Beth worked in the yard with her dad today. They bought and planted tomatoes and cucumbers. We went out for Sushi last night. She has been almost as normal as she gets. I can see that she is in physical pain. she also told me that she cries a lot and that her meds are gone.
I told her to call the Dr. She has an appointment so I am sure he would renew them if she called. She has not done it. (I am not pushing this as I have seen her sell the psychiatric stuff for street drugs. Hard to believe there is an illegal market for prozac and lamictal as they do not make you high.)
I have been obsessing about finding her a studio in Philadelphia. That would give her access to public transportation, major hospitals, colleges and social services. There are no studios where we live in the sticks so you need about 1000 a month for the most modest place.
I snooped in her purse to f ind it empty of drugs. to the best of my ability to dicern these things she has been clean since she got here. That being said, she does look odd. She is bathed and has her teeth brushed but her appearance is much deteriorated. Her beauty is gone. Her hair is long, bright red and extremely thin. She has it pulled back straight and tight to her head. She looks very serious and somewhat rigid. She is not fidgeting constantly which I was used to. Her arms are bare. No new tatoos as of yet but she is planning on one.
She looks and acts a lot more like the schizophrenics I see at NAMI meetings. There is a withdrawal, a disconnect about her. I can tell she is trying really hard to keep it all together. She is polite, greatful and careful with her commentary. This is still the honeymoon. I want to be ready when the honeymoon is over.
At the same time, I want to encourage whatever connection with normalcy she still enjoys. She talks about getting an ultrasound degree. I say, ok then lets get you a place near some colleges and then look into it.
I used to always say that it was no use. She just has to quit drugs before being able to accomplish anything. I said it cause I thought that it was true. At this point, I am thinking that a person needs to have hope so I am acting as if.
We are shaking and baking in Jersey. Temperatures have soared over 90 degrees today. I hope you all are enjoying the weather.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago