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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Representative Payee

I forgot to mention that the judge recomended a representative payee. That means that a third party probably my husband or I will recieve and distribute her money. We are to make sure that it covers her basic needs such as food and shelter. No worries there. 700 per month will not pay for all of her rent here in NJ.

As a mother, I am greatly relieved to think that this makes it possible for me to see her with a roof over her head. I do not fault anyone who will not do this. My attitutude for the last 4 years was very different. I said and I followed with my actions that I will do absolutely nothing for you until you quit taking drugs.

I think that if Beth could have snapped out of this whole thing it would have happened during the last 4 years while she got no familial or governmental support. Her situation got worse in many sordid and painful ways. This all culminated with her disappearance earlier this Spring. We really thought that she was dead. We were looking in morgues and hospitals. It changed us in a way that I am sure  you do not understand unless you have done this. It is a whole other issue to face not knowing if your child is dead or alive and not having any idea of where to look for them.

Maybe she will hang on a little longer when we are not trying to control her. Giving her nothing was , after all another way to punish her.So far, it is better for the family and better for her. I will tell you the truth no matter which way it goes.

My son has gone to stay with friends. He does not accept his sister. He hold her totally accountable for all of her actions. He does not want to be in the same house with her. It seems strange to me that he has been very compasionate with the siblings of his friends who have gone bad on drugs but not with his sister.

He is shamed by her. I understand that. Really, I do as I have been shamed too but I wish he had a little more compassion for her. The rest of the family has been just great. Basically, they are worried about what might happen to me if I continue to suffer so they agree with our helping Beth. They say enough is enough, we tried all this tough love for 4 years.

That does not mean that we approve nor that we will finance her bad habits. Only that we want a roof over her head.  I have never worried about food as much as shelter. I figure that the desire to eat is a craving just like drugs, perhaps even more powerful. I figure that needing to choose between food and drugs might be good. Lack of shelter can lead to rape or exposure to the elements. There has been too much of that already.


  1. I think we each have to do what we feel is right at the time for ourselves and our families. I think the tough love is more about boundaries for our own sanity and well being than for the addict to get better. I can totally understand your take on getting her housing and SS, etc. The mental illness brings a whole different set of issues up and she needs assistance. My brother is bipolar and was on SS for years with a payee. I know kind of where you are coming from on this. He is fighting to get his back as he was incarcerated a little over a year, just enough time for them to cut him off and make him go through all the hoops again. As long as my brother makes some kind of effort, I will assist him. He does better when he lives with others, does not do well on his own at all.
    You know what you can live with and what you can't, and only you can know that. I am glad she got her SS approved and will have a roof over her head, it is very important. God Bless you and your precious daughter.

  2. I'm so happy to hear that she got approved for assistance and that you feel some relief. Your son is young...he will come around eventually. There will be good days and bad days...we need to embrace the good ones!!

  3. It's harder on some children than others. My eldest son is much the same way as yours. He doesn't want to be around his sister. He can't stand to see what her addiction does to me. They were so close as children, I hope that some day they can regain that. All I can do is allow my son to own his feelings. He has every right to feel the way he does. And my daughter needs to know this.
    I too worry about my daughter's rent way more than money for food or anything else. I'd be terrified if she didn't have an address. Even when she "disappears" while she's on a drug run at some point or another she always returns to her home. It breaks my heart thinking what you must have gone through when you didn't know where she was. So I understand why you would feel such relief right now.
    I pray for peace for you today. God bless both you and your daughter.

  4. Your son may be feeling a lot of things about his sister that he doesn't really know how to deal with so maybe its easier for him to distance himself.

    I think you are doing the right thing, you've tried the opposite approach and it didn't help. I hope and pray this is "it" for Beth.

  5. My oldest resents Caroline horribly. She is downright mean to her all of the time, even when Caroline is stable. I guess she'll work it out in therapy!

    Dr. Charles Parker in Virginia Beach, VA: phone number is 757-473-3770. Are you in the Northeast at all? I know that some of my online friends have traveled to get an appointment with Dr. Dimitri Papolos who is the authority on pediatric bipolar disorder but treats adults as well, I believe. He has a website entitled The Bipolar Child. I hope this helps!

  6. I just praise God that she is home and safe and will have money coming in and that it will go to you to distribute etc... so much good! I hope your son comes around, but they (Beth & your son) will have to work it out in their own time. I'm still waiting for my oldest and youngest daughters to "make up" - it's been three years. Our oldest couldn't stand the way Heather was treating us. In a conversation with Heather recently she mentioned needing to make up with her (step)sister. God's in control.
    I am so happy for you and Beth with the direction things are going! You've been through so much, and now things are looking up!
    Praise God!

  7. Hi Anna -

    I have an award for you on my blog!

  8. What a relief! This is good news. The kind that makes even me, a virtual stranger, smile!
    It makes me think, if only... I wish my daughter could/would apply for SS. We are paying her bills but there will be an end to that. We just cannot afford it. But, she can't hold a job.
    I cannot talk with my daughter but there is a blog site that occasionally posts photos of her. I devour them even though they are NOT the kind of photos that a mother wants to see of her daughter. I cringe and devour them. Is she too thin? The look on her face? Drunk/ Stoned? Happy? Sad? Or, is it the "crazy" look? Her scared eyes make me cry. But, I still check the site desperate to catch a glimpse of her. It isn't porn, rather scenes of New York City's Lower East Side dark side. Some of the photos are frightening. Some are just wild. In some of the photos, she is standing in the back of a crowd or I recognize her elbow ( she has freckles on them, her shoulders, knees and nose, too). It calms me when I find her in a photo. I know she is alive. I know that she isn't isolating.
    My son is usually sweet and calm but with his sister there is a raw anger that rises to the surface. I have never seen it in him except in reference to my daughter. He hates how she treats me. He is afraid of her yet doesn't want to hurt her and, like everyone else, treads so carefully around her that it irritates my daughter. I think that she is so unpredictable that he needs to protect himself. Making distance is the only way to do that.
    Of course, this splitting of the family hurts.
    xx kris

  9. I'm glad that some things are working out and that a decision has been made about helping Beth. I hope that things will continue to go well each day for all of you.

  10. My oldest is also quite tough on her brother and lacks compassion for his addiction and struggles,....seems to be a theme here of the oldest child being most fed up with their addicted sibling. And...small world, ..Dr. Parker above who commented is my son's doctor.

  11. Good good, again! I thought of your family this past month, because I feel like I went through a micro version of what Beth deals with maybe. I deal with depression and (more severely) Adult ADD. Both exacerbate each other. Before I was diagnosed, I had troubles with pills and drugs, attempting to self-medicate. Recently, my meds were all wrong, the doc made some changes, long story, but I was unwell. And suddenly, for the first time in YEARS, I felt those urges and cravings again! It really IS difficult, maybe moreso, when you are dealing with the hell of mental illness. It's hard just to get through the day, and you just want to feel "better". It was a good and humbling reminder for me, and I pray for you and your family as always.