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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Locked and Loaded

The tension is palatable. Beth is wound up like a spring.  She looks like she is ready to scream or scratch. I am keeping my distance.

She went to the public defender today on a wandering in a drug zone charge. The public defender is the father of her childhood friends. Their mother and I used to have play dates once a week for our kids. They must be shocked that this happened and I imagine shocked that neither my husband or I were there.

It really did not seem to bother her much but maybe it did. I know that her knees and back are throbbing. They are much worse than when she left for Florida.

It is amazing how much hostility can be conveyed without any threats or profanity. She told me today that her life would have been so much better if I let her date the boy next door.  She had a very angry and defiant tone. I said, as I recall he was 5 year older than you and had a cocaine habit. She denied that and I said well maybe you are right but that is what his Mom said. I let it drop. I did not call her on her hostility. I hope and pray it is because of the rough day and the pain.

I am trying to let a beautiful wall stand between us. I am trying to mind my own business. I want to do for her what I would do If she were only mentally ill. The boundaries on that are that I will have to draw back if doing those things to her become a danger to me. It is a tightrope tonight.


  1. Anna, I am sorry you have such a hard time with Beth. I can understand how two lives that are so totally different have a hard time under one roof. Just try to make the best of it, being with her. I pray that you have the strength to see it through. You sound like you got a good grip on it!

  2. Such a painful place for any momma to be in. You are right though...protect yourself. Take good care of you first, because if you go under then what. It sounds like she is not in a place where you can rationalize with her. Let her thoughts be her's and yours be yours.

  3. I continue to keep you and Beth in my prayers. It's so hard and painful to watch your child suffer and be helpless to fix it. That was the hardest part of the whole addiction thing for me....all his life (my son) I fixed things...when he fell I fixed it, when he had a cold, I fixed it, when his feelings were hurt, I fixed. That's what mom's do, isn't it? Then all of a sudden I was faced with something I not only couldn't fix, I couldn't even touch it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you both.

  4. Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone...

  5. I caught up with your posts this morning. Yesterday on The Doctors, there was an entire segment devoted to intervention with teens who are drug addicted. I kept thinking of your situation the whole time. The whole gist of the show was that addicts are unable to rescue themselves from their addiction if left to themselves. These kids who for the most part had parents who were willing to allow a drug counselor who specializes in intervention step in, which appeared to involve actually entering their homes and picking them up and taking them to a drug rehab place with their agreement, however small, that they will die otherwise. One of the girls was rescued by a drug counselor who walked the streets looking for these kids, who were selling their bodies for heroin and crack. I was struck by the fact that these kids didn't check themselves into a clinic or seek out help, but that others did what they could not do for themselves, because they were too sick to make that kind of decision. I am fully aware of the dangers of codependency, and that enabling a person never helps them you know. But there are critical times in the lives of young people who are mentally ill and trapped in addiction, that loved ones can step in and possibly create an opportunity for change that will last a lifetime. There are no guarantees, but I do believe that if you love that person deeply, and you choose to act with wisdom, not out of codependency, you can make a powerful difference in their lives if you go the second mile so to speak. The prodigal needs to know that loving arms await them when they admit powerlessness to change and a need for mercy and grace. We are all prodigals in a way, just on different levels, and the wonderful thing about a person who has fallen so far is that they know they can't "save" themselves. The first step is "I can't make life work" and then "Who can help me?" You are a loving mother who is doing what she intuitively knows she must do to attempt to save her daughter, but knowing at the same time that she is not her savior, ultiimately. God alone can save Beth. Keep giving her to God as you walk this fine line of helping her to find life but also caring for your own sanity. Doing what is right isn't always the easy path, is it? My mom told me we should put Caroline is an institution, and forget trying to raise her. That would be the "easy" road, but not the road God has called us to. There is joy in the long journey of faith, caring for those who can't ever repay us.

  6. It's amazing how the thinking goes: MY life would be fine if only YOU.... As an Al-Anon I've struggled with the same delusion. Amazing to me how this disease really is two sides of the same coin.

    Unfortunately, we are powerless over the self-awareness of those we love. They have to find it in their own way and at their own time.

    Detaching with love is so hard. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Hugs to you.

  7. A beautiful wall makes a lot of sense. I wish that things were going better but detaching is a good thing to do.

  8. Thanks to all of you.


    I really liked the part about the prodigal and mercy.