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Welcome to my blog. I hope we can help each other endure the pain of the addiction of a daughter or son.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Shocked Again by Crack

Many unspeakable things have happened and I am burned out. To make a long and excrutiating story short Beth has been using crack since the very first day she got out of the hospital. She has been leaving the apartment for hours at a time in her body cast .  She threw me and her caretaker out because we would not give her money for the crack. She refused to see a Dr. and threatened to hang herself. I called 911. They came and found her walking the streets in her body cast. She refused to go with them and they let her refuse.  I knew that would happen but I had to try. (All they have to say is ...."I don't feel that way anymore."

I do not want her to die but she is definately killing herself with these drugs.She had plenty enough morphine and percoset and clonoprin to just sleep but that was not enough she wanted crack. She is wild abusive and down right dangerous to herself and others when she is on crack.

I had pains in my chest after my latest tour of the bowels of hell. I am so sorry but I have come to the point where I have to save myself. I fear for my sanity and my health. There is more to this than I can bring myself to write. I am fearful, disgusted but more than that just burned out.

There comes a point in all illness where there is no more quality of life. She is there. I want her to live so much but everything I do only prolongs her suffering. I can not make her change or even slow her down one iota. She was able to get crack in her body cast without any cash. She clearly wants crack more than life, more than pain relief, more than anything. YEars ago, her sister asked her how could you destroy our familly. We were happy. We had love and fun and all the good things in life. Beth said, " that is true but none of that comes even close to what I get from crack.

I did not believe her then but I believe it now. I am going to save myself if I still can.

I told her to stop calling me. I gave her numbers for social services, etc. If she can arrange for rides, clients and try to black mail her cargiver into letting her sell her perscription opiates for crack then I do believe she can get herself to the Dr. or arrange for rehab. I have been through rehab with her 8 times already. I have no intention of participating again. I told her that she needs 90 days clean with tests to document before I will take a call from her. I called the crisis center. I called 911.

She will have to find someone else to be her rep payee for SSI. I am done. This was my bottom. When I get near her I get beat up emotionally and it does her no good. I could take the abuse if it did some good for her but it does not.

This is where my thousand and one ideas on how to help her have led. I said I would tell you the truth and there it is.


  1. Anna, I don't know what to write here. But I will pass along something that Pam over at Sobriety is Exhausting wrote. It is simple and sums up a lot:

    "It really doesn't matter sweet precious what you are comfortable with. Spend all your money trying to help or spend none of your money. Take their calls or don't take their calls. Pay for them an apartment or give them your home. Dis-own them or clutch them tight. All your pain is about you....saying this with love. Your fear of wanting them to be healthy and happy and sane. Since none of this is within your power to give them, then do what makes you able to sleep at night, do what makes life bearable for you. Your addict/alcoholic is doing what makes life bearable for them......aren't we all?"

  2. Oh Anna, it was heartbreaking to read this. I can't begin to find words to express my sorrow for what you and your family are going through. I admire you decision to walk away because what you said is so true: there comes a point in an illness where there is no more quality of life. That's not to say there's no hope for her, but for your health walking away is the only option. You've done everything you can and you've been through hell. My heart goes out to you in a huge way.

  3. Sometimes, it is what you have to do. My parents let me go, and the addiction still progressed for years. Thank god, I made it out alive, and I am still sober today...

  4. So sorry. The time has come for you to detach and hand your daughter over to God. I pray that you find some peace and healing. Take care.

  5. Anna, my heart aches for your family. I can't think of anything to write, that hasn't been written above. I can't imagine the pain you are in, and I can't think of anything else you could possibly do. You do need to save yourself.

    I am so sorry for your pain.

  6. I'm praying for Beth. Only God's grace can change anything now.

  7. I'm very sorry Anna. Time to walk away. Please, consider going to a grief counselor. I know it will help. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. {{{Hugs}}}

  8. I am so sorry to read this. I'm praying for you and your healing.

  9. I can't imagine the pain you and your family must be going thru. You have done all that you can.

  10. Anna, what a terrible, heart-rending point to reach. Everything I would say has been said above. I will be praying, a lot and often, for intervention/healing for your daughter and for you and the rest of the family.

  11. Thanks my friends. I lost my mom and my mother in law in less than two months and it hurt but not nearly as much as what we have already been through with Beth. Pray for me to have the strength to stay away from her. Pray for her to heal. I still feel the same today as yesterday.

  12. I know that you feel like you have been banging your head against the wall and now the headache does not seem to go away. The only way it will disappear is if you walk away. I wish you strength. It is hard, but it can be done. I know, I had to do it. I am praying for you and Beth.