No to rehab. Yes to skin Dr.

The answer I got to my desparate text asking her to go to rehab was no. Today, she was ready early to go to the skin Dr. Her bruises were covered up and she had on black leggings which covered a lot of her rash. She seemed perfectly, normal which was of course somewhat startling given her demeanor lately.

The dermatologist said it was probably a kind of psoriasis brought on by strep. She gave her a blood test, and 2 biopsies for skin cancer. She wrote a perscription for two steriod creams. Beth has to and wants to go back there in two weeks to get the stitches out.

She showed me the clothes that she bought yesterday minus the shoes. Sooo, she did not return the clothes for drug money as there they were.

She claims (I have heard this 20 times already) that she is getting a car tonight. The  boyfriend owes her a car for taking care of his dyeing mother.

I got a good look at the bruises and they were pretty extensive. She said that she fell of her bike from stopping too fast to avoid a car. They look like they could have been caused this way.

So round and round we go.

Thanks you so much for your support yesterday. I was at a very weak point and it meant a lot to me.

Fast and Furious Addiction Crisis

We are in the soup again. Younger daughter to Beth shopping today for a pant suit. She actually behaved pretty well but was all bruised up. Younger daughter assumed it was from the boyfriend. Eventhough Beth told me she and the boyfriend broke up, that is where she wanted to be dropped off.

I asked Beth about the bruises and she claims to have been hit by a car while riding her bike. WOW  Hit by a car....... covered in a terrible rash.........looks like she was beaten  up.

Oh, and did I mention that she also got her younger sister to return the reciepts to her because the shoes she bought were too high? Looks like she scammed me out of money by faking a shopping trip.

I rescheduled my husband's spine Dr. for tommorow so that I can go with Beth to the dermitologist. I am pulled between all these needy people and do not take care of myself well enough either.

I am worried about her. She is apparently at one of her lower points now...... constantly scamming, in very poor health, beat up and spiraling on down.

God grant me the serenity to find the eye of this hurricane. Thank you God for keeping her alive so far. Please, please let her live to see another day. Please show her the way now as I fear there is not much more time.

I just texted her the following:  I feel that you are very near death my love. I pray that you have a moments clarity. Remember Straight and Narrow?( a long term rehab).

Texting

Today was better than yesterday. I got several texts from Beth of a more positive nature. She wants to buy a pant suit for a big race coming up. She made plans to go to Florida. She intends to go to the Dr. appointment to see about the rash.

I texted her ok to all of the above and said that I am pleased that she sounds better and now has a few things to look forward to. I am not up to spending more time with her than the appt. so I said I would transfer the money to her acct and she can provide the reciept. Her boss will take her to the store. She will bring me the reciepts. If she does not or if she ends up without the proper clothes then there will be no furthur purchases. I tell you this but I did not tell her. She already knows.

Sometimes it is better to text as it removes some of the emotion. I need to remember that she can be and often is very very miserable one minute and happy the next. This exists because of her rapid cycling bipolar disorder even without the drugs.

Emotional Wreck Today

     Beth called to say she is back at her apartment after a breakup with the boyfriend who did not buy her a car after all. Her rash, which she told me was better when she broke the dermatologist apointment is much worse. It now covers her entire body except the face.

    She refused to see anymore doctors unless I would release the money to buy her a car. She was lonely, desperate and manipulative. She pushed all of my guilt buttons while claiming to be clean. I hung up and then made her an appointment with the dermatologist. I texted her that I would be available to take her there on Tuesday.

I spent about 5 hours just spinning round and round emotionally actually contemplating spending her last dollar to buy her a car so that she could get her ownself to appts etc.

When she has a car she hangs out with a worse crowd that is the crowd that are on foot willing to pay or exchange drugs for a ride. When she had a car she still rarely went to her own apartment. When she had a car it started out beautiful but had multiple big huge dents way before she wrecked it.

She claimed that I had renigged on my offer to buy her a car if she was 90 days clean. She claims to have done 90 days on suboxone. She was doing one drug test per week. I know that she can cheat on one per week. I did think she cut down but I do not think she was clean. I said start right now and do 2 tests a week and lets see how you do. She said no transportation and I said I would pay for that as long as the tests were clean. She told me to ------ myself up the -----.

She said no more doctors for her. It is not worth living without a car.  It is always the same. She threatens to hurt herself or not take care of herself in some way to get me to give her what she wants. She has indeed attempted suicide three times in the past but always due to men .

 I said I had to go and hung up. I texted her to say I would take her to Dr. eventhough she can ride the senior bus but she will not. She texted back ok a few hours later. Here we go again. Is it a full moon?

Coffee Shop

DH and I went to a coffee shop/book store in town tonight. A local musician sang her heart out all night with nothing but her guitar and a small amplifier that was barely on. We knew and loved every single song. Everyone told a story and had a great melody.

She was playing for tips. There were a couple of rough looking street people outside who wondered in an out getting books but everyone behaved. The concert was well attended by a number of people who remembered Woodstock and a few including the singer who had been there.

Family Photos

The last time I started looking at pictures from when the kids were little it put me in a tail spin of depression that took several days before I could quit being weepy.

Today I started to organize them again but just for 30 minutes. I cried a little but then I could see that we were really a happy family pre addiction. Oh no they can't take that away from me.

Cataract Success

I am pleased to report that it looks like the cataract surgery was a big success. What a relief. My husband had his worst eye operated on first. That eye had some damage of the retina from retinopathy. He was legally blind in that eye so they removed the cataract from that one first. We knew that his vision would not be normal.

Well, the first thing I noticed was that he could not understand why I was cautioning him not to trip over various objects when it was not dark. (He could tell that it was not dark! Big improvement.)

Next, he told me how pleased he was that he could read the baseball scores on TV and he could see the actor's faces. Yikes,  I didn't know that he could not see the faces before but I sure am glad that he can see them now.

Thank God and thank the doctors. We are happy with this news today.

Hidden Drugs

Actually, I never found drugs in my house. I think that Beth was so far gone that every ounce available was consumed. Once, however, I did find a crack pipe. It was not in a place that we were likely to search for drugs. It was right underneath my own bed!

Cataract Surgery

Hubby had cataract surgery this morning. He has been sleeping for most of the day and I have been puttering around the house to keep an eye on him.


Beth called yesterday say that she had cancelled the Dr. appt. and that the rash had gone away. A little later she was collecting metal which she does once a week. We had gone to the Mall with my youngest daughter in her car. Beth apparently thought we were home but not answering the door. She texted and called frantically on the cell phone. (We have never refused to answer the door to her.)

I have been watching the new show Political Animals with interest. The son is addicted and he is an expert at iliciting guilt and sympathy from his parents. Someone who wrote that had to know a real life addict. I would be interested to hear your thoughts on the way this show deals with addiction. It is on demand and also on USA on Sunday evenings.

Barb B Q and Angst

We went to a nice barb b que today. The weather broke and it was great to sit outdoors without the sweltering heat.

Tommorrow morning I will take Beth to the skin specialist. She has an alarming looking rash all over her arms, legs, stomach and back. Her face is pretty clear. She has been to two doctors already that did not know what it is. One told her to come back in a week after giving her a steroid cream. The other gave her a steriod shot and told her to go to a dermitologist.

You can just imagine all the things that I could let myself imagine but I am using all of my compartmentalizing skills to just wait to see what the Dr. says and deal with it from there.

In the afternoon, I am taking my niece who is in Law school out to lunch. Then we will go to see her new apartment which is right across from Rutgers in Camden. She wanted me to meet her there but I said that I would not go there without an escort. She laughed and plans to escort me after lunch.

I will take Ron's advice and tell Beth that I love her and believe in her. Bye for now.

Fifty-Six and Counting

     My birthday came and went. I am now 56. It has been 6 years now that my daughter's addiction has been a part of our lives. We have learned to cope, establish boundaries but still see her from time to time.

She is interested in the horse races now. It seems to give her a reason to get up. She exercises regularly and does not look to bad. She has been on suboxone for a few months now. She gets tested once a week which has seemed to do her a world of good.

Odd, erratic things still happen. I think she still uses other drugs but has quit doing heroine on a regular basis. She seems emotionally much more stable so I believe she is taking he psych meds.

She no longer dominates my life with all her troubles but oh I do miss the old Beth. She was the best at everything and not too sweet. I thought she would be the next Martha Stewart or a young olympian but bipolar disorder, a sexual attack,  debilitating knee injury and subsequent addiction exploded those dreams into little bits.

My birthday was sweet. My sister and my youngest daughter threw a surprise party for me. My Dad was there with his new girlfriend. He seemed healthy and strong which delighted me as we almost lost him recently. I liked the new girlfriend as a person. I will do my best to make her feel welcome in spite of the queasy feeling it gives me to see some other woman in my Mom's house.

My sister's prodigal son was there but not my Beth. They did not invite her. They thought that it would be hard enough to deal with my nephew's antics. They were probably right and it was somewhat of a relief not to worry about how Beth would look, smell, act etc. None the less I missed the concept of my first baby being with me on my birthday.

I do make sure to invite her to all the major holidays when I am involved in the planning and no one tells me otherwise. The family is decent to her at these affairs and she is usually decent to them.

My husband retired sort of. As he worked for himself he really did not make moves to settle things until after his retirement date. He now works seven days a week trying to tie up loose ends on a thirty-five year career. He has some health issues to manage before we can decide where to go from here geografically.

I will be teaching 2 courses at a local university in the fall. Another University asked me to teach two more courses for them at their satelite center but I am not sure yet if those courses will fly. So...... I am sort of retired too. If al 4 courses go then I will be working full time but most of that time will be spent in my own home with about 15 hours on campus. It sounds like a pretty good gig to me.