Beth called to say she is back at her apartment after a breakup with the boyfriend who did not buy her a car after all. Her rash, which she told me was better when she broke the dermatologist apointment is much worse. It now covers her entire body except the face.
She refused to see anymore doctors unless I would release the money to buy her a car. She was lonely, desperate and manipulative. She pushed all of my guilt buttons while claiming to be clean. I hung up and then made her an appointment with the dermatologist. I texted her that I would be available to take her there on Tuesday.
I spent about 5 hours just spinning round and round emotionally actually contemplating spending her last dollar to buy her a car so that she could get her ownself to appts etc.
When she has a car she hangs out with a worse crowd that is the crowd that are on foot willing to pay or exchange drugs for a ride. When she had a car she still rarely went to her own apartment. When she had a car it started out beautiful but had multiple big huge dents way before she wrecked it.
She claimed that I had renigged on my offer to buy her a car if she was 90 days clean. She claims to have done 90 days on suboxone. She was doing one drug test per week. I know that she can cheat on one per week. I did think she cut down but I do not think she was clean. I said start right now and do 2 tests a week and lets see how you do. She said no transportation and I said I would pay for that as long as the tests were clean. She told me to ------ myself up the -----.
She said no more doctors for her. It is not worth living without a car. It is always the same. She threatens to hurt herself or not take care of herself in some way to get me to give her what she wants. She has indeed attempted suicide three times in the past but always due to men .
I said I had to go and hung up. I texted her to say I would take her to Dr. eventhough she can ride the senior bus but she will not. She texted back ok a few hours later. Here we go again. Is it a full moon?
She refused to see anymore doctors unless I would release the money to buy her a car. She was lonely, desperate and manipulative. She pushed all of my guilt buttons while claiming to be clean. I hung up and then made her an appointment with the dermatologist. I texted her that I would be available to take her there on Tuesday.
I spent about 5 hours just spinning round and round emotionally actually contemplating spending her last dollar to buy her a car so that she could get her ownself to appts etc.
When she has a car she hangs out with a worse crowd that is the crowd that are on foot willing to pay or exchange drugs for a ride. When she had a car she still rarely went to her own apartment. When she had a car it started out beautiful but had multiple big huge dents way before she wrecked it.
She claimed that I had renigged on my offer to buy her a car if she was 90 days clean. She claims to have done 90 days on suboxone. She was doing one drug test per week. I know that she can cheat on one per week. I did think she cut down but I do not think she was clean. I said start right now and do 2 tests a week and lets see how you do. She said no transportation and I said I would pay for that as long as the tests were clean. She told me to ------ myself up the -----.
She said no more doctors for her. It is not worth living without a car. It is always the same. She threatens to hurt herself or not take care of herself in some way to get me to give her what she wants. She has indeed attempted suicide three times in the past but always due to men .
I said I had to go and hung up. I texted her to say I would take her to Dr. eventhough she can ride the senior bus but she will not. She texted back ok a few hours later. Here we go again. Is it a full moon?
OH Anna...I'm so sorry. Her verbally abusive comment would be enough for me to say, "We will talk more later" and hang up. You are offering what you are willing to give to her and she is refusing to budge. She is creating the hardship in her own life....not you. Be strong my friend. I hope she will go to the dr on Tuesday. My girl has court and a dr app on Monday. I am praying she makes it to both and finds some sort of hope there. So far she has asked for nothing....no co-payment, no gas money, no extra company to tag along....and I am fine with that. We will see how this week plays out for our girls and ourselves. Do what you need to do to keep yourself sane and taken care of Anna. Its ok to do that.
ReplyDeleteThanks Annette,
DeleteI will be thinking of you and praying for you and your girl on Monday.
I understand how emotionally taxing it is to deal with the addict mentality. There is nothing you can do to make Beth change her manipulation of threatening to harm herself. The only thing you can change is how you handle it.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite online "shirks" is Dr. Lastname @f*ckfeelings.com. He gives no nonsense advice without a bunch of the slogans we are all too familiar with. You can search his archives but maybe this
post will help you today.
Thanks Lou,
DeleteI read the post and it was helpful. This guy is quirky but very insightful.
I've been reading your posts, but this one got my attention because I have been exactly where you are now; bargaining with my addicted daughter. I'm an enabler (in recovery), and I recognize you are too. From one mother to another mother...stop helping her - we've done nothing but help them stay stuck in addiction. I had been doing this for 12 years until finally I got help last year. My daughter also has mental health issues plus the addiction. I tell you this with the kindest of heart; this will not stop with your daughter until YOU change. I will tell you it's been very hard, and there are times when she finds my weakness, but believe me I'm much better physically and mentally than I was a year ago. I wish nothing but peace and happiness for yourself.
ReplyDeleteIn what way would you say that I enabled her? Did you think that taking her to a skin doctor was enabling?
DeleteI am curious as to how you would have handled this differently so as to avoid all the emotional turmoil.
I hope that you find your balance in the midst of your daughter's problems. Loving detachment is about all that seems to work to keep a person sane. I am hoping for the best for you and for Beth.
ReplyDelete