The Relief OF Tears

I woke up at five this morning crying and crying. My daughter's situation seems to be mixed in with the emotions that keep washing over me regarding the death of my mother and two dear friends in the last three months.You might think this would be negative but I actually felt a lot better today. It seems it was good for me to cry intensely and then get on with the business of living for the day. It is sort of like the difference between feeling nautious all day or just throwing up and feeling better.


I went on to spend the day visiting a number of very talented teachers. The first class was a guitar ensemble. They were playing some very complex but soothing pieces from Mozart and Bach. It was really beautiful and serene. It occured to me that I could listen to this type of music everday for some interludes of comfort.

Next, I visited two art teachers that were so talented. Their students were doing self-portraits. The likenesses were incredible. They invited me back at the end of the day to create a hand painted silk scarf with some other faculty members. All in all it was a good day. It was a bit of calm amidst the storm.

Beth Cancelled Dr. Appointment

She cancelled her appointment and rescheduled for next Wed. She is back in her apartment and taking her psych meds. She called me over and over again wanting to know why I think she is doing poorly. I was like...... well it is your business but I do not want to watch you kill yourself. You were living with a heavy user, you have needle marks in your neck so that is what leads me to think you are doing poorly.

I said that I would only believe a urine test that was observed by a nurse or Dr. If she wants me to hold the suboxone for her then I need to know that she is taking it. I need to know that she is not bringing in someone else's urine. She called me a bitch and hung up. Then she called back several more times but I did not answer. Then, she texted that she would consent to such a test at her next appointment. She feels bad that I do not believe her. She is a different person. She did not have to tell me she was living in a drug house but she did.

OK we will see how it works out that way. One in a million chance that she is telling the truth or will at least try to get a grip on herself between now and next week. The suboxone does help but she has to still live without the high and take it.

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow Beth will go to the suboxone Dr. at 4. I will meet her there and she will be drug tested. We will see if the suboxone is in her system and what else is there as well. I am not sure if we will see the results right at the office or in a day. I stopped by the Dr office today. I told her that Beth is staying with a very heavy user. This much she admits to. Even if by some miracle she is not doing heroine right now, it is not a healthy place where she can stay clean.

Tom from recovery helpdesk is supposed to talk with Beth on the phone at 1. I will be surprised if she picks up but she said that she would. I finally told my husband all about this. It started just before he left with dd2 for the weekend.

He was a big help in getting my emotions back in the box. You know what I mean don't you?. I mean not exactly where my emotions are not hurting me but out of sight, somewhat organized and contained.

Beth was going to work with a life coach as well but today she told me that she does not need anymore counselling. Did I mention that she told me she is shooting water into her neck because she misses the needle but she is not doing crack or heroine?

I am trying to detach with love at this point. I have to create some distance to protect my sanity and my ability to sleep, work and interact like a somewhat normal person.

What hurts worse?

I knew that I was suffering watching Beth slowly kill herself but it was not until recently that I really understood just how excrutiating the pain is.  I watched my mother writhing in pain from blood clots, then gangrene. I watched her kineys fail and tried to comfort her. My father, my sister's and I agonized over the end of life decisions. When to let go and when to hang on. It was exhausting and excrutiating. When the end came it still caught me by surprise. It made me nautious, weak and gasping for breath through my tears. My mother's death was very painful but was it more painful than the many many days, weeks and months of my daughters addiction?


Eventhough I loved my mother.......... the addiction is worse because the loss goes on and on. I am exposed to a level of degradation and desperation that I did not know existed. Many of you are parents of addicts so you know the pain. I wonder if the addicts know how much they hurt us?  I wonder if their counselors know how much they hurt us.?

Not The Boyfriend Tells Me She is Still Using

     Beth's friend Mike tells me that she is still using crack...... injecting it in her neck now. She has left his place and her psychiatric meds behind. She is couch surfing from place to place. Will not go back to her apartment it is too far away. Will not come to my house as the rules are too strict.  Is there any point of getting off heroine if you are still doing crack? Especially if you are still using needles?

Yesterday was one month since my Mom died. I have had two good girlfriends die since December. All of these deaths were preceded by short but difficult illnesses of a few months. Yesterday my husband said that I talk about death and depressing things too much. I said......." but that is all we have left in our lives."

I know that is not the right way to feel and I know I have to get my own life back on track. I do not particularly like cleaning house but I think I will. It appeals to me now as something that I can actually control!

How TO Pace Yourself at Work

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I have been so depleted lately. I just come home, sit in the chair and can not move. It occured to me that I forgot to apply what I know about pace.

1. People are more efficient and make less errors when they take breaks.
2. I can and should make my own breaks.
3. Take a full hour for lunch or how ever much time you are aloud. If you have some time left over go for a walk, sit in your car beside a pretty place or listen to an audio book. I ate my sandwhich while watching the ducks.
4. Stand up and walk around every 60 to 90 minutes.
5.  Do not add anything to today's list of things to do. When something comes up put it on the next day's list unless it is a dire emergency. If it is a dire emergency move something from today's list till tommorow's list.


I followed these rules today and had a good amount of energy at the end of the day. What a relief! Life was worth living. I plan to repeat this behavior tomorrow. Maybe you will too!

Who Would Break Up A Romance by TEXT?

My youngest daughter Chris just got dumped by her boyfriend of 6 months. He seemed to be absolutely infatuated with her and she with him. Turns out he was communicating with the x girlfriend all along. When Crhistine was away for the weekend with her Dad, boyfriend got together with old girlfriend and texted Chris that the feeling was gone. They are young. She is resilient but she was left, shaken, crying and throwing up.

I feel bad that I did not see through this too much too soon over the moon bullshit but there it is .  He ws a player mascarading as a true blue so much in love good guy.  He fooled me too!  Also do not understand why he wanted to ruin her little get away with her Dad. He could have been a man, waited one more day till she came home and then done the deed in person.

I sure hope this is not the norm now breaking up by text!