thought it was strange that she never expressed her great loss here. I knew it was a loss for her as she wanted to be a professional but she never talked about it.
Today she was talking about helping out with the girl's high school team. I did encourage her but wonder if they would let her. Probably they would as long as adults were there as well.
We went up to her Nana's art studio which ajoins the tennis court. She looked startled when she saw it and exclaimed, "I could live right here!" Indeed, I wish she could if only she would behave. It is right next door and I do not want to see any shenanigans that I can't stop. She used to paint up there with her Nana in happier times. They would come out on the deck and watch the tennis players.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
And Then She Sang Like an Angel
Beth cheered up when she found out we were going to my cousins to sing kereoke. She did not intend to sing but she wanted to be a part of things. After about 2 hours she decided to sing Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera.
It was an odd selection as everyone was singing rock or country. She also had never practiced with a kereoke machine so that is very difficult. She started out in the wrong key in an unfamiliar version, I thought oh no..... this will humiliate her and make her cry.
Then she asked for a different version which was smack on! She sang in an amazingly clear and sweet soprano that startled then amazed us all. It really moved me that this kind of beauty and talent is still there. She hit every note and given the selection, it is something that none of the rest of us practiced singers could do.
She got a lot of praise and applause. That has not happened in a long time for her.
On the way home she said that she never told me she was first soprano in the select choir. I knew she was good but not that good. I never heard her sing alone because she would not. She said it emabarrased her and she would cry. I said, it is a god given special talent.
After all of that good stuff she wanted me to drive her by an old questionable boyfriend's house. It was 11 pm. I said no, I am not comfortable with that. When we got home she wanted to take her bike over there. I said no, come in here now. I have to work in the morning and do not want anymore drama now.
She turned petulant and said...Yeah, "I have to come in here and be bored. " (Sigh, how she turns on a dime.)
The difference was that after saying that to her I just disengaged and went in my room. I did not give lengthy explanations, threats or make pleas. She came up a few minutes later talking about what was on TV. I just went to bed half expecting her to sneak out but she did not. I actually slept pretty well all things considered.
Today she called me several times and seemed just normal........ I try not to have expectations from moment to moment.
It was an odd selection as everyone was singing rock or country. She also had never practiced with a kereoke machine so that is very difficult. She started out in the wrong key in an unfamiliar version, I thought oh no..... this will humiliate her and make her cry.
Then she asked for a different version which was smack on! She sang in an amazingly clear and sweet soprano that startled then amazed us all. It really moved me that this kind of beauty and talent is still there. She hit every note and given the selection, it is something that none of the rest of us practiced singers could do.
She got a lot of praise and applause. That has not happened in a long time for her.
On the way home she said that she never told me she was first soprano in the select choir. I knew she was good but not that good. I never heard her sing alone because she would not. She said it emabarrased her and she would cry. I said, it is a god given special talent.
After all of that good stuff she wanted me to drive her by an old questionable boyfriend's house. It was 11 pm. I said no, I am not comfortable with that. When we got home she wanted to take her bike over there. I said no, come in here now. I have to work in the morning and do not want anymore drama now.
She turned petulant and said...Yeah, "I have to come in here and be bored. " (Sigh, how she turns on a dime.)
The difference was that after saying that to her I just disengaged and went in my room. I did not give lengthy explanations, threats or make pleas. She came up a few minutes later talking about what was on TV. I just went to bed half expecting her to sneak out but she did not. I actually slept pretty well all things considered.
Today she called me several times and seemed just normal........ I try not to have expectations from moment to moment.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Locked and Loaded
The tension is palatable. Beth is wound up like a spring. She looks like she is ready to scream or scratch. I am keeping my distance.
She went to the public defender today on a wandering in a drug zone charge. The public defender is the father of her childhood friends. Their mother and I used to have play dates once a week for our kids. They must be shocked that this happened and I imagine shocked that neither my husband or I were there.
It really did not seem to bother her much but maybe it did. I know that her knees and back are throbbing. They are much worse than when she left for Florida.
It is amazing how much hostility can be conveyed without any threats or profanity. She told me today that her life would have been so much better if I let her date the boy next door. She had a very angry and defiant tone. I said, as I recall he was 5 year older than you and had a cocaine habit. She denied that and I said well maybe you are right but that is what his Mom said. I let it drop. I did not call her on her hostility. I hope and pray it is because of the rough day and the pain.
I am trying to let a beautiful wall stand between us. I am trying to mind my own business. I want to do for her what I would do If she were only mentally ill. The boundaries on that are that I will have to draw back if doing those things to her become a danger to me. It is a tightrope tonight.
She went to the public defender today on a wandering in a drug zone charge. The public defender is the father of her childhood friends. Their mother and I used to have play dates once a week for our kids. They must be shocked that this happened and I imagine shocked that neither my husband or I were there.
It really did not seem to bother her much but maybe it did. I know that her knees and back are throbbing. They are much worse than when she left for Florida.
It is amazing how much hostility can be conveyed without any threats or profanity. She told me today that her life would have been so much better if I let her date the boy next door. She had a very angry and defiant tone. I said, as I recall he was 5 year older than you and had a cocaine habit. She denied that and I said well maybe you are right but that is what his Mom said. I let it drop. I did not call her on her hostility. I hope and pray it is because of the rough day and the pain.
I am trying to let a beautiful wall stand between us. I am trying to mind my own business. I want to do for her what I would do If she were only mentally ill. The boundaries on that are that I will have to draw back if doing those things to her become a danger to me. It is a tightrope tonight.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Daddy's Little Helper
Beth worked in the yard with her dad today. They bought and planted tomatoes and cucumbers. We went out for Sushi last night. She has been almost as normal as she gets. I can see that she is in physical pain. she also told me that she cries a lot and that her meds are gone.
I told her to call the Dr. She has an appointment so I am sure he would renew them if she called. She has not done it. (I am not pushing this as I have seen her sell the psychiatric stuff for street drugs. Hard to believe there is an illegal market for prozac and lamictal as they do not make you high.)
I have been obsessing about finding her a studio in Philadelphia. That would give her access to public transportation, major hospitals, colleges and social services. There are no studios where we live in the sticks so you need about 1000 a month for the most modest place.
I snooped in her purse to f ind it empty of drugs. to the best of my ability to dicern these things she has been clean since she got here. That being said, she does look odd. She is bathed and has her teeth brushed but her appearance is much deteriorated. Her beauty is gone. Her hair is long, bright red and extremely thin. She has it pulled back straight and tight to her head. She looks very serious and somewhat rigid. She is not fidgeting constantly which I was used to. Her arms are bare. No new tatoos as of yet but she is planning on one.
She looks and acts a lot more like the schizophrenics I see at NAMI meetings. There is a withdrawal, a disconnect about her. I can tell she is trying really hard to keep it all together. She is polite, greatful and careful with her commentary. This is still the honeymoon. I want to be ready when the honeymoon is over.
At the same time, I want to encourage whatever connection with normalcy she still enjoys. She talks about getting an ultrasound degree. I say, ok then lets get you a place near some colleges and then look into it.
I used to always say that it was no use. She just has to quit drugs before being able to accomplish anything. I said it cause I thought that it was true. At this point, I am thinking that a person needs to have hope so I am acting as if.
We are shaking and baking in Jersey. Temperatures have soared over 90 degrees today. I hope you all are enjoying the weather.
I told her to call the Dr. She has an appointment so I am sure he would renew them if she called. She has not done it. (I am not pushing this as I have seen her sell the psychiatric stuff for street drugs. Hard to believe there is an illegal market for prozac and lamictal as they do not make you high.)
I have been obsessing about finding her a studio in Philadelphia. That would give her access to public transportation, major hospitals, colleges and social services. There are no studios where we live in the sticks so you need about 1000 a month for the most modest place.
I snooped in her purse to f ind it empty of drugs. to the best of my ability to dicern these things she has been clean since she got here. That being said, she does look odd. She is bathed and has her teeth brushed but her appearance is much deteriorated. Her beauty is gone. Her hair is long, bright red and extremely thin. She has it pulled back straight and tight to her head. She looks very serious and somewhat rigid. She is not fidgeting constantly which I was used to. Her arms are bare. No new tatoos as of yet but she is planning on one.
She looks and acts a lot more like the schizophrenics I see at NAMI meetings. There is a withdrawal, a disconnect about her. I can tell she is trying really hard to keep it all together. She is polite, greatful and careful with her commentary. This is still the honeymoon. I want to be ready when the honeymoon is over.
At the same time, I want to encourage whatever connection with normalcy she still enjoys. She talks about getting an ultrasound degree. I say, ok then lets get you a place near some colleges and then look into it.
I used to always say that it was no use. She just has to quit drugs before being able to accomplish anything. I said it cause I thought that it was true. At this point, I am thinking that a person needs to have hope so I am acting as if.
We are shaking and baking in Jersey. Temperatures have soared over 90 degrees today. I hope you all are enjoying the weather.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
