Today my daughter called me to say that she was going to kill herself tonight. She was upset that she lost her driver's licence and upset that I told her to find out where the fine had to go. She wanted me to use her money to pay the fine and I had agreed to that but I wanted her to find out the rest.
She also said that she wanted to be cremated. I felt that it was mostly anger as she was cursing up a storm at me. Anyhow, I caved and called her back saying that I would take care of the fine. She said it is not just that. She is tired of living. She can't stand to be without her family. She wants to come home. She hates AA and NA. She is clean. She cried and cried and said that she is so lonely and so alone.
I said that she has to decide to live. The drugs are just a way of killing herself. I said that the drugs keep kicking the crap out of her just like an abusive boyfriend. ............I know it doesn't feel like it but I do love you and I always will. Please tell me where you are and I will send an ambulance.
I told her that I still offer her Phoenix House. She said in Rhode ISland? I said ..... yeah it is good weather now in Rhode Island. It is not all NA and AA. You live and work there. There is hope in that and there is hope in methadone. I said that I still believe in her. That I still think she can put this life behind her and have many good years ahead. Please think about it and I will pray for you.
She said that no one would take her home from NA. She said that people refused to talk to her after she relapsed. She said she loved me and I said I loved her. Take care, I said....... and she hung up.
Now I wait. ...... This is a mentally ill and drug addicted person who has just come off a major binge and has been off meds for several weeks at least. An addict is very hard to cope with. A mentally ill person is very hard to cope with. Put them both together and there is my Beth.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago