Warning: I am feeling sorry for myself today.
I woke up super early and could not get back to sleep so I went to work about 2 hours early. We have not heard from Beth in over a week and it is at this point that I really start to worry about her. I have no peace of mind when I do not know where she is or how she is. Last I heard she found a bunch of roomates and it was only supposed to cost 350 a month to keep this roof over her head.
I confess that I am seriously thinking of footing this Bill. Shelter for about 4000 a year might be worth it to me. At this point, I torture myself with thoughts of her being on the street and exploited.
Do I really know that she is capable of change? What if she is not capable and I am holding her responsible. That would make me a bad mother and a bad person. On the other hand, is the whole enabling thing. I have not seen her try very hard or very long and that is why I have chosen my current course which is not enabling and really distancing myself for self preservation.
I am so afraid for her. Afraid of her death or continued destruction. Afraid for her to die and also afraid for her to go on living like this. She is happy when she is high but incredibly miserable when she is not.
Well, I warned you that positive thinking alludes me today. Please feel free to comment.
On Being Afraid
1 month ago