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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Monday, March 28, 2011

What hurts worse?




I knew that I was suffering watching Beth slowly kill herself but it was not until recently that I really understood just how excrutiating the pain is.  I watched my mother writhing in pain from blood clots, then gangrene. I watched her kineys fail and tried to comfort her. My father, my sister's and I agonized over the end of life decisions. When to let go and when to hang on. It was exhausting and excrutiating. When the end came it still caught me by surprise. It made me nautious, weak and gasping for breath through my tears. My mother's death was very painful but was it more painful than the many many days, weeks and months of my daughters addiction?


Eventhough I loved my mother.......... the addiction is worse because the loss goes on and on. I am exposed to a level of degradation and desperation that I did not know existed. Many of you are parents of addicts so you know the pain. I wonder if the addicts know how much they hurt us?  I wonder if their counselors know how much they hurt us.?

13 comments:

  1. I don't think they really do know how much they hurt us....maybe once (if) they really get into continued recovery.

    I'm so sorry for your continuing pain,....I wish it wasn't so. :(

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  2. I think that they are hurting because they know and yet they can't stop because of the addiction. I pray that you let God help you in this journey.

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  3. The addicts don't care how much they hurt us. They only think about themselves. Our pain is of no concern to them. We continue to suffer because our love for our kids cannot be broken. We can only take care of ourselves. That is the conclusion I have come to. I continue to suffer along with all of you out there who love their addicted kids. I miss my daughter more than anything and love her and pray for her every day.
    I am sorry you have to suffer so much.

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  4. I really do not think that they realize how much hurt and pain that their addiction has caused us even when they are in recovery (my son has been for about a year). I don't think that anyone can truly understand what it feels like being on the other side of addiction unless you actually experience it.

    I'm praying for you.

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  5. Anna, I am so sorry you, and all of us have to suffer like this. Its awful. I don't think our children can comprehend the depths of hurt they cause because they have never been in our shoes. I believe my son when he tells me he's sorry for hurting me, and I think if he could walk away he would. If only it were that easy. I'm concerned for Beth.

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  6. Anna, you have been through so much in such a short time.

    I went to an N/A meeting last night and the topic was compassion. Several stated how they had no compassion until they were sober for a while. They were blinded by the pain they inflicted because they were in so much pain themselves.

    I don't think any of our children realize the pain we are in just as we can't feel their pain. My son has told me before that there is no way that I could hate him more than he hates himself. How could he ever think I hate him? He told me because of all the pain he causes our family. The more they hate themselves the more they use - at least mine.

    I am so sorry for Beth and for you.

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  7. Anna - Although my son has been clean from drugs for 19 months...it seems there is a sadness deep down that surfaces from time to time. I'm sure time will heal it. I hope that you're able to detach enough to let life's beauty shine within you and have faith that Beth will find her way! Sending peace and love to you and Beth!!

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  8. I had a friend who got cancer and I was so sad. An Alanon friend said "Yeah, that's sad. But people will bring her family dinner, will send cards, will clean her house....our kids are sick and instead people look at us like we failed as parents, they don't talk to us because they don't know what to say, they act like its not happening."

    Its just different. It is. And it is so sad. I don't think our kids understand how much they are hurting us. I don't think they will fully understand until they are healthy and having babies of their own.

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  9. In prayer for you and your family.

    I don't believe our children will ever know how their addiction truly affects us.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  10. There is a suffering only a mom of a very sick child can know. Your daughter is very sick and you are a victim of her addiction too. I wish I could just make it all better for you. I hate it when my friends suffer so much. Most of those around you don't get the pain you go through daily. I am praying for a breakthrough, a permanent breakthrough.

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  11. Anna - I haven't checked in with you for a while, and am so sorry to read of your pain and Beth's continuing problems. I'm putting your name and Beth's in to my Prayer Box. You can see a picture of it on my blog (search for Prayer Box). Please know that I understand your pain, desperation and helpless feelings - - - and that as long as Beth is alive, there is still hope. Hang on - but try to take care of yourself. Al-Anon has helped me as I try to recover from the effects of my daughter's addiction.

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  12. In my addiction, I fought with my mom so much that it was easy to just rely on those fights in order to justify my behavior. I knew I was hurting my parents at times, and when my heart would start to pound, feeling guilty about it all, I became very adept at pushing that away, bringing our fights to the forefront of my mind, and also that was always an excuse to use a little more dope. In my addiction, I was convinced that I was right, that I was okay. Almost just as much as I was convinced that I needed opiates for the imaginary pain in my leg, my back, my foot, etc. It is not that we do not care, but it is more that our view of the world is so off kilter that we do not understand. I realize now that I was the root of the fights, and that I did hurt my family very much...but, when we are in the throes of addiction, things do not always appear as they really are.

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  13. Thank you all and especially Blemons. You tell me things from the addicts point of view that I would never think of.

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