Warning: I am feeling sorry for myself today.
I woke up super early and could not get back to sleep so I went to work about 2 hours early. We have not heard from Beth in over a week and it is at this point that I really start to worry about her. I have no peace of mind when I do not know where she is or how she is. Last I heard she found a bunch of roomates and it was only supposed to cost 350 a month to keep this roof over her head.
I confess that I am seriously thinking of footing this Bill. Shelter for about 4000 a year might be worth it to me. At this point, I torture myself with thoughts of her being on the street and exploited.
Do I really know that she is capable of change? What if she is not capable and I am holding her responsible. That would make me a bad mother and a bad person. On the other hand, is the whole enabling thing. I have not seen her try very hard or very long and that is why I have chosen my current course which is not enabling and really distancing myself for self preservation.
I am so afraid for her. Afraid of her death or continued destruction. Afraid for her to die and also afraid for her to go on living like this. She is happy when she is high but incredibly miserable when she is not.
Well, I warned you that positive thinking alludes me today. Please feel free to comment.
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
2 months ago
Anna - I can feel the anguish in your words! It sounds to me like you are worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. I would pray and try meditation. I say a prayer for you and Beth every day, but I said an extra one just now!
ReplyDeleteI am with you. I have had the same feelings. You are not responsible or a bad mother if you don't enable. Addicts are very resourceful. She has a choice and you do too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Lord knows how many times we got an apartment for our daughter, just to be left with paying for the rest of the lease, because she left. Now she found a house to rent, and does not pay rent! Her husband supposedly does some repairs instead of rent (I think they are supplying him with his drug of choice). All I can suggest to you is don't make a decision if you are upset. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI understand your concerns. It's entirely different to think about your daughter vs a son. The issues are completely different in so many ways. Having acknowledged that, there's a good case that can be made for the benefit of allowing an addict to worry about rent. There isn't enough money in the world that can buy peace of mind when your daughter is addicted.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you and for Beth. This takes a tremendous amount of strength on your part - daily. I'll reference the Bible chapter that got me through the time when I wasn't talking to Heather (granted I knew she had good living arrangements, but hopefully this will still give you comfort). 2 Chronicles Chapter 20. She is God's daughter too. God be with you.
ReplyDeleteLove & hugs!!!
oh Anna. I am so sorry. but scared!!
ReplyDeleteyou said "I confess that I am seriously thinking of footing this Bill. Shelter for about 4000 a year might be worth it to me. At this point, I torture myself with thoughts of her being on the street and exploited."
we all worry about that. but honestly, footing that bill only allows her to have more money for dope. thats the rude fact. so by paying her rent, although you would be helping her to have a roof over her head, you would also be allowing her to put $350 more of heroin in her body that month. that's 35 bags of heroin more than she can get now. what if one of those bags is too many?
thats the nature of enabling. Anything we do to allow them to use without consequences, even if that consequence is death, and I do know several who have lost children to heroin...it's still enabling them to use and get more heroin.
does that put a different perspective on it?
sorry.
Its okay to feel sorry for yourself now and then, I think most of us do. I won't add any advice but am sending a lot of empathy and concern. I'm so sorry you have to live through this worry. You are a wonderful mother, you love your daughter, you have not lost hope. If love could save our kids they never would have gotten this lost in the first place :(
ReplyDeleteI say to all of you .... isn't that the truth? There are many good points here.
ReplyDeleteNo amount of money will buy peace of mind while a loved one is in active addiction and 350 less on rent = 350 more on heroine.....35 bags. Wow, the voice of experience speaks here. That much is certain. It is also true that I was letting fear project me into the future that may not ever come to pass. There is
plenty on my plate just dealing with today.If love could save them they would already be saved.
Thanks you guys. I really do appreciate your help.
Anna - you are allowed days like this. Thanks for being so honest about it. Hearing from other people through these blogs, AlAnon, supportive friends, will possibly get you through this down day and gain perspective. And yet, our ultimate fear, is losing our addict forever. That possibility is always hovering, even on the good days. Thinking of you - feeling your pain, fear, anxiety. Peggy
ReplyDeleteAnna, this level of pain and anguish is hard to read. I'm very sorry and hope that she will contact you soon. It is a hell of a disease. Don't let it claim your life as well.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when they don't call. I pray for her, and you, daily. And I pray too, that she will contact you. ((Hugs!))
ReplyDeleteWow, I just stumbled onto this blog and what you wrote is exactly how I think all the way down to the rent per year! I have only been dealing with this for about a year now, but it seems that this drug tethers itself from the addict to everyone they come in contact with it. I guess I am a control freak in ways. My son is ADHD and was on meds until he turned 18 and he is now 21. Always had to keep a tight reighn on him growing up and then at 18, a free for all. Everything has been down hill since then. I thought I would finally get to relax having him finally make it through high school, how short lived that was. So many emotions and so much wasted energy worrying. My ex-husband's brother went from marijuana to meth and ended up in prison at age 32. His mother has coddled him through it all and he he is back in prison for the fourth time and is he is in his late 50's. My son is on the fence right now, he could go from getting back on track to being homeless and penniless if I walk away. Is this what I should do. $350 for rent gets him 35 bags of heroin, is this what God wants me to do, walk away? This is horrible!!!!
ReplyDelete